OT: Garden of Eden Room is Gone

[GotHisBack]

Some things really do never change

I'm 25 years old with no kids of my own, but I can relate to this subject because of the fact that my mother used to do the same things to us. I grew up thinking how "unconventional" but without a doubt, it worked. I'm glad to see that this is how it should be done across the board. My intention was to raise my children as my mom did, but maybe with a little more forgiveness and love. I always wondered if this "tearing down rooms" or when we didn't put our clothes away right, or just shoved them in drawers, my mom would come throw them all over the room and we had to pick them all up again (taught us to do things right the first time and ultimately saved time)....wondered if that was an acceptable thing to do....now a days with child abuse meaning so many things....Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, if nothing else....in the time before I have kids, it will make my mom and I even closer...knowing that she didn't do anything wrong!

 

[Silverplum]

I commend and support every parent who takes the time to read a parenting book and think about the suggestions; who takes a class to learn how to parent better; who realizes that parenting is an art, a science, and a sacred obligation.



For those who haven't done a lot of thinking about parenting: what are you waiting for? An emergency?

 

[xylene]

Yeah, having a war zone for a home is a lot better than psychiatric treatment for a disturbed child.

Stay blessed.

 

[summerdawn]

so this really works???

my 13 y/o sister is turning into her father(there's alot to that, i'm skipping it).....

she balls her fist when my mom gets onto her, she's cheated on a test with a friend(this is the 1st time, maybe not the last?), she does her chores, but when SHE wants to do the, which is extending her bedtime...she'll stay at friends houses and takes advantage of mom not having a car, by having parents call and say something came up, they'll bring her home later.....there's alot more, and my mom actually had to "spank" her last weekend, b/c apparently she decided to scream back at her! i never screamed(my sisters father made sure of this and other things)....she is rude and downright hateful to my 9 y/o brother, and i've tried to talk to her, and to my mom about her not looking at my sister as if she were thinking "i've been through this with your sister", etc....

so now that i've read your thread, i'm curious if this would work out? wow, she'd die, b/c my moms bf took away the speakers to her stereo(haha!), but really that's all we thought of her having she would "lose"....she has a tv, but the pic is out, so it doesnt even really count.....

thanks for this idea, b/c i think if she knew what she had, she'd actually *work* for it so to speak!

My son was doing this too. I made two lists: one list of the things that I want him to do (clean his room, homework, etc.), and one list of the things he likes to do (skateboard, listen to music, etc.-including fun stuff like youth group concerts at church). I tell him every day after school: "Take all the time you want, but until your chores and homework are done i'm withholding the things on your list. If your stuff is not done at bedtime (9:30) you will go to bed and your list with be withheld tomorrow as well." I also give him "strikes" against his big rewards (big rewards would be trip to the skating rink with friends, summer functions with the youth group, etc.) If he gets 3 strikes before a particular event he doesn't go. He gets strikes for talking back, being mean to his sisters, being defiant, etc.

My littler girls have also started visiting with their father for a couple of hours every week. I have taken those times to devote just to spending time with him-the girls are little, and very demanding, and he doesn't get much time alone with me. Last time he and I went to the mall and walked around or a couple of hours...we went to a couple of stores he liked and a couple of stores I liked and browsed. Then on the way home we grabbed a burger together. It was really, really enjoyable.

The one thing I don't take away from him, ever, is his right to go to the basic youth group meetings every Sunday night. It is a great, positive environment and the kids have been known to tell him when he's being negative, and encourage him to be positive.

The things I have been doing have only been working for me for a few weeks, but hopefully it will continue to work if I keep sticking to it.

 

[summerdawn]

summerdawn, I'm really glad your efforts are working for your DS. That's great!

My nephew (now a married adult) went to the CYA as a teen. They have to earn everything there, too. The thing is, they don't love the youth there. Maybe some workers do, but it's not part of the job. As a parent, this is done with love in the hopes of turning out a child with character and respect for themself and others. I don't know quite how it is that some kids veer off so far. I know with my twins that they are awesome kids, truly know right from wrong to a pretty high-level degree for their age, I think, and yet they don't always choose to exercise it. They have always had each other that feeds their egos and they have had DH's older kids pull crap w/him so bad influences there (that comes from their mother -- talk about having adult issues effect the kids, it even effects stepsiblings). But, I just decided that I do not CARE what the reason is why, the bottom line is that a child can have the worst set of circumstances with various people and still make a good life and be happy. We have a counselor we can use, too, but I think DD will pull out of this w/o needing that, but won't hesitate to take her if I think we're not getting to the bottom of it. The thing is the twins were both dx with ADHD several years ago. Ped said he always has to determine if it's a parenting issue or a true chemical issue with the child's brain and that he knew it wasn't a parenting issue. While I do believe they had all those impulse control issues, I told DH last night it apparently also was a parenting issue. It's not like we have easy kids and blew it, but we were not meeting their needs the best they needed them.

soon2bstep and Ginny, those thinking about this .....
Ask yourself the question if you think things are spinning out of control and you've had to up the ante to get the kids' attention. The "spanking" the 13yo is a telltale sign, IMO. I think as a parent you just need to say enough is enough, stop the insanity. I'd been working up to this for a while. DH and I were raised in a way that we didn't even think to talk back to our parents. Ever. Not even a possibility. And, we still carry with us what we believe the structure of the family should be. My older adult girls are like "friends" in many ways, but I'm still their mother, they still need me to be their mother, etc. At the age of my younger 2, they do NOT need me to be their friend. So it was like living an ironic bad dream every day that these kids who are so privileged and have so much more than their older siblings just b/c Mom/Dad are older/in a better place are horribly mouthy, ungrateful, etc. (and yet other times their exquisitely strong good characters are there and we know they have that in them, but choose to be off the charts). So yesterday a switch flipped and I had to break it down. I simply could not escalate high enough above an out of control child to get their attention and I didn't want to any more. My brain was so scrambled, though, that I asked DH to tell me if we had a place to put everything and if he said "yes", we were on. She's still able to do soccer, go to her girl's group at church, go with us to her brother's scout activities and Little League, etc. She can read her library books if she asks and we say "yes" (but if we say "no" and she badgers, she knows they go back to the library). She's not as stripped down completely as a wild teenager might have to be. We are developing a list of expectations to print out and go over with both of the kids.

We may have to do the same thing with her twin brother to get his attention to change behavior. Will be interesting to see if we can achieve the same results with one starting from scratch and the other seeing that he's next if he doesn't shape up, but still surrounded by all his privilege nonetheless.

Thanks Wiley! If I had done this when my child was your child's age maybe it might have helped nip things in the bud!

 

[casa]

I've done Behavior Mod. for YEARS w/my girls. My oldest was/is ADHD (now self-managing, no more Meds, etc.) So, luckily they've known all along that bad behavior = removal of privileges and good behavior = rewards.

I recommend ALL parents start this theory very young. It also helps teach accountability for actions & helps teach responsibility they will use going into their adult lives.

 

[summerdawn]

I've done Behavior Mod. for YEARS w/my girls. My oldest was/is ADHD (now self-managing, no more Meds, etc.) So, luckily they've known all along that bad behavior = removal of privileges and good behavior = rewards.

I recommend ALL parents start this theory very young. It also helps teach accountability for actions & helps teach responsibility they will use going into their adult lives.

I had a HUGE problem with not following through with his punishments when my son was younger...and it has really come back to bite me in the behind.

 

[casa]

I had a HUGE problem with not following through with his punishments when my son was younger...and it has really come back to bite me in the behind.

It's never too late to get back on track.

 

[Silverplum]

I've done Behavior Mod. for YEARS w/my girls. My oldest was/is ADHD (now self-managing, no more Meds, etc.) So, luckily they've known all along that bad behavior = removal of privileges and good behavior = rewards.

I recommend ALL parents start this theory very young. It also helps teach accountability for actions & helps teach responsibility they will use going into their adult lives.

Hey, as I wrote in a diff thread recently: Parenting does NOT begin when the child turns 16.

 

[casa]

Hey, as I wrote in a diff thread recently: Parenting does NOT begin when the child turns 16.

Yeah, but you're a Goddess, gifted w/Divine foresight

 

[summerdawn]

It's never too late to get back on track.

It's a hard road but i'm working on it!

 

[Silverplum]

Yeah, but you're a Goddess, gifted w/Divine foresight

Haw. A mere struggling human being. Beautiful and flawed.

You know, all that stuff.

 

[stealth2]

so this really works???

No clue. Because, to be honest, in 16 years of parenting I've yet to have to even ground either of my kids. And no, I don't beat them into submission.

my 13 y/o sister is turning into her father(there's alot to that, i'm skipping it).....

I so hope none of you are telling her that. It's a terrible thing to tell a kid.

she balls her fist when my mom gets onto her, she's cheated on a test with a friend(this is the 1st time, maybe not the last?), she does her chores, but when SHE wants to do the, which is extending her bedtime...she'll stay at friends houses and takes advantage of mom not having a car, by having parents call and say something came up, they'll bring her home later.....there's alot more, and my mom actually had to "spank" her last weekend, b/c apparently she decided to scream back at her! i never screamed(my sisters father made sure of this and other things)....she is rude and downright hateful to my 9 y/o brother, and i've tried to talk to her, and to my mom about her not looking at my sister as if she were thinking "i've been through this with your sister", etc....

Frankly, your Mom needs to grow a pair and start parenting HER kids. She apparently let her SO (your stepfather?) discipline you, and now she's letting her current b/f discipline your sister. Long past time for HER to step up to the plate. If that means the "Garden of Eden" approach, more power to her. But SHE needs to do it and stop leaving the job to strangers.

so now that i've read your thread, i'm curious if this would work out? wow, she'd die, b/c my moms bf took away the speakers to her stereo(haha!), but really that's all we thought of her having she would "lose"....she has a tv, but the pic is out, so it doesnt even really count.....

thanks for this idea, b/c i think if she knew what she had, she'd actually *work* for it so to speak!

Again - your Mom needs to rein in her b/f and take care of disciplining her children herself.

 

[Ohiogal]

I will say that I am glad to see more people are implementing this. It is a very safe tool and doesn't cause the children to be neglected, abused or dependent and end up in juvenile court. I spend far too much time in juvenile court and see the results of inadequate parenting. And it is not just the parents but the children who act out and behave inappropriately. The Garden of Eden is NOT abuse. You are still providing the necessities of living. You are still taking care of your child. You just are not spoiling your child.

 

[wileybunch]

Yeah, having a war zone for a home is a lot better than psychiatric treatment for a disturbed child.

Stay blessed.

Don't know whose child you think is "disturbed", but you must live in a vacuum if you haven't seen the effects the in-an-instant-gratification society has had on our children and the efforts parents need to put into their children to raise them to be productive serving members of society, truly a sacred obligation as Silverplum pointed out. You can sit back and expect a pill to do your parenting, but that would be tragic. Just keep your kids away from mine if that's your approach (and helping my children choose good friends is just yet one of the many responsibilities we also believe is important).