Speaking and planning through kids

[stealth2]

I'm gonna let a cat outta the bag here. My name is stealth, and I allow my children (15 & 17) to arrange their visitation time with their Dad. They have done so for at least 2 1/2 years. Yes, despite my general feeling that children should not be in the middle of these situations. But sometimes, the children are more mature than one - or both - of the parents. If I waited for my ex to communicate with me, the kids wouldn't see him, ever. He's a control freak, and his way of "controlling me" is to cut off any and all communication. As much as I dislike it, taking care of arrangements works for them, and they make a point of not making plans w/o checking to see what we may have planned. I figure it's good that they spend time with him, and since he's willing to do it on their terms... I'm not going to fight it. Especially when, otherwise, he'd see them even less than he does now.

So... there is the perspective I am coming from.

OP... Get over yourself. Seriously? If one of my kids (even when they were 8/10/12) called to say "Hey Mom... we're running a little late with dinner with Dad - we won't be home 'til <30/60 minutes after I expected them>", my response would be "Okay - thanks for letting me know! Glad you're having fun! Love you!"

If one of them told me their Dad was willing to provide limo transport for the prom? My response would be "Keeeeeeeeeewwwwlllll!" 'Cause that would save me a minimum of $250 and I would be thrilled that Dad was getting in on the excitement.

Ya know, OP... You need to learn how to choose your battles.

 

[wileybunch]

And if Dad can truly succeed in changing the kids affections/allegiance, however fickle they are, after a 5 year absence, then Mum has done a terrible job of raising these kids.

Honestly, if you think you can DETERMINE how your kids will turn out, they you think you have more control as a parent than you actually do. There are children of FINE parents that turn out to be nothing like their parents raised them and it's inexplicable. They could have other siblings that do and one doesn't. Yep, it happens and nope, you can't so easily blame it on the parent and think that could never happen to you. It can and does (including intact/nondivorced families).

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

Honestly, if you think you can DETERMINE how your kids will turn out, they you think you have more control as a parent than you actually do. There are children of FINE parents that turn out to be nothing like their parents raised them and it's inexplicable. They could have other siblings that do and one doesn't. Yep, it happens and nope, you can't so easily blame it on the parent and think that could never happen to you. It can and does (including intact/nondivorced families).

Amen! My parents are perfect example of that. The best parents kids could ask for. Strict but loving and they had two children grow up no problems, responsible great citizens and one who was in and out of juvy and prison as he got older. By no fault of theirs but his own making.

Op's kids are just that kids. While they know mom loves them they are still at an age of selfishness where limos and wants are what they see. Op though you do need to pick your battles while I see that to you he is trying to manipulate and your probably right I would not make a mountain out of a molehill. Just as with parenting your child you have to pick your battles so you are going to have to do with your ex.

 

[profmum]

Honestly, if you think you can DETERMINE how your kids will turn out, they you think you have more control as a parent than you actually do. There are children of FINE parents that turn out to be nothing like their parents raised them and it's inexplicable. They could have other siblings that do and one doesn't. Yep, it happens and nope, you can't so easily blame it on the parent and think that could never happen to you. It can and does (including intact/nondivorced families).

That is all well and good, except the argument being made (by you) was not about how "kids turn out" rather how a Disney Dad could change allegiance given that kids are inherently narcissitic. We tell posters all the time to teach their kids values so that if they can learn to do their homework, not tell lies, not get piercings etc etc when they are with parent with less than optimal parenting skills.. no different in this situation.

 

[stealth2]

Kids aren't stupid. They know which parent they can manipulate and how. And sure - they often take advantage of it. But... they also know which parent they can count on to be there when the going gets rough. That's the one who usually gets dumped on. Even when it hurts, a good parent understands how it goes and sucks it up.

All OP is doing is driving her kids away.

 

[LdiJ]

Kids aren't stupid. They know which parent they can manipulate and how. And sure - they often take advantage of it. But... they also know which parent they can count on to be there when the going gets rough. That's the one who usually gets dumped on. Even when it hurts, a good parent understands how it goes and sucks it up.

All OP is doing is driving her kids away.

AMEN...no truer words could be spoken.

 

[stealth2]

I learned early on. When my youngest was four, in fact. I can picture it clear as day. The circumstances we were in aren't important, but suffice it to say that she was not pleased with me. She said:

Well... We LIKE Daddy because he buys us stuff! ... ... ... long pause ... ... ... but we love you because you take care of us.

And that, my friends, is how it goes.

 

[>Charlotte<]

All that stuff stealth said, plus "Ya know, OP... You need to learn how to choose your battles."

Californiamom3, you should print stealth's posts and read them every morning when you wake up. Because, really, what's the alternative? You have three choices: tolerate it, work it out, or take it to court.

Tolerate it: Well, that ship has sailed.

Work it out: Not happening.

Take it to court: Do you really want to stand in front of a judge and complain that your daughter called to say they were running late? Or that her father got her a limo for the prom? Or that he gave her $50?

Like stealth said, choose your battles--and stop jumping at every opportunity to declare something a "battle". It doesn't just make you look bitter and nitpicky, it is bitter and nitpicky.