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receiving threats of death/violence

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iron_robe

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Arizona

Well, here is my situation. A few months ago, I met a woman at a concert and we became friends. At the time, she was separated from her husband and living in her own apartment. Since she lived 2 hours from myself, we mainly had phone conversations/email, although on a few occasions, she would drive to my place for lunch or to watch a movie. After several months, one day her husband entered her apartment, took her phone from her, and checked her phone records. He questioned her about who I was and then I started receiving phone messages from him, saying that if I didn't stop talking to his wife, he would find me and "settle this." She called me later and told me that he had done this to many of her male friends in the past out of jealousy. This was a case of bad timing too, I suppose, as she had recently decided to move out a few weeks before I met her and he was obviously upset about that. Apparently, she had discovered he was having an affair.

Over the holidays, she tried to contact me and sent me some text messages on Christmas and New Year's. Apparently, he was keeping tabs on her phone messages, as when I would send a reply (stuff like "Happy New Year to you too"), I would then receive more threats. A couple of times he sent me text messages as well, usually littered with profanity and insults.

To make matters worse, she decided she was developing an attraction to me, let me know via an email, and told her huband about her feelings. She emailed me saying she was feeling confused and conflicted, and needed some time to herself to decide how to proceed with her life. I emailed her back saying I thought that was the right thing to do, and also that the threats of violence were getting worse and that I was concerned about that. A few hours after sending that email, her husband again left me a voice message, but this time said 3 seperate times that he was going to kill me and come after my friends and family. He said that he would bring 7 of his friends with him and that he knew where I lived. And again stated that if I emailed or tried to talk to his wife about this, that I would "find out what it's like to meet God." I don't think she knew about this call, as she tried to call me the next day and left a message, wondering how I was and if I was avoiding her for some reason.

I have never met her husband, but am hesitant to call him back and try to talk to him as he was become increasingly hostile in his messages to me. I have all of his messages saved in my voicemail, and I figured he was trying to intimidate/scare me at first, as she has told me he has done this to others many times. But now that he has stated, point blank, that he will kill me and harm my family and friends, I am quite concerned that he might actually do it. I feel bad for ignoring her calls, as she is a genuinely nice person who thinks I am snubbing her. I want to at least let her know how bad the situation has become and the reason I have been avoiding her calls. But I don't want to aggravate an already stressful situation.

My question is this: Should I go to the police and at least make a report of this harassment and threats? What would the police actually do in this case?
Do I call her and let her know if I do make a report, or just keep ignoring the calls? I don't even know where her husband lives at this point, but I do have his cell phone number -- can the police get information from a cell phone provider if it is in relation to a alleged crime? I don't want to make things worse for her and wish we could continue our friendship, but at this point, I need to protect myself and my family. Any and all advice is appreciated ...
 


rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
Report it to the police along with all your evidence then apply for a restraining order. They can trace the messages, and his cel phone and find out his address.
Do not contact this woman in any way shape or form, bit keep a recors of all her messages as evidence. It sounds to me like you are either getting into the middle of a domestic violence situation and/or they are in this together. Let the police and the courts handle this.
 

s_berigan

Junior Member
Re:

Ok, if it is the case that you would like to take the relationship to the next level, that's if you think that she is the one, you must file a police report.

If the guy who is harassing you knows that his threats have been reported, he will surely back off. If he does not, then he is a phsyco, stay as far away as possible, or wait until he is behind bars.

You could file a restraining order, after all, you are in fear of your life, right?

It is 100% illegal to make threats.

If she is just another "fling", I would suggest staying away, she has baggage.

Does she have any kids by this guy? If not, that would make it easier. If she has kids by him, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
 
F

Fat Tony

Guest
Honestly, in this situation, I think even calling the police or filing charges/restraining order would just piss the guy off more. Why risk it? If you're genuinely scared of this guy, take the others advice and just break it off with the girl. Nevermind what your feelings are for her, if you think shes the one, or any of that other BS. If you think this guy is really gonna come after you, just break it off. Dont call him, all that will do is start a heated phone argument that will probably get nowhere. If youre not scared of the guy, screw him (well actually screw his wife), live your life, and just be ready for what could possibly happen. It seems that you are scared of him though, so again, just break it off and go find the next one.
 

tbanks

Junior Member
You may want to read the book "The Gift of Fear", which has some very good recommendations for dealing with stalking situations.
 

iron_robe

Junior Member
I appreciate everyone's input so far -- thanks for the viewpoints.

I'm not physically afraid of her husband, but he has been doing things like threatening to hurt my roommates too, and his last message said that he was going to bring quite a few friends with him. I just don't know if he is just scared that his wife is trying to leave him and merely trying to scare me away, or if he would seriously take it to the level that he has threatened. He doesn't, to my knowledge, know where I live as she has only been to my place twice, and since the threats started, she assured me she wouldn't let him know. However, he claims to know where my house is and what kind of car I drive (again, for all I know he's just making this up). But, I certainly don't want my roommates to get involved in this and possibly hurt. He even said he would go after my family...

As far as my relationship with her, I hardly know her well enough to say that we would eventually end up as a couple, and that was never really my intention. I hate the fact that he is basically bullying me out of even talking to her, but since they are not legally divorced yet, it's not really my business to get involved in their relationship. It would be different if he was an ex or just a boyfriend. That is why I haven't really taken any action yet, as I know throwing him in jail would make things harder for her.

Fat Tony -- I have considered the possibility that by going to the police, it might make him snap and do something stupid. Then again, maybe I should have gone to them already, just to protect myself. Are there costs to obtaining a restraining order? How are they usually served? And would he then know my address and such? Sorry to be ignorant re: this, but I've never been in a situation like this.

To answer your question s_berigan, neither of the 2 have kids.

I guess I have to decide if continuing this friendship is worth the risk of possibly having a violent encounter with her husband. She has left 2 messages since his last threats, wondering how I am doing and saying that I should just ignore him and that I can call her whenever I want. But I am just stepping back for the time being. Any other insights are of course appreciated.

p.s. Thanks for the book suggestion tbanks, think I'll check that one out in the meantime...
 

nanaII

Member
Being threatened

The advice I can offer is for you not to contact this woman until she is finally divorced. She must have invited her estranged husband into her apartment in order for him to get hold of her cell phone. You are right by laying low at this point.

As far as her husband threatening you, I would consider getting a restraining order against him. What he is doing is illegal. If there is a county attorney's office in your town, I would contact them. If not, contact your local police department and ask how you would get one. You will probably have to pay to have him served. (I had an ex-boyfriend who tried this same tactic. He managed to scare off a few of the guys I was dating, but, thank goodness, I had one that stuck in there. The ex-guy I dated eventually backed off.)
 

iron_robe

Junior Member
Well, a couple of weeks have gone by now. I have not called her and I have not received any phone calls from him either. I guess the best thing to do was resist the temptation to call her and let things settle down. I'm not sure how this will all end up, but I guess if we ever want to be more than friends, she needs to go through with her divorce, and that's something I don't want to be involved in AT ALL. If she decides that is what she needs to do, I don't want to be a factor in her decision. So while it was hard to just "let her go" even as a friend, if things were meant to work out, I can feel good that it worked out the right way. Who knows, maybe she will call me once this all gets worked out.

At this point, I think it would be rocking the boat to try to press charges on him. Do you think I should just let it be, or should I still at least make a report, in case he tries to harrass me again (supposing things for them go sour and he thinks it is my fault)?
 
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ibisgirldc

Junior Member
Jurisdiction

Where do you pursue a cyberstalking case? In the state where the stalking originates or where it is received. To spell it out, the guy who's threatening me online is in another state. Sometimes in two. Thanks.
 

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