Step-parents' rights.

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? Missouri


I have another question.

When an ex remarries, what rights does the new spouse have with regards to the children?

Mostly, I'm wondering about...

discipline
caring for them when the ex isn't there (I have right of first refusal - does that change?)
does she suddenly have the right to schedule/attend dr visits?
Make any sort of medical decisions?
Attend/schedule parent-teacher conferences?
What about things like bathing the kids? I'm really not comfortable with someone - who until 6 months ago, they'd never met - seeing them naked/touching them. (the youngest still needs help in the tub).

I'm not sure where the boundaries are when she's trying really really hard to become 'mom', and the kids are pretty young (8 & 4).

Thanks.

 

[karma1]

Legally speaking...

steps have no rights unless granted by a court order.
Perhaps you can provide more specifics?
Discipline? are we talking physical discipline or what?
Medical care? Emergency situations? I think as long as the child is cared for, who cares who takes them, ya know...
Medical decisions? Like what?
Parent/teacher conferences? Depends on the school but I know as a teacher, if the parent sends the step to attend, we are just glad an adult is there to confer with....
Baths? geesh, as long as the child gets help and gets clean, what's the big deal?

pick your battles~

 

[CJane]

steps have no rights unless granted by a court order.
Perhaps you can provide more specifics?
Discipline? are we talking physical discipline or what?
Medical care? Emergency situations? I think as long as the child is cared for, who cares who takes them, ya know...
Medical decisions? Like what?
Parent/teacher conferences? Depends on the school but I know as a teacher, if the parent sends the step to attend, we are just glad an adult is there to confer with....
Baths? geesh, as long as the child gets help and gets clean, what's the big deal?

pick your battles~

I'm not really preparing for battles over this stuff. I guess what I was really looking for was whether her rights would somehow supercede mine. If he retains legal custody - something I'm very interested in changing - and the kids have a medical appointment during his appointed time, and he doesn't want to take the time off work to take them, does he have to consult ME first, or can he just have her take them?

I'm already having problems getting him to follow Dr's orders with regards to my oldest child's allergy medication. This has only started since they became serious. She doesn't believe in medicating children for anything. Clearly, he's taking what she feels about things like that into account when he's got our children in his custody.

And yes, I was wondering about physical discipline.

 

[lonelyandsad]

stepparents

stepparents have no legal rights to their stepkids.they have no right to make any major decisions about the children(thats the bio parents responsibilty) or schedule visitation(it isnt their business,if they interfere,the cp could be held in contempt of court).as for teacher conferences,both parents should discuss it,some cp's get upset when the ncp brings their so to the meeting,they feel it should be between the parents only.as for discipling the kids,i dont feel stepparents should disciplining their stepkids,i have 3 stepkids,ages 4 3 and 8 weeks,and i dont punish them,cuz i dont feel its my place to punish them,im not their mother.i know you dont feel comfortable with someone else bathing the kids,but they cant go without one.

 

[CJane]

stepparents have no legal rights to their stepkids.they have no right to make any major decisions about the children(thats the bio parents responsibilty) or schedule visitation(it isnt their business,if they interfere,the cp could be held in contempt of court).as for teacher conferences,both parents should discuss it,some cp's get upset when the ncp brings their so to the meeting,they feel it should be between the parents only.as for discipling the kids,i dont feel stepparents should disciplining their stepkids,i have 3 stepkids,ages 4 3 and 8 weeks,and i dont punish them,cuz i dont feel its my place to punish them,im not their mother.i know you dont feel comfortable with someone else bathing the kids,but they cant go without one.

Heh. Seems like they go without one most of the time that they're with him anyway. That's a whole other issue. I just don't like the idea of her bathing them - it should be his job.

I guess part of the issue I have is that when he and I were married, 99% of the parenting fell to me. I'm concerned that the same thing will happen in his new marriage, and these aren't even her kids.

Am I being completely irrational?

 

[lonelyandsad]

untitled

what goes on in his new marriage isnt any of your business.i bathe chris and lindsey,my stepkids,my husband doesnt mind.he bathes my daughters,they love it.as long as they get a bath,what does it matter who bathes them?

 

[karma1]

You're trying to control what you can't...

I'm afraid~
If %99 of the parenting fell on you when you were married, then this new situation should be no shock---and you cant control that.


Unless your children are in physical danger, let it go...with your battles about your child with the allergies, if the child is getting to the doc now--that would be my main concern.....(it was allergies, right?)

 

[casa]

Heh. Seems like they go without one most of the time that they're with him anyway. That's a whole other issue. I just don't like the idea of her bathing them - it should be his job.

I guess part of the issue I have is that when he and I were married, 99% of the parenting fell to me. I'm concerned that the same thing will happen in his new marriage, and these aren't even her kids.

Am I being completely irrational?

Re; the 99%....been there, done that. The best thing about the X remarrying is that now I know our child is being taken care of better than when the X was single! LOL

 

[CJane]

I'm afraid~
If %99 of the parenting fell on you when you were married, then this new situation should be no shock---and you cant control that.


Unless your children are in physical danger, let it go...with your battles about your child with the allergies, if the child is getting to the doc now--that would be my main concern.....(it was allergies, right?)

Yes, it's allergies. He was refusing to give her medications, which resulted in fluid in her ears, and hearing loss. We've since been back to the doctor, and we'll see what happens. I've had them since that visit, he'll have them again on Wednesday, for 5 days. My 8 year old is keeping a medicine journal, so we can keep track of dosages.

lonelyandsad ~ It's my business when it impacts my kids. Whether he likes it or not, they're my first priority even when they're with him. The reason it matters is that I KNOW if the roles were reversed, he would raise holy hell if I was letting a new SO even think about seeing my kids naked. This is the same man who has threatened to come and get my kids if I have someone he hasn't previously met and approved of in my house while my children are here.

 

[ericaj]

I went from being the stepmother who shared a daughter between her dad's home and her mom's home to my husband having sole custody and having my stepdaughter 24/7.

I understand that your kids are your #1 priority 100% of the time. It is more wise to become friends if possible with this woman - who is with your children when they're not with you. You will know more about how she interacts with your kids, you will be able to influence things/decisions at your ex's home that you couldn't before because you would have an inside intermediary (and let's face it.. wives greatly influence their husbands.. just think of the whole meds issue), not to mention it would make your kids - and yourself - feel more comfortable and happy..

You are what she will NEVER be, their mother. Feel comfortable in that. Even if your kids really grow to love her, she will never replace you. And having your kids have more people to love/be loved by makes them better people by lots of different influences.

I don't know your ex, but you did trust him enough to have two babies with him, and you share custody so I don't think it sounds like he's a bad or unfit parent.. if you trust his decisions in his mate and make this easier, he may return the favor to you.

 

[CJane]

I went from being the stepmother who shared a daughter between her dad's home and her mom's home to my husband having sole custody and having my stepdaughter 24/7.

I understand that your kids are your #1 priority 100% of the time. It is more wise to become friends if possible with this woman - who is with your children when they're not with you. You will know more about how she interacts with your kids, you will be able to influence things/decisions at your ex's home that you couldn't before because you would have an inside intermediary (and let's face it.. wives greatly influence their husbands.. just think of the whole meds issue), not to mention it would make your kids - and yourself - feel more comfortable and happy..

You are what she will NEVER be, their mother. Feel comfortable in that. Even if your kids really grow to love her, she will never replace you. And having your kids have more people to love/be loved by makes them better people by lots of different influences.

I don't know your ex, but you did trust him enough to have two babies with him, and you share custody so I don't think it sounds like he's a bad or unfit parent.. if you trust his decisions in his mate and make this easier, he may return the favor to you.

I've made every effort to befriend her. We actually have known each other for a very long time - since before the ex and I got married. I don't dislike her, I just question her committment to caring for my children when she's never had any or spent any time with any kids. Yes, I'm being judgemental.

And no, I don't think that my ex is unfit. Yeah, he parents WAY differently than I do, but that was always an issue. Hopefully, I'll get the visitation order modified when he moves, and all of this will be less of a concern because the kids will spend less time with the new wife than the way the order currently stands.

 

[heartbrokenmom2]

My husband has a kid and he has custody of her, but I RAISE her, he is never here, and to be VERY HONEST, i am mom, but so is her biological mom, i mean yes i feed, go to parnet teacher conference, cook, clean, wash her clothes do homework with her, i ground her and punish her also when necessary, and read bed time stories, etc, and yes she calls me mom, no i have no legal rights, but i have the right to be a step parent, now the BIOLOGICAL mom she had an issue like you, and to be honest, you should be happy that your kid is in good hands, stop complaining if hte kid is happy, and i mean truly happy, than you should thank god the parent actually loves your kid that much! I love my step daughter, i mean i truly love her like my own, theres no difference and i will fight for her like my own, and protect her like my own, etc. LEARN THE FACT that right now we complain about the other womoan, i am on both ends i have a baby with someone else too, and they have a new wife too, but i UNDERSTAND and as long as all is WELL, i dont complain soon as i hear that there is a MAJOR problem then and onely then will i step in and battle right now i tip my hat to her and say thanks for the help! p.s. really i mean its not like you are there or CAN BE THERE to do it and lastly its NOT your decision its the father and STEP MOTHERS! SO yes like the other reader stated you ahve to get OVER IT! accept you are no longer his wife and stop trying to use the kids as a reason to moan and groan or complain about or to your ex, divorce means you no longer have say so in the guys life, the kids are his also, not just yours he has the same rights to make decisions in regards to those kids as you do, and i am sure that if he felt there was any danger or uncomfortability there he wouldnt wait to hear from you much less worry about what you think!
SO find a new hobby and enjoy your time off from the kids, play bingo or something and stop worrying and p.s. get over the ex!

 

[CJane]

p.s. get over the ex!

Clearly, you have not read or comprehended my previous posts. This isn't about my ex. It's about me trying to find out BEFORE HE GETS MARRIED what rights the new step mother will have.

Yes, he makes decisions that I disagree with when the kids are with him, and I'm sure that I do the same. We have excellent communication about the kids and about our lives. We've worked very hard toward forging a friendship, not only for the sake of our children, but for our own sanity as well.

Don't project your bitterness onto me. There's no place for it in my feelings toward my children, my ex or his new wife.

 

[heartbrokenmom2]

Try reading between the lines!

undefinedi have no bitterness, i clearly stated that i see it as a GOOD thing the more to love the merrier, I THINK from your quote about someone bathing the small child and your not being comfortable iwth it,.... thats just antoher way for you to moan and groan...... whats not comfortable about it,,,,, the pediatrician is he family, or when you take her to the emergency room are they strangers????? when you go to the local pool,,,,, people see your kids half naked are they strangers??????? you get my point...... you would WANT the step parent to set ground rules so the child respects her and so that your kid doesnt feel that she can do what ever she wants over at step moms house but NOT AT YOURS.... get it??????

 

[CJane]

undefinedi have no bitterness, i clearly stated that i see it as a GOOD thing the more to love the merrier, I THINK from your quote about someone bathing the small child and your not being comfortable iwth it,.... thats just antoher way for you to moan and groan...... whats not comfortable about it,,,,, the pediatrician is he family, or when you take her to the emergency room are they strangers????? when you go to the local pool,,,,, people see your kids half naked are they strangers??????? you get my point...... you would WANT the step parent to set ground rules so the child respects her and so that your kid doesnt feel that she can do what ever she wants over at step moms house but NOT AT YOURS.... get it??????

I'm not suggesting that there not be rules at Dad's house. I'm questioning how far she can go to enforce them. I know how difficult it can be to parent two small children. She's never spent more than a few hours with my kids. That's cause for concern.

Since my kids were in diapers, they've never been naked in a drs office, and they've never been to the emergency room. However, there is a HUGE difference between professional medical care and a virtual stranger touching them. Yes, I have issues with that that relate to my childhood. I understand that.

I'm here to ask questions and seek advice, not complain. In fact, other than me stating that my ex has refused Dr's orders with regards to medications, I haven't complained about him at all.