supervised visitation??? HELP!

[mattyndavidsmom]

bully

Yes, he is a bully and that is what my attorney said ... to make him come to Utah. It's hard to stand up to somebody who says that they are going to "put you six feet under the sand". My boyfriend doesn't understand why I am still so afraid of him either. I guess after 13 years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse....it's hard to shake. You lose a lot of yourself

 

[casa]

Yes, he is a bully and that is what my attorney said ... to make him come to Utah. It's hard to stand up to somebody who says that they are going to "put you six feet under the sand". My boyfriend doesn't understand why I am still so afraid of him either. I guess after 13 years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse....it's hard to shake. You lose a lot of yourself

Your concerns are valid if you were involved in DV in the past.

When you file in court (or when Dad files in court) make sure you file the e-mails you have from him. Let his calls go to voice mail/ans. machine and then if he threatens you- those can be used as evidence as well. That will be documentation you need to convince the judge to order supervised visits.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

thank you

That's what I will do. I have emails and letters (since I started saving them anyway) as well as medical records. I just don't want to end up like the mom who lost her son to her mom???? I could never let that happen. And to let it go on 7 years??? I will do whatever is necessary to keep my son safe, healthy and happy. And if it's supervised visitation, then that's what I'll do. I don't have the money either, but I will beg, borrow and plead to get what I need to protect my family. I have a 17 year old who lived through 10 years of his abuse....my fault for staying in the relationship. I did not put him or his brother first. Well this time I am. I see how it has affected my older son and I won't let my ex do this to my son.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, he is a bully and that is what my attorney said ... to make him come to Utah. It's hard to stand up to somebody who says that they are going to "put you six feet under the sand". My boyfriend doesn't understand why I am still so afraid of him either. I guess after 13 years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse....it's hard to shake. You lose a lot of yourself

One of the reasons why I have been disagreeing a bit with other advice that you have received is because I really do believe that its important to stand up to a bully/abuser. Not just for your own sake, but for the sake of the children as well. They need to see that life is not all about making the bullies happy. You need to break that cycle of dysfunction.

You shouldn't agree to do something out of fear. You should do it either because its the right thing legally, or because its in the best interest of your child. Your attorney is also giving you similar advice.

If you are willing to make the occasional phone call, then fine, you can do that. But don't do it just because you are scared of him. You don't want your son to believe that using force or intimidation is the way to control women.

Your attorney gave you two options...either sit back and wait for him to file (and he may or may not file) or file for supervised visits. There are pros and cons to either method.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

which is best?

I see your point about the bullying. I never thought about it that way. Cause it does get to the point sometimes where I tell my son to make the call so that I don't get in trouble by his dad. He loves his dad and I won't take that away....he has to find out all by himself what his dad is truly like. I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

So which is best? To sit back and wait or to go ahead and be active? I don't want any chance of losing him. And yes, I tend to give in cause I am afraid .... which I am right now. I need to stop letting him do this to me. But I want to do the best thing legally for my son and not endanger my sole custody.

 

[casa]

I see your point about the bullying. I never thought about it that way. Cause it does get to the point sometimes where I tell my son to make the call so that I don't get in trouble by his dad. He loves his dad and I won't take that away....he has to find out all by himself what his dad is truly like. I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

So which is best? To sit back and wait or to go ahead and be active? I don't want any chance of losing him. And yes, I tend to give in cause I am afraid .... which I am right now. I need to stop letting him do this to me. But I want to do the best thing legally for my son and not endanger my sole custody.

Financially, waiting is best for you. You are not going to 'get into trouble' since your court order doesn't state you must allow calls or that you must send son to Alaska for visitation. So, legally, if he doesn't 'agree' to come see son in Utah, you don't have to allow son to travel to Alaska.

Waiting will allow you time to research filings in Utah. Find out if they fee waivers (if your income qualifies) or any Pro Bono or Legal Aid help. Otherwise, if you have documentation (emails/letters) and these include threats or evidence of Dad's instability- they would be enough to defend your position in court if he filed against you.

He has to come to Utah to file (expensive) and be in Utah for any/all court appearances (expensive)...so first see if he's serious about actually being involved in the child's life again.