oh my. The visuals that I am getting after reading longermember-itis. My husband wants to know what sort of forum this is.
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Stepmom at school
- Thread starter Limbs_of_a_Pine
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oh my. The visuals that I am getting after reading longermember-itis. My husband wants to know what sort of forum this is.
Just Blue
Senior Member
oh my. The visuals that I am getting after reading longermember-itis. My husband wants to know what sort of forum this is.
Lie and have a GOOOOD night!!
Limbs_of_a_Pine
Junior Member
So I took some time to read this thread ... I get it, you hate, me, sigh. I do realize the basic communication breakdown though. I had a legal question or 3 - I was focused on finding the legal answer and didn't respond to the "Why don't you take this reasonable advice and BACK OFF?" part. I agree, it's reasonable advice, good advice, but -- well, it's not a reasonable situation. I am not the concerned parent - my husband is: so this summary of the situation is second-hand, but this is HIS situation. Currently, like I said, they have joint custody. He is unhappy about:
- child's safety. His son reports playing with mom's boyfriend's hunting guns and crossbows. Dad says boyfriend shouldn't be alone with child according to custody agreement.
- child's sexual behaviors. Recently son bribed/blackmailed playmate, put his penis into other child's mouth. Dad feels mom's home (three unrelated teen boys living with son) is unsafe. CPS notified immediately, child in therapy, situation isn't concluded to his satisfaction
- diet. Son has dr. recommended diet due to his health problems, dad feels mom ignores diet
- child's self-mutilation. Son doesn't do this with dad, comes back from mom time with scabby patches (cuts self with nail clippers)
- appointments. Mother makes appointments (dr., psychiatrist, etc) for son during father's parenting time - dad finds out about appointments when the reminder call comes. Ongoing problem for years but comes and goes. I've observed it three times in the past month.
- dad meeting with teacher or any school personnel. Dad wants to talk with key players at school one-on-one, not to make decisions but to get information. Mom interrupts, calls school to cancel, etc if/when she learns about such meetings. Currently mom says she will interrupt his next parent-teacher conference (next week) - angry that he scheduled his own apart from hers - dad says separate meetings OK by custody agreement
- religion. Dad is not christian ethnically or culturally, does not agree to have son raised in that religion, but son has been obsessed with Jesus' death for past six months - dad feels she is breaking joint custody agreement re. religion
- teeth - son has many cavities, 8 teeth extracted in past year; dad feels mother neglects teeth
- frequent changes in schedule - Mom informs dad that he needs to call in sick to care for son on her parenting days - I've observed this three times in the past 6 weeks but don't know how well he has documented it in past
- text/email barrages - Mom sends abusive messages, 15-30 an hour, to dad while he is at work. Only does this during her parenting time, so dad not comfortable blocking her # in case son needs to contact him. Apparently random - he doesn't know what triggers this (but it's consistent with borderline personality)
- excessive texts - no barrages, but mom texts dad frequently during dad's parenting time - trivial texts like "Remember that tomorrow is Monday so he has to go to school" - dad feels harassed
- Drinking/drugs. Mom is a drinker - son has fetal alcohol syndrome, root cause of his developmental issues, so at least re. the past this is not supposition; mom has lost job in past year due to drinking according to dad (I don't know what his proof is). Dad says he has seen her take drugs and says her current appearance/behavior "look like she's switched to meth - " says there may be drug use in her house (again, I don't know how this would be proven).
- Homework. Dad feels mom deliberately sabotages homework, does not release packet to him; sometimes packet has arrived completed in her handwriting. Dad suspects may be to undermine IEP (doesn't know why) or maybe to create impression with school that dad doesn't support son academically. ** This is the one dad has asked me specifically to help with and the one I asked about. **
I'm sure "dad" (my husband) has plenty more but these are the main problems he's expressed to me. Sorry they are a jumble but this is off the top of my head.
So ... yeah, it's HIS situation. I don't have a role to play beyond supporting him as he deals with it. But, as his partner, I do feel obligated to support him. He feels within his rights to get the homework packet but can't get to the school in time; he specifically asked me to do this, as it's a minor inconvenience to me. He is trying to build up a case to petition for sole custody as he feels the situation is untenable and seemingly getting worse as the years go by. BUT -- he is certain that, as a dad, he will lose. This is why I felt so panicky about getting precise information about whether what I'd done was legally defensible: I do NOT want to undermine him unknowingly.
edited to add - I don't mean that list to represent his legal grounds for asking for sole custody. But those are the reasons that he feels "screw it, I'm not being held hostage by her threats any more, I'm going to do what I feel is best for my kid without asking her permission first."
- child's safety. His son reports playing with mom's boyfriend's hunting guns and crossbows. Dad says boyfriend shouldn't be alone with child according to custody agreement.
- child's sexual behaviors. Recently son bribed/blackmailed playmate, put his penis into other child's mouth. Dad feels mom's home (three unrelated teen boys living with son) is unsafe. CPS notified immediately, child in therapy, situation isn't concluded to his satisfaction
- diet. Son has dr. recommended diet due to his health problems, dad feels mom ignores diet
- child's self-mutilation. Son doesn't do this with dad, comes back from mom time with scabby patches (cuts self with nail clippers)
- appointments. Mother makes appointments (dr., psychiatrist, etc) for son during father's parenting time - dad finds out about appointments when the reminder call comes. Ongoing problem for years but comes and goes. I've observed it three times in the past month.
- dad meeting with teacher or any school personnel. Dad wants to talk with key players at school one-on-one, not to make decisions but to get information. Mom interrupts, calls school to cancel, etc if/when she learns about such meetings. Currently mom says she will interrupt his next parent-teacher conference (next week) - angry that he scheduled his own apart from hers - dad says separate meetings OK by custody agreement
- religion. Dad is not christian ethnically or culturally, does not agree to have son raised in that religion, but son has been obsessed with Jesus' death for past six months - dad feels she is breaking joint custody agreement re. religion
- teeth - son has many cavities, 8 teeth extracted in past year; dad feels mother neglects teeth
- frequent changes in schedule - Mom informs dad that he needs to call in sick to care for son on her parenting days - I've observed this three times in the past 6 weeks but don't know how well he has documented it in past
- text/email barrages - Mom sends abusive messages, 15-30 an hour, to dad while he is at work. Only does this during her parenting time, so dad not comfortable blocking her # in case son needs to contact him. Apparently random - he doesn't know what triggers this (but it's consistent with borderline personality)
- excessive texts - no barrages, but mom texts dad frequently during dad's parenting time - trivial texts like "Remember that tomorrow is Monday so he has to go to school" - dad feels harassed
- Drinking/drugs. Mom is a drinker - son has fetal alcohol syndrome, root cause of his developmental issues, so at least re. the past this is not supposition; mom has lost job in past year due to drinking according to dad (I don't know what his proof is). Dad says he has seen her take drugs and says her current appearance/behavior "look like she's switched to meth - " says there may be drug use in her house (again, I don't know how this would be proven).
- Homework. Dad feels mom deliberately sabotages homework, does not release packet to him; sometimes packet has arrived completed in her handwriting. Dad suspects may be to undermine IEP (doesn't know why) or maybe to create impression with school that dad doesn't support son academically. ** This is the one dad has asked me specifically to help with and the one I asked about. **
I'm sure "dad" (my husband) has plenty more but these are the main problems he's expressed to me. Sorry they are a jumble but this is off the top of my head.
So ... yeah, it's HIS situation. I don't have a role to play beyond supporting him as he deals with it. But, as his partner, I do feel obligated to support him. He feels within his rights to get the homework packet but can't get to the school in time; he specifically asked me to do this, as it's a minor inconvenience to me. He is trying to build up a case to petition for sole custody as he feels the situation is untenable and seemingly getting worse as the years go by. BUT -- he is certain that, as a dad, he will lose. This is why I felt so panicky about getting precise information about whether what I'd done was legally defensible: I do NOT want to undermine him unknowingly.
edited to add - I don't mean that list to represent his legal grounds for asking for sole custody. But those are the reasons that he feels "screw it, I'm not being held hostage by her threats any more, I'm going to do what I feel is best for my kid without asking her permission first."
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Limbs_of_a_Pine
Junior Member
Luckily I have a legal benefit through my work, so I got an hour free consultation with a lawyer this evening. Here's how she answered my original questions.
1) Is it legally defensible for me, a stepmother, to be delegated to pick up stepson's homework packet directly from his school?
Lawyer said: Both parents have the right to all school records. Homework could be construed as a "school record" so arguably dad has the right to a copy of all homework. And he has the right to delegate the job of picking it up to anyone he chooses. The mother can object on the grounds that homework is not a "school record," but a court would probably find that unreasonable. (Key word is "probably"...)
2) Is it legally defensible for dad to delegate after-school pickup to me?
Lawyer: "What did original judgement say?" - Basically, any caretaking by a third party is OK only if parent is given the opportunity to meet the third party and approve. "Did that happen?" Yes, she approved me as a caretaker about 18 months ago. "Has there been any incident since then that would change the approval?" Our marriage, but no other incidents - no injury, complaint, etc. "Then it's probably OK. She could object by saying there was an incident that caused her to withdraw approval, though. She could then file for violation of the final custody judgement. But it would likely have to go to mediation first and it would probably be found unreasonable." (Again, "probably.")
So what should we do, I asked. Her response: "Who has more resources in case of a court fight? You guys? Then I advise you just keep on doing what you're doing. If she brings a complaint to the court it would probably be found unreasonable. As far as stopping the other behavior (interfering with dad's parenting time etc) he needs to file for sole custody. There are two sides to every story, and I don't know hers, so you've got to think about that, but if you can document the behavior you've just told me I'd say you have a good chance. Her objecting to (the two things above) probably wouldn't hurt you guys, they would likely make her look MORE unreasonable."
So that's my whole story, posted on the off-chance that it's helpful to anyone in a similar situation. If the legal minds here see glaring problems with the lawyer's take feel free to chip in (I hear you guys aren't shy...)
1) Is it legally defensible for me, a stepmother, to be delegated to pick up stepson's homework packet directly from his school?
Lawyer said: Both parents have the right to all school records. Homework could be construed as a "school record" so arguably dad has the right to a copy of all homework. And he has the right to delegate the job of picking it up to anyone he chooses. The mother can object on the grounds that homework is not a "school record," but a court would probably find that unreasonable. (Key word is "probably"...)
2) Is it legally defensible for dad to delegate after-school pickup to me?
Lawyer: "What did original judgement say?" - Basically, any caretaking by a third party is OK only if parent is given the opportunity to meet the third party and approve. "Did that happen?" Yes, she approved me as a caretaker about 18 months ago. "Has there been any incident since then that would change the approval?" Our marriage, but no other incidents - no injury, complaint, etc. "Then it's probably OK. She could object by saying there was an incident that caused her to withdraw approval, though. She could then file for violation of the final custody judgement. But it would likely have to go to mediation first and it would probably be found unreasonable." (Again, "probably.")
So what should we do, I asked. Her response: "Who has more resources in case of a court fight? You guys? Then I advise you just keep on doing what you're doing. If she brings a complaint to the court it would probably be found unreasonable. As far as stopping the other behavior (interfering with dad's parenting time etc) he needs to file for sole custody. There are two sides to every story, and I don't know hers, so you've got to think about that, but if you can document the behavior you've just told me I'd say you have a good chance. Her objecting to (the two things above) probably wouldn't hurt you guys, they would likely make her look MORE unreasonable."
So that's my whole story, posted on the off-chance that it's helpful to anyone in a similar situation. If the legal minds here see glaring problems with the lawyer's take feel free to chip in (I hear you guys aren't shy...)
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stealth2
Under the Radar Member
I am always amused how the allegations of neglect, etc. usually only come out when a poster is displeased with the advice given.
I would suggest Dad start getting involved in the legalities of his situation. Create an account here (please do not share one), speak with an attorney himself, figure out how to get his kid and the homework, etc. Whatever did he do before you came on the scene?
I would suggest Dad start getting involved in the legalities of his situation. Create an account here (please do not share one), speak with an attorney himself, figure out how to get his kid and the homework, etc. Whatever did he do before you came on the scene?
Oh pumpkin, my ex had a "woman" just like you once. She was so cute. In fact, I still have fond memories of her and her lovely phone calls telling me how much better than me she was at everything related to my child. Your posts are reminding me of her. Aren't you cute too. So so cute 
Zigner
Senior Member, Non-Attorney
I suspect this wasn't a family law attorney, right? Absent something in the court order, the other parent doesn't have to "approve" of any caretaker that the parent chooses.
ETA: I will say that, other than that little gaffe, the attorney told you the same thing that we've all been telling you here.
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