School responsbility in divorce situation

[frylover]

What is the name of your state? LA

After reading some posts about what "rights" step parents have in regards to their stepchildren, I started to wonder about something.

I am a teacher and of course, we deal with children of divorce all the time, but there is one thing we don't seem to have a "policy" for. From a strictly legal standpoint, are teachers prohibited from meeting with step parents? Honestly, in all my years of teaching it has only come up once, two years ago. I had a child whose parents had joint legal and physical custody of her. At conference time I gave mom and dad each a separate time, as per dad's orders. But it ended up being step mom I actually spoke to.


Would this come down to whether or not it was OK with the natural parent?

 

[Boxcarbill]

What is the name of your state? LA

After reading some posts about what "rights" step parents have in regards to their stepchildren, I started to wonder about something.

I am a teacher and of course, we deal with children of divorce all the time, but there is one thing we don't seem to have a "policy" for. From a strictly legal standpoint, are teachers prohibited from meeting with step parents? Honestly, in all my years of teaching it has only come up once, two years ago. I had a child whose parents had joint legal and physical custody of her. At conference time I gave mom and dad each a separate time, as per dad's orders. But it ended up being step mom I actually spoke to.


Would this come down to whether or not it was OK with the natural parent?

A person can authorize another person as their agent. That agent can be a spouse. It doesn't change because the person is divorced, the person still has a right to designate another person as their agent and that may very well be the new spouse.

 

[imxoz]

I myself have worried about this same what appears to be a loosey goosey way of operation. I am a psychologist in the publis school system. I have only worked there for going on 3 years and came from a community mental health setting. I am soo soo careful. I often worry about how the schools handle things and the best advise to give them. Any suggestions would be helpful, dont mean to highjack.

 

[karma1]

Well, I went through this at conference time and let me tell you....

this sent the principal in a "tizzy". Situation was one where dad was CP and step mom handled almost all interactions regarding school since he worked 12 hour days. I went to the principal, she went to district and after about 2 weeks, I was told to only deal with dad-all notes/communications had to be with him and only him.
I suppose it's a matter of what the district decides is their policy? Id ask your district just to cya~

 

[tigger22472]

I am a stepmom that does a lot with my sd's schooling. The difference that we have that a lot of people don't is we have a GREAT relationship with BM. The teachers always know and the school is SUPPOSED to know but tend to "forget" from time to time. Once they know us they know that anything they tell me goes straight to BM. If I've picked sd up from school and she had a problem that day (she's only going in 2nd grade) and it was significant or I know my husband isn't going to be home to discuss the issue we take a ride to BM's house so she can sit down with her and have a talk. Another situation that makes my husbands case kind of unique is there is not a CP or a NCP. They share COMPLETE custody. SD spends two weeks in our home and two weeks in BM's home. Due to all the questions with step parents, divorce and what not we've had only a few problems and BM usually straightens those out. If Dad can't attend something BM knows I will. She and I sat next to each other at KG orientation 2 years ago. If BM had problems with this I'm not sure how we would handle it. We are in a position now though that I think if she did have a problem she would simply have to deal with it. My husband has been disabled and can't always get around. BM and I have a relationship where she knows her daughter is taken care of here and I will do anything for her and Bm knows things get done.

I would suggest sitting down with Bio-parents separatly and simply asking them what the relationship is like and do they approve. Doing it this way gets you out of being put in the middle. Legally we step-parents are technically supposed to be given info but every situation is different.

 

[Whyte Noise]

I know in my case, with dad being the CP, his g/f-wife dealt with anything concerning the school. He's never once spoken to a teacher there. Only thing he ever did was be the one to register them. And the teachers have only ever spoken to his wife 3 or 4 times anyways over the course of the past 3 years.

Yet, when I called there and spoke to the school counselor, she had to verify that I was "indeed" my children's mother. She's the one that asked if I was their "real" mother. Then, put me on hold to check their files to see if I was in there. That's when I found out that I was on NONE of the paperwork in their records as being their mother. Luckily, I'd sent the school copies of our divorce decree last year stating that we have joint legal custody, or else she probably wouldn't have even talked to me!

Perturbed?? That's putting it mildly....

 

[frylover]

Thanks everyone!

Boxcarbill, in order to authorize someone as his agent would dad have to submit any kind of legal paperwork to the school? Or can we assume when she shows up, that's dad's authorization?

Lovingwife, that's about the situation here. Dad has a job that he can't leave easily, step mom is stay at home home--she was pretty much who I communicated with. In this case the bio mom was accepting of it--trying to keep things civil for the little girl.

Tigger, I wish every child of divorce could end up in a situation like yours, where all the adults behave like adults! Best thing I ever heard a set of divorced parents tell a teacher was "we divorce each other, we didn't divorce her".

 

[tigger22472]

frylover, I agree with you on our situation. I think mainly the reason it works is everyone involved.. (myself, BM and step-dad) except my husband already have an "evil" ex that we have to deal with and this is involving CP's and NCP's(step-dad is NCP) and the LAST thing we want are arguments. BM and StepDad both have jobs that keep them on call and on the road from time to time so someone has to step in sometimes. I even have authority to be called and pick up BM's other son and I'm his babysitter. In fact BM is emergency number on MY kids' school records for she lives in town and closer then we do if we aren't home. I'm not saying it's always perfect and when we have situations we deal... but none of us want to have yet another hostile person in their lives. If we ground sd... she's grounded at mom's too if the grounding extends to then... and vise versa. We have different ideas of punishment sometimes. We spank... Not all the time but do time to time. BM doesn't but she accepts that's our way. When I met my husband though I have to admit they both would go at it with each other over stupid stuff. I think the presence of myself and step-dad has changed things. At first I thought the 2week/2week thing was awful for the child but now that we all live close since sd is in school it works out great and we don't really even go by that whole visitation thing. If mom wants her and she's here... ok.. if we want her and she's there.. ok... The 4th was husbands holiday... BM's mom asked if she could have her.. we said sure. It works out SOOOOOOOOOOo much better when everyone can get along.

 

[slshiv]

I am a step mom who's DD lives with hubby and I for past three years. I handle all issues through the school for StepDD- Dad is involved when possible and does call school if needed but in regard to most issues such as, enrollment, registration for classes, etc, I am the one they call. THey call me when DD is ill and needs picked up. Bio-mom lives out of state and dad is on the road all day and not always very easy to catch. I know most of her teachers quite well and sign most of her forms needing parental signature. I speak to her guidance counselors and have heard nothing but appreciation from her teachers. It would make out lives very difficult if the schools stopped talking to me about her school issues.

 

[ohfiddle]

To Tigger

Tigger,

I'm relatively new here, and don't post too much. But I just saw your story in this thread and wanted to also say how good it is to hear about divorced parents who can get along with each other and with the new spouses, and work toward keeping harmony while both being involved in their children's lives.

I have full custody of my son and have since day one. But his father is involved, and he knows he can see him at any time. He chooses to see him on average once a week, but if he's available, he will also take him when I have an errand to run or meeting to attend. To have the situation be amicable and non-adversarial is something I am really thankful for, and I would wish the same for any parents who are no longer together, but want to both be involved in their children's lives.

 

[tigger22472]

It really is wonderful.. Just last night I called BM up and asked if I could "steal" her for a few... we were all going for ice cream. I wish everyone could be that way but that will NEVER happen. Usually you have someone looking for revenge. We have all learned that fighting doesn't get you anywhere and if we have issues we discuss them. Last summer we had one that I was afraid would start something. We lived across the street from the ball park that SD's half brother played at so BM was there alot. She allowed sd to run around the park barefooted and we don't. She allowed stepdaughter to ride bike in sandles and we don't but had a fit when she wore her tennis shoes without socks... something that doesn't bother us. I had no say since BD wasn't there so I kept my mouth shut and husband and I decided to wait it out. Our thought was our rules apply at our house and hers apply there. At 7 sd has already learned how to play the situation sometimes.

 

[Grace_Adler]

BLCM,

I was just wondering if the schools where they are ask for copies of the Birth Certificate when they are enrolled.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Yes.

Their BC's and shot records were in there. I wasn't listed anywhere as their mother, nor was any contact info for me listed at all. The "mother" part was left blank. I asked the counselor about this stuff when I was on the phone with her. That's how I found out everything. Of course, she shouldn't have to go searching for a BC to make sure I'm their "real" mother, nor did I expect her too. But if it weren't for the fact that I'd sent in my divorce decree copies where it gives us joint legal, she wouldn't have even spoken to me. Just because I'm on a BC doesnt mean I'm allowed access to any info. I could have been one of those with terminated parental rights or something, or someone just saying I'm so and so's mother, etc. The next question out of her mouth after asking me if I were their real mother was, "Do we have permission to talk to you?" thats's when I told her about the decree in their records.

 

[tigger22472]

I could probably get in trouble. The last two years on my kids' school records I have put my husband down as the father. They have BC that list BF but have never questioned me even before husband and I were married and had different last names. Immediately after the divorce he was listed as the father. I don't have any info on BD and besides he lives too far away to come get them if there was a problem. I wanted husband to be able to talk to them about things. OH well..(and btw.. I dont' always suggest this.... every situation is different). I have sole legal and physical custody... not sure that makes a difference.

 

[Whyte Noise]

I dunno if it makes a "legal" difference or not. I have seen it in parenting plans though where this issue was specifically addressed. (Such as my SO's) And my SO's ex has sole legal and physical custody too. But the only name to be put in a "father" slot, IS the father.

I didn't mind the stepmother being the one they contacted. After all, she's the one that was there with them, and I was 1000 miles away. Like your ex, I couldn't possibly do anything if a true emergency arose.

The thing that pissed me off and hurt me the most was the fact that I wasn't on there anywhere. Like I didn't even exist. Like they had no mother.

When my children are registered here for school next month, their father will be put on there as their father. Not my SO. He's not their father. His (ex's) contact info will be put on there as well. However, in an emergency situation it would be my SO's name that I put down for them to get a hold of if they can't get me. He's the one 2 blocks away, not their father.

Just because he was an ass and didn't put me on there doesn't mean I have to be one.