Step son stuck in the middle...

[StepMomInGA]

What is the name of your state?GA
My husband is the CP. My step son and I are very close..
Last night my almost 10 year old step son and I were talking and he told me that his mom said the reason why his mom and dad are divorced is because his dad slapped her.
I couldn't believe my ears!! I told him first off, that was not true. I explained to him that sometimes there are things that should be kept between adults and the reasons for a divorce are one of them. He asked was he there reason for their divorce.. I reassured him he was not the reason and they just could not work out their differences. I also let him know that if my parents ever got divorced, I would not want to know the reason because I would not want to think bad or have a grudge on either one of my parents. He agreed... He said that she told him that just before we got custody of him. I'm thinking she just said that to him because she wanted him to hate his dad and that she had bitternes because we got custody of him. The real reason for their divorce is her sleeping around with every man she came in contact with...

My husband decided that this would go unsaid because all if would do is start a major fight. But if something like this happens again for my step son to tell her not to talk bad about any of us and let us know right away.

I'd love to hear suggestions.....

 

[helen7]

Similar situation

My husband and I are in a very similar situation. When my husband got custody of his 2 boys....5 and 7.....the mom told the youngest to hate his father's guts. She keeps promising them that she will get them back. The youngest is convinced that it will happen. I expalin to him that his mom cannot promise him anything like that, because no one knows what will happen.
Children are alot smarter than we think sometimes. My youngest step-son said that after his mom told him to hate his dad's guts, he said "I dont hate my dads guts and I'm not going to."
My suggestion is to just keep reashering him that all of you love him very much, and that his dad would never do anything to hurt him or his mom. I wonldnt make a big deal out of it because after all, she said it out of hurt and anger. If dad is a loving and caring father, then your step son knows that his dad isnt like that. When he gets older, he will figure out the truth.
I would think that on a legal standpoint, that if it became an ongoing thing, that IF it states it the CO that both parents will not talk bad about the other parent, then he could file a contempt charge. But that seems rather petty to me.
My husbands ex tells the boys something bad about me or their dad everytime she sees them. The boys dont act as if they hate either one of us, or have any ill feelings toward us. So I assume that they know what is the truth and we just keep telling them that mom is angry and says alot of things she dosnt really mean. That we all love them very much and want them to be safe and happy.
Just know that your not alone.

 

[stealth2]

Yep, an all too familiar story, I'm afraid. My ex refers to me (to the kids) as "that woman", and has said some rather hateful things to them (when he's not playing the woe is me sympathy card). I've simply made a point of telling them that we all say things we may not mean when we're upset or angry, and sometimes we're not even upset or angry about the situation at hand but about something else that spills over. I've also reminded them that we all see the same event differently, and the truth is somewhere in between what we all see - our pov isn't a lie, but it isn't the complete truth either - it's our pov. But to remember that their Dad and I both love them very much, etc, etc.

My younger basically leaves the room when her Dad starts on something. The older simply zones out.

 

[StepMomInGA]

Thanks Helen..

It does say in the CO about that.. It just baffles me that a mom can tell their child something like that.. However, this is also a mom that hasn't called her son in 9 weeks, so I guess anything goes..

Last night he said he never wanted to see his mom again and that he didn't like her anymore.. I've never seen him so angry before..

 

[Kansas4me]

My brothers wife had numerous affiars that lead to the end of their marriage. The kids (aged 13-7) know about it. The oldest girl (10) told me that mommy did something real bad to daddy. I asked her what that was, and she told me, "she had sex with another man" I was a bit floored to say the least. I think a time comes when the kids are old enough they deserve the truth, but wonder about it this soon. I suppose it all was let out because when she had the affair, her "boyfriends" wife found out and called my brother, in shock he didn't keep his mouth shut and watch what he said around the kids. So they know pretty much everything, and probably some nasty details the rest of us don't care to know.

But you said he was 10, depending on his maturity level, next time she pulls this, you might sit him down and give him the truth. Not to bad mouth her, but to let him know these things happen, your father didn't just break up your home and so on. Do it without making her out to be the horrible person, but be honest.

 

[StepMomInGA]

I don't know that I could tell him the truth.. If it happened to my parents, I would not want to know. He is already starting to have a lot of resentment towards his mom. Like I said she does not call all to often. She hasn't seen him in about 11 weeks. He already thinks she doesn't love him because of that. We're just to the point where we can't make excuses for the woman anymore. I just know I'm trying to be the best mother figure in his life right now since she's failing to do so. I know he's getting older and he's staring to realize what the big picture really is.

It's really really sad.

 

[helen7]

Whenever my step-sons talk to their mom, they come back with a million questions. My youngest wanted to know why he cant live with him mom. I explained to him that there were alot of things that his mom had to fix. She had alot of things going on right now and she had to fix everything before she could take care of them. So, the judge thought that it would be better for them if they came to live with us. He said, yeah...my mom does alot of bad stuff, and she sleeps all the time. Well, the mother is a drug user, but my husband and I have never told the boys this. But they just seem to know. They probably dont know that she is doing drugs, but they know that something bad is going on. When they get older, they will be able to put 2 and 2 together.
I know, yesterday was the oldest's birthday. Mom came to see him (supervised visitation). She was supposed to be here at 5:30 and didnt show up until 7:15. And to top it off, did not bring a gift for him. She wished him happy birthday and gave him a kiss and he ran back upstairs to continue playing his game. He didnt seem too interested. This was only the second time she has seen them in a month and a half. Sad.

 

[Kansas4me]

I don't know that I could tell him the truth.. If it happened to my parents, I would not want to know. He is already starting to have a lot of resentment towards his mom. Like I said she does not call all to often. She hasn't seen him in about 11 weeks. He already thinks she doesn't love him because of that. We're just to the point where we can't make excuses for the woman anymore. I just know I'm trying to be the best mother figure in his life right now since she's failing to do so. I know he's getting older and he's staring to realize what the big picture really is.

It's really really sad.

I understand, I don't know what I would do for sure if I was in your position. but remember that sometimes "protecting" them can come back and bite you. They want to know they can depend on you for the truth. Just keep doing what you are doing, and offer him a good role model. The rest will come to you. You are in my prayers.

 

[stealth2]

But you said he was 10, depending on his maturity level, next time she pulls this, you might sit him down and give him the truth. Not to bad mouth her, but to let him know these things happen, your father didn't just break up your home and so on. Do it without making her out to be the horrible person, but be honest.

This is something best left to Dad.

 

[Kansas4me]

You are right, it would be far better coming from Dad then Step mom.

 

[StepMomInGA]

Have any of y'all confronted the nutty ex's with their crazy statements??

 

[helen7]

Have any of y'all confronted the nutty ex's with their crazy statements??

Not yet. My husband has temporary custody right now. We have another court date coming up to make it permanant (god willing). As soon as that is over......oh yeah.....there's gonna be a brewhaha goin on! Not around the children of course, but there are some things that need to be said. Of course my husband has the leagal rights to the children, not me, and can say what he wants or dosnt, but I can certainly tell her what I think of her. I have been more of a mother to them than she has. I take care of them on a daily basis....so I think I have the right to express my opinion.

 

[stealth2]

Have any of y'all confronted the nutty ex's with their crazy statements??

Nah, it isn't worth it. He's gonna be a nut either way, so what's the point of interacting that way?

 

[StepMomInGA]

It just seems to me that what she said is totally EXTREME. My husbands never once laid a hand on me and my step son knows that..
I'm the woman in my step son's life that does EVERYTHING for him. I do ALL of the "mommy" things and I also do "friend" things. It makes me glad that he can confide in me now when he's got to tell me something.

My step son also said that he does not want to bring it up to his mom for the time being. He thinks he'd get in trouble. We told him if he does bring it up to her, she's gonna say that we're lying, but he know's the real truth. It just get's me that he thought it was for real for 2 years because of her bitterness.

I just don't get some people's thinking, rather, NON thinking!!!

Thanks for all of y'alls input. It makes me feel a little better that We're not alone..

 

[hayley"s mom]

My ex and I always brought out the worst in eachother, I always told my daughter that it was both our faults our marriage failed but it had nothing to do with her. But my ex was physically, mentally and verbally abusive to me but he is not with his current wife, however she takes it upon herself to tell my daughter things about me I know my ex told his wife, that are totally untrue and its all in a bid to make me look bad and her to seem like shes a better parent, mostly to convince herself I think...I'm ncp and her sm told her I smoked crack, I didn't want her and couldn't afford her and even told her her biological sister wasn't really her sister at all. And my ex throws his two cents in too. Sometimes it's really hard not to tell mydaughter about the way her father really was but she's 14 now and she's starting to see things for herself, but I have to agree the boys father should handle these matters because in all reality you are still the stepmother and you wouldn't want him to someday come to resent you, because he is always going to be his mothers child regardless how close you are you can NEVER be his mother and technically you have no rights to him, you never know what can happen in a childs mind especially when they are being tugged in so many directions, his mother may say something and strike something in her son and he blames you then what? That's just my opinion. But I'm sure you love him and that's a beautiful thing.....