really need some help...long

[samanthe]

I live in the state of TX. My husband of almost 4 years is military. We've been together almost 6 years. We have one child 1, an 18 month old. I've told him that I want a divorce mainly because we just can't seem to get along. I'm not happy and neither is he. I've requested marriage counseling many times in the past and he always refused so I went to a few sessions myself to work out some feelings and get my head together. We always end up argueing, he's not affectionate at all and I'm just not happy in any way, shape or form. He has cheated in the past although, of course, he won't admit to it. He has been verbally abusive and has almost hit me on several occassions. He did throw a beer bottle at me once-it missed thank God. There are a lot of reasons for divorcing him.
He was sent to Korea last Sept. and not long after he got there I told him that my final decision was to divorce. We had spoken about it before he left but I fully made up my mind after he left and told him. Since then I have been receiving a ton of hang up calls each week. I now have a call trace put on the line to find out exactly who has been calling as well as starting caller ID. He has also taken money out of our account without telling me. He still had a check card giving him access. I called the bank and told them that someone stole the cards and got issued a new one in my name only. Just a couple of days ago though, he called the bank's 800 number to get info on the account. When I asked why he had done that he said to make sure that his son was being taken care of. I called the bank and they said that the only option would be to close the acct if I didn't want him to access it since he has an allotment for me and the baby going there. I've decided that each month when the allotment comes in to just withdraw the money and put it into a new bank acct at another bank. One that he cannot touch.
I asked him for a legal separation and his only reply was that he's in Korea and I'm in TX. That that should be good enough. He has also spoken to some in his chain of command out here and told them that I was having an affair with another soldier out here. I am not having an affair and his higher ups won't beleive me. They have taken his side in everything and either thay have people watching the house or he has broken into my email. He knows way too much about what is going on to not have some way of getting info. He knew that this other soldier and I, and yes it's another guy, have seen each other at another mutual friends house. My husband nas always been insanely jealous of this guy and has now made it so that neither of us can see each other anywhere. If we do and especially if he(the other soldiergets caught the legal ramifications of it could be very, very bad. The other soldier could actually get court martialed for it. All because my husband is jealous of my friend. I want to move out of military housing but I just don't make enough to do it, yet. I work in a restaurant as a line cook and if they can't pay me more I'll have no choice but to look elsewhere. I love my job and would hate to leave it but...you do what you've got to do. I feel like my husband is harassing me. I mean yu don't go into someone else's acct to see what they have, you don't go into someone else's email (if he has done that and I'm pretty sure that he has-I have also changed my password since I suspected that), you don't have people watching the house. There's a lot of stuff you don't do and he just knows way too much about what is going on out here to not be doing some of those things. Legally what can I do? Since we are still married do I have no protection at all? Should I move off base as quickly as possible, even if it means living with some friends until I can afford to live on my own again? I know that I'm not just being paranoid. I have saved almost all of our emails to each other as well as all IM sessions and other chats. Since he's in Korea phone calls just don't happen-it's way too expensive. Also as a back up just in case something happens to my computer I have a friend in another state that saves all of this for me too. I just email it all to them every once in a while, just to be safe.
Thanks for any help or advice anyone can give. If you made to the end of this letter thank you. It feels good just to get it off of my chest.
You can also email replys to samanthe@aol.com

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

I live in the state of TX. My husband of almost 4 years is military. We've been together almost 6 years. We have one child 1, an 18 month old. I've told him that I want a divorce mainly because we just can't seem to get along. I'm not happy and neither is he. I've requested marriage counseling many times in the past and he always refused so I went to a few sessions myself to work out some feelings and get my head together. We always end up argueing, he's not affectionate at all and I'm just not happy in any way, shape or form. He has cheated in the past although, of course, he won't admit to it. He has been verbally abusive and has almost hit me on several occassions. He did throw a beer bottle at me once-it missed thank God. There are a lot of reasons for divorcing him.
He was sent to Korea last Sept. and not long after he got there I told him that my final decision was to divorce. We had spoken about it before he left but I fully made up my mind after he left and told him. Since then I have been receiving a ton of hang up calls each week. I now have a call trace put on the line to find out exactly who has been calling as well as starting caller ID. He has also taken money out of our account without telling me. He still had a check card giving him access. I called the bank and told them that someone stole the cards and got issued a new one in my name only. Just a couple of days ago though, he called the bank's 800 number to get info on the account. When I asked why he had done that he said to make sure that his son was being taken care of. I called the bank and they said that the only option would be to close the acct if I didn't want him to access it since he has an allotment for me and the baby going there. I've decided that each month when the allotment comes in to just withdraw the money and put it into a new bank acct at another bank. One that he cannot touch.
I asked him for a legal separation and his only reply was that he's in Korea and I'm in TX. That that should be good enough. He has also spoken to some in his chain of command out here and told them that I was having an affair with another soldier out here. I am not having an affair and his higher ups won't beleive me. They have taken his side in everything and either thay have people watching the house or he has broken into my email. He knows way too much about what is going on to not have some way of getting info. He knew that this other soldier and I, and yes it's another guy, have seen each other at another mutual friends house. My husband nas always been insanely jealous of this guy and has now made it so that neither of us can see each other anywhere. If we do and especially if he(the other soldiergets caught the legal ramifications of it could be very, very bad. The other soldier could actually get court martialed for it. All because my husband is jealous of my friend. I want to move out of military housing but I just don't make enough to do it, yet. I work in a restaurant as a line cook and if they can't pay me more I'll have no choice but to look elsewhere. I love my job and would hate to leave it but...you do what you've got to do. I feel like my husband is harassing me. I mean yu don't go into someone else's acct to see what they have, you don't go into someone else's email (if he has done that and I'm pretty sure that he has-I have also changed my password since I suspected that), you don't have people watching the house. There's a lot of stuff you don't do and he just knows way too much about what is going on out here to not be doing some of those things. Legally what can I do? Since we are still married do I have no protection at all? Should I move off base as quickly as possible, even if it means living with some friends until I can afford to live on my own again? I know that I'm not just being paranoid. I have saved almost all of our emails to each other as well as all IM sessions and other chats. Since he's in Korea phone calls just don't happen-it's way too expensive. Also as a back up just in case something happens to my computer I have a friend in another state that saves all of this for me too. I just email it all to them every once in a while, just to be safe.
Thanks for any help or advice anyone can give. If you made to the end of this letter thank you. It feels good just to get it off of my chest.
You can also email replys to samanthe@aol.com

My response:

Please help us to help you. It appears that your post is quite lengthy. Since we want to help you, it would be appreciated, and in your interest, if you could re-write your post to shorten its length.

Some suggestions would be to remove any extra words that do not go to the heart of your question and issues. Also, if you have any emotional or editorial type words or phrases, please remove those also. In other words, be your own worst critic, and stick to the facts.

Additionally, if you haven't already done so, please use paragraphs rather than running each sentence into the next. This, alone would make your post easier to read and understand.

Thank you for your kind cooperation, and I'm sure, after you've re-posted, someone will be with you shortly to assist you.

IAAL

P.S. If you haven't mentioned your State name, or the State where your problem has occurred, please tell us in your first sentence.

 

[Ukiah]

Well, I thnk you are smart in keeping the one account open and opening another account to put the money you receive into it. This way, if he decides to get vendictive, he can't take the one thing you need most.Money.

The trace on the line is good. Along with the caller ID, which will show you when someone has called while you are out. Check to see if your party is a one-party state or a two-party state. after you find this out, get a conversation recorder, ask him why he said you were having an affair, get the truth out of him, and send it to his superiors (keep a copy for yourself). If your state is one-party, you do not need to tell him you are recording him, if it is a two-party state, you do need to tell him. My opinion (stricktly advice-) I wouldn't tell him either way!

Get a new email account at yahoo, or hotmail or somewhere else, and use a fake identity to log into it, he won't be able to break into an email account that he can't find- Log in each and every time you log on and log out when you are finished. Only give it to people you can trust, that do not talk to him

I wouldn't talk to anybody- even a frinde of your who lives on the base, they could be telling their husband and that's how your husband is getting his info. just tell everyone you are fine, and no matter how much you want to say something, don't! Go home and write it on a piece of paper, then burn it or tear it into little peices and throw it away. Could your friend in the other state be talking to your ex? If anyone, I'd send my personal info, or things I'm saving to a family member.

As far as the rest of it, as long as you keep your child's best interest your main focus, you should have no problems. Don't fall into his little games. He's hurt by the fact that you are a stronger person now, and can't handle that you no longer want to be with him. It's a game.

In a sense, I know how you're feeling, my ex (though not military) stalked me, made harrasing phone calls, drove by my home, had friends drive by, even had a mutual friend giving him information. I made my records, had the tap, and got him prosecuted for harrassment, he's on probation and knows I will not play the game.

Good luck to you. You should consider getting a new email on another search engine, they're free, and use a fake name that he (ex) wouldn't think of to open the account, or use initials. Keep your current account, and let him check it all he wants, just don't keep your new email account info attached to the original email account. (follow me?)

 

[samanthe]

need help...abridged version

I live in the state of TX. My husband of almost 4 years is military. We've been together almost 6 years. We have one child , an 18 month old.
He was sent to Korea last Sept. and not long after he got there I told him that I wanted to divorce. We had spoken about it before he left but I fully made up my mind after he left and told him. Since then I have been receiving a ton of hang up calls each week. I now have a call trace put on the line to find out exactly who has been calling as well as starting caller ID. He has also taken money out of our account without telling me. He still had a check card giving him access. I called the bank and told them that someone stole the cards and got issued a new one in my name only. Just a couple of days ago though, he called the bank's 800 number to get info on the account. When I asked why he had done that he said to make sure that his son was being taken care of. I've decided that each month when the allotment comes in to just withdraw the money and put it into a new bank acct at another bank. One that he cannot touch.
I asked him for a legal separation and his only reply was that he's in Korea and I'm in TX. That that should be good enough. He has also spoken to some in his chain of command out here and told them that I was having an affair with another soldier out here. I am not having an affair and his higher ups won't believe me. They have taken his side in everything and either they have people watching the house or he has broken into my email. He knows way too much about what is going on to not have some way of getting info.
I feel like my husband is harassing me. I mean you don't go into someone else's acct to see what they have, you don't go into someone else's email (if he has done that and I'm pretty sure that he has-I have also changed my password since I suspected that), you don't have people watching the house. There's a lot of stuff you don't do and he just knows way too much about what is going on out here to not be doing some of those things. Legally what can I do? Since we are still married do I have no protection at all?
I know that I'm not just being paranoid. I have saved almost all of our emails to each other as well as all IM sessions and other chats. Since he's in Korea phone calls just don't happen-it's way too expensive.
Thanks for any help or advice anyone can give.

 

[samanthe]

Ukiah...thanks

Thanks for your quick response. I trust the friend in the other state as if he were family. He can't stand my husband and has never liked him so I know that he hasn't been talking. I only have 2 friends here on base that I do talk to now. I'm even changing sitters because she had the nerve to email my husband and over-exaggerate the behaviors of an 18 month old. Now he wants me to give custody of my son to a family member for a while 'just until I get on my feet'! Sorry, no way, that just isn't going to happen. As of tomorrow she will no longer be my sitter or my friend. You just don't do that.
My son is feeling a lot of the stress that I've been under not to mention the stress that he's having because of night terrors and separation anxiety. The last thing he needs is to be separated from Mommy and sent to live with people he doesn't even know. He's seen his grandparents once since he was born for about a week. They live in FL and I can't and won't move there. It's the same way with family on both sides-he doesn't really know them. They are ALL on the east coast and spread between 3 states.
I had a friend out here that I can trust tell me that I should change my password back and write some absurd email saying that I was pregnant or something to get his eye and his goat. If he were to talk to anyone about it I would definitely have proof that he has been breaking into my email. Anyhow, I haven't decided yet on that but...I may do it. Just to find out.
Thanks again for responding. Have a nice day.

 

[Ukiah]

Re: Ukiah...thanks

I had a friend out here that I can trust tell me that I should change my password back and write some absurd email saying that I was pregnant or something to get his eye and his goat. If he were to talk to anyone about it I would definitely have proof that he has been breaking into my email. Anyhow, I haven't decided yet on that but...I may do it. Just to find out.
Thanks again for responding. Have a nice day.

What you're talking about now is playing one-up-manship games. You don't want to stoop to his level do you? Though it may be fun to see what happens, it just isn't right. When people start playing the games they lose sight of what is important- THE CHILDREN. If your husband wants to play the game- let him, don't be his fool any longer by falling into the traps he's setting. You don't have to continuously defend yourself to him or anyone else he knows. You only need to concentrate on your son, your divorce and yourself. I could tell you my story, but I just don't have the time and energy to go back through all of that again. If you want to contribute to losing your son, then by all means be vendictive. When you play along, you may be blind sided by a court action that will take your son away from you. Be the bigger person, let your X know that you are willing to work with him on issues regarding your child together. don't give him any reason to try for custody. I don't condone (sp?) playing the games. Your best bet is possibly to move far away from the area, maybe with friends outside of the base, or to your relatives or that real good friend in the other state. Somehwere he can't use his influence, and military status.

 

[samanthe]

ok

Yeah, you have a point. Thanks for the reality check. We were talking online last night and we are each going to work from our respective ends in trying to get him out of Korea. When he comes back we'll be able to share in the childrearing and neither of us will feel like the other is trying to take the baby away. I will live apart from him of course, and the divorce will still be done; but at least he can see for himself what is going on out here and it will definitely make life easier in that regard. He'll have time with his son and I'll have someone to help with the responsibilities of him. This will also ease some of the stress on our son which will be better for everyone.
We are trying to find a way to work together but, it isn't easy.
At least we're trying though. For the first time we are actually communicating in an almost productive way!
Thanks again.