Oklahoma custody questions

[nixfamily5]

What is the name of your state? OK

I have joint custody with my ex-husband and the child lives with him. I have several questions but will start out with only a few. Our custody agreement appears to be fairly standard with the exception that it stipulates that neither party shall pay child support to the other. Both parties are subject to the right of first refusal and neither parties' rights are superior to the other, well, supposedly.

Question 1. Can he be stopped from telling me and my child that he has superior rights where she is concerned? Or from telling her half-truths or outright lies? She was the victim of sexual abuse and the abuser was my mother's third husband who is now in prison. He has told the child that it was my fault that this thing happened.

Question 2. What can be done to make him include me in the decision making process where the child is concerned? He never discusses anything with me and simply makes a decision and informs me of what I'm supposed to pay for.

Question 3. If he does this and I offer suitable suggestions which he then refuses, am I still liable to pay? He tells my child that I don't love her because I don't give him money and that he could have me thrown in jail. He thinks I should pay for her after-school on school-site daycare (she is 11), however my other child attends the same school and I live down the street and could pick them both up and return her to her father's house when he returns home from work. He has refused this suggestion many, many times.

Question 4. The court document declares that I am entitled to visitation Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday from 3-6 pm. He has forbid me to take her during this time period and stated that it wouldn't be good for her to spend any extra time with me. Is he in contempt for keeping her from me when I am allowed to see her?

Question 5. I had to go down to her school and give them copies of our custody papers to prove that I had joint custody. My name was not on her enrollment forms and I was not listed as a contact number should something happen to her. The school was not happy about this as he had told them I had no rights to information regarding my child. Can he legally do that?

Question 6. Would his wife's nasty attitude towards me backfire on him in court? She refuses to speak to me, sending me hateful messages via my child and, in fact, she cussed me out once in front of my daughter. When my daughter started her first menstrual period, neither my ex or his wife said one word to her nor did they phone me so that I could speak to her about this and did not even buy her feminine pads! I would think that her absolute disregard for the child's well-being in a situation like this would be viewed negatively. She went without pads for 3 days and when I offered to bring her some to her home and show her how to use them, he said that he'd get her some and his wife would show her. I took pads to her school the next day and she did not know how to use it nor did she have one on at the time.

Question 7. My current husband and I had some marital problems right before my custody changed. I originally had sole custody of the child and then my husband and I each had an affair and were thinking about divorce, which is why he got it modified. Can he use this affair that happened 3 years ago against me in court? Does it go against the agreement of not speaking ill in front of the child to inform her, without her asking about it at all, that I went to England to have sex with another man? If he does bring this up, would I be able to use his past drug use against him?

I'm appreciative of any help regarding this situation. I have refrained from going to court for two reasons: I don't wish to traumatize my child any more than I have to and I honestly feel that she would hang me out to dry when we got there. She plays both sides against the other a lot but she's told me to my face that she is more afraid of her father and his wife than she is of me, but I have no idea why she's afraid of them. I'm confused and don't know what to do with my ex-husband, who uses tears and manipulation to keep my child under his thumb. I need help. Thanks.

 

[VeronicaGia]

What is the name of your state? OK

I have joint custody with my ex-husband and the child lives with him.

***Joint legal custody, joint physical custody or both?

I have several questions but will start out with only a few. Our custody agreement appears to be fairly standard with the exception that it stipulates that neither party shall pay child support to the other. Both parties are subject to the right of first refusal and neither parties' rights are superior to the other, well, supposedly.

Question 1. Can he be stopped from telling me and my child that he has superior rights where she is concerned? Or from telling her half-truths or outright lies? She was the victim of sexual abuse and the abuser was my mother's third husband who is now in prison. He has told the child that it was my fault that this thing happened.

**No.

Question 2. What can be done to make him include me in the decision making process where the child is concerned? He never discusses anything with me and simply makes a decision and informs me of what I'm supposed to pay for.

***Answer my question above. If you have joint legal custody and the papers specifically state that neither party can make important decisions without the other party's consent, then maybe you have something. However, is he supposed to consent with you on every aspect of the childs life?

Question 3. If he does this and I offer suitable suggestions which he then refuses, am I still liable to pay?

**If the court order states that each parent pays 50% of whatever it is you're talking about, then yes.

He tells my child that I don't love her because I don't give him money and that he could have me thrown in jail. He thinks I should pay for her after-school on school-site daycare (she is 11), however my other child attends the same school and I live down the street and could pick them both up and return her to her father's house when he returns home from work. He has refused this suggestion many, many times.

**It sounds to me like you have joint physical custody but he has legal custody. Just a guess.


Question 4. The court document declares that I am entitled to visitation Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday from 3-6 pm. He has forbid me to take her during this time period and stated that it wouldn't be good for her to spend any extra time with me. Is he in contempt for keeping her from me when I am allowed to see her?

**If the court order specifically states these days/times, he is in contempt. Take him to court.

Question 5. I had to go down to her school and give them copies of our custody papers to prove that I had joint custody. My name was not on her enrollment forms and I was not listed as a contact number should something happen to her. The school was not happy about this as he had told them I had no rights to information regarding my child. Can he legally do that?

**It happens all the time. The school can be mad all they want. Your name is down noow, move on.

Question 6. Would his wife's nasty attitude towards me backfire on him in court? She refuses to speak to me, sending me hateful messages via my child and, in fact, she cussed me out once in front of my daughter. When my daughter started her first menstrual period, neither my ex or his wife said one word to her nor did they phone me so that I could speak to her about this and did not even buy her feminine pads! I would think that her absolute disregard for the child's well-being in a situation like this would be viewed negatively. She went without pads for 3 days and when I offered to bring her some to her home and show her how to use them, he said that he'd get her some and his wife would show her. I took pads to her school the next day and she did not know how to use it nor did she have one on at the time.

**Well, let me ask. If your ex's wife decided to take total control of the situation and sat down and discussed the facts of life with your child, would you be here complaining that she's interfering with your rights as a parent? While I think what he did was wrong and plain stupid, stupidity is not illegal.

Question 7. My current husband and I had some marital problems right before my custody changed. I originally had sole custody of the child and then my husband and I each had an affair and were thinking about divorce, which is why he got it modified. Can he use this affair that happened 3 years ago against me in court? Does it go against the agreement of not speaking ill in front of the child to inform her, without her asking about it at all, that I went to England to have sex with another man? If he does bring this up, would I be able to use his past drug use against him?

**No. Both of you would be wasting your time. He has no proof of the affair, you have no proof of the drug use.

I'm appreciative of any help regarding this situation. I have refrained from going to court for two reasons: I don't wish to traumatize my child any more than I have to and I honestly feel that she would hang me out to dry when we got there. She plays both sides against the other a lot but she's told me to my face that she is more afraid of her father and his wife than she is of me, but I have no idea why she's afraid of them. I'm confused and don't know what to do with my ex-husband, who uses tears and manipulation to keep my child under his thumb. I need help. Thanks.

**How old is the child?

 

[nixfamily5]

So far as I can tell, joint legal custody. The custody agreement states that he should and shall confer with me regarding any decision affecting the child's physical, mental and moral welfare. We are to jointly decide what schools she attends, religious instruction, medical, dental and health care, insurance providers, fashion/manner in which child shall be disciplined and any travel of the minor child away from home.

As far as the babysitting service, does that not fall under this "right of first refusal" thing? I'm sorry, but if I understand that correctly, if he can not pick her up from school at the time when school is out, he is supposed to ask me to do it. If I can not pick her up, then he is free to find another to supervise the child. At any rate, I don't feel responsible for his babysitting service.

He does not have legal custody; we have joint legal custody and she resides in his house. According to the court documents, which specifically states that neither parties' rights are superior to the other, he is supposed to discuss her upbringing together.

What about a motion of enforcement? Can't that make him do what he is supposed to do?

My ex's wife isn't interested in doing anything with my child except discipline. I had already explained the facts of life to my daughter, that isn't the point. His wife tells my daughter that I have no authority and that I'm a terrible mother. Yet she allows the child to walk around in bloody underwear. When I spoke to my child, she had no idea she was having a period! She thought it was something else and I don't think that either one of them displayed much parenting skill in this situation.

The child is 11.

I understand that being stupid or an a**hole isn't against the law, unfortunately. However, I don't see how he can harass me for "child support" when I don't owe it and continually make derogatory remarks about me or other members of my family in front of the child when the court documents specifically states that he's not to do so. The court documents also state that when incurring an expense involving the child, the incurring party has 10 days to present the other with a receipt. He presented me with 7 months of receipts at once, expecting me to come up with $500 at that time. I figure it's time for a lawyer, but I wanted to know if I have any case before shelling out the cash.

Thanks,
nixfamily5

 

[lsut1ger]

I believe you're correct about the daycare service....if your papers explicitely give you right of first refusal, then the child should be with you if you are available after school.

He is also in contempt of court for denying you your visitation.

I would suggest starting to enforce, or attempt to enforce, your visitation and right of first refusal rights. Document any lack of cooperation with him for 1 -2 wks and then send a certified letter outlining your position regarding the custody papers, etc. After this, you have laid the groundwork for a contempt motion and possibly a motion to modify and/or clarify your agreement.

If he is indeed telling your child stuff like this - include it in your contempt petition and consider asking for a court appointed psychologist to get involved. They should be able to weed out any alienation or mental abuse attempts by your ex and his wife. I doubt the judge would change custody based on your complaints, but he would very possibly give him a reprimand with the threat of future consequences.

Also, if he gets really uncooperative, send him a copy of the custody judgement with the 10 day time period for submission of receipts highlighted, along with the receipts he previously gave you, 10 months later.