Poor Grades :(

[heather1979]

No my mother did very well for my brother when in grade school. He decided to slack off in high school and not give a crap until my mother embarrassed him. Then he was back on track.

Sometimes drastic things need to be done for the kids to realize crap is not going to be taken. You chose to tell your daughter you were not going to get what she needed for a project. Great! I have done the same thing to one of my kids and they were pissed as well. I think different tactics work for different kids.

When you are the NCP there is only so much you can do. He said they speak through email so I am guessing the CP would not let him come to the house to check on whether or not they are doing their homework. Perhaps calling every day asking how school is going and asking about homework may help. Instead of confronting the CP about what you hear from the teachers, tell the kids. Ask them why the teachers are saying these things and why their work isn't getting done. Blame can be placed on the kids and the parent for not caring.

 

[Just Blue]

No my mother did very well for my brother when in grade school. He decided to slack off in high school and not give a crap until my mother embarrassed him. Then he was back on track.

Sometimes drastic things need to be done for the kids to realize crap is not going to be taken. You chose to tell your daughter you were not going to get what she needed for a project. Great! I have done the same thing to one of my kids and they were pissed as well. I think different tactics work for different kids.

When you are the NCP there is only so much you can do. He said they speak through email so I am guessing the CP would not let him come to the house to check on whether or not they are doing their homework. Perhaps calling every day asking how school is going and asking about homework may help. Instead of confronting the CP about what you hear from the teachers, tell the kids. Ask them why the teachers are saying these things and why their work isn't getting done. Blame can be placed on the kids and the parent for not caring.

I think the OP is trying very hard to be a good Dad. But honestly...The DD is 15 (??)...She need to learn a very hard lesson in responsibility and accountability. NOW.

My advice?

Hire a tutor to help her get caught up. Keep her back a year. I can almost guarantee that she will try damn hard next year. With or without Mom's help.

 

[stealth2]

I quit sitting over homework when they went to Middle School. I was still available for questions, suggestions and discussions. I'd check the parents' website and draw their attention to what it was showing me and talk with them about the consequences of doing poorly in MS - they wouldn't place in Honors/AP classes, which would (a) leave them bored stiff in school and (b) restrict their possibilities after HS. But made it clear that it was up to them to do what was required - and that I would support them if they wanted help.

In HS? I made it clear to both of my teens that it was time for them to start getting themselves ready for college - when they would have to sink or swim on their own. Again - if they needed help, I expected them to take responsibility and ask their teacher(s) and/or guidance counselor and/or myself. But that I was not going to ride herd on them; the most I would do is check on the parents' site and give them an alert if I saw a problem - the solution would be in their hands.

Did they stumble? Yep, they sure did. And learned from it. I'm proud to say that I am sending my oldest off to college this fall and have no doubt that he is ready to face the challenge as a young adult. Without needing his Mommy to hold his hand.

It is INCREDIBLY hard to allow your child to learn how to fail - and then how to recover from it on their own. My tongue has been bit nearly clean through more times than I care to remember. But when I look at some of their peers? I see how much damage riding herd can do - a lot of kids their ages are completely dependent upon their parents for *every*thing. And that's sad to me.

Just something to think about.

 

[LdiJ]

I quit sitting over homework when they went to Middle School. I was still available for questions, suggestions and discussions. I'd check the parents' website and draw their attention to what it was showing me and talk with them about the consequences of doing poorly in MS - they wouldn't place in Honors/AP classes, which would (a) leave them bored stiff in school and (b) restrict their possibilities after HS. But made it clear that it was up to them to do what was required - and that I would support them if they wanted help.

In HS? I made it clear to both of my teens that it was time for them to start getting themselves ready for college - when they would have to sink or swim on their own. Again - if they needed help, I expected them to take responsibility and ask their teacher(s) and/or guidance counselor and/or myself. But that I was not going to ride herd on them; the most I would do is check on the parents' site and give them an alert if I saw a problem - the solution would be in their hands.

Did they stumble? Yep, they sure did. And learned from it. I'm proud to say that I am sending my oldest off to college this fall and have no doubt that he is ready to face the challenge as a young adult. Without needing his Mommy to hold his hand.

It is INCREDIBLY hard to allow your child to learn how to fail - and then how to recover from it on their own. My tongue has been bit nearly clean through more times than I care to remember. But when I look at some of their peers? I see how much damage riding herd can do - a lot of kids their ages are completely dependent upon their parents for *every*thing. And that's sad to me.

Just something to think about.

I have said this before and I will say it again (standing up an applauding)...you have done a wonderful job with your children, despite some serious adversity.

I will readily admit that I didn't do as well with my one. In retrospect opening the restaurant was my downfall. It came at a time when she needed her parents the most, and had them the least.

My daughter has figured it out and is coming along nicely now...but we had some tough years. She could have been several years ahead of where she is now if she had figured it out sooner.

However, going back to my own teen years, and my parents, who did it equally as well as you did, you are right. When it comes to high school the kids have to "own" their successes and failures.

A parent cannot make them learn squat. A parent can impose consequences if they do not meet expectations, but a parent cannot make them learn squat if they are determined not to learn.

 

[stealth2]

O/T

Well... I have gotten my share of negative feedback from other parents I know. Not all, to be sure. But some. Mostly about my refusal to helicopter and/or go in to school to advocate for one of my kids. (I always wondered how I was supposed to advocate in favor of one of my children not doing their work.)

Last week, both kids and I went to a parent orientation at #1's university. And I was truly shocked at the level of involvement some of the other parents expected to have. And, frankly, the extent to which the university was willing to pander to those parents. How could parents keep track of grades? How could parents know what their kid is going to health services for? How would the university make sure the kids were eating properly. Uuuuhhh... wow.

I told him that I'd appreciate it if he waived FERPA rights, but I'd understand if he chose not to. Told him to remember that he could get low-cost condoms at health services - and to make sure he wraps up! And that I am really excited for him as he embarks on this next adventure.

It isn't easy. But we have to help them learn how to fly. Without us.

 

[CourtClerk]

My eldest was a procrastinator. In the 7th grade she would ask me to take her to the store for project supplies...the EVENING before the project was due. She had 2 weeks to do this project. I told her this was the last time I would do this...Next time she would not pull this with me.

I told my little procrastinator (who also suffers from ADHD) that not only would I not do it, but I got so sick of the late assignments, that I INSTRUCTED his teachers NOT to accept a late assignment from him. EVER. If he doesn't turn it in, he takes the 0 because that's what he's earned. When I've explained my position thoroughly, I haven't gotten one teacher to disagree with me. He tried it once, he got an F on a paper. He cried because it was the first F he ever received. Oh well, he got over it and he learned to better organize and prioritize. I've done high school and I've done college. I've gotten my education, now go get yours.

IMO, parents AND teachers have bent over backward to coddle these kids and it hinders him. They become adults, they can't function without someone telling them what to do, they can't multi-task and they're always looking for some way to blame someone/something else for their failures. Sometimes you just gotta tell your kid they failed at something... and that's ok (so long as you learned from it - and you're still grounded).

 

[stealth2]

LOL I just remembered... starting in 1st and ending at the end of 8th, I told both of them that I would go back to the school one time for each of them each semester to pick up a forgotten book, homework, whatever. So - four times per year. Once they hit HS? Nuh uh! Bring it home, get it from a friend or you're SOL. 'Cause in Honors/AP classes? Few (if any) of our teachers will accept a late assignment. Learned quick, they did.

And no, I am not a big old mean meanie. I coddle my kids when it's needed. Like.... when #2 got dumped. Or when #1 didn't get into #1 choice. There are times when commiseration is needed. Not trying in school isn't one of them.

 

[frylover]

I pretty much quit following my oldest around asking "what do you have for homework?" in the fifth grade. I told her I was available for help if she needed it and I would be glad to quiz her for tests, but it was her responsibility to do what needed to be done and ASK for help if she needed it. I'll NEVER refuse to help her (not "do it for her", just help) or get her outside help (I can see that being an issue in HS math because I REALLY suck at math!). But she's more than capable of writing down her assignments and then checking to be sure she's done them! My youngest is going to require more "training" with that, but she'll get there, too.

OT....just a little brag. Oldest is going into 8th grade. She attends a jr/sr high school and this year will be taking 4 HS level courses, two of them honors!

Oh, and Stealth, you really are amazing!

 

[CourtClerk]

LOL I just remembered... starting in 1st and ending at the end of 8th, I told both of them that I would go back to the school one time for each of them each semester to pick up a forgotten book, homework, whatever. So - four times per year. Once they hit HS? Nuh uh! Bring it home, get it from a friend or you're SOL. 'Cause in Honors/AP classes? Few (if any) of our teachers will accept a late assignment. Learned quick, they did.

That is correct... however, there is no such thing as "I left my book at school" here... they have home sets. They have access to their assignments at home via the internet. He's missed 2 days of school since he started pre-school. He's got absolutely no reason not to turn in an assignment or turn it in late.

And no, I am not a big old mean meanie. I coddle my kids when it's needed. Like.... when #2 got dumped. Or when #1 didn't get into #1 choice. There are times when commiseration is needed. Not trying in school isn't one of them.

That's appropriate teenage coddling. I'll include the time he spent HOURS typing a paper only to have the power go out in the neighborhood for 6 straight hours and his whole paper went into the black hole of where ever.

 

[stealth2]

That's appropriate teenage coddling. I'll include the time he spent HOURS typing a paper only to have the power go out in the neighborhood for 6 straight hours and his whole paper went into the black hole of where ever.

Oh! We had that happen and it was the ONE time when I did step in.

Oh, and Stealth, you really are amazing!

Nah, I'm really not. Damned lucky, though!

 

[frylover]

That is correct... however, there is no such thing as "I left my book at school" here... they have home sets. They have access to their assignments at home via the internet. He's missed 2 days of school since he started pre-school. He's got absolutely no reason not to turn in an assignment or turn it in late.

That's appropriate teenage coddling. I'll include the time he spent HOURS typing a paper only to have the power go out in the neighborhood for 6 straight hours and his whole paper went into the black hole of where ever.[/QUOTE]

Man, THAT would totally stink! I think I would have cried as an ADULT!!!

 

[CourtClerk]

Man, THAT would totally stink! I think I would have cried as an ADULT!!!

Believe me.... when he woke ME up (because I had already fallen asleep), he was inconsolable. I stayed up until the wee hours retyping...


only to have the teacher give the kids another day to turn it in (then I cried). Like Stealth, I don't step in for stupidity.... I step in on things I need to.

 

[stealth2]

#2 goes to a magnet - only kid in our neighborhood to do so. Every class is run on an AP/college level. Last spring, we had a power failure that literally affected ONLY her. And while I may not step in, I am well aware of where each kid is wrt assignments. She had all of her research done, and a rough draft of her paper plus her sources. On this one, I most definitely contacted the teacher, the principal and the guidance counselor to ensure that she would not be penalized for something that was out of her control when she was well on track for completion of the assignment.

I have found that, when there is a *legitimate* reason, teachers are generally very reasonable. When mine were little and we shared 50/50 time, the teachers knew that the kids would not have work ready every other Monday - and allowed them to hand it in a day late. (I can tell you it was NOT fun being the parent who had to explain to them that, yes, I missed them, but they had work they had to make up so let's sit down and get it done.) As they got older and should not have needed an adult to remind them to do homework, etc? Teachers and I stopped allowing that perq.