please help my children

[batblue2000]

What is the name of your state? I live in the state of florida. my ex husband is a major drug abuser and has been proven in court. during our divorce the judge gave me sole visitation because x was and is still in jail. he established no visitation or child support. the judge allowed him to write to children who were then 1 and 2 years old. i saved all letters because of the content. such as daddy, will be coming for you and i will take you many places and drawing pictures of bart simpson against block walls. i never showed children. what landed him in jail was the fact he took my son his stepson 9 at the time to a crack house for 12 hours before police finally found them. in meanime i had been begging for help everyone said nothing has happened. my children now 11, 2 and 3 have no clue who he is. i moved left no forwarding because he always had people watching me. i cannot let this man near my kids and he will be out of prison in 6 months. i fear for them. he refuses any type of support, in fact i had to re enter court to have his last tax check prior to prison turned over as support because he wouldn't willingly. can i terminate his rights before another disaster. he has been on and off drugs since 1992. my kids are happy, he is abusive in every form, his ways are spiteful not out of love. my son was 3 months old when i threw him out my daughter was 15 months. they have no memory. I can't take the fear every day of what will happen when he gets out. even supervised is a insult to them. he can't manage to stay out of jail or rehab for more than 6 months. they don't deserve a revolving door. please...any help for there sake and mine. he has harrassed me from prison, had his family and drug dealers watching our every step. when I moved i received a letter 5 days later telling me where i was. I tried to get restrarning orders, the state attorney tried for stalking. judge said, because he is in prison he didn't cause a threat. he has tried to obtain copies of medical records, social security cards and birth certificates on children . his mother, has been helping him and making excuses for him, and they wonder why i won't let her have visitation with them. i feel like i'm spinning my wheels, stressed, scared and ready to run....

Melissa

 

[Boxcarbill]

You want like this advice but it is how to protect your children.

Bad boys make for bad husband and bad fathers. This one, your ex-husband, has been a bad boy, at least, since 1992--11 years. And your children with this man are 2 and 3 years of age . The son from the prior marriage (relationship) is 11. You need to find out why you chose this man to father children with and to be the step father of your son. Until you learn what attracted you to this bad boy, these children will always be at risk--whether from this particular bad boy or the next one.

 

[batblue2000]

living in a glass house !!!!

First of all I didn't ask for psycho babble ! I didn't know this man had such a record or problem until his last felony charges !! Even his own family helped hide this from me ! The worst part when I met him he was a drug counsler at a christian ranch for recovering drug addicts ! Even the pastor's felt the past should be the past , hid his record, and are the Godparents, absent now because of my doing , of my daughter ! Oh, he was a very supposed stand up man ! When I first realized the problem, I baker acted etc to get him out ! But because of judgemental people like you who DON"T HAVE A CLUE, but yet seem to ignore there own disfunction by badgering the lives of someone they don't know to take the emphasis off of there own ! Not to mention our wonderful law that surely protects the disfunctional ! Now I didn't ask for pyscho BS ! I am a single mother of 3 who works my @ss off to support my children and hopefully pay for a attorney who knows what they are saying and doing ! Maybe you should go watch sleeping with the enemy , then be sure to call Julia Roberts and ask her why she choice an abusive man ! You should be giving women praise for leaving and having the courage to do so. Or are you the one who condones putting a bullet in the x's to keep law practices doors open, rent and electric paid ! Well hat's off to ya, I learn my living the honest moral way ! I had a whole 4 year relationship with this idiot ! And I have two wonderful blessing's from that ! Don't mock my children or beat around the bush by calling them a mistake ! If I were you I wouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house !

 

[Holly Golightly]

Honey, you need to take a breath already... BoxcarBill is an ATTORNEY, and he's absolutely right.

YOU chose this man. If you don't get some help yourself, YOU will choose another man JUST LIKE the first one... It's simple human nature (Believe me, I'm in recovery myself, divorced from a drug/alcohol abuser - and I worked as a substance abuse counselor too).

As for the legal stuff - you might hire an attorney and request supervised visitation for when the ex gets released. The judge may or may not go for it - you can't tell. It's obvious that your ex is still very interested in his children, as he spends a lot of his time tracking you and them down. Sounds like between his rehabs and his jail times - he wants to have some contact with them.

Good luck.

 

[Boxcarbill]

Bad choices and refusing to take any personal responsibility for that choice!

Honey, you do not get to choose the advice that you receive here. It's free. If you don't want general commentary, then don't post of a public forum. It's that simple. With over 410,000 posts, you not posting will make the same difference in this forum as crying in the ocean makes in the sea level. As far as recommending bullets in the head to keep the legal system going, there will always be enough people who make poor decisions to keep lawyers busy. I didn't choose this loser, you did. I didn't create any of the facts which you find yourself in or put you in this position. You did.

If you do not already know, you should know that the highest recidivist rates in the criminal justice system are sexual offenders and drug offenders. The fact that you met this man as a recovering addict should have told you everything that you needed to know. Run don't Walk in the opposite direction. But instead you blame the minister, his mother, the legal system and everyone but yourself for your poor choice. Until you learn why you assign the blame to everyone but yourself, your children will remain at risk from your poor choices. Enough of my time has been spent on this thread.

 

[batblue2000]

I truly understand what you all are saying, believe it or not. I know I made an awful choice, no doubt about that but all I can change is the future ! If I dwell in the past and look for some pitty I am focusing solely on the problem instead of finding a cure. I have always believed people deserve a fair shake. A second chance to proove hey I screwed up that was then this is now ! Well smack me in the face because I have a heart ! Between his family and friends paving a very clear road it made my decision to marry him alot easier. I only blame them for the lies that they helped tell. Him trying to have contact with the children is simply because he was told he can't. This is a man who beat me when pregnant and not to mention left me and his newbourne son stranded at the hospital on yet another crack binge. He wanted nothing to do with his children prior to prison, crack was more important ! When I went for help I couldn't even bring in baker act documents etc, because of pt confidentiallity. All the cards were against me. I just want my children to have a normal peaceful life. Not receiving letters stamped "correctional institute". He only tries to find us because of the threats he has made against me and feels his sexual offender brother should have visitation who to is a crack head. I had to get away and I did. Now I just am trying to stay away. I do understand the bad, very bad choice I made and trust me the quilt I feel everyday for my children being put in this position near kills me. All I can do now, is try my best to keep them sae mentally and physically. Trust me the only way I can do that is to keep this monster from him. Although I made the choices to be with him, he made the choices that landed him in prison and holding a crack pipe to his lips. Those are consequences I nor should my children have to face ! Or am I wrong again ?

 

[FJ1200guy]

Great god...

Listen... batblue? You probobly will not be able to terminate patental rights, but it's worth a try. But I'll bet you can limit visitation, since you seem to have alot of documentation. IF you have plenty of documentation on this guy, proving he isn't a good risk for visits... you could get his visits supervised, or whatever. If I were you, since you have 6 months or so, I'd look at getting some legal assistance, maybe some free services to help you make some plans.

More advice: usually you'll get some advice that is very good in here from folks like Boxcarbill, and Holly, and others. But you'll also get some judgement, too. Accept this, and take what you can get from these folks. Consider it the price for "free" advice. Good luck, and be patiebt and work your way through the legal process.

Later, Lyle

 

[batblue2000]

Thanks much Lyle ! I can understand the judgement however NO ONE is perfect ! Sometimes it just absolutly diqusts me when I feel he, the abuser, drug addict and well I will stop there seems to have more rights than I or the children ! Here is a man who doesn't give a rats you know what about anyone, wants the rights of a father but doesn't want the responsibility ! He recently stated he would not visit with the kids if it were supervised ? It's what he wants or nothing ! I have never shown a letter to my children frm him because it's content to a 2 and 3 year old is awful. He tries to make them feel sorry for him, first by lying explaining he is in the hospital, then wanting them to kiss the picture he sent them, (his mugshot) literally everytime they pass by it because I am suppose to hang it on the wall ! He tells them I am keeping them from him, true , but jail is more at fault !He is simply using these kids as a tool. What will it take for someone to realize this man doesn't have half a brain !! He has also been diagnosed with BIPOLAR and is on and off meds all the time or replaces RX's with crack ! He has not remained sober for more than 6 months at a time. He either ends up back in jail or rehab because he checks himself in with no other place to go. So what am I suppose to do introduce my children who have no memory of him 6 months from now, then he gets put away again so oops sorry kids, daddy is back in the hospital, oh wait kids daddy wants to see you again, he's out of the hospital ! His future is not a projetion, it's a fact, one that has been going on same pattern for years now ! I wasn't wise before , but I am now ! Everyone has pretty much wanted to throw stones at me thus far for my "bad" choices, if I didn't care or not want to make another bad choice I wouldn't have posted this, so NO I can't let boulders come flying at me when I do nothing now, but no real legal help has been given. Thanks again,
Melissa

 

[FJ1200guy]

I hear you Blue. Some folks want to be perfect, and this forum is a place to put people down so they feel bigger. Just like high school!

But the point is you'd be best off having your accusations documented. Any court paperwork you have, use it for proof, otherwise it's your word against his, and parents are always acussing each other of all kinds of stuff. Judges see it every day, so why would your case be different, right?

I learned a long time ago... "cover your own ass".


And hey... some of us are perfect!


Take it easy, Lyle


edit:frikkin' typos

 

[halbbd01]

Boxcar seems to know what he's talking about and be very educated in the law. I wish he's spend more time talking about the law rather than judging people.

But, i will say his personal advice was good in this case. Well maybe based on assumption, but interesting to ponder nonetheless.

Why dont' you tell her what she can do and please check my thread again boxcar. I'd appreciate it.

 

[batblue2000]

Thank you very much ! I thought this was for legal advise and he was a lawyer ! I didn't know he carried a Phd as well. That was my point to all this !

Thanks again,
Melissa

 

[tammy8]

Okay the guy has been in prision all this time?

How do you know that he is not clean now? And realizes what he has missed out on? I know once an addict it is HARD to stay clean but what if he is one of the few that do? then your children will be missing out a future with a clean father.

Then again maybe not.

 

[batblue2000]

I would believe that other than the fact of he has been in and out of jail since they were born and nothing ever changed. Sometimes in the past I did have hope and thought this time would change him, or it would be the last but I was always wrong. He has even been in the best of treatment centers seen physcologists you name it, the result always the same. For the children I always wished he would do the right thing but thus far he hasn't. So now it's hard to believe a grown man will change. I honestly hoped this time would be different. I have been in contact with many people who has spoken with, plus read letters he has written. The sad fact is he still has not excepted responsiblity for his actions. He still blMES ME FOR CALLING THE POLICE ON HIM to locate my son who as stated was found in a crack house with his step father after pulling over his car that he rented out for crack cocaine. His theory and stated is that family doesn't put family in jail, family doesn't call the police on family. He wanted me to choose between his fate and my son. Obviuosly that was no choice for me. You see where he is. My son has undergone 2 years of therapy because of this man. He now does not trust men, teachers pretty much anyone who claims to care of him. I just cannot take the chance that he will ruin such as future for yet another one of his children. I am trying to now protect my childrens emotional well being ! I know I will get supervised because in criminal court when sentenced the Judge ordered he is to have no contact with ANY child under the age of 18 unsupervised for the lenghth of his life. My point is that menatl abuse can and sometimes be just as bad as physical abuse. I don't feel my children deserve a revolving door with him. They had that when he was at home ! Thank God they have no memory, I am tired of begging him to have a healthy relationship with himself and children. I was the one who always believed in him because I did see the person he could be ! He has continued to choose to be the monster he locks inside and thus becoming all of our, even his self worst enemy. I appreciate your input, but at 38 years old do you honestly think he has changes, when he can't admit to himself or anyone that he has a problem and admit that HE was the one who landed himself in jail ?

Melissa

 

[ili]

batblue2000, I wish people wouldn't be judgmental and would
think of the children first. Hindsight is 20/20 but you cannot go
back and change the past. I know that right now you want what
is best for your children. I love the quote, "It is easier to build strong children than repair broken men." -Frederick Douglas. Your
ex may be a broken man but building the children strong and
well is more important than helping him. It is doubtful he has
changed and the children must come first. I know little about the
law but if it were me I'd do whatever was necessary to terminate
his rights and move where you cannot be found if at all possible.

 

[batblue2000]

thank you so much

I appreciate very much the words you just gave and the quote ! God knows I have made a very bad choice with my ex husband but as I stated so many times before calling the whole thing a mistake would be calling my children one as well. I have learned in life in my what feels to be a very long 29 years that people criticize more so to take the emphasis off of the mistakes they have made. At least I can admit mine !! As for me and my children we have moved and thus far the only people who know where we are is my family and closest friends ! I have to protect them from a life he will provide and I have to have peace of mind. My peace leads to there happiness no doubt. I am and will continue to run like hell ! Again, thank you so much and I wish everyne were as opened minded as you !

Melissa