Please...parental alienation...what next?

[bsilva642]

What is the name of your state? CA

Please, I have run into so many dead ends, and I am running out of time.
My daughter is going to be four next month. She will not start school until Sept. of 2006. My ex-husband and I live 45 min. from each other, and have joint physical custody, or co-parenting week to week.
Unfortunately, he is alienating me and making my little girl resent me. My ex and his soon to be wife refused to let us into their new home when we went to pick up my daughter. What are they hiding? His fiancee tried to provoke a fist fight in front of my daughter, and both said we are not welcome in their home. Believe it or not, this is completely one sided. They have never been disrespected by me or my husband, and are always welcome. My daughter has made comment that she hates her half brother who is 15 months old. She says that he isn't welcome and that she doesn't like him. When my little girl is there, basically, I am not her mother. I can't let them make her hate me. I'm already so afraid of losing her, and I have until sunday to find out what to do. I don't want to take her back there. Now I am uncomfortable, I don't know how bad they are brainwashing her, but I know that it is unhealthy and I feel it is abusive. What can I do?

 

[abstract99]

My daughter has made comment that she hates her half brother who is 15 months old. She says that he isn't welcome and that she doesn't like him.

Normal for a little girl. She might feel that little vro is invading on her space

My ex and his soon to be wife refused to let us into their new home when we went to pick up my daughter. What are they hiding? His fiancee tried to provoke a fist fight in front of my daughter, and both said we are not welcome in their home.

This is compleatly within their rights. I never let my ex in my house, not because I have anything to hide, but because I don't want her to use anything that she see's against me. Maybe they were embarrassed because their house was a little dirty. If you were really pushy about wanting to come in I might get mad too, I wuold be wondering why you want in so bad. If you have a cell phone the best thing to do would be pull up to the curb and call him from the car. This gives him some private time to say goodbye to his daughter.

 

[bsilva642]

The problem isn't being allowed in their home, that is their space. The problem is being confrontational in front of the children, and letting her know that we are not welcome there. Unfortunately the things that she says are not normal sibling rivalry, they are adult comments.

 

[bsilva642]

How can I possibly agree to co parent this child until she reaches school age, with custody negotiated then, if I am not being allowed to be her parent when she is with him. I have absolutely no rights as far as they are concerned when not with me. And as far as the new wife is concerned, I don't have a problem with her, I don't want that to be the issue, but what can I do to keep her from degrading me in front of my daughter when we exchange?

 

[Smarty Panties]

My advice would be to have a heart to heart with the ex and his wife and let them know how this is affecting the little girl. Believe me, it's very damaging to her. I'd start with the wife if at all possible. You may not think it's any of her business but believe me, she has a lot of pull with your ex and she'll feel like she's a part of the solution if you include her. She'll feel like a part of the "team", so to speak. Don't accuse and don't be confrontational. I wish you luck. I've been thru this myself and it's horrible. The one thing I've learned from it is communication is vital.

 

[abstract99]

How can I possibly agree to co parent this child until she reaches school age, with custody negotiated then, if I am not being allowed to be her parent when she is with him. I have absolutely no rights as far as they are concerned when not with me. And as far as the new wife is concerned, I don't have a problem with her, I don't want that to be the issue, but what can I do to keep her from degrading me in front of my daughter when we exchange?

For the PAS go to this website for more info: www.deltabravo.net . You are going to have to come to the realization that the father reserves the right to raise the child in whatever way he deems fit while the child is in his house. I'm sorry that you don't like it but that is just the way it is. Even if you had sole custody you still would not be able to dictate how your Ex raises his daughter in his home.

 

[survive1]

I am in the same position

CA
Hi there,
I just read your quote and it sounds very similar to what I am going through.
I have a seven year old boy whom I share joint physical and legal custody with my ex. We have a week on week off visitation with primary residence to me. My ex and his soon to be wife have been alienating my son from me for the last 5 months. When he is with them, he never calls me and when he comes home, he is mean to me and says hateful things. It lasts about the first day or so. It hurts so bad and I know he is confused about what he hears. She buys him everything I buy him but better like she is trying to take over. The other day, his fiancee beat me to daycare and picked up my son during my time. I was frantic and called my ex's cell phone. He moved into a new house a few months ago and will not let me have his address or phone number. The police only took a report. I have been dealing with this vindictive behavior for years now and just lost a court battle this past summer to change visitation from verbal agreement to set dates. The system and my lawyer were a joke. They didn't change a thing. My advice to you is what I am doing right now. Document everything! Not just your word but police reports, therapist for child and yourself etc...nothing will hold up if it is your word alone. I am also filing an emergency exparte which will grant a hearing within a week to change this horrible lifestyle into one that is safe and stabile for my sweet child. I hope I could help you in some way. Good luck and remember, what comes around, goes around.

 

[LdiJ]

Even though your child is only 4, counseling can be a great way to not only help with this situation....but is also a great way to document problems and have a neutral party available to testify.

 

[bsilva642]

Thank you all so much, I hope that things work out for everyone. For Survive1 thank you, it is so good to know that I am not the only one that is going through this, and that I am not insane, or paranoid, and that this is a real, and extremely hurtful thing. I hope that the courts will be just as understanding. Everything you said rang sooo true. It is an almost exact scenario. We bought her a fish, they bought her two. We take her to Chuck E Cheese, they take her to Disneyland. It is blatant and disrespectful, and in the end, unfortunately, it is inconsequential. The courts don't care how much you buy for your child. I wish that it was as easy as trying to initiate communication. With people that are so bitter and vindictive, even the effects on the child don't matter. I wish everyone the best of luck and thanks again.