Sole custody vs 50/50 joint

[beenthere30]

What is the name of your state?Arizona

I am posting this for a friend of mine who lives in Arizona. She is the mother of 3 children. The older two are from her ex husband and the baby(1 year) from her ex bf. She has been under a great deal of stress raising 3 children alone, going to college fulltime, and all the fun of being a single mom. Her Ex-BF is trying to convince her she is a bad mother for leaving the baby with the grandma while she is in school and saying daycare for such a small baby is neglegt. (roll eyes) Anyway today he tried to convince her to give custody of the baby to him based on the above facts. She called me to ask my opinion and I told her under NO circumstances to allow him to have the baby full time as she would have a very hard time getting the baby back when she finished school(in about 2 years)

Currently there is no court ordered custody. He has been legally found to be the father and does pay child support. He is a good daddy. That is not in question. I suggested that she file for joint custody 50/50. That way the child gets the benifits of both parents and reduces the amount of pressure on her to raise the child alone. Plus then she doesn't risk not being able to get the child back later. She knows the 50/50 would more than likely have to be permanent.

I just wanted to know if this seems the best course of action to maintain that she doesn't loose her child? She thinks if she files for joint custody that the courts will say he can have full custody because she is a fulltime student and BF's mom watches the baby while she is in school. What do you think? I want to be able to forward her the messages so she stops stressing so much. Thank you for your time

 

[beenthere30]

Anyone? Just bumping it up so that I get a response.

 

[kat1963]

No teens yet eh? Now that is when the FUN really begins! She's worn out now, ha, just wait! Okay, okay...how about a joint parenting plan? Below are some examples that of course can be modified to her situation. Frankly, they haven't found a better way to raise em' then with have both parents equally involved. Perhaps they can both work one out between them, have it notorized then FILED with the courts so that when the judge signs it then it becomes a court order. If it's not filed, it will be meaningless.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan4.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan8.htm
Maybe she can work out the same plan with the other biodad? That way at least she'll have 5 minutes to do her nails!
Best of luck to your friend!
KAT

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state?Arizona

I am posting this for a friend of mine who lives in Arizona. She is the mother of 3 children. The older two are from her ex husband and the baby(1 year) from her ex bf. She has been under a great deal of stress raising 3 children alone, going to college fulltime, and all the fun of being a single mom. Her Ex-BF is trying to convince her she is a bad mother for leaving the baby with the grandma while she is in school and saying daycare for such a small baby is neglegt. (roll eyes) Anyway today he tried to convince her to give custody of the baby to him based on the above facts. She called me to ask my opinion and I told her under NO circumstances to allow him to have the baby full time as she would have a very hard time getting the baby back when she finished school(in about 2 years)

Currently there is no court ordered custody. He has been legally found to be the father and does pay child support. He is a good daddy. That is not in question. I suggested that she file for joint custody 50/50. That way the child gets the benifits of both parents and reduces the amount of pressure on her to raise the child alone. Plus then she doesn't risk not being able to get the child back later. She knows the 50/50 would more than likely have to be permanent.

I just wanted to know if this seems the best course of action to maintain that she doesn't loose her child? She thinks if she files for joint custody that the courts will say he can have full custody because she is a fulltime student and BF's mom watches the baby while she is in school. What do you think? I want to be able to forward her the messages so she stops stressing so much. Thank you for your time

A judge is not going to give him full or primary custody of the baby just because grandma watches the child while she is in school full time. He would have to have a lot more than that in order to take full or primary custody.

And no...she is not a bad mother at all because her child has to be in daycare so that she can go to school. That is NORMAL.

 

[dallas702]

They should both consider 50/50 seriously, but some factors are important. I spent 7 years in court fighting for 50/50, but through 4 judges and a state Supreme Court hearing it became obvious that the female dominated child services system wasn't going to put us into a situation where I wasn't paying child support. Even though our law was very specific that shared custody required an apportionment of support, every time a District Court judge would order it the Supremes would shoot it down. SO.....sometimes the law doesn't really matter.

Anyway, I raised 3 of my 6 children under a 45/55 arrangement for about 10 years before they all came to live with me. It was a massive amount of work, and having to be in contact with my ex-wife's new husband (abusive, hostile, jealous, insecure, and gone at year 9) twice a week was stressful and sometimes dangerous. But, there was no way I was going to give up on my children.

So, here's the major criteria:

1- both ex's MUST make a pact to cooperate, get along with each other civily, never bad-mouth the other, keep each other informed about appointments, be willing to sit near each other at events (sports, music, graduation, concerts, fairs, etc.) so they can cheer the kids on.

2- Both must be willing to take over at a moment's notice if either has an emergency or any other reasonable excuse to not be there.

3- Both must agree to make their homes inviting, comfortable, and NON-threatening to all the children. No trying to outdo each other with gifts or outings.

4- Both must agree to cooperate on discipline and how to handle all the typical child behavioral challenges.

5- Both have to cooperate on what is appropriate dress, where the kids can go, how late they can stay out, what forms of entertainment they can be involved in (especially TV programs and movies).

6- Both should agree, or agree to disagree but not badmouth each other when it comes to religious training. If one is Catholic, and one is Baptist (whatever), they can do both. The kids can figure out which they want when they get older.

There's lots more, but when the court calls it "shared custody" they mean it. Some psychobabblists will try to tell you its "confusing" for the kids. BS! IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW THE PARENTS WORK AT IT. The kids need both parents (assuming both parents want the best for their kids and not just themselves).

You'll still have to resolve child support issues. If both parents are participating equally you can agree to mitigate the support. But, be aware that cs formulas generally are based upon the income of whoever is considered the primary wage earner. Historically, that's usually the man. But, let's say parent 1 earns $55,000/yr, and parent 2 earns $35000. The court might be mandated by statute to assess CS to the primary wage earner based on either the difference between the two...OR the entire income of #1. If the state uses one of the popular formulas that seem to be guaranteed to break low-to-medium income fathers, #1 will pay as much as 25% of his Gross income, plus half of all medical, dental, and education expenses. That, even though "he" may be actually providing 1/2 of the children's actual daily living expenses.

But, if you really love your kids it's still worth it.

GO FOR IT! But, you must work out as many details as you can between yourselves, and put the children's needs first.

OOps! Forgot one important thing. You need to live in close proximity. More than 20 miles is really tough if you have to fight traffic. in fact, more than that wears the kids out and causes too many arguments between the parents.

 

[beenthere30]

Thank you for the responses! Yes her ex boyfriend lives only 10 miles away so joint custody wouldn't be an issue do to location. And she has a visitation plan with her ex husband but a couple of months ago he moved 1000 miles away so visitation with his two kids is few and far between. I am going to be going back to Arizona at the end of this months for 6 weeks so I told her I would go to the courthouse with her and show her what and where to file. Thanks again for your help I am sure she will be reasurred by your answers.