term of "step" parent

[PoohBear8]

i've been reading the posts for almost 2 months now and was just wondering....where did the term "step" parent come from? i do not feel like a sm. i do just as much, if not more, for our children, than their "bm" and she is the cp. also, many of the posts indicate the sp should stay out of the "affairs" (can't think of the right word right now) between the cp and the ncp. why is that? some say we are not "involved", but if something needs done and cp and ncp aren't available (ncp has to work to pay the cs), then it is quite all right to have the sp take care it. if we are not involved, then why is it ok to have us take care of things?
i know i will hear the wrath, but i would like to hear some opinions. there is no need to become irate.
let me clarify something. when i say i don't feel like a sm, i don't mean i don't want the children around or anything like that. i love them dearly and would lay down my life for them. all i meant is that i feel like i am an additional parent. just because i did not give birth to them doesn't mean that i shouldn't count.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

i've been reading the posts for almost 2 months now and was just wondering....where did the term "step" parent come from? i do not feel like a sm. i do just as much, if not more, for our children, than their "bm" and she is the cp. also, many of the posts indicate the sp should stay out of the "affairs" (can't think of the right word right now) between the cp and the ncp. why is that? some say we are not "involved", but if something needs done and cp and ncp aren't available (ncp has to work to pay the cs), then it is quite all right to have the sp take care it. if we are not involved, then why is it ok to have us take care of things?
i know i will hear the wrath, but i would like to hear some opinions. there is no need to become irate.

My response:

The term "stepparent" finds its genesis in early case law, around 1890. All it means is the spouse of one's mother or father by a subsequent marriage.

As far as the rest of your post, we have argued that issue until I'm blue in the face - - for 2 years - - on these forums. I will not engage the same argument any longer. Old contributors know my views, and my views are based on law - - not the "emotional" arguments that most writers wish to discuss and argue on threads such as this.

So, all I can tell you is to do some research on these forums by running a "search", and read whatever you like, and take the "stand" that you feel most comfortable in taking. But, again, I will no longer engage this type of question.

Good luck to you.

IAAL

 

[tigger22472]

It's like I've said over and over... as a step-parent..... (especially mothers) we are like live in nannys. It's ok for us to do the laundry, make their meals, help them do homework, tend to them when they are sick and everything else a mother does for her child but when it comes to the courts eyes we have no say. I've learned that it's usually best to just try to stay out of matter that involve anything as far as support or things in the decree. The BM and I in my situation get along great and have no problems. I think alot of that has to do with when there was a problem I would say "You're her parents, do what you want, but this is my opinion." I would be heard but let it known that as their parents it was their decision to make in the end. As a step-mom I do get angry with other step-parents who use the words "us" and "we." ("She is taking US back to court." "What should WE do.") However when the birth-parent isn't involved(as in my other case) it's not as a big deal to me but in the end when I go to court... it is ME that is taken to court and no one else. Some step-parents try to take over the role of the parent when the other parent is still in the picture. Single parenting is hard enough as it is, it's just best if everyone can get along and support each other.

 

[Grandma B]

It's true that being a stepparent is all work and no say; however, becoming a "step" is by no means obligatory. Those who aren't willing to abide by the rules should not put themselves in this category.

 

[djnancy]

Both Sides

While I was married to my ex-husband I was the stepmother to his children from his first marriage. He is now in his third marriage so our children have a stepmother. (How did life get so complicated?)

I can understand both sides. I worked hard during our marriage to provide his children with a good home, despite our marital differences. I work hard now to provide our children with the best home possible. I believe on both sides the only thing that the step parent is entitled to by the other side is respect. I chose to be with a man who had other children. I stayed out of any battles between him and his ex or any battles with the children over their mother. I would express my opinions to my ex in the privacy of our room. However, I made it clear to the children that I will respect them and that is all I expect in return. I teach our children that they are to respect their new step mother. It's hard sometimes because there is a natural jealousy about sharing children. I still have respect from his other children because I gave them respect. And believe me this means more now that they are grown than anything they could have said to me while I was their parent.

My ex made a comment recently about his wife being inconvienced by me. That made me mad because she (as I did) chose to marry a man with children. My boyfriend has been inconvienced due to this situation but he chose to be with me. However, my boyfriend has no right to make a comment to my ex because he chose to walk into this situation. He has every right to make whatever comments he wants to me and trust me he does. I then have the option to talk with their father or work it out between my boyfriend and I.

Again, the key word is respect...to both the new spouse, the children, the ex, etc.

 

[PoohBear8]

respect

i agree with you about the respect. yes, i knew about the children when i got involved with husband. however, his ex gives neither one of us respect and is always dragging me in to the battle, but then turns around and says it doesn't involve me. then don't bring me into it. the children give my husband and i more respect than they do their mother. DO NOT blame this on us. we have taught them that they are to show respect to others. and they do, when they are with us.

 

[haiku]

its just a name, maybe not an attractive name, but what can we do...

really the people to blame for this are the fairy tale writers, all those evil stepmothers and sisters.....

Alot of women bashing going on there.....

legally the questions been answered 10 times over.

We have to take a back seat, if you cant accept that, you gonna come up against a brick wall.but, remember behind the closed door of YOUR home, you should have a voice....

I am a mom and stepmom and it really doesnt bother me when step parents use "us" and "we" if they are normal, they are not taking over, it is just when you are in a marriage what affects your spouse affects you.

As long as I am not in anyones face while in court,or elsewhere, (i am much to busy raising my OWN child)and I have yet to ever orchestrate anything between us, she usually does that on her own. if my "wife-in-law" has a problem with me being around she needs to get over herself. in my case, It is a control issue, she is just a person who has to be in charge, and make people jump through hoops. if she was a stepmother she would be one of those controlling stepmoms who says "we" and "I" in a possesive "get custody away from mom" way. Really, I see the same person in the exwife who cant move on and the stepmom complaining about the mothering skills of the mom.


My husband always considers me when considering his children, all his children, hers and mine. legally and morally he always does whats right. Why would I want to be married to a puppet-hers, mine or anyone elses?

Being a stepparent is tough, but it doesnt mean you have to get stepped on!

And I agree, you can discuss the emotions of this till you're blue in the face, and the arguement will never end.

 

[tigger22472]

The way I stopped BM from dragging me into things was a letter. She called our house once(a little over a year ago when her and BD weren't exactly on friendly terms) and brought up something that was in their decree to me when he wasn't home. I continually over and over told her that was between them and not to bring me into it because I didn't want in the middle of it yet she kept going on and on. In the end she screamed "you're already in the middle of it" and hung up on me. Obviously I was very mad for I was trying to do the right thing by staying out of things and the first letter I wrote her wasn't a nice one to say the least(thank goodness I didn't give her that one). After he talked to her and HE had it out with her I revised the letter. I let her know my position and how I stood on things and told her ANYTIME she needed me to help with something with their daughter(or even her own son) I was only a phone call away but anything to do with their divorce or the decree to talk to him about. I left this letter on her counter one day when I went to pick up her daughter. The letter was never discussed but I'm sure she read it and things have been GREAT since. She does include me in a lot of the decision making now and I allow it ONLY if both parents are ok with it. She lets the school know that if they need help with something and she can't do it because of her job just to simply call me and she knows I'd be willing. In fact just tonight I'm working at step-daughters school carnival. You hit it right on the head when it comes to RESPECT. I respect the fact that step-daughter has TWO parents in which I am not one of them and BM respects that this is my home and that her daughter is treated no different then my Bio-children.

 

[tammy8]

The head was hit on the nail with the word respect! I personally have no problem from my stepkids yet........ These kids are the light of my life! I just wish for respect from bm and society as a whole. Why don't we legally have any rights to the kids? They live under my roof as much as they do bm's. I also do as much for them as bm, both emotionally and financially.

BTW I also consider anything said to be a "we" thing, because "we" are a family be it with my stepkids or just with my husband. If it wouldn't have been a "we" thing, than what was the point of even getting married?

 

[PoohBear8]

tammy8

your situation sounds pretty similar to mine and i feel the same way about my "stepchildren". "we" are a family also and what involves my husband involves me. when he hurts, i hurt right along with him. legally though, don't count on things to ever change.
but you are exactly right about the bm and society as a whole, but thank goodness there are exceptions.

 

[dhansen]

my 2 cents worth

I too am a step-mom to four wonderful children that live in our home. When I made the choice to become a wife, I also made the choice to become a mother, and I have been a darn good one. I spend far more time with these kids than their BM, I work full time to help provide for them, and I along with their dad provide them with a loving, happy, healthy home. My husband's ex doesn't just take him to court she takes "US" to court. I have earned the right to be there, and I have fought hard to make sure that my voice is heard. I have been involved in mediation, I have been involved in working with the Guardian Ad Litem's office to make sure that our children are safe when thay are with their BM, and I have helped my husband be fully prepared whenever we step foot in the courtroom. I love, honor and fully respect every single member of my household, and they feel the same way about me. I would love it if my children's BM would step up and take over some of the responsibilities of contributing to the well being of her children. I would love it if we could work together and be, if not friends, two mature adults working toward the same goal - happy strong children. I have tried more times than I can count to extend the olive branch, so to speak, but at this time in her life she is not ready to put her children first, so I do my best to work with the situation as it is. I do not ever disrespect my husbands ex in any way, not in front of the children and not to her directly. When she tries to pick a fight, I stay calm and end the conversation. I do not fight back ever. The only thing I do is document everything honestly and accuarately and let her actions speak for themselves. I always refer to court issues as "us" and "we" because it is my family that is being affected, not just my husband and his ex-wife.

 

[PoohBear8]

dhansen

couldn't have said it any better than you did. i too, am an excellent mother to our children, even the bm's family has said so.
as you know, documentation is a must. one of the bigger problems we have is that bm always wants the children present whenever she wants to argue. my husband tells them to go in the house or get in the car, but she will physically keep them right there. my husband won't argue in front of the children, so nothing gets resolved unless we go to court...she won't do what her attorney advises even when it will come out the same way in court.
just like you, i help my husband prepare for court and accompany him there also.
thanks for the post.

 

[alphagirlzk]

I am a step mother and when I first became one I laid down these rules so that I would not get trampled on. This is dh's child and he is soley responsible for her. If I want to do things for her, that is up to me and no one else. I will not be the babysitter and I will not be used. so far it has really worked out and we both are not stressed over the whole I do so much and get no credit. I love my sd like my own, but I refuse to be used.

 

[blidiot]

I think that most people who choose to be step-parents are angels in disguise. (Yes, I'm biased because I am one!)

After all, who in their right mind would marry someone who has already experienced one bad relationship (at least), has kids who are not your kids, and may still be battling with the ex over all these issues? What idiot is willing to be the emotional and/or financial bedrock of the family (in many cases)?

Step-parents are! We are willing to nurture and support our partner's children, and then be told by them, and everyone else, that we have no voice in what happens to them. We are repeatedly targeted as the bad guys by the "other side." (I'm certain that some people think that if we hadn't been around, the other relationship would still be intact.) The kids often turn to the other parent(s) if we make an unpopular decision.

However, if you think about it. Raising stepchildren is no different than raising your own kids. Many of the same issues arise when kids try to be independent and rebellious.

Step-parents are anchors for families that have been broken up by other stresses. I know that my step-kids look up to me as an example, even if they don't openly acknowledge it.

Take Heart! We are angels!

 

[tigger22472]

I reminded BM that she should be happy that I'm around because when they were fighting he came up with some WILD things to get even with her and I talked sense into him pointing out that if he did such and such she could do such and such and in the end his daughter was the one suffering. I pointed a few of these things out to BM so she had a few examples of things that he wanted to do. I also pointed out not to espect me to back her in the legal area but that I would try to smooth things over to make them better. Her husband does the same to her. Some parents just don't understand that it's the step-parents that usually have the level head about things. They haven't lived with the other person and had the hard feelings so they see things a bit more clearer. I'm just SOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO lucky on that side. I've said over and over I know the reason BM and her husband and us get along so well is that my SO is the only one of the four of us that haven't been through the wringer with an ex and so we try to make it as easy as we can with this relationship.