Opinions on Email

[Humusluvr]

I think you should address his inappropriateness, but not like that. "Please" acknowledges your need for his cooperation and feeds whatever kind of rebellious power trip he thinks he's pulling.

"In response to your attempt to discuss visitation in front of __________, I will remind you that all communication is to be done via e-mail, per the court order, and I have no intention of discussing it with you by any other means."

Maybe that's a little snottier than it needs to be? But you get my general idea.

I like it!

 

[Bloopy]

I'd do some trimming to go with this combo;

"In response to your attempt to discuss visitation in front of __________, I will remind you that all communication is to be done via e-mail, per the court order.

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009.

 

[wileybunch]

So, how would you suggest I set boundaries without telling him what they are? I'm dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, not a psychologically healthy human being. If he were psychologically healthy, I wouldn't have to deal with him like this and he'd have joint custody.

So you're under the impression that Geekess sayeth = Ex obeyeth? If so, go for it.

Seriously, I just don't think you need to police that in this way. Unless of course the above equation is mathematically correct.

"I understand you might have had a question on some upcoming parenting time. The court order from date/year give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009."

Then on the parenting front for you, work on equipping the child to extract herself from the middle when dad attempts to use child as go between. Not as an attack on Dad, but because you really truly care about her and want her not to be burdened or in the middle and just let her be a kid.

Not every ex situation even when they are buttheads requires a legal or legalese approach. Some of it you just blow off. In reality, he can think he has the child every day for 36 hours a day between now and New Year's, but the reality is he can't and he won't -- unless he plans to violate the CO, in which case you have a remedy for that.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I would humbly suggest you eschew emotion in the proposed email as much as possible, and limit the email to the topic of holiday visitation (the middle 3 sentences).

If the only communication he receives from you is by such simplistic emails, he might be more inclined to use email. Or not. Unfortunately, we can't change other people.

The more cold, dispassionate, and direct at this point, perhaps the better. If he is angry that you are not being more emotional, that's his problem. He has probably done plenty to get himself into the position that he is in.

If he has any questions, he will let you know - you need not ask for it. He doesn't sound like the shy type.

Okay, I'll delete that email and try again.

Is this better?

Please confine discussions with me about visitation via email as per court order.

In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. If you have any questions, please let me know.

(Last bit cribbed straight from Wiley's suggestion.)

The shortened version you've here is much better than your initial attempt, which sounded almost whiny. Which I can understand - if your ex were a more pleasant person, he wouldn't now be your ex. But writing and deleting (or burning) is much better for you - and saves having to pull your hair out.

Remember: no matter what you send, there is a 99% chance that it will be misinterpreted.

 

[ladybugzmom]

I

Remember: no matter what you send, there is a 99% chance that it will be misinterpreted.

Wow, you hit the nail on the head here. I have learned through many heated debates that less is more. I work very hard to ignore all snide remarks and bad things he says. Also when dad tries to talk to me about something on the phone I politely say, "you know how to contact me. I will address this when I get your message." It took a few tries but he has figured it out now. I think it helps our children too because I stay calm.