Should I File for Child Support?

[ConfusedMom2009]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I had a beautiful baby girl in December. Her father and I had a brief romance that ended abruptly when he made the decision to go back to his WIFE. I had been told that he was divorced. Well, our relationship ended and we went our seperate ways and I found out a week later I was pregnant. I never told him, but when I was about 6 months along he had apparently found out (small town) and approached me about it. I told him the truth and he told me he was going to be there and do the right thing and all that garbage (he was seperated from his wife yet again). We had communication up to the day before I was scheduled to deliver. I told him when and where we would be. He never came by or called the hospital or anything. I delivered on a Friday and the following Monday he had his daughter call and ask if they could come over. I asked to speak to her father and I told them they could come over, but it was only because I was not going to keep the daughter from her half sister, not because I think you deserve to see her. I got a good swearing out and that was the last I have heard of him. His daughter will sneak and call me every now and then, and I keep in contact with his aunt. But I have not so much as spoken to him in over three months.

The dilemma I have is everyone tells me that I should seek child support payments. That even if I dont need the money, I should get it and start a college fund or whatever for her. I would love to be able to do that and have that sort of financial security for her, BUT I do not want to have to allow him any custody or visitation rights. I have discovered many undesirable things about him since I first met him. He had a past peppered with domestic violence incidents, and this pattern has continued up and through the most recent event being in 2008. He is also a smoker, and a pot smoker and I do not want my child around that. I also know how difficult it is to prove that a parent is "unfit" of deserving any visitation etc.

From his past behavior and simply knowing him I believe that if I just stay out of sight and out of mind he will stay away from us. He did not come to the hospital so his name is not listed on the birth certificate, and do not think he would spend the time or money to request a paternity test or to file for any sort of legal custody etc.

How does the law work on this? If I file for child support, does that automatically qualify him for some kind of custody or visitation rights?

 

[Isis1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I had a beautiful baby girl in December. Her father and I had a brief romance that ended abruptly when he made the decision to go back to his WIFE. I had been told that he was divorced. Well, our relationship ended and we went our seperate ways and I found out a week later I was pregnant. I never told him, but when I was about 6 months along he had apparently found out (small town) and approached me about it. I told him the truth and he told me he was going to be there and do the right thing and all that garbage (he was seperated from his wife yet again). We had communication up to the day before I was scheduled to deliver. I told him when and where we would be. He never came by or called the hospital or anything. I delivered on a Friday and the following Monday he had his daughter call and ask if they could come over. I asked to speak to her father and I told them they could come over, but it was only because I was not going to keep the daughter from her half sister, not because I think you deserve to see her. I got a good swearing out and that was the last I have heard of him. His daughter will sneak and call me every now and then, and I keep in contact with his aunt. But I have not so much as spoken to him in over three months.

The dilemma I have is everyone tells me that I should seek child support payments. That even if I dont need the money, I should get it and start a college fund or whatever for her. I would love to be able to do that and have that sort of financial security for her, BUT I do not want to have to allow him any custody or visitation rights. I have discovered many undesirable things about him since I first met him. He had a past peppered with domestic violence incidents, and this pattern has continued up and through the most recent event being in 2008. He is also a smoker, and a pot smoker and I do not want my child around that. I also know how difficult it is to prove that a parent is "unfit" of deserving any visitation etc.

From his past behavior and simply knowing him I believe that if I just stay out of sight and out of mind he will stay away from us. He did not come to the hospital so his name is not listed on the birth certificate, and do not think he would spend the time or money to request a paternity test or to file for any sort of legal custody etc.

How does the law work on this? If I file for child support, does that automatically qualify him for some kind of custody or visitation rights?

him knowing he has a child automatically allows him to file to establish paternity/visitation/support/custody. whether he does so or not is a different story.


you can file for support. doing so will establish paternity.


visitation/custody are separate issues. he can file even if you never file for support.

nothing you have stated, is considered an unfit parent. he will be given some visitation/custody if he files for it.

 

[CJane]

Nothing is automatic in this world.

HOWEVER, if you file for child support, paternity will need to be legally established.

Being the legal father of the child will give him STANDING (which means the right) to file for visitation/joint custody/a name change for the child/etc.

Whether or not he actually does those things is up to him.

If he DOES file, he WILL get some sort of visitation. Yes, it sucks that you find out NOW that the guy you CHOSE to father your child is a low-life hood-rat. But the court doesn't so much care what you think of him NOW.

Also? Stop talking to his CHILD.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I had a beautiful baby girl in December. Her father and I had a brief romance that ended abruptly when he made the decision to go back to his WIFE.

Okay. He is allowed to leave you to go back to his wife.

I had been told that he was divorced. Well, our relationship ended and we went our seperate ways and I found out a week later I was pregnant. I never told him, but when I was about 6 months along he had apparently found out (small town) and approached me about it. I told him the truth and he told me he was going to be there and do the right thing and all that garbage (he was seperated from his wife yet again).

Garbage? Ummm, okay.

We had communication up to the day before I was scheduled to deliver. I told him when and where we would be. He never came by or called the hospital or anything. I delivered on a Friday and the following Monday he had his daughter call and ask if they could come over. I asked to speak to her father and I told them they could come over, but it was only because I was not going to keep the daughter from her half sister, not because I think you deserve to see her. I got a good swearing out and that was the last I have heard of him. His daughter will sneak and call me every now and then, and I keep in contact with his aunt. But I have not so much as spoken to him in over three months.

Okay.

The dilemma I have is everyone tells me that I should seek child support payments. That even if I dont need the money, I should get it and start a college fund or whatever for her. I would love to be able to do that and have that sort of financial security for her, BUT I do not want to have to allow him any custody or visitation rights.

His wallet is okay but he isn't. Well he has every right to pursue custody and visitation regardless of child support.

I have discovered many undesirable things about him since I first met him. He had a past peppered with domestic violence incidents, and this pattern has continued up and through the most recent event being in 2008.

Yet you still had a baby with him. You still let him impregnate you.

He is also a smoker, and a pot smoker and I do not want my child around that.

Oh well. You slept with him.once paternity is established the child is HIS child as well.

I also know how difficult it is to prove that a parent is "unfit" of deserving any visitation etc.

Not going to happen.

From his past behavior and simply knowing him I believe that if I just stay out of sight and out of mind he will stay away from us. He did not come to the hospital so his name is not listed on the birth certificate, and do not think he would spend the time or money to request a paternity test or to file for any sort of legal custody etc.

Okay.

How does the law work on this? If I file for child support, does that automatically qualify him for some kind of custody or visitation rights?

He can file to establish paternity at any time. He can file for visitation/custody at any time. If you apply for ANY state aid, they will pursue paternity.

 

[ConfusedMom2009]

Yeah, that's pretty much everything I thought. Was just sort of hoping I had missed something.

And yes, I am fully aware that he had every right to go back to his wife, and had I known on the front end this would never had occured. (Not looking for any sort of sympathy. I am a big girl and should have taken the time BEFORE I did something that would affect another human being for forever. I know this. However, it's a day late and a dollar short for that. So at this point I am just trying to figure out what is the best thing to do for her NOW, and how to accomplish it.)

When I said "and all that garbage," I was referring to it as such because they were all just empty words.

As for talking to his daughter, should I really discontinue? She is 16 and she and I had developed a very congenial relationship. (This is not his wife's child by the way. Yes, I know, probably should have been a red flag.) I have continued this because I did not want to "punish" her for her father and I not being able to get along.

 

[Isis1]

Yeah, that's pretty much everything I thought. Was just sort of hoping I had missed something.

And yes, I am fully aware that he had every right to go back to his wife, and had I known on the front end this would never had occured. (Not looking for any sort of sympathy. I am a big girl and should have taken the time BEFORE I did something that would affect another human being for forever. I know this. However, it's a day late and a dollar short for that. So at this point I am just trying to figure out what is the best thing to do for her NOW, and how to accomplish it.)

When I said "and all that garbage," I was referring to it as such because they were all just empty words.

As for talking to his daughter, should I really discontinue? She is 16 and she and I had developed a very congenial relationship. (This is not his wife's child by the way. Yes, I know, probably should have been a red flag.) I have continued this because I did not want to "punish" her for her father and I not being able to get along.

is the child's mother or father not happy with you speaking to her? speaking to her when either of her parents disapprove puts you in hot water. she is a minor. she must obey her parents wishes. as harsh as that may sound, a restraining order can be pursued.

be friends with her when she is 18.

 

[CJane]

If the 16 year old is 'sneaking' to call you, then YOU need to be the grown-up and tell her to stop LYING to her PARENTS. You're not helping ANYTHING.

If she wants to have a relationship with her alleged sister when she's GROWN, that's great. And honestly? It's not like Kiddo is going to know whether or not her 'sister' hung out with her when she was an INFANT.

 

[100% Mommy]

Yeah, that's pretty much everything I thought. Was just sort of hoping I had missed something.

And yes, I am fully aware that he had every right to go back to his wife, and had I known on the front end this would never had occured. (Not looking for any sort of sympathy. I am a big girl and should have taken the time BEFORE I did something that would affect another human being for forever. I know this. However, it's a day late and a dollar short for that. So at this point I am just trying to figure out what is the best thing to do for her NOW, and how to accomplish it.)

I can honestly say that I know where you are comming from. I have also recently had a child with a married man whom wanted nothing to do with his wife until I was pregnant and they had insisted they were divorcing until I found it to be untrue. Then you are looked down upon. I know how that feels. I also live in a small town. This is a hard situation. But I send the father of my child pictures of her from my phone everyday call and let him know how she is update him on any doctor appointments.



Truth is (that I have learned from this site) the father will be there forever no matter how you feel about it and it is best to let the daughter and father establish a relationship. Also him being married and going back to his wife she is now step mother and that will only change if they divorce.



It is hard and I am learning this too but you also have to accept step mother on some degree. Some here will say a step mother is a stranger and some here will say a step mother is also a parent.

In any case I know what you are going through

 

[Ohiogal]

LEGALLY A STEP MOTHER IS A STRANGER. She is NOT a parent legally.

 

[Silverplum]

Blah blah BLAH.

This is NOT an emotional support site. We are NOT here to make each other happy. We are NOT here to make people feel ~understood.~

If you have nothing legal to impart -- and clearly you do not -- move along. PM each other all you wish. Exchange emails. Become best friends.

I can honestly say that I know where you are comming from. I have also recently had a child with a married man whom wanted nothing to do with his wife until I was pregnant and they had insisted they were divorcing until I found it to be untrue. Then you are looked down upon. I know how that feels. I also live in a small town. This is a hard situation. But I send the father of my child pictures of her from my phone everyday call and let him know how she is update him on any doctor appointments.

Truth is (that I have learned from this site) the father will be there forever no matter how you feel about it and it is best to let the daughter and father establish a relationship. Also him being married and going back to his wife she is now step mother and that will only change if they divorce.



It is hard and I am learning this too but you also have to accept step mother on some degree. Some here will say a step mother is a stranger and some here will say a step mother is also a parent.

In any case I know what you are going through

 

[ConfusedMom2009]

OK. Wow. That had never really registered with me. I had failed to look at it in that light. I know how angry I would be if it were my child speaking to someone I disapproved of, especially an adult. Her biological mother passed away several years ago. It's not so much that she sneaks because he normally would not allow her to call me as it is that he stands beside and listens to every word she says. (NOT saying that I disagree with that practice at ALL! I think more parents should be WAY more mindful of the conversations their children have. Whether it be on the phone, email, text, chat whatever.) In all honesty I had looked at it is as that I was the one doing the right thing. The legalities that could arise never once crossed my mind however. I am a bit naive in matters of this nature, obviously.

Aside from the custody/support issue, is there any other legal matters that you would recommend that a single mom have in place? I am in the process of getting a will together. Anything else you would recommend to have in order?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

A child has the right to be supported by BOTH parents. Even if you don't need the money at this moment, put it aside. You never know when it might come in handy.

Just because you don't ask for support doesn't mean that he won't file for parenting time/ custody.