Poor Grades :(

[The0racle]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

As the NCP, I do not have daily access to my children and thus, am not able to help with their homework during the week. What I can do and have been doing is keep in regular contact with their teachers. In doing this, I will assist by obtaining specific instructions from the teachers about missing assignments, and makeup work available, available hours for help (before/after school, etc.) Report cards are generally not a surprise for me, unless there was little response from a teacher.

Despite all my efforts, my DD received an F, 4 D's and a B (in art - something she loves!) this past term because she was not doing her work. It's too late to sign up for summer school.

From what my DD says, she is not getting help from CP (and I do take what kids say with a grain of salt - they are not always completely forthcoming). My DD is a sophomore in HS so this pattern will be very harmful to her if she does not make improvements.

At what point is this something that the court would consider modifying custody? DD would have to change schools if custody were switched but there's a chance she may have to anyway, since CP moved this year just outside of DD's school boundary line. The school near me is equally as good (if not better) than the HS she has attended the past 2 years.

 

[jumac]

Two quick question for you

1st. Is your dd missing work cause she dosn't want to do it and the CP dosn't take the time to make her do it? or is dd trying her hardest and just needs some extra help in areas?

2nd. Is the CP making your dd do other things insteed of homework? I ask this cause i grew up with a good friend where the NCP was giving Custody cause the CP though it was more important for the child to be doing work around the house(small farm) then it was to be doing homework(or even going to school)

 

[stealth2]

Or, is your 15/16yo choosing not to do what is required of her? What onus is put on her to live up to her responsibilities?

 

[The0racle]

A little of both

I think DD is both not doing the work because she doesn't want to but she also needs help and is not getting it. She doesn't ask and neither does CP.

What happens is she falls behind, then gets overwhelmed with the past due work. I become the bad guy when I call because I'm reminding of work that needs to be completed. I hear a lot of "Yeah - I know. I'm turning it in tomorrow." or the like. Without being there, how can I know? CP does not answer my emails and we are not on speaking terms. One time, I forwarded CP an email thread/dialog between me and a teacher and CP accused me of "schmoozing", saying "Boy - you really had me going. I almost believed you..." :/

I don't think CP is making DD do other things instead of homework. There just doesn't seem to be any accountability. It's also not uncommon for DD to be sick on days when work is due and CP always falls for it.

 

[stealth2]

Then put the responsibility where it belongs - on your daughter. At the end of the day, it's her own future she's messing with - but it's up to her to fix it or not.

And yes, I have gone through this with both of my teens. Told 'em both that it was THEIR responsibility to step up to the plate and what the consequences of their inaction would be.

I am curious, though - if you have been staying on top of all this and have been aware of the problem... why did you allow it to get too late to register her for summer school?

 

[The0racle]

Summer School

I am curious, though - if you have been staying on top of all this and have been aware of the problem... why did you allow it to get too late to register her for summer school?

I'm the NCP - CP has sole custody, so I don't have authority to sign DD up for Summer School

 

[stealth2]

I'm the NCP - CP has sole custody, so I don't have authority to sign DD up for Summer School

And have you talked to CP about it? Why don't you have Joint Legal - that's pretty standard.

 

[The0racle]

CP and NCP not on speaking terms - email only

No - I hadn't talked with CP about this. We email and I only get a reply when it relates to health or insurance. CP is of the belief that I need to go through them for school issues so the need to respond to my emails is of no importance.

We had joint custody previously until the kids decided they wanted to live at CP's full time (where school has always been). Since CP & I never agree on anything, I ultimately stipulated to the sole custody arrangement. It's not what I thought was best but better than letting things continue to drag out in court at the time.

 

[CourtClerk]

So you gave up (willingly) the ability to make decisions with your ex regarding school...

Your dd is CHOOSING to flunk out of school (willingly)

I have to agree with Stealth, this is your dd's fault, not your ex.

I don't help with homework. I stopped somewhere between the 7th and 8th grade. I may answer the occasional question, but there are TOO MANY resources at school to get help to come home and play helpless. Yes, that means, you may not be able to hang out before or after school or at lunch time and you have to find yourself in a classroom instead. No, you can't have your cell phone, play on the computer and watch TV after school (or when she goes over your house). Go to tutoring, have her go speak to her counselors, or let her repeat a grade or two and see if her friends still think she's cool.

She's a big girl, not a baby. So stop treating her like one.

 

[gr8rn]

No - I hadn't talked with CP about this. We email and I only get a reply when it relates to health or insurance. CP is of the belief that I need to go through them for school issues so the need to respond to my emails is of no importance.

We had joint custody previously until the kids decided they wanted to live at CP's full time (where school has always been). Since CP & I never agree on anything, I ultimately stipulated to the sole custody arrangement. It's not what I thought was best but better than letting things continue to drag out in court at the time.

Then you have no idea how hard it is to get the child to do her homework. Because you gave up your right to joint decision making, which is the norm, then you gave up your right to complain. And you will not be able to change custody. It is very easy as the NCP to sit back and complain that the grades are not up to your standard. Its a lot harder to get a teenager to make school and homework a priority. Mom can't go into your daughters brain, clean up the fog and the clutter, move things around and push the knowledge in through her ears...it takes the child wanting to learn and wanting to have good grades...Mom is probably doing her best. With no help from you except for an occasional email telling her what a horrible job she is doing. Sheesh!

Poor grades =not Mom's fault

 

[The0racle]

Assumptions

Then you have no idea how hard it is to get the child to do her homework. Because you gave up your right to joint decision making, which is the norm, then you gave up your right to complain. And you will not be able to change custody. It is very easy as the NCP to sit back and complain that the grades are not up to your standard. Its a lot harder to get a teenager to make school and homework a priority. Mom can't go into your daughters brain, clean up the fog and the clutter, move things around and push the knowledge in through her ears...it takes the child wanting to learn and wanting to have good grades...Mom is probably doing her best. With no help from you except for an occasional email telling her what a horrible job she is doing. Sheesh!

Poor grades =not Mom's fault

I think you've made too many assumptions. Who said CP was Mom?

Also - I don't send CP emails to complain - I pass information to CP that I've gathered from the teachers.

I also know how hard it is to make a teenager do their work. If it takes sitting at the table with them every night and inspecting their completed work - then that's what it takes. Children need guidance; not so much independence that they're set up to fail.

I may have given up my right to make decisions about their education but I did not give up my right to access that information and help in what ever way I can.

 

[CourtClerk]

I also know how hard it is to make a teenager do their work. If it takes sitting at the table with them every night and inspecting their completed work - then that's what it takes.

No, that's what you do to a 9 year old... not a sophomore in high school. Besides, who says she brings home all of the assignments or writes them down? How do you know they're complete?

Children need guidance; not so much independence that they're set up to fail.

Young adults needs to be held responsible and accountable for their OWN actions or you'll be babysitting them well into their 30's.

I may have given up my right to make decisions about their education but I did not give up my right to access that information and help in what ever way I can.

As the NCP, I do not have daily access to my children and thus, am not able to help with their homework during the week.

Then other than sending a pesky email here and there, what HAVE you done? Since, you say if it takes someone sitting at the table yadda yadda yadda (which I think is RIDICULOUS for someone that old) why don't you stop by every night after school?

 

[heather1979]

So we as parents should let our kids fall flat on their face because they should do things themselves even if we know we can prevent that from happening by making sure they do their work and sitting down with them and helping them? Why don't they change the age of being able to move out from 18 to 15 then? My mother went to my brother's class in HIGH SCHOOL and sat there and embarrassed the hell out of him. He did his work from then on.

 

[The0racle]

Yes - Family help is important

So we as parents should let our kids fall flat on their face because they should do things themselves even if we know we can prevent that from happening by making sure they do their work and sitting down with them and helping them? Why don't they change the age of being able to move out from 18 to 15 then? My mother went to my brother's class in HIGH SCHOOL and sat there and embarrassed the hell out of him. He did his work from then on.

My mother went to my classroom once (once!) too, Heather.

In case no one else has ever felt their guidance had a positive affect on their child's success in middle and high school...

Here's just one link that says "Family members play a crucial role..." Approaches to Helping Our Middle School and High School Students Learn

There are plenty more like this one.

I have helped my kids with assignments on weekends by asking questions that make them think and guiding them through various research resources, etc. I"ve taken them shopping for supplies when they've needed to create a presentation. I am not there (at CP's) after school each day to help. I do what I can from afar. CP's home is not close enough for me to go to after work. The living situation is what it is.

 

[Just Blue]

So we as parents should let our kids fall flat on their face because they should do things themselves even if we know we can prevent that from happening by making sure they do their work and sitting down with them and helping them? Why don't they change the age of being able to move out from 18 to 15 then? My mother went to my brother's class in HIGH SCHOOL and sat there and embarrassed the hell out of him. He did his work from then on.

If your mother had to do such a drastic action when bro was in HIGH SCHOOL, she didn't do her "job" as a parent while he was in middle school.

My eldest was a procrastinator. In the 7th grade she would ask me to take her to the store for project supplies...the EVENING before the project was due. She had 2 weeks to do this project. I told her this was the last time I would do this...Next time she would not pull this with me.

She tried this again...I said NO. She started to cry "But Mom it's due TOMORROW!". Tough I said. She went to her room and slammed the door. She passed in her project 2 days late and received a B instead of an A+ due to the lateness.
I had a "sit down" with her and told her that SHE is responsible for HER homework, project and grades. It is HER choice if she ends up a successful adult or one with a McJob.

She sulked for a couple of days. But NEVER again did she put off her work. She graduated from one of the top High Schools in Mass 3rd in her class. She is currently going into her 4th year of college making the Deans list EVERY semester, while working 2 jobs.