OT just wondering why

[MomandDad2006]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tx or anywhere really

After reading a post yesterday and seeing a couple more like I have a question.

A father has a right to raise his child just as a mother does. Providing that the father/mother is willing to do so that is. I saw a lot of posts regarding visitation for the dad and when overnight visits should begin. Why not right away? I don't mean like as soon as baby gets home from hospital but how about a month old? Why is that not the way it is? My reasoning is based on this. In a home where both parents are together in a relationship both parents would likely participate in the baby's care. Midnight feedings, diaper changes, burping etc a dad can do those things as well. I don't understand how if bonding with dad is such a concern why he isn't allowed to begin doing it in his own home overnight until one year of age. I even asked my wife, she started to explain, then frowned and said really honey I don't know, I guess its just the way it is. Is it an excepted "fact" that mothers can care better for tiny babies. Is it thought that the baby may not bond as well with mom. I really don't understand this. My kids went to day care and there were baby's there that were just turning a month old. If such little ones can be left in the care of day care employees than why not fathers? What is the legal answer to this question. Legally how is that acceptable if fathers have equal right to parent their child, and why cant it start from birth, the equality? It seems a little biased to me, would you guys/gals please help me to understand this. Thank you

 

[Rightstobaby]

Hi!

I think you were referring to my post, oddly enough!

The reason behind overnights not beginning right away is that infants and young children need the stability of a "home base" as opposed to being bounced around from home to home. They learn stability and comfort in the smells, sounds, sights, etc of their crib/home and that is where their security comes from. In married or "intact" families, the father may have a night time care taking role, but does so in the same environment as the Mother. They are both going into the same nursery, rocking in the same chair, etc. Infants whose parents have been married, and subsequently divorced or seperated, are usually recommended to have overnights assuming their Father has had an active and hands on role in their care prior to seperation, preferrably in a familiar environment. When the parents have never lived together, the infant has never had the experience of both parents being there at night and needs stability. While a baby may occasionally be "left" with a Grandmother, Aunt, etc for an overnight - this is not the same as being with a Grandma, Aunt, etc one or several nights a week. Anyone who has traveled with an infant will likely know what I am talking about when I say babies don't sleep well when they are out of their home. They tend to be fussy, have restless sleep, etc. Many parents could tell you about leaving a friends or relatives house at 2 am and opting to just drive home because the baby was screaming and fussy, despite the fact the baby napped there fine during the day!

Additionally, for breastfeeding Mothers, it takes a while to establish a milk supply that can both feed a baby and pump/store enough milk on a daily basis to give Dad milk for visitation periods thus why visits are usually in Moms home for a short period of months. When babies are breastfed, bottles are not supposed to be introduced until the baby is between 1-2 months of age, as they can develop feeding problems. Many people like to say it is Mom's way of keeping Dad from being involved (and for some Moms...those who refuse to pump...it IS), but it really is the truth whether you are married, single, working or stay at home. Breastfeeding Mother's can, depending on the judge or courts, delay overnights even when the parents have been married until the infant is 12-15 months of age,

There are some Dads who have gotten custody or primary residence of their newborn infants in cases where the Mother is unfit. In that case, Dad becomes the primary residential parent and Mom would visit on the same schedule Dad would "normally" have - including not having overnights in the first "x" number of months. It really isn't about Mom or Dad, it is about having a primary parent and the second parent visiting in such a way to develop a bond without disrupting the infants security. Some courts have ordered infant overnights despite any research, and it is certainly more and more common, but the "norm" seems to be around 12 months.

As I have been told, and recently reminded someone else, it isn't about "Mom and Dad having equal rights." It is about the child's rights. The child has the supreme right to security, stability, and a relationship with both parents in a healthy manner despite Mom and Dad's issues! Mom and Dad get to go along with what is best for the child, even when that is inconvenient, or they don't like it.

ParentFurther - FamilyEducation.com

Babies' Attachment to Parents Affected by Overnights

 

[MomandDad2006]

Thank you very much! It makes absolute perfect sense. I remember my wife telling me how the youngest was really hard to travel with as he didn't sleep well if not in his crib. I also remember when we moved (he was 2) that for the first few weeks he woke up often in the night and seemed to be really confused. I can totally see how a back and forth routine like that in early months would upset the baby and his/her feeling of stability. I feel the same way the first few months of deployment, lol.

I wasn't really pointing out your post, just that the question has been asked here a lot. When I asked my wife she started off saying pretty much what you said, lol her being my wife and being a single mom for a few years I just thought maybe it was the whole "moms perspective" hearing almost the same things from a total stranger makes it clear it is just best for baby. I gotta call her and apologize I looked at her as if she were crazy. Thanks again and good luck with everything.

 

[Just Blue]

sigh...

My eldest was having 2 weekends a month with her father from 2 weeks of age. She is the most well-adjusted child I know of. Emotionally strong and stable. Graduated in the top 10 of her h.s. with a GPA of 4.3 . Currently in a top University where she has been on the Deans list for 3 years. Works 2 jobs and fully supports herself. She is 20. A world traveler. In the last year has been to Bali, Germany, France and Spain.

I, personally, can NOT understand why is "okay" for a newborn to spend 8-10 hours a day with a daycare provider...But not "okay" for a NCP (father) to have that same time with said child. It makes ZERO sense.

 

[sometwo]

he reason behind overnights not beginning right away is that infants and young children need the stability of a "home base" as opposed to being bounced around from home to home.

I think that's a big load of bologna!

Kids adapt to your life. They learn from us , from our examples. They learn love and safety from all who love them.

What do you have to prove your "theory"

reading your sites now to see what they say! May have to leave for Zumba though

 

[sometwo]

OK I gotta go to Zumba but wanted to comment on this


Because the successful attainment of these developmental tasks lays the foundation for secure and healthy children, parents should design a schedule that fits a child's needs at this stage. The best schedule, say the experts, is short but frequent time with the noncustodial parent: short because infants and toddlers can't maintain the image of their primary caretaker for long and frequent to enable them to bond with the noncustodial parent. Most psychologists agree there should be no overnight visitation for very young children.

Why do we automatically already assign cp and ncp like the child is a pawn? Why can't BOTH parents be primary caregiver and work together . The first month is hard enough. Both hands would benefit. Especially for the first month or so. Who says one parent should get to bond more and automatically assume that parent gets more bonding rights ?

They should both be considered parents in the baby's eyes and both have frequent, contact, day and night especially during the first month. To deny the other parent based on that is just wrong. There are ways to make it work and have a healthy baby if the parents would set aside what they feel or think .

I'm sure I can also find studies to the contrary of what you have posted , (and will look later , gotta get my Zumba in!)

The best thing for any child , infant or not, is both parents to be involved, hands on and frequent contact. One parent should not automatically get the upper hand "just because"

 

[CSO286]

I think that's a big load of bologna!

Kids adapt to your life. They learn from us , from our examples. They learn love and safety from all who love them.

What do you have to prove your "theory"

reading your sites now to see what they say! May have to leave for Zumba though

While this particular "proof" is merely anecdotal (sp?), it does demonstrate the fact that babies recognize and are comforted by the routine and familiar:

When I brought my daughter home from the hospital it was summer and HOT. We didn't have AC. We spent a lot of time in the living room, and one day she absolutely could not be calmed/comforted. All morning she was upset/crying. I tried everything...nursing, her favorite blanket, singing...you name it, I tried it.

The problem: It finally got cool in the house, so I had turned off the ceiling fan. That "little thing" was enough to send her into a tailspin. Turned it on, and she turned right back into a happy baby.

 

[>Charlotte<]

I agree that a man is, presumably, perfectly capable of taking care of a newborn. But the father can't start asserting any rights until those rights are granted. That process doesn't even begin until the child is born. By the time all the legal hoops have been jumped through a custodial status quo exists.

Simply put, the mother gets a head start. It takes time to establish paternity. Maternity is pretty much established as soon as a room full of people witness the child coming out of the mother's uterus.

 

[mistoffolees]

I agree that a man is, presumably, perfectly capable of taking care of a newborn. But the father can't start asserting any rights until those rights are granted. That process doesn't even begin until the child is born. By the time all the legal hoops have been jumped through a custodial status quo exists.

Simply put, the mother gets a head start. It takes time to establish paternity. Maternity is pretty much established as soon as a room full of people witness the child coming out of the mother's uterus.

This is true in the case of unmarried couples. In the case of married couples, the father has a presumption of paternity from the moment of birth, as well.

 

[TheGeekess]

This is true in the case of unmarried couples. In the case of married couples, the father has a presumption of paternity from the moment of birth, as well.

Which is why you'll oft hear the refrain: If you wanted rights from birth, you should have been married and/or If you wanted support from putative dad before the birth, you should have married him.

 

[>Charlotte<]

This is true in the case of unmarried couples. In the case of married couples, the father has a presumption of paternity from the moment of birth, as well.

The question at hand addresses visitation so I disregarded a "married" scenario.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tx or anywhere really

After reading a post yesterday and seeing a couple more like I have a question.

A father has a right to raise his child just as a mother does. Providing that the father/mother is willing to do so that is. I saw a lot of posts regarding visitation for the dad and when overnight visits should begin. Why not right away? I don't mean like as soon as baby gets home from hospital but how about a month old? Why is that not the way it is? My reasoning is based on this. In a home where both parents are together in a relationship both parents would likely participate in the baby's care. Midnight feedings, diaper changes, burping etc a dad can do those things as well. I don't understand how if bonding with dad is such a concern why he isn't allowed to begin doing it in his own home overnight until one year of age. I even asked my wife, she started to explain, then frowned and said really honey I don't know, I guess its just the way it is. Is it an excepted "fact" that mothers can care better for tiny babies. Is it thought that the baby may not bond as well with mom. I really don't understand this. My kids went to day care and there were baby's there that were just turning a month old. If such little ones can be left in the care of day care employees than why not fathers? What is the legal answer to this question. Legally how is that acceptable if fathers have equal right to parent their child, and why cant it start from birth, the equality? It seems a little biased to me, would you guys/gals please help me to understand this. Thank you

Here is some theory on the subject....

An infant bonds very quickly with their primary caregiver, and that is a bond that it is critical to the child's sense of security. The child also bonds, over a bit more time, with other people. Other parts of the infant's security has to do with smells and sights and things being consistent.

When the infant is separated from their primary caregiver, the infant actually grieves. In a case of daycare, or something of that nature the infant copes after a while because the primary caregiver always returns. The infant always returns to his/her own place, that smells right, and looks right and to the infants own bed.

When it comes to overnights, away from the primary caregiver, it can do a real number on the infant. Even with intact families, the occasional overnight with grandma can do a real number on the infant's sense of security if it happens too soon. Each child is a little different, and what is best for each child honestly depends on the child.

In an intact family, where both parents are equal caregivers from the get-go, the child's primary bond is with both parents as a unit, but it doesn't do a number on the child if half of the unit isn't around part of the time. The child can better even handle sleeping somewhere else if 1/2 of the primary caregiver team is present.

In an unwed situation, when the parents are not together, unless you have two parents who get along REALLY well, no primary caregiver unit or team develops. Therefore the child's bond to the other parent develops more slowly, the way a bond develops between an infant and grandparents, for example, when a family is intact.

The sense of security that an infant needs can also be totally destroyed by going back and forth, on an overnight basis, between two households. The infant can feel no sense of security at all, and therefore can develop attachment disorders.

I know that when I was a small child, my primary bond was with my mother. I remember things. I adored my father but the person I needed to be there at night was my mother...and if my mother couldn't be there, I needed my blankie that smelled like my mother...anytime anyone washed that blankie I was a basket case until I could get it to smell right again.

I have read some theory that unwed parents can help the overnight process for infants by making sure that things smell the same (same laundry detergent and fabric softeners, same air fresheners, similar cooking smells etc.) and it can help if things are visually similar in the baby's room. Same decorations, crib mobiles, favorite toys and blankies traveling with the child etc.

Again, each child is different and each child bonds differently with people. Children are also individual with how strong their bond is with their primary caregiver. Personally, I think that each situation should be based completely on the particular child involved. Not on what's best for children in general, but what is best for THAT particular child. Some parents are able to do that, others are not.

 

[LdiJ]

I`m glad someone brought this up, because I have been wondering about it also. Mostly because I have been taking care of a baby several days a week and his grandma has him the other days. Mom is in prison so we have had him since we picked him up from the hospital at 2 days old. I worry about him going back and forth so much. Also, mom will be out in 3 months and then take over his care. He is 3 1/2 months old now and has only seen her 2 times since he was 2 days old. I wish I had the funds to take him to visit her more often. I wonder if there are things I can do now that will make the transition easier for him and maybe help him bond with his mom. Any suggestions?

The best thing would be to take the baby to see her as often as possible, and then phase in the child moving into mom's custody. Is grandma mom's mom? If mom can stay at grandma's house, at least temporarily, that will help the transition. However, the whole situation is going to be hard on the child no matter what. All you can do is lighten the load, you cannot make it go away entirely.

 

[Rightstobaby]

I would ask his pediatrician, but I would think it would be better if Mom "transitioned" into caring for him with short, frequent visits OR if Mom were able to live with his Grandmother (is it the Maternal Grandmother?) and allow him to get used to Mom in a familiar environment, with familiar people around.

 

[stealth2]

I`m glad someone brought this up, because I have been wondering about it also. Mostly because I have been taking care of a baby several days a week and his grandma has him the other days. Mom is in prison so we have had him since we picked him up from the hospital at 2 days old. I worry about him going back and forth so much. Also, mom will be out in 3 months and then take over his care. He is 3 1/2 months old now and has only seen her 2 times since he was 2 days old. I wish I had the funds to take him to visit her more often. I wonder if there are things I can do now that will make the transition easier for him and maybe help him bond with his mom. Any suggestions?

Please do not hijack another poster's thread.