summer vacation issues, complicated

[CJane]

CJANE, I welcome more feedback on ages of your children and exp. My daughter is court ordered to have expensive play therapy weekly upon dads' request...no less, because of longstanding issues she has with him. Play therapy has not helped much...a little, but not much...he doesn't change which is the deal and she flat doesn't like him in some ways...he's a weird dude and hurts her sometimes. I try to get her to like him, or at least respect him, but she is stubborn and her mind is her mind. I wish things were better...if it were up to me I'd want to split summers in half, but she has a hard time tolerating even a 2 week split. I bet its hard being away from your children for so long...but I admire you for the freedom.

My girls are 11.5 and 8.5. This is the first summer we've had split like this... in the past, we always kept the same (60/40) split except we each got 2 uninterrupted weeks w/the kids, which we notified the other parent of by May 1 (him) or May 15 (me).

This year, we each get 5 weeks, not necessarily consecutive and I had to notify him by May 1. Next year, he'll have to notify ME by May 1.

I took my time in a 4wk block w/one week at the end of summer. He took his all in one chunk. We could (and I think it would have been better for the girls) done 2wks on/2wks off +1 week each and that would have taken nearly all the summer. But he wanted a block and a block is what he got.

We'll see how the kids liked it when they come home next week. I KNOW they had a blast on my time, but they also did the enrichment program at school, had play dates, did a daycamp, took CPR training, took swimming lessons, spent time w/family and at the lake, played basketball, etc. PLUS we moved to a new house.

The biggest issue is my son. He's missed the he** out of his sisters and has taken to sleeping with a picture of them. Carries it EVERYWHERE with him.

 

[rosy]

I am sorry about your situation. I have also been down this road as well when dealing with aggressive opposing attorneys in court. My ex is also an attorney and it is very difficult to come to a resolution when attorneys are not being honest and they are more interested in winning than what is in the best interest of their child. When you deal with a tough attorney it is not in your best interest to be pro se. You do not know the legal system and you will be taken advantage of. If this attorney is deceitful as you say, then what makes you think that she will not take advantage of your lack of legal knowledge when you are pro se. She catches you off guard in the hall to rattle you even more. She is counting on the possibility that you will make a legal slip. Her job is too win for her client. You need legal protection. I would suggest getting a private attorney who is known to win cases. I know it costs money, but in the long run, it will give you peace of mind (look how much energy that you have spent on this issue) and you will have the visitation in place. Also, I would renegotiate the counseling sessions for your daughter. Find her a counselor/therapist that she likes, so she can heal. The bottom line is that you are feeling overwhelmed with this situation because you are in an area where you are uncertain what the rules and laws are. A wise friend once told me, "Why are you playing on his field when you do not know the game?" (meaning that he knows the legal arena; this is his area of knowledge) "Get off his field and let someone play who know the rules." Also, one other point. Keep every document that this attorney has given you and give it to your new attorney. Even clever manipulating attorneys slip up. As a pro se, you do have certain rights. She might have tried to take advantage of you illegally and you might not even be aware of it. A good attorney will catch it and if she has tried to taker advantage of you, then that attorney can be disbarred for unethical practices. Good luck.

 

[Silverplum]

As a pro se, you do have certain rights.

What rights??? (I assume you mean "special" rights, as opposed to the general rights every citzen of the USA has.)

Don't "advise" posters without being able to back up your "advice."

I await.

 

[rosy]

Thank you. You just validated my point. A good attorney will focus on a small insignificant detail such as 'certain rights", which is not the main issue. Is it "special" rights or "general" rights?" This is irrelevant to the discussion. My point was that you have to be very careful when you are without counsel. It is to your advantage to have an attorney represent you if you can. An opposing attorney must legally give you the same consideration whether you are represented by an attorney or pro se. Unfortunately, some attorneys take advantage of people without legal counsel. Therefore, document everything. My "advice" was given after contacting several top attorneys in the area.

As a side note: I do not respond to rudeness. There are more appropriate and professional ways, in which, to make your point.

 

[onebreath]

to Rosy

Thank you for everyone's posts. I am taking notes, saving the discussion, etc. Now I feel a bit timid about going prose....but I do feel I have to take issues to court, such as summer vacation, plus some other objective items I am considering, will post on soon - later.

I agree, Rosy, its not right to go against this kind of attorney, and yet, I have no funds. My parents helped me a lot the past few years I ran out of money. But things are complicated now...and I cannot just presume my father to pay my fee's when he doesn't get a ton of retirement money...already $ is complicated, given a trust in my dad's name when my mom passed, three siblings, different rules and ideas as to how money to be used and paid back, my dad using part of his own money to 'pay back' into the trust for me and one other sibling...to make things 'equal' for my mom's wishes, for when my dad dies...for the estate to be clean and clear...god bless him. I just will not ask for that kind of money...its inconceivable in many respects to south easterners the money spent here in metropolitan CA....and frankly, at a certain point I want to believe in justice and either I can represent myself around some basic objective issues or I can't....black and white...I can't do a lot worse than how things are now....and a judge with common sense can surely help even a little (forgetting its really the mediator who makes the decisions and I did get a crackball mediator last time....they need to go back to psych 101...I could do their job better...IF I didn't have someone (who?) breathing down my neck to always make xyz recommendations.

 

[onebreath]

vacation ideas

OK, I am back now from NC...great trip!!!...and ready to make some plans for better vacation times. Its looking like one week on and off in summer is the way to go.

However, I want to include that parents need to cooperate around extracurricular....how do I do that??? Does a activity need to be already set in place? We've cooperated around swimming for years....now 9 year old sick of swimming lessons and I am looking into soccer, or even a diving class (she is interested...only two weeks), and a on-going aikido class if she likes and will commit to. She is a physical girl and doesn't get much at school. Dad, per teachers' "suggestions" will not cooperate with enrolling daughter in any extracurricular activities during the school year. Alas, the summer....never know what he will say yes too...want to make sure I can expose her to different venues whenever she shows an interest...be it baseball or ballet. We both live in the same town.

So thats issue #1 with a week on and off in the summer...or any schedule perhaps...what can I ask for to do what is possible for child to engage in extra activities she shows interest in? Its a clear given in court records she needs therapy for past few years...major animosity towards dad...court ordered play therapy, etc....so I would hope a adult seeing this case would appreciate my desire for her to have her time with both parents AND get outside and make friends and develop whatever skills she may have for her future. (feedback ????)

LdiJ....it is PRESUMED on my part, and thanks for your statements as I realize should be incorporated into a court order....that utilizing a one week on and off in the summer it needs to be clear that the parent uses their visitation time for vacation time. In the case of a two week vacation (which I will probably always use for the NC trip), then we need to revert to the immediate 48 hour vacation time upon childs return, with the other parent. This schedule will ensure equality and the same rules for both parents.

CJane,
I look forward to hearing how you daughters fared....the schedule you had previously sounds exactly what I have now (with probably different scheduling days, etc)...as we have close to a 60/40 split and there is the two weeks each parent has. That is sweet, and probably helps the summer along, you have the son who adores his sisters so much he sleeps with the pictures...bless his heart...what a nice homecoming that will be. Lucky boy to have two older sisters he loves. I am curious, was it scheduling difficulties that moved change to the 50/50 time in the summer? Its clear one parent is far so that explains the split down the summer....what worked for you with the 60/40 split in the summer, and what didn't?

Also, do the May dates for announcing plans work or do you ever wish the dates were upped into April? I want to ask for the same thing.
***Problem with my ex, when its his year to announce dates (and we have the same date which is May 31st....when he chooses first he HAMMERS me for my time which I have tried to explain takes a couple of weeks.....but he doesn't listen alas need the diff dates) basically the man just lacks some basic common sense.

wiley bunch,
Thanks for the insight into play therapy. Perhaps I need to be more clear with my words...I am not sure if I should call what is going on play therapy or not. She see's a licensed therapist who is also a art therapist and so the basis is art which is up to daughter what she wants to do...they do some very creative things. I overhear them sometimes so the therapist definitely uses the time as a time to talk...although daughter reluctant...yet the art frees' her up enough sometimes she just talks away like she would to me...so I do like the art part.

I said in a prior post its helped some, but frankly, I am not sure its helped at all. Daughter has the same old issues with dad as always. Only difference is now its been years instead of a couple of years. Its become set in stone.
SOME HISTORY
Daughter reported abuse at dads house to her school teacher, who called CPS (still an open investigation though nothing has happened). When daughter talked to *therapist, she shared her intimacies with the therapist who has often encouraged daughter with "you can trust me", etcs. This one time daughter opens up. At the end of the session, therapist ask to speak to father alone. Daughter overhears and claims to me later a serious upset, that she "could hear everything and that therapist told father everything she had told therapist". My daughter is quite detail oriented and bright, articulate mentally and verbally...I believe her. The therapist claimed a "breakthrough" when I insisted...as it had been months...that daughter (with me present) address this breach of trust with therapist, and the therapist was very responsive. Daughter was super up front....daughter will probably never trust therapist again....
Now therapist wants to meet with me (as she does occasionally) to help gather the climate of daughters feelings, life, whats happening. I plan to be up front with therapist that daughter - in my eyes - shows no signs of warming up. This is her second therapist, the first also betrayed her. I have lost so much faith in 'professionals' I really have. But as its court ordered, it will take this therapist 'resigning herself' of her own volition, and hopefully, referring another good person.

Thanks for all the feedback. I have kind of focused questions on persons' who brought up specific subjects, but am certainly open to feedback on above from anyone.

Again, I do intent to take this back to court. I work when daughter in school but will plan periods when I can research and get help at the courthouse for filing, and when I get super clear on what to ask for will file, as it can take months and I don't want it to interfere with xmas time.

Thanks everyone...hope you are all enjoying the last of summer and the beginning of school days for yours' are smooth and peaceful.

Onebreath

 

[onebreath]

ADDENDUM TO previous post

Still mentally trying to resolve vacation issues with ex before filing papers for court.

Realization has come quickly, daughter has longstanding issues with dad....don't want to give her MORE time at this point, at any time...even the summer. Her play therapy has been court ordered as she has such conflicted relationship with her dad. Its been going on three years (with second therapist now around two years), and nothing has changed.

Its long and complicated, but she largely dispieses her dad. In the most recent custody eval update, back in '04, he stated that it is still a very ambivalent, love/hate relationship, and that no matter how much dad or I petition him, he would not change his visitation position. At that time daughter had less time than she has now...only with my agreement in court just previous to this update I was given an alternative to daughter having every Monday after school for 4 hours vs. just spending Sunday night into Monday am...and letting it go. I chose to let it go, giving dad more time and responsibility, and daughter more stability.

Since then, dad took me to court 2 and 1/2 years ago and the mediator (sorry seniors but this area of n. Calif DOES cater extensively to 50/50, no matter what) ruled child should have 50/50 time with dad, by some date back that year. I have never calculated, but have gone with the also court ordered play therapy....who has recommended daughter go back to schedule she had before the court date. As an addendum...this schedule was the ONLY time in daughters life she was happy, as well, therapist said in doing child therapy for 30 years, that she can see when a child really needs something. Dad disapproved so that was that, close to one year ago.

In addition, there is still an unresolved, pending CPS suit from months back where dad got violent with child. No proof, but an open case. Case worker super flakey around making an y appts with me, but his volatility an ongoing issue (heard bad story just the other day - daughter does not trust her dad).

Now daughter has a new school schedule, the only short day being Thursdays. What got changed in the last court date was dad getting every Thursday. Technically, I am her primary parent. But I carry all the weight and will spend time with her only on every other weekend. Her school is strict about sleeptimes and she does need a lot of sleep, so homework, some play, dinner, bath (father doesn't bath, do nails, shop for clothes for her, etc), bedtime reading and sleep by 8 pm. I feel I am doing all the work and he gets her short day every week plus less responsibilities.

I am considering how to take this aspect back to court. I know court doesn't care about any of this...plus the fact father absolutely refuses to coparent....always driving a deep wedge into his relationship with already alienated daughter.

I am considering requesting 1. That daughters first play therapist volunteered to be a special master (she has no children, is a newer therapist...now maybe 5 years...and has never acted as special master)....asking that she be special master. 1. She would be cheaper than a more experienced one, 2. she flat out told me she would listen to daughter and place her needs as paramount needs....

and 2. that our older custody evaluator, who performed a full fledged custody eval in 02, and has done 2 short updates (upon my requests in court) do another update. He listens to daughters, has all the tests, and may be frustrated that court has once again overriden his recomendations in so short a time. The last court they completly overrode his insights, in the name of quick CA child custody resolution - 50/50 no matter what.

Any feedback? I want my daughter to have a happy childhood, and her dad has become a hood over her...despite c oparent counselors advice...did not do individual therapy to learn how to relate to females...and its close to blown their relationship. I care about her happiness and just want someone to hear her needs. And if its dad not hearing her needs, I want her to have the chance to have more time with me, which is stable, teaching of manners - which she deeply needs, and taking care of her bodily needs.

Also want to ask for a change in holidays....that instead of majorly split holidays, that its just the alternating holiday day, and then regular visitation outside of that.

 

[CJane]

CJane,
I look forward to hearing how you daughters fared....the schedule you had previously sounds exactly what I have now (with probably different scheduling days, etc)...as we have close to a 60/40 split and there is the two weeks each parent has. That is sweet, and probably helps the summer along, you have the son who adores his sisters so much he sleeps with the pictures...bless his heart...what a nice homecoming that will be. Lucky boy to have two older sisters he loves. I am curious, was it scheduling difficulties that moved change to the 50/50 time in the summer?

We're operating under a new and slightly different parenting plan where school-year time was rearranged and summer time extended.

I know that the GAL and the judge were NOT happy that Ex insisted on the time being used in blocks - and the feeling is that a child should not spend more than 2 weeks w/out having contact w/the other parent. So, it was rearranged AGAIN into what I originally wanted which will be 2/2/1.

Its clear one parent is far so that explains the split down the summer....

No. We live about 1 mile from each other. And will for the foreseeable future since his relocation was just denied.

what worked for you with the 60/40 split in the summer, and what didn't?

I actually like the summer being on a completely different schedule. We had so much fun this summer, and with the 60/40 split we had previously, it was impossible to schedule enrichment programs or swimming lessons or anything like that unless their father was willing to participate as well and he rarely was. This way, I can schedule things on the blocks I know I'll have them and they can attend summer camps, etc.

Also, do the May dates for announcing plans work or do you ever wish the dates were upped into April? I want to ask for the same thing.

Well, it's a no later than thing so I could tell him in Jan what I'm using and that would be fine. I notified him really early last year because I had the girls signed up for summer camp in Feb. This year, he had veto power so we were rearranging til the last minute.