term of "step" parent

[smh33]

The reason steps have no legal rights is because it is not the step's bio child. Divorce, separation does not mean one gives up thier fundamental rights as a parent...the adults parted,ended a relation..not the parent and child. Also, as much concern as there is over steps and liability for cs......if steps want a legal say they must also accept the other legal obligations, such as liability of child's financial support,etc...Mainly though, because a step chose a relationship with the adult parent, this does not afford any rights to the child and what a mess it would be if step and bio divorced. You just have to think if you are a step feeling you deserve legal rights to a sc, would you reversely feel that your bio child's step should have any legal rights over your bio child simply because they chose your ex as a partner? Courts support steps staying out of things because courts feel otherwise it is creating a situation that advocates a bio parent not being involved...courts do not want to see steps pursuing the best interest of a child as that is bio parents obligation and let's face it...there are many parents who would be happy to release thier parental obligation to someone else...they don't want to see stepmoms in court against a bio mom requesting more visitation for bio dad. I think it is different for stepmoms vs. stepdads simply due to the accepted standard of man = provider & woman is caretaker of home,family. I can definately see how for a step mom the parenting responsibility is greater than for a stepdad which is probably why we see so many sm post and few sd posts...the woman is more involved daily with the actual parenting role. Also women,childen,emotions...you know. I say it is great for sm to have loving,parent like relation w/ a schild,especially if it is the custodial home but must always respect that as a step, you are not the bm. And you would not want a 3rd party to step on your toes if you were the bm. I think as far as a sm's input,doing things for child...partly sm has to look to dad for that issue as it is dad placing that demand of your efforts, not the bm. People can blast me for this but men are runners and women are generally more fighters...so I think sometimes the underlying conflict results from dad being passive and once sm enters picture...she offers input to dad and motivates dad to 'fight' some existing issues...this of course does not sit well with bm. Also for those women who can't move on, think it is thorn in side to see another woman have influence over the man, influence perhaps they never had.

 

[LISAMARIENJ]

i THINK THAT IS A CROCK! jUST BECAUSE SHE IS THIER BM, I AM THE ONE WHO CARES FOR THEM 24HRS A DAY,I PICKED UP THE PIECES WHEN SHE LEFT HER 18MONTH OLD BABY AND HER 3YR OLD DAUGHTER. sHE PAYS NOTHING i FINANCIALLY AND PHYSICALLY SUPPORT THESE BABIES. sO WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE MORE RIGHT,IF SHE WANTED MORE RIGHT SHE SHOULD HAVE NEVER ABANDONED THEM

 

[tigger22472]

I totally agree with you smh33. I also think some bio-parents don't seem to realize also that a step parent can smooth things over if everyone can get along. Yes 99.9% that sp is going to support the bio-parent but they also see things more clearly. They generally don't have a past with the other parent and therefore are less vindictive. My boyfriend and his ex have discussed before my place in their daughters life. They both realize that if something were to ever happen to our relationship I would still have to be a part of their daughters life. As step-parents that have bio-parents involved in the lives we have to realize where our place is. Bio-parents also have to or should give step-parents a chance to do for their child. My sd also knows that she can count on either one of her parents and both sp's for ANYTHING. The only thing bio-mom has said to me is that she could never accept for her daughter to call me mom. I personally would have no problem my children calling someone else mom but I respect her wishes. On the other hand I would like for sd to feel comfortable enough to call me that if she felt she wanted to. Just the other day I felt so bad because sd told her mom that she called me mom the other day. I jumped in and made some comment about how she called me all kinds of people before getting it right like children tend to do sometimes. I didn't want bm to feel bad. I figure this is a discussion they can have later and I asked sd to not tell her mom at least for a while if she does it again.

 

[haiku]

Shanney you are sooo right!

 

[smh33]

Shanney...I agree with your points...coming from the step side of the fence, but think that is the point....bio's have an equal arguement, complaints coming from thier side of the fence...what's the answer????? Sadly, as you are example....it seems from my experiances that once the battle lines are crossed so to speak...(ie..a step helping bio fight back,etc)no matter which side initiates.....it's a life commitment to war.....there doesn't seem to be any place of commonground. No matter which way you go on a given issue, there will be some kind of problem or future retaliation...what did you say?? 8 years now? I have a non friendly relation with my son's stepmom and from this side I have no answers either.....At present I have vacation coming up w/ son to Carib island. All is known, agreed except sm refuses to give me son's passport, ex agrees. Told me to get my own for son,right? Yes, we can make due w/ bc if needed, but not point...why? What's the point in refusing the passport? I feel problem's core is the bio, the step, the cp,ncp..thier relation..from there..?????? People are all so different, add emotions, family,kids,hurt,jealousy........ I know many may disagree but I do think a more fair custody/support system would help relations between all.

 

[smh33]

I know exactly what you are saying and will be first to say a big part of any possible success is people being able to 'take the high road'...you know accept the kindness, accept the whole situation. It means nothing if you make the effort of nuetrality if the other party does not accept or return. As a bio w/ sm wish I could give you some insight to bm's attitude but mine is different, as I am one who has attepted some type of peace, not sm like you. Just when I think it might be working, getting better....there is always something out of the blue, right back where we started...even if it doesn't lead to court, it promises to be a several letter,phone call,etc thing, you know. And I think same...after a time, isn't there more to thier lives,how much energy do they devote to bitterness,vindictiveness or whatever the drive is? I don't get it either. One thought, to be very honest...not to present an excuse for anyone's bad behavior but in trying to figure out my own problems with a sm...the feeling crossed my thoughts more than once, a little type of fear....like accepting the sm and approving/encouraging her mother role was admitting I might not be enough, a good mom, sorta a guilt of allowing another to care for your children, no mother would give up her child to hand of another,etc....I don't know if that makes sense to anyone...it's not the reason sm and I have bad relations....just sharing thoughts and possiblities for what impedes so many steps and bios. ..

 

[haiku]

To me its a control issue, plain and simple, whether mother or stepmother, (I use the womens roles, because that is who we seem to be focusing on here). they all seem to doing the same things only under different names.There are a lot of times I can read a post here and easily change the dynamics from "I am the bio-mom" to "I am the step-mom" and it still makes perfect sense.

Thier need to control everyone and everything in thier universe overides common sense in alot of situations.I know of people in intact first marriages like this, my mother-in-law for one, if there is n't a crisis she will manufacture one. If someone in her world is happy, she is not! And if you are not with her, your against her! And the tune changes every week...

Energy that would be better spent strengthening the bonds between your current spouse or S/O and with the children, is wasted in (usually) useless and petty battles. Also some people cannot seem to function in life without crisis and chaos.

Learning to deal with this sort of person can be a difficult process, but can be done.

 

[PoohBear8]

i can't believe people think that a sp doesn't have any financial responsibility for their sc. i beg to differ. when cse says there is more disposable income because another person lives in the house, i take that as now i am being held financially responsible for my sc. i'm sure most others who have had this happen feel the same way. the disposable income is a bunch of bull. my husband would have almost the same household expenses if i weren't living there. the mortgage and utility companies wouldn't cut the bill in half if i left. having been married to bd for almost 11 years and obviously having a relationship before our marriage, i think my sc as well as myself would be totally devastated if something happened to bd and bm would not let us see each other, which is what she would probably do.
it may depend on if it is her dr. jekyll or mr. hyde day...lol...i say lol, but that's the way she is. she can even be like that in one conversation.
enough for now.

 

[smh33]

I think the convo focuses on bm/sm because thats where usually the problem lies. I don't really ever hear of a biodad and stepdad having major conflict except where the women s/o of thse the men are invovled. It is power but I think also human nature. Women protect thier own and a woman cannot play role of 'mom' without assuming emotions of being 'mom'. Shanney,bm may bait you because if you respond on her level it justifies her actions, her bad feelings,threat of you.....maybe or she may just be irrationally angery at the world....

 

[PoohBear8]

shanney

i have found the best way to deal with bm is to kill her with kindness. it really keeps her off kilter. don't get me wrong, if she "confronts" me or my hubby (i do a lot of the pick-ups and drop-offs, because there are times when my hubby has to work some overtime), i don't just smile and say okay. i'll state the facts or give an educated opinion, whatever is appropriate. yeah, i know a lot of you out there are going to say stay out of it. that's near impossible when 99% of the time, if the children have a dr's., ortho appt., etc., guess who she wants to do the running. if i'm right there, she'll ask me directly, if i'm not, she'll tell my husband to ask me. and heaven forbid i get sick and can't take them.
but as you know, they're "her" kids.
remember:
keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to!

 

[haiku]

Yes, all you can do is take the high road, be nice if it kills you.

I always was, until she pi33ed on my doorstep. After marriage, she got alll weird, and didnt like the idea that my family was going to spending any time with her kids. When she denied visitations she made accusations (unfounded and thrown out in court) aginst me and my family. she is now not allowed to come anywhere near even my driveway. I will not allow it. I wouldnt allow anyone who did such a horrible thing in my house, why her, just because she is my husbands childrens mother. she denied MY child and MY husband the right to see thier children and siblings for 6 months,my husband had to be hospitalized from stress of her demanding he give up his rights, and accused me and my family of wanting to hurt the kids. (her example in court-I wouldnt babysit for her once,when I had my mom over, before I was married to my husband!!)

It was all made legal in the court papers as to pick up and drop off, and certainly if my husband didnt agree to it, it wouldnt be there. The kids are clueless, because they dont really know why, we just tell them it is easier for all of us(and it is!)

Am I evil, NO! I just dont believe in being used in my own home! It is MY RIGHT not to invite "the enemy" any enemy, into my home, unless I choose to. The BM, is always trying to get here, and we always say "no, its just as easy for us to run down to dunkin donuts.."(we know she has driven by many times "secretly". I am always nice to her, and I respect my SK's love for her. I know my husband would probably just as soon let her come to the house, but he respects the fact that I feel violated, until she apologizes to ME. But I dont think she will ever figure out, that thats what she needs to do to step over my threshhold again.

And thats what I mean by knowing where you stand as a stepmom,legally and emotionally,(emotionally is up to you) but not letting it control what goes on in your own home.

 

[PoohBear8]

shinny---could you please let me know the websites of the forums for stepmoms. I would really appreciate it.
I know what you mean about wondering when the bm will get hers. My hubby and I have come to the conclusion that the only guaranteed time will be at the pearly gates. everybody says what goes around, comes around. well I sure would like to know when hers is coming around, as you do too, I'm sure.

 

[tigger22472]

I couldn't imagine going through that for this long. My boyfriend and his ex didn't get along the first year we were together and now they get along great. They have both finally learned that the most important thing is their daughter and have come to the understanding that each one has different parenting skills and respect that. For example, just last night I was watching my sd, her half brother and her 2 step-sisters. We were just sitting down to dinner when mom came to get them. AND yes we fed mom too.. hee hee Anyhow, sd is 6 and a very picky eater who like many children want to goof off at the table and it's an effort to get her to finish in a timely manner. She began eating off her plate using only her mouth and was telling her mom to look. Now, if she was at my house technically under my care(she's at her mom's this week and besides her mom was here) i would of told her that was no way to eat. However, mom told her she didn't care how she ate as long as she ate and washed her face when she was done. I stood quietly behind and didn't say a word... That doesn't mean I didn't want to. Bio-mom is a good mom but lets her kids do things that I don't allow at my house like crawl and jump all over furniture and bounce balls in the house. I'm glad that we have this respect because I'm sure there are things we do that she doesn't like.... in particular spank. As I've said before I think we get along because myself, BM and her husband all have an evil ex so we try our best to get along. Many people find it very strange that I babysit for his ex wife. I'd do it for free but they insist on paying me when I have any other kids besides SD. It all keeps peace and I'll take that any day of the week over fighting like I do with my ex.

 

[PoohBear8]

I'm not sure about shanny's situation, but the bm has a dr. jekyll/mr. Hyde personality. we have been dealing with this for 13+ years now. Bm has only been to our house 1 time (her ex-boyfriend brought her...we're friends with him and his wife since he has a son with the ex) and that was only to drop off her other son at a birthday party we were having for my sd. the kids had to practically drag her in the house to show them their rooms and our house. She has never been back. We have invited her & her bf, for Easter brunch no less, because it was my husband's holiday with the children and they wouldn't be seeing them otherwise, but she said that her and her boyfriend didn't hang around with hypocrites ??? still don't know what she meant by that. we have also extended many other invites, but to no avail. We try to do what's best for the kids, but she doesn't seem to care if things hurt them or not. she forces them to be present when my hubby needs to speak to her about something...well, of course he doesn't want them to have to deal with any more crap, so it all has to be done via phone or letter, and she hates both. then she wonders why everything goes into court. Pretty sad. People can't believe that I show up at my sc activities when bm doesn't and she isn't working (my husband is steady daylight with some ot so sometimes he can't make it, so at least one of us is there.
I, like you have babysat numerous times, without thanks, let alone payment...not that I would take it, but the offer would be enough or even a thank you.
We are very fortunate though that the children are really good when they're with us and they love their extended family and vice versa. They call my family members grandma & pappap, aunt/uncle, cousins, etc. the bm just doesn't get it that she should be happy that we all love these children with all our hearts and would do anything for them.

 

[PoohBear8]

shanny---i think we would be perfect as "e-mail pals"...lol
Good way to vent, don't you think.