Please help with this mess...

[stealth2]

Much better, thank you.

A judge will most likely simply order that the two of you not bad mouth one another in front of the child, and that you communicate on matters of importance. The fact is that it will be different than if you were still married, because you're not. You have different parenting and communication styles. My ex & I communicate only regarding confirmation andor changes of visitation schedules, and occasionally matters of medical importance. That's pretty much it. The kids have their life here at home, and then they have their life at their Dad's.

What he does with the child on his visitation time is really none of your business, unless she is placed in obvious harm's way. That's whether on a weekend or during extended visitation like the summer. Just as you are expected to make your arrangements for her care when you're not available to do so, so is he. Unless the order requires that the two of you agree on caregivers (or have a right of first refusal clause), each of you are pretty well free to make those decisions yourselves.

As for what you tell your daughter - simply that both you and Dad love her, and you have different ideas on how it's best to raise her.

 

[haiku]

Sorry for my "lack of paragraphs" Sentence structure is just about the farthest thing from my mind at this time, but I will work on it.

***it just really really helps..****

Okay. I think I've got it. So, what I am to believe is that no matter what I say in court, as far as his previous "non-interest" in our child, no matter what I say about his complete refusal to communicate with me, no matter how much documentation of these facts I show, (been logging everything for the past several years), the judge will most likely give him the right to NOT COMMUNICATE with me?

***Seriously, what do you want, unless it is of dire importance there is really no need for much face to face time. At one point my husband and his ex had to put all major communication in writing, only. it actually protects you, if things are that volitile***

The judge will let him pick her up from school on Fridays, and return her to school on Mondays (on his weekends) even though his reason for doing so is to make his WIFE happy? I thought it was about OUR CHILDS HAPPINESS. Is this the most likely outcome?

***Just drop the wife from the equation. Seriously, its a ridiculous argument in my book. What goes on betwen him and his wife is thier business. There is no reason why your child cannot be happy with this arrangment. Dad picks her up, dad drops her off. What is the problem? Would it be nice if you all got along? sure, but you are still divorced, nothing will change that. A long as YOU act like it is the most normal thing in the world, and send her off with big kisses that morning she WILL adjust.*****

It's my belief that JOINT Custody means both parents make an effort to raise the child, in a manner that's best for the child. What child wouldn't benefit from his/her parents behaving civily towards each other? What child wouldn't benefit by having parents who openly communicate with each other?

***Again, neato concept, but in most peoples reality it just doesn't work that way, hence the need for forums such as this. SOmetimes all joint custody means is both parents get to raise the child the way they see fit during thier time with thier child. If you make the transition between homes seem lik ethe most normal thing in the world you will make it easier on your daughter.*****

I just need to know if I am wasting my time here. Should I just give in, agree to what he wants as far as visitation/communication are concerned, and hope for the best? I am curious as to what his plans will be in the summer when there isn't school. How will he avoid me then? Will the court appoint a third party to act as a go-between?

***I don't think you have to give in, but you do need to know what you are willing to settle for....and there is the fact you do get significantly more time with the kid than he does, it really is not that uncomon for NCP's to pick up and drop off at school.

in your case you may want to negotiate a public drop point for summer like mcdonalds or a coffee shop for example. Nuetral ground, so no one feels intimidated.***


Also, how am I to explain to Haylee why it works this way? How do I explain that HONESTLY, without making her father look like a spinless idiot? She wants us to communicate and she knows that I want it to. What do I tell her?

***It really shouldn't be her concern. At that age my kids only knew we dropped at McDonalds because it was easier for the grownups, and they got to play while we waited. That satisfied them. you don't need to give kids lots of information. They are no dummies they know thier is animosity there even behind the painted on smiles.****

I really and truely do not want to fight about this in court. I will give in before I spend thousands of dollars to get things the way I think they should be. I honestly think it would be cheaper to have a backbone surgically implanted in this man.

Please advise.

You need to make a list and decide what is really important to you in this battle. I have to be honest and say, to me this is a little thing. And likely something I could use to negotiate some other more important point I was interested in.

 

[LuvRPgrl]

Start using more paragraphs

 

[stealth2]

Start using more paragraphs

Uuuh, you'll note this was already addressed.

 

[BethIam]

LuvR.....Who are you talking to?

 

[BethIam]

Stealth, Thanks.

Is it possible that a judge would order co-parenting classes? I don't want that, but have been told it could happen and is crazy expensive.

 

[BethIam]

Whooda Thunkit??

You guys know what?? I actually did enjoy my little break this weekend.

I called the school this morning to make sure she was there and that's it. I don't think I will push the issue. I think I'm having a hard time with this because it's new. He just hasn't been involved, and now it seems foreign to me. Ya know?

Anyway, I am making a list of what's important, and what time he gets her on Friday is not on that list. I don't see me dropping the communication problem though. True, we don't need to see each other, but on the rare occasion that I need to call him for whatever reason, he needs to respect the fact that I am his kids mother, and simply answer the damn phone. At the very least, call back asap, and that shouldn't have anything to do with whether or not his wife is within earshot. I am not asking for anything here that I don't willing give myself.

 

[stealth2]

I think that's a wise choice. I would talk to the teacher to see if you can get a copy of her paperwork either on Thursday or Monday, so that you're in the loop. Our ES actually sent all papers for the week (classwork & announcements, etc) home on Mondays, which made things a lot easier.

Consider asking your ex if email communication might be more convenient. That way you both have a record of what was - and wasn't - said.

 

[BethIam]

Email would be fine with me, if we both agreed to check it regularly.

But, you know what? It wouldn't be him emailing me. It would be her, pretending to be him. That would give her total control.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY "What does it matter who does the typing?" " Sounds like you are the one with control issues."

Am I right?

Seriously, it's not my wish to control his life. The fact that he is so easily controlled, is the biggest reason I fell out of love with him. It's hard to respect someone who needs to be controlled.

Am I just going to have to learn to deal with how she (wife) is, and tell myself that it doesn't and will not affect my child in any way? Whether it seems like it or not, that is my concern. I just want her to feel secure, and know that in her father's eyes, nothing comes before her. That's unfortunately not true, but I would like her to think that it is.

Am I making sense?

 

[stealth2]

There are some things you cannot change, and the sooner you realize that, the easier it will be for both you and the kid. At the end of the day, no, it doesn't matter who's doing the typing. BTDT, and it just isn't worth the aggravation of fighting it.

You daughter and ex have to build their own relationship. Not the one you want them to have - the one they build. Good, bad or indifferent.

 

[BethIam]

Thanks. I really mean it.

I know in my heart that you're right and I will eventually "get there."
It's hard, but I'm guessing it will get easier.

That's all for now, I have to move the computer to paint behind the desk. (ugh) I'll keep you informed, if for no other reason than the motivation I will get in return. Like I said, it ain't gonna be easy....