Summer visitation

[sytech]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

I have custody of my 10 year old son. He is supposed to go to Michigan to visit his Mom for summer visitation. She has already booked his tickets for him to visit. I have been telling his Mom that depending on wether or not he passed the TAKS test at his school he may or may not have to go to summer school. This year has been really hard for our son in school we (my wife and I ) have had to keep on our son more than the usual about keeping his grades up and making sure that he was turning in his homework. He seemed to be just lazy and slacking off....(doesn't suprise me). His attitude has been that if he fails he doesn't care very much an attitude he got from his Mom...if you all recall his last year in her custody he missed more than 28 days and never completed assignments ( the teacher said he almost never had his back pack with him and he was very unprepared). So he hasn't really been taught to be responsible for him self or his work. This was My second year with custody and he did ok our first year I did get on him but it really wasn't that bad. I am sure that most of you have this problem with your kids...I know that I am not the only one. The deal is that now that he has been reccomended for summer school I really feel that he should go. I talked to the teacher about other online tutoring programs that I could log on to check his progress on even if he were in Michigan but I really guaratee that his Mom will make him get on to do it. The only other thing I could offer is having him go to summer school and just having him go to Michigan later and him coming back later than planned. I have no problem with him going but he has known all this time that if he slacked off if he wasn't getting his work done that he had the possibility of going to summer school my wife and I tried everything tutoring had him tested for ADD and other learning disabilities to no avail. He has had tutoring all year we asked for him to also be put in classes for extra help and school we emailed the teacher on a weekly sometimes daily basis. We explained to him that he needed to get his act together and the importance of what would happen if he didn't. We explained that if he didn't get it together that he would have to go to summer school and it might affect visitation with his mom for the summer, we have explained that there would be consequences for not getting his work done. Its been a really long year for us. We have met with the vice principle, counsler, and both of his teachers on numerous times and we even implemented a rewards system for him at school and at home and nothing seemed to work. At this point he obviously wants to go with his mom for the time frame we had previously arranged but I really feel that he needs to be in summer school.

He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and I feel that if we let him skip out of summer school he is going to think that its ok to continue on the path he is on that he will continue to be irresponsible.

I dont know that mom is going to agree with me so I just need some suggestions. I would be willing to pay to change any plane tickets or whatever costs are associated with changing the prior plans. You guys always have great ideas and I would like to have your input prior to talking to her.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Addressing more the issue of "not getting the homework done": Does the child seem to have difficulty concentration or staying focused? Does everything around seem to distract the child? Is the child creative?

I'm giving you a website called www.flylady.net. You'll have to look around but there is a control journal for students. It focuses on learning to build a routine to learn to be successful. It helps the "disorganized" become more organized.

Especially since you are willing to work with the situation so that mom doesn't lose time, I personally think it's a good thing to send a child to summer school in this situation. So, he goes later in the summer.

Logical consequences.

 

[sytech]

Not really a hard time concentrating

Its more of rushing through the work. He loves to read and so from what the teachers tell me he rushes through the work to finish his tests even at home he does this. Good thing is that I always check his work so I mark incorrect work and have him redo it. He is very disorganized. I go on a monthly basis to clean his desk out at school. I also clean his back pack out on a regular basis. He has an agenda notebook he refuses to fill out what his assignments are in it. We have even started one where I have to sign off on it. Honestly there is absolutly no reason that he should ever make under a 70 on anything because anytime he does he is given the opportunity to make it up. He has a tuesday take home folder that comes home every week he was taking any work where he made under a 70 and hiding them under the bed (My wife found them). So the teacher started stapling all his papers together putting a sticky note on them with the number of papers that were sent home and I would have to sign the sticky and send it back with any makeup work. I've explained to him that all he needs to do is correct any under 70 papers and turn them in and his answer to that was that it takes too much time. Honestly, I feel like I've tried everything.I have playstation, wii's, Dsi's and any and all games if not educational are off limits during the week. Playing games is a priviledge to be earned in my home. I am very much a for every action there is a reaction type of person and I feel it is time for him to really learn what that means. My fear is that if we let him go when he wants without summer school that I will have the same issues again next year. I feel like if we follow through with summer school it will give him some iniciative to do better next year because he wont want to go to summer school and he will see that we will follow through with consequences. I will check out the website you suggested. At this point I will try anything to help him. Thanks.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I'm going to say that this website is even more important than I thought. The basic tennents is:
1. You need routines
2. That perfectionism helps make poor choices

They basically breakdown the month by zones so that you focus on only one area at a time. You can do the same thing to a room and break it down. For example, Mondays, you strip down a bed and make it. Tuesday, you clear and FILE everything off a desk. Wednesday, I clear everything off the dressers and dust. Thursday, I make sure everything is off the floors and thrown away. Fridays, I make sure the closet is organised and dirty clothes are sorted to be washed over the weekend. You get the drift. No area should take more than 15 minutes at a time.

Make use of a timer - it really helps.

Have sticky notes on the bathroom mirror to help with the routines.

 

[stealth2]

Its more of rushing through the work. He loves to read and so from what the teachers tell me he rushes through the work to finish his tests even at home he does this. Good thing is that I always check his work so I mark incorrect work and have him redo it. He is very disorganized. I go on a monthly basis to clean his desk out at school. I also clean his back pack out on a regular basis. He has an agenda notebook he refuses to fill out what his assignments are in it. We have even started one where I have to sign off on it. Honestly there is absolutly no reason that he should ever make under a 70 on anything because anytime he does he is given the opportunity to make it up. He has a tuesday take home folder that comes home every week he was taking any work where he made under a 70 and hiding them under the bed (My wife found them). So the teacher started stapling all his papers together putting a sticky note on them with the number of papers that were sent home and I would have to sign the sticky and send it back with any makeup work. I've explained to him that all he needs to do is correct any under 70 papers and turn them in and his answer to that was that it takes too much time.

Uuuuh... and you are surprised that he has no sense of responsibility? Why should he be organized? Daddy will do it for him! At 10, it is HIS job to clean out his locker and backpack. You can sit with him and make sure he does it - and help him organize what's in them. But just go and do it for him? Sweet deal for the kid!

Yes, many parents/kids go through this. The key is to hold them responsible and teach them how to organize themselves, their priorities and their time. What I told my son was that it would actually take much less time to do it right the first time. Otherwise, time is wasted (a) hiding it, (b) being caught, (c) being yelled at/reprimanded/told off/etc., and (d) having to redo the blasted thing anyway! Also that life would be much more pleasant for all three of us if I didn't get hit with these unpleasant surprises, because my first reaction is to yell. And boy can I yell! (Although I suspect both kids found it somewhat amusing to watch me stomp around the kitchen, slamming cabinets and pans, sounding like a bloody sailor!)

Every conference regarding this issue included his teacher, his guidance counselor, me and him. He was fully included in coming up with solutions, how to follow through on them, and what the consequences (*) were if he didn't.

(*) Frankly, losing "stuff" never bothered him. The most important thing was something that I would never in a million years use as punishment - and he *knew* it. I would never take a book away from him.

His biggest issue with work - homework, tests, classwork - was that he was bored witless in those classes, even though they were higher track and he had G&T pullouts. What I explained to him was how doing poorly in his classes at the elementary & middle school level would affect his choices in HS, and ultimately college. If he didn't do his best, he would be stuck in lower or average track classes in HS. If he just did what he was asked to do, he'd have the option to take Honors and AP classes. Which would, in turn, afford him the opportunity to go to the college of his choice (rather than whoever accepted him) and study what HE was interested in. THAT was the spark that went off in his head. He sucked it up through the lower grades, and has spent his HS career in all upper-level classes, having the teachers who would make him think and broaden his horizons. In September, he will be attending his first-choice university with a double major in the two areas he's most interested in. With a nearly full ride.

That could be your son. Engage him in finding the solution. Don't blame his mother - he's having problems in school with you, too. The two of you are on opposite parenting spectra - she's too hands-off, you seem to be too hands-on. So the blame-game is meaningless.

And do NOT punish mother or son with summer visitation. That will bite you big time. As it should.

 

[MichaCA]

That was just beautiful Stealth! I love how you figured out how to work with/inspire your son. I am going to do the same thing. Thank you for sharing that!

MichaCA

 

[LdiJ]

I thought I would throw something out there that hasn't been mentioned by anyone except the OP. The ncp mom has already purchased the tickets for the child to visit this summer and apparently those dates conflict with summer school.

If summer school is "recommended" vs "required" dad is going to need mom's cooperation in this decision. Part of that cooperation may mean that dad will need to help with any costs associated with changing the tickets.

 

[The_Non-Mom]

What about having Son go to summer school in Mom's area?

 

[wnbama]

Add / adhd

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

I have custody of my 10 year old son. He is supposed to go to Michigan to visit his Mom for summer visitation. She has already booked his tickets for him to visit. I have been telling his Mom that depending on wether or not he passed the TAKS test at his school he may or may not have to go to summer school. This year has been really hard for our son in school we (my wife and I ) have had to keep on our son more than the usual about keeping his grades up and making sure that he was turning in his homework. He seemed to be just lazy and slacking off....(doesn't suprise me). His attitude has been that if he fails he doesn't care very much an attitude he got from his Mom...if you all recall his last year in her custody he missed more than 28 days and never completed assignments ( the teacher said he almost never had his back pack with him and he was very unprepared). So he hasn't really been taught to be responsible for him self or his work. This was My second year with custody and he did ok our first year I did get on him but it really wasn't that bad. I am sure that most of you have this problem with your kids...I know that I am not the only one. The deal is that now that he has been reccomended for summer school I really feel that he should go. I talked to the teacher about other online tutoring programs that I could log on to check his progress on even if he were in Michigan but I really guaratee that his Mom will make him get on to do it. The only other thing I could offer is having him go to summer school and just having him go to Michigan later and him coming back later than planned. I have no problem with him going but he has known all this time that if he slacked off if he wasn't getting his work done that he had the possibility of going to summer school my wife and I tried everything tutoring had him tested for ADD and other learning disabilities to no avail. He has had tutoring all year we asked for him to also be put in classes for extra help and school we emailed the teacher on a weekly sometimes daily basis.. We explained to him that he needed to get his act together and the importance of what would happen if he didn't. We explained that if he didn't get it together that he would have to go to summer school and it might affect visitation with his mom for the summer, we have explained that there would be consequences for not getting his work done. Its been a really long year for us. We have met with the vice principle, counsler, and both of his teachers on numerous times and we even implemented a rewards system for him at school and at home and nothing seemed to work. At this point he obviously wants to go with his mom for the time frame we had previously arranged but I really feel that he needs to be in summer school.

He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and I feel that if we let him skip out of summer school he is going to think that its ok to continue on the path he is on that he will continue to be irresponsible.

I dont know that mom is going to agree with me so I just need some suggestions. I would be willing to pay to change any plane tickets or whatever costs are associated with changing the prior plans. You guys always have great ideas and I would like to have your input prior to talking to her.

How long ago was the testing and who did the testing? Have you taken him to a doctor to see if it could be anything else?

Not really a hard time concentrating

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its more of rushing through the work. He loves to read and so from what the teachers tell me he rushes through the work to finish his tests even at home he does this. Good thing is that I always check his work so I mark incorrect work and have him redo it. He is very disorganized. I go on a monthly basis to clean his desk out at school. I also clean his back pack out on a regular basis. He has an agenda notebook he refuses to fill out what his assignments are in it. We have even started one where I have to sign off on it. Honestly there is absolutly no reason that he should ever make under a 70 on anything because anytime he does he is given the opportunity to make it up. He has a tuesday take home folder that comes home every week he was taking any work where he made under a 70 and hiding them under the bed (My wife found them). So the teacher started stapling all his papers together putting a sticky note on them with the number of papers that were sent home and I would have to sign the sticky and send it back with any makeup work. I've explained to him that all he needs to do is correct any under 70 papers and turn them in and his answer to that was that it takes too much time. Honestly, I feel like I've tried everything.I have playstation, wii's, Dsi's and any and all games if not educational are off limits during the week. Playing games is a priviledge to be earned in my home. I am very much a for every action there is a reaction type of person and I feel it is time for him to really learn what that means. My fear is that if we let him go when he wants without summer school that I will have the same issues again next year. I feel like if we follow through with summer school it will give him some iniciative to do better next year because he wont want to go to summer school and he will see that we will follow through with consequences. I will check out the website you suggested. At this point I will try anything to help him. Thanks.

The bolded is EXACTLY the way my son is with school. He is ADHD on meds etc. However, I DO NOT do all that for him. I make him do it. It took us going through ALOT of meds before we found one that worked for him to be able to focus in class. If I was you I would have him retested.

 

[stealth2]

I thought I would throw something out there that hasn't been mentioned by anyone except the OP. The ncp mom has already purchased the tickets for the child to visit this summer and apparently those dates conflict with summer school.

If summer school is "recommended" vs "required" dad is going to need mom's cooperation in this decision. Part of that cooperation may mean that dad will need to help with any costs associated with changing the tickets.

OP has stated that he will cover the difference.