Please help me!

[sotiredofit]

I'm in California. I got a temporary restraining order against my ex and the hearing was last Wed. He was only served 3 days before, not the required 5, he wasn't going to show up, but he called in by phone. The judge was almost going to restrain him for 5 years and make him pay my emergency room visit but he showed up. He asked for the judge to continue it until 12/11 so he could prepare a written response and the judge said yes. Another thing, After I asked could my kids be witnesses, the judge ordered mediation. Well, I don't want that. I don't want my kids involved and I don't want a judge telling me if they can or cannot see their father. I thought I did, I don't. Does anyone know why the judge would order mediation with my kids and the ex.I'm scared though. Below is the fight that prompted me to file a restraining order against the ex: He came to drop off the kids and I was 2 hours late getting home (He drives up every other weekend from Arizona and spends one day with them.) They were waiting in the van when I drove up. I got out of my car, went over to his car and tried to talk to him about our oldest son's recent biligerent behavior. The ex and I started cursing each other out. I put my hands in his face and hit the back of his head-very lightly. His new wife started cursing and screaming, so all 3 of us were at that point. He got out of the car, threw a half bottle of water at me and chased me a few feet. I ran. I came back up the walk, the wife was cursing and making faces in the van. I went up to her window and started cursing, making faces and gestures back. She said, "do you want me to get out the car and beat your **S. I said, "yeah, do it". I pulled on her car door handle. It was locked. Then all of a sudden she jumped out and swung at my face and head and continue to hit me. I hit back. After it was clear she was losing, my ex got out, came around the car and pushed me down on the ground (grass) and proceeded to hold me down, twist my face and neck into the ground and smother me. I could not breathe and thought I was going to die. While he was holding me down, his wife hit me on the leg. He finally let me up and they both went back to the car. his parting remark was , "You got your **s beat" and "we'll see if you get your child support money on the first". I got up ran after them and tried to open her door again to get her out. It was locked. The ex contends I kicked and hit the car, I don't remember doing that. I then ran in the house and called the police. They took a police report. I declined to go the the emergency room that night, but went 3 days later.

Here are my concerns: 1) When I asked the judge why he was ordering mediation, he said to see the effect the incident (and I'm not sure if that includes prior incidents of the ex's abuse). My question: Can the judge determined I instigated this or was somehow at fault and take my kids away from me?? Can he say I cursed and acted inappropriately and take the kids from me??

2) Can the judge order a restraining order against me as well because I hit the ex on the head (only slightly and I didn't mean to)? Note: the ex didn't file a restraining order against me, I did against him. A restraining order would jeopardize my ability to get a job in my field. I'm in education.

3) I'm feeling guilty about ruining the ex's chance for employment. His permanent disability just got cut off (he says, he have an order to show cause for support issues on the same day). But, he is an abuser and I want him ordered to a year of abuser classes. Opinions?

Please help me. I'm scared.

The ex has smothered me and more than one occasion (2 times with a pillow) and emotionally and verbally abused me for the 10 years we were married. But, if there is a chance the judge will take my kids away because I participated in this fight and cursed in front of them, I will drop it. Period.

 

[stormyautumn]

I am by no means a lawyer or giving an legal advice, but it pretty much sounds like you instigated the fight in the first place. You should have never put your hands on your ex, even if it was a so called tap on the head. And even after that you should have been the mature one, taken the kids and told him no arguing in front of the children "good night". In my opinion you are just as bad as he is.

 

[sotiredofit]

I am wrong, yes. I am asking for the restraining order because he held me down, smothered me, and twisted my neck into the ground. Believe me, this was no accident. I posted that he smothered me with a pillow twice, both times, like what recently happened, I could have died. I thought I was. Doesn't this warrant a restraining order??

I will add that previous things he has done:
1) chased me on the freeway (on and off) because I did not take the kids as agreed.

2) harrassed me by driving into my apartment complex while I was taking out the trash and stopping abruptedly within one inch of my knees...

Am I still as bad?

 

[stormyautumn]

As hard as it may b you need to hold back. My daughter's bio father was extremely abusive as well to the point where yes it made me go mad myself. But I tried ot get a restraining order on him and the judge told me "well he just wants to see he daughter" Can you belive that!!!! So I guess it's ok for the man to try and kill me to se his child. I really think it all depends on the judge and who represents you if you can afford it. I paid a boat load of money for a moron.

 

[SingleAZdad]

Honestly, it sounds like you are lacking basic common courtesy. You stated in your post that you were 2 hours late for the exchange. Why not at least make a cell call? When you arrived, you started an arguement and proceeded to physically attack your X and his wife. Then X broke the fight up and now you are the injured party?

Drop the whole thing.

 

[Just Blue]

Neither the OP or her ex should have custody of these children. Disgusting display in front of children!!

 

[Ohiogal]

You started the fight and after it was over you also attacked again by running up to the car. Great. You are a prime example. yes you could lose custody of your kids. you did instigate this fight by hitting your ex -- and I do not care if it was lightly. YOu keep your hands off of other people. Kids learn that in kindergarten and you are supposedly an adult. Yes the judge can say you acted inappropriately. How the hell do you think that makes your children feel seeing you and their father -- two people they love -- carrying on like animals. GROW UP!
You are an abuser as well> YOU threw the first punch. You attacked his wife. You, after being let up off the ground, then ran back to the car they were in and tried to open his wife's door and start again. What gave you the right to do that? You are NOT a victim in this. You are the aggressor. You are NOT an innocent party. You are guilty.

 

[sotiredofit]

Why do you say I attacked his wife? She threated to "beat my *ss" remember? Then although I did pull on the door, it was locked. She chose to open it. She chose to get out of the car and hit me first. So, isn't that her attacking me??

I'm trying to understand where you are coming from. You sound like it's ok for my ex husband to smother me. He was purposely holding off my breathing. I know when I am being smothered. He did it twice before when I was married to him.

How is this ok to you??

 

[sotiredofit]

What gave you the right to do that? You are NOT a victim in this. You are the aggressor. You are NOT an innocent party. You are guilty.

Well, I guess you think I should drop the case. So, how do I do that? I do not want my kids talking to a mediator or dragged through the mud. I did start it technically, yes, but if I drop it an abuser gets away with smothering me.

ANd to the guy who contends my ex broke up the fight. He did but his intent was to smother me while doing so. So, he'll probably get away with it. You happy?

 

[jaquin]

You came across everyone on this forum as an agressor who instigated the fight. You came across as someone in need of anger management classes. Your husband did what it took to broke off the fight. Your husbands GF locked herself inside on two occasions, you instigated the fight with her too.

Both can file assault charges against you, get a restraining order, and you could loose your job and more. Additionally, your husband has potential witness/es. I believe that if you purse legal matters further, that a judge would read between the lines (or in this case it is clear), and slam you. This is not a game.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am wrong, yes. I am asking for the restraining order because he held me down, smothered me, and twisted my neck into the ground. Believe me, this was no accident. I posted that he smothered me with a pillow twice, both times, like what recently happened, I could have died. I thought I was. Doesn't this warrant a restraining order??

I will add that previous things he has done:
1) chased me on the freeway (on and off) because I did not take the kids as agreed.

2) harrassed me by driving into my apartment complex while I was taking out the trash and stopping abruptedly within one inch of my knees...

Am I still as bad?

You didn't take the children as agreed? Why the hell are you a parent?

 

[sotiredofit]

Why didn't I take the kids? That was one night and we didn't have formal support orders in place yet. Ohiogal, I find this really ridiculous.

He harassed me by pretending to run me over with a car and all you got out of that was "why didn't i take the kids"?

What kind of parent am I? What kind of person are you to defend an abuser?

jaquin, thanks for your response.

jaquin, I also want to add that although my ex did break up the fight. He used that opportunity to hurt me, to smother me. But, I understand you are responding from a standpoint of how the court will look at it because that's what I have to consider. I understand that. I don't have any witnesses that can say he smothered me. The kids saw it, but did not see or understand that he was holding my nose and or smothering my face into the ground to intentionally cut off my breathing. I know what he was doing, I felt it while on the ground, he did it before.

 

[CJane]

DUDE!

YOU hit HIM.
YOU CONTINUED PURSUING THIS SUPPOSEDLY DANGEROUS PERSON AFTER HE WALKED AWAY.
YOU ATTEMPTED TO GET INTO HIS VEHICLE TWICE.

YOU DID ALL OF THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON!

And see that, you made me yell at you too.

 

[CdwJava]

The judge was almost going to restrain him for 5 years and make him pay my emergency room visit but he showed up.

Odd ... since the standard is THREE years.

He asked for the judge to continue it until 12/11 so he could prepare a written response and the judge said yes.

Not uncommon - especially given the fact that good service was not made until 3 days prior to the hearing.

Another thing, After I asked could my kids be witnesses, the judge ordered mediation.

Also common place. In mediation they will try to come up with a reasonable plan for custody and visitation. The judge is not going to hash this out in the courtroom. He will be asking the mediator to submit a recommendation. You and your soon-to-be Ex can agree or disagree with it, and the judge will make a decision on it.

Well, I don't want that. I don't want my kids involved and I don't want a judge telling me if they can or cannot see their father.

You don't want them involved? But ... wait ... didn't you just write that you asked if they could be witnesses??

As for the rest - tough. Unless you come to a conclusion in mediation that you and the Ex agree on and the judge can rubber-stamp, you will be subject to a judge's decision on all matters here - the TRO and, eventually, division of property as well as custody and visitation.

I put my hands in his face and hit the back of his head-very lightly.

YOU committed battery. This is domestic violence in the state of CA (PC 243(e)).

He got out of the car, threw a half bottle of water at me and chased me a few feet. I ran.

Okay ... so he committed assault (PC 240). great - BOTH of you could have gone to jail, and the kids could have (maybe SHOULD HAVE) been taken into protective custody.

I came back up the walk, the wife was cursing and making faces in the van. I went up to her window and started cursing, making faces and gestures back. She said, "do you want me to get out the car and beat your **S. I said, "yeah, do it". I pulled on her car door handle.

Wow! Do ANY of you have self-control? It sounds like all of you need some serious anger management counseling. I am not surprised that your child is acting "belligerent" ... he is just mirroring what the adults are doing.

It was locked. Then all of a sudden she jumped out and swung at my face and head and continue to hit me. I hit back. After it was clear she was losing, my ex got out, came around the car and pushed me down on the ground (grass) and proceeded to hold me down, twist my face and neck into the ground and smother me.

I am really sorry that the police did not come out and arrest everyone. I would have, and i would have seized the kids for CPS. This is ridiculous, uncalled for, and this relationship is a danger to the wellbeing of the children.

They took a police report. I declined to go the the emergency room that night, but went 3 days later.

That makes any injuries you received suspect, and will diminish their value in court as it can be argued that you inflicted the injuries to yourself later.

Here are my concerns: 1) When I asked the judge why he was ordering mediation, he said to see the effect the incident (and I'm not sure if that includes prior incidents of the ex's abuse). My question: Can the judge determined I instigated this or was somehow at fault and take my kids away from me?? Can he say I cursed and acted inappropriately and take the kids from me??

Yes and yes. WILL he do so? Probably not. It is very rare that a judge removes children prior to some lawn enforcement arrests being made or a petition from CPS. The judge has every right to find out what he can about the effects this relationship has had on the children.

2) Can the judge order a restraining order against me as well because I hit the ex on the head (only slightly and I didn't mean to)? Note: the ex didn't file a restraining order against me, I did against him. A restraining order would jeopardize my ability to get a job in my field. I'm in education.

Yes, he can build a restraining order or no harassment order into any custody and visitation paperwork if he chooses to.

3) I'm feeling guilty about ruining the ex's chance for employment. His permanent disability just got cut off (he says, he have an order to show cause for support issues on the same day). But, he is an abuser and I want him ordered to a year of abuser classes. Opinions?

Yes. You need to attend some counseling yourself. I would also recommend you send the kids to counseling because I can virtually guarantee that this will have a lasting effect on them, and it is very likely that they will act out violently in the future if this is not nipped now.

- Carl

 

[>Charlotte<]

You don't want them involved? But ... wait ... didn't you just write that you asked if they could be witnesses??

Yeah, that was kinda my thing, too.