Remarrying and moving with a child

[stealth2]

Hey all, thanks for the info, I'm just trying to get some of my questions answered. I understand what you all are saying to me and I understand that this is her child and she is the one who must handle this. I do know that I will have to go into that courtroom because the judge is going to want to see me and probably ask me questions.

Don't take this personally, but I think you place too great of an importance (from a judge's perspective) on your thoughts/opinions. You're not a party to the matter, and unless you're called as a witness by either side, the judge isn't going to care less what you have to say. Even then, your opinions may not carry a great deal of weight.

I will also be in there to support my fiancee. She is doing this, and I am in a support role only.

Some courts will allow you to be present, some will make you sit in the hallway. Just as an FYI.

And I have thought a great deal about the child's relationship with his father and that does concern me. And you're right, I am in love, and so is she, and we are going to get married. I'm trying to look at this from the judge's point of view. Does it matter if we are or are not married in that courtroom? Thanks again.

Frankly, I suspect that your marriage (or lack of it) will be of less interest to the judge than the (a) relatively short duration of your relationship and (b) the swiftness with which Mom is planning on remarrying, moving, etc. Also, as karma pointed out, unless moving is addressed in the original orders, the judge may be less than pleased to see Mom back in front of him so soon asking to move away from Dad.

 

[JasonJ]

Thanks for the insight. Something interesting was brought up. If their seperation agreement is incorperated into the divorce decree, will that give it more legal weight? Do you think it would be wise for her to try to win custody as a part of the divorce, with no mention of me? And about what the judge will deem important, don't you think that having the child with it's mother on a full time basis, without daycare, and in a stable home would be better than a situation in which the child goes back and forth from mom to dad, spending nearly random intervals of days and nights with each? As it stands now, the child spends nights that mom works with dad and days that dad works with mom. The weekends are split up and being that she does not have a set schedule every week, the child spends different nights of the week, every week, with dad. Is it not in the best interests of the child to have some form of stability? Also, at some point in the future, when both of his parents are remarried, something will have to change. Their lives will eventually take them in different directions and the child will have to go one way or the other in due time. Is it not better for that to happen when he is still young, before he creates memories. If this situation can be resolved in some way before he does that, he will never remember anything other than the stable situation that he has been in. Is that not in the best interest of the child? Thanks

 

[Meursault]

Is it not in the best interests of the child to have some form of stability?

Now THAT I agree with. So mom should relinquish custody to dad... Problem solved!

 

[Skylyn]

I hope you knock her up and she then heads off for greener pastures (she's done it before...). You won't mind, it's all for the good of the kid, right?

 

[MBMom]

And about what the judge will deem important, don't you think that having the child with it's mother on a full time basis, without daycare, and in a stable home would be better than a situation in which the child goes back and forth from mom to dad, spending nearly random intervals of days and nights with each?

Um, you said before that you also felt "concern" for the dad when it came to time spent with the child, yet your statement right there proves you don't give a rats a** about the dad. Don't you think it's a little more important for the child to spend time with dad rather than not? Sharing the child with the OTHER PARENT is the price the parents will have to pay...they had this baby together. Maybe they should've thought about this beforehand. I, too, am going through a custody battle right now, but would never think of taking my son away from his dad because it's "stable". How is no relationship with dad considered stable?

Their lives will eventually take them in different directions and the child will have to go one way or the other in due time. Is it not better for that to happen when he is still young, before he creates memories.

How sad that you even think that way. God forbid you have kids of your own and the same happen to you.

 

[nextwife]

It is in the best interests of the child to spend as much time with BOTH their parents as possible. It is in the best interests of the child to have dad be more than an occassional visitor in their life. Their relationship with their parents is MORE important than your assertion that day care is so evil that removing Dad from the child's life more than makes up for the possibility of kiddo spending some time there.

And you never know, the judge may have her or his own kid in day care and not think it's necessarilly a bad thing, so don't make that the crux of your argument about why the move AWAY from Dad is BENEFICIAL to the child.

 

[JasonJ]

It is plainly obvious that most of you favor the father in this situation. He will still be a part of the childs life, but what would you say if he was planning the same thing. Eventually, one parent or the other will, you seem to think that both parents must live in close proximity to each other for the rest of their lives. That is simply unrealistic. Most of you seem to think that she is taking the child away from its father. That is simply not true. She will bend over backwards to make sure that they still have a relationship. And as the child becomes older, he will have more and nore of a say in the situation. Now about daycare. I do not care what any of you say, daycare cannot compare to time with a parent. Putting a child in daycare for 40 hours a week is asking someone else to play a major role in raising your child. There are times when it is necessary, but relying on it too much is akin to shedding some of your responsibility of raising your child. If it is not necessary then there is no reson for it. Daycare allows a parent to do what he/she wants, not a way to look out for the child. In choosing between time with the mother always or time with the father sometimes and day care a whole lot, the former is much more stable and productive for the child's upbringing. Also, being exposed to a healthy, loving relationship is also beneficial to the child. You know nothing of our relationship and to speak of it in any way is irresponsible of those who have to say the least. No more one or two line shots at us, let's hear something with substance. That is cowardly, only a couple of you have done it. Now, back to my original question, once the seperation agreement is a part of the divorce decree, how much more weight does that give it?

 

[stealth2]

If it were the father wanting to move the child away from Mom, the responses would be exactly the same. And if you'd taken some time to search the boards for information on relocation as asked of you right up at the top of the page, you'd know that. Once two people decide to have children, their choices become limited and yes - the best thing for the CHILD is to have two parents who are either together or living in close proximity with one another. If that means they need to limit their pool of available "friends", then that's really what they should be doing. If they choose not to do so, then they need to be willing to accept the consequences - which can include relinquishment of custody. Mom obviously thought Dad was a fit enough parent to share custody with him. That's going to be a tough thing to argue against now. Especially in order to take the child into what is yet ANOTHER unstable situation - a young relationship conducted at a distance on the heels of the divorce. You may think this is a forever thing, and it may well be. But a judge is going to be well aware of how often these relationships/marriages do NOT last and may well be loathe to send the child off, away from his father into what may well be a temporary situation.

I'm not going to go into the daycare arguments with you, but I would urge your girlfriend (sorry, but in my books a married woman cannot be engaged to another) to think carefully about how she raises that issue to the judge. Because it may not sit well.

 

[JasonJ]

The reason that they have joint custody is because she works nights and would not have been able to get primary custody in that situation. As I see it, she will have to prove to the judge, with the help of her lawyer, that moving with me will benefit the child, and his stability will improve, as he is now, he is in a state of constant change, and is unable to make sense of it. We will only be three hours away, a move to another state would be another issue. Do you think it would be wise to try to take care of that issue now as well, as it will come up eventually. As for the child care, that is what it is, and the judge will already have his opinions of that. Thanks

 

[MBMom]

It is plainly obvious that most of you favor the father in this situation.

First of all, it's not that I'm in favor of the father. I'm in favor of a child continuing to keep a close relationship with both parents. I know you mentioned something about having the child 2 or 3 weekends a month and a couple weeks in the summer, but it's your other comments that bother me. You say "before he creates memories" as if you're wanting to to remove the dad from his memory. Maybe that's not what you meant, but you shouldn't be trying to prevent any memories of this child with it's dad period. As for my situation, I am in almost your exact position and I am the mom that moved out of state. I DO know what you're going through. My son is five and has gone back and forth since he was 1. I personally don't believe the schedule we had him on (4 days with me, 3 days with dad) was good for him and wanted it to change before he started school. I talked about this with my son's dad on three seperate occasions....explaining why and how I thought it would be beneficial for our son to change the schedule. He chose to ignore it simply because he didn't want to give up ANY time with our son, even if it meant he could spend longer periods of time with him. He wanted him each week for his 3 days. My husband and I moved back to CA where I grew up looking for better career opportunities and a better quality of life for the boys (my husband and I have a 21 month old). My ex said I could take my son after we had agreed on a joint custody plan and visitation schedule (never signed by a Judge), but slapped me with a petition to stop me from taking him just after we made the move and were getting ready to take the boys.

So I DO know what you're going through and agree with some of what you say regarding stability and other things. I was willing to work almost anything out with my ex...I've NEVER wanted to take custody away from him, only joint and a modification of our visitation schedule. But he sent me on my way to CA allowing me to think I could take my son, and now I may possibly lose custody of my son because we're here and the Judge looks down on me for that.

The ONLY problem I have with what you've posted is that fact that you take this relationship with dad so lightly. It DOESN'T sound like you care whether or not this child keeps that, only that you want to move and the visitation with dad interferes with that. Stealth is right...once you chose to have kids and split up, your choices DO become limited. I've learned that first hand.

Good luck!

 

[stephenk]

"With us, he will have no day care, his mom will not work, or work part time so he will be with her even more than he is with both of them combined now."

Unless you are an officer, I believe military pay is slightly above minimum wage. How are you going to support her and the child on your salary without mom working full-time or going on welfare? Is she expecting her hubby to pay child support and/or alimony?

 

[JasonJ]

Actually, I am an officer, I fly for the Marines. She will not be receiving child support, she has declined that on her own because she doesn't want to take what she doesn't think is hers. I've been told that the judge may view that as willingness to compromise. I understand that the child's relationship with the father is important, and my fiancee is doing all that she can to keep it intact, but he will not give up anything, anything at all. Sowhat are we to do. We're getting married and she has to fight for her son, she just has to, I have no say in that and want her to do what she thinks is right, and what she needs to do for herself too. How do we go about this then?