Reintegration strategy

[LeemonGator]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? KS

I have recently been posting in the adoption thread, as I have a case pending for stepparent adoption.

Father showed up to contest and assert parental rights at prelim hearing yesterday, so obviously there is a good chance my petition will be denied.

My question for the board is, if I lose this case, and father asks for reintegration, what are some of the plans people have seen in situations similar to mine?

The basics are father has been established as legal father via paternity (DNA) and has paid 98 percent of child support. Child is 7.

There is not custody/visitation order.

Father has not seen child in the 7 years except for showing up to 1st birthday party. Father currently lives 8.5 hours away, in state. I don't feel like my child will be devastated by this change, but I do feel its a very big change in childs life.

Can anyone give me a vague idea of what a Judge might go with in this situation? I plan on requesting supervised visits, on a maximum level, but have no idea what would be seen by the courts as ridiculous in terms of how long father would be expected to drive the 8.5 hours for a short visit. Months? weeks?

 

[stealth2]

You may want to try searching for "graduated visitation", "visitation integration", "visitation after absence" and/or words to that effect.

Depending on the child's age (I'm not going to go back and look), it will start with supervised visitation of some duration for some period of time, then move on to unsupervised visitation of a similar duration but w/o overnights, then move on to overnights. And so on and so forth.

A lot will depend on how the child responds. I'd suggest also considering some therapeutic counseling for father/child (this could be part of supervised visitation) as they grow to know one another.

Best of luck.

 

[WittyUserName]

I can't cite this with any legal basis, but in my case we had a similar reintroduction scenario.

Started with supervised afternoon visits, with me there for the first two for Kiddo's comfort.
Progressed to a few more visits with Dad in our area leading up to overnights in our area.
Eventually Dad got extended visits in his town.

There's really no overarching standard for this; much of it will depend on how you handle the situation, as well as the adaptability of the child, too. But I will say that mine acclimated reasonably well. Also, a counselor might be extremely helpful in giving the child a neutral sounding board to help her/him to work through all this.

 

[LeemonGator]

I think my child can handle it much better than me.

I guess I am confused because I find a lot on long distance plans, and I find re integration plans, but I don't see much on long distance re integration (if 8.5 hrs is even considered long distance).

 

[stealth2]

8 1/2 IS long distance, and I would insist on early re-integration taking place in your community. But understand that kiddo will be going to visit Daddy 8 1/2 hours away in due time. And you will both survive it.

 

[xylene]

You and child, both together and separately should be talking to a psychiatrist or at least some kind of mental health professional to be proactive about this new stress.

 

[WittyUserName]

You and child, both together and separately should be talking to a psychiatrist or at least some kind of mental health professional to be proactive about this new stress.

I second this wholeheartedly. From experience.

 

[LeemonGator]

I second this wholeheartedly. From experience.

Probably a good idea.

One more question: I don't want the visitation at my home, even as a pick up location. Is that unreasonable?

Meaning I am going to request supervised visitation, but do not want that inside my home. I don't want to supervise it, I want the court to. In your experience is that unreasonable?

 

[Proserpina]

Probably a good idea.

One more question: I don't want the visitation at my home, even as a pick up location. Is that unreasonable?

Meaning I am going to request supervised visitation, but do not want that inside my home. I don't want to supervise it, I want the court to. In your experience is that unreasonable?

It's not so much unreasonable, but perhaps might end up being terrifically expensive.

Have you checked to see if there is a local visitation center close by?

 

[LeemonGator]

Yes there are visitation centers near my home. Haven't considered cost, I guess I was presuming dad would have to pay it since he had chosen to be absentee.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes there are visitation centers near my home. Haven't considered cost, I guess I was presuming dad would have to pay it since he had chosen to be absentee.

Don't bet on that - if you request supervision and you won't do it yourself, I can absolutely see a court ordering the cost be split between you.

That's certainly something to check into though.

 

[WittyUserName]

Probably a good idea.

One more question: I don't want the visitation at my home, even as a pick up location. Is that unreasonable?

Meaning I am going to request supervised visitation, but do not want that inside my home. I don't want to supervise it, I want the court to. In your experience is that unreasonable?

The only reason I was there the first couple of times is that I wanted kiddo to be as comfortable as possible, and to show her that I was committed to this process too. OTOH, I didn't want Dad to be uncomfortable by having me there so I backed out as soon as Dad didn't seem like a stranger anymore.

Look, I know you have issues with Dad. I get that. But be aware that "I'm never gonna ever speak to/talk to/be near geographically" is not going to help your child get used to Dad's new role. If your hackles are up everytime he's around, so to speak, your child will pick up on that. Kids are smart. And its unkind to the child to add to an already stressful situation by making her relationship with Dad all about Mom and her feelings.

FWIW, I find Kiddo's Dad to be extremely stressful. We have a long and contentious history. But during pick-up/drop-off I am polite and cordial. I even smile. But he's never been in my house, and all transitions pretty much happen in the driveway. We are not what I would call friends, but we are on best behavior around the child. And someone to talk to (for you, when the child is not present) can be invaluable. I encourage you to seek that out.

 

[milspecgirl]

First- get the child in with a good counselor- they can help determine when the child is ready for the next stage

I would suggest starting at 1-2 visits a month for 3-4 hours at a time. Look into visitation centers. They have lots of activities and things that parents and kids can do together to get to know each other. The child will go in and meet with the counselor to get comfortable with them before the meeting with the other parent.

The counselors in those places are trained to help determine if the child is ready to move to the next stage. They can keep in contact with the child's regular counselor and work together to determine when the child is ready.

I would say in 4-6 months (provided they have had at least maybe 30 hours together supervised) you move to unsupervised in child's area and maybe make them all day visits (8am-6pm or something). The counselor can help with knowing if the child is ready.

That will then go to the child going to dads area.

Couple of suggestions:
ask that dad not bring anyone else to visits (dad and child need time to bond alone) at least for awhile.
ask that dad not be allowed to give child gifts (personal preference. ours would bring ridiculous expensive gifts and try to buy the child)
ask that the child and counselor establish a "safe" word in case the child gets upset.

Set up a phone call/email/webcam/skype/etc schedule. This will really help. Help child correspond in letters to dad. Kids LOVE to get mail. Hopefully dad will write, send pics, etc.

Most importantly- be up best and optimistic. The child is going to take a lot of keys from you on how to act and if this is good or not. They may feel torn between you. another reason counseling is so good.

 

[LeemonGator]

First- get the child in with a good counselor- they can help determine when the child is ready for the next stage

I would suggest starting at 1-2 visits a month for 3-4 hours at a time. Look into visitation centers. They have lots of activities and things that parents and kids can do together to get to know each other. The child will go in and meet with the counselor to get comfortable with them before the meeting with the other parent.

The counselors in those places are trained to help determine if the child is ready to move to the next stage. They can keep in contact with the child's regular counselor and work together to determine when the child is ready.

I would say in 4-6 months (provided they have had at least maybe 30 hours together supervised) you move to unsupervised in child's area and maybe make them all day visits (8am-6pm or something). The counselor can help with knowing if the child is ready.

That will then go to the child going to dads area.

Couple of suggestions:
ask that dad not bring anyone else to visits (dad and child need time to bond alone) at least for awhile.
ask that dad not be allowed to give child gifts (personal preference. ours would bring ridiculous expensive gifts and try to buy the child)
ask that the child and counselor establish a "safe" word in case the child gets upset.

Set up a phone call/email/webcam/skype/etc schedule. This will really help. Help child correspond in letters to dad. Kids LOVE to get mail. Hopefully dad will write, send pics, etc.

Most importantly- be up best and optimistic. The child is going to take a lot of keys from you on how to act and if this is good or not. They may feel torn between you. another reason counseling is so good.

I'm glad you mentioned asking that only dad be there. My situation is one where the paternal grandfather is the engine driving the son. The son doesn't care as much and lied to the GAL already in our adoption proceeding.

So naturally I predict that if my petition is denied, paternal grandfather (who does know the child) will ask son to file for visitation and then try to use his time.

I'm of the understanding that it needs to be the other way around. Grandfather sees child on dads time.

 

[milspecgirl]

sounds like you are in a very similar situation to what I was in. In our case, the gp filed gp visitation and would have gotten it if they hadn't screwed up with their temp visitation plan. but, they had been exercising mom's visitation for 6 years and had an established reputation