this daddy needs your advice

[FJ1200guy]

A tad stubborn are we?

Ellen baby, this one isn't even close by any means. You need to be able to open those eyes. I mean, I understand your point, don't get me wrong... Mom is bitter, and yes, I think he should avoid contact with her, blah blah blah. I'm not saying that he should SIT by the whiney bitch... or even come within 100 yards. But you are the first to say "Do what's best for the kids" and yet when it's a MOM, you backpeddle and let HER off the hook. A Dad tries to step up and do his job and you'd have him just dissappear... giving this vindictive chick a chance to force him out even more... I can just hear it now "Well he NEVER comes to the kids games!" Yeah give this psycho some more ammo... GREAT advice.


Oh and 2 years isn't long enough to get over an affair? Geesh, why not wait until the kids are 54? Nah, still probobly not long enough, eh? lol
Lyle


Edit: I just wanted to mention that even though we may dis-agree here, I do respect you and your opinion, Ellencee. I've been reading many of your posts, and get alot from them. I think we al know how emotional this topic can be.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Well, I think we already understood your point, Ellencee, but I appreciate the elaboration. This is one we will have to just disagree on. I can live with that. I have no doubt at all you speak from the heart, and I respect you for saying what you believe. I just have a hard time telling a child he can't see his father because his mother needs to grow up (note I said the MOM needs to grow up, not the dad, ay least not in this case).

I am sorry you feel that if folks disagree with you on one issue that you will ignore them. You see, the only way we every really learn is from ideas and opinion different from our own. You speak on the maturity of other posters, yet here you are doing the equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and singing "lallalallalalalaI'm not listening to you". I'd encourage you to forget the ignore idea.

And next time a "buddy" talks you into something, ask yourself if you're adding anything new to the conversation. Because you didn't this time, just more psycho-mommy crap that we fathers have to deal with every damn time some mom wants to use our children to punish us for some reason only their twisted mind can fathom. If you have a post only for me, feel free to email me...

And about that magic wand??? I agree it's a good thing you don't have one... I know I'd be a frog now, and most caring fathers would be too! whew! lol

Later, Lyle

 

[ellencee]

I'm going to delete every response I made to this poster except this one. Have it your way. Let the kids keep being dragged off the field and tortured. If you can live with your advice, I have no problem letting you.

I have no regret for not reading the advice given to others when the person writing it is someone whose advice I do not respect.

(see, buddy, I told you it would do no good to say it to his 'face'.)

EC

 

[FJ1200guy]

Oh that's bull s**t

Your deleting all that you wrote tells me I was wrong. You are NOT the type of person that stands up for what you believe. My mistake.

Now no one else will be able to see what you wrote. Oh, but I guess that is the point, eh?



Yep, you are definatly the one to tell people to "grow up"... (yes, that was sarcasm.)



Later, Lyle

 

[ellencee]

FJ1200guy
Interpret my actions any way you will; it's OK with me.

IAAL or HomeGuru or another poster or even you may retrieve and re-post my comments and that's OK with me, too.

This is not the hill on which I choose to die.

EC

 

[tammy8]

Ellencee

I totally agree with you on this one becuase it is something that my DH lived for 2 years after his divorce. His son was humilated by bm time and time again whenever DH showed up. She loved playing the poor victim over and over to anyone who would listen. Then one day she must have gotten tired of people running away from her and her own bitterness must have eased up just a little because she was not at the game(DH always went and parked the furtherest away and never let his presence be known). DH then went over to watch. Yes he got plenty of hate looks from the other parents but in time, the other parents realized what a joke bm was and that DH was the loving Dad.

Now 6 years later, bm rarely comes to any games and when she does, she is one parking further away.

To the OP, live is not fair to you or the kids but hopefully with time your ex will get over the bitterness eating inside her. The first couple of years is the hardest on all. Just hang in there!

 

[stealth2]

I was thinking that a temporary solution might be to go, but be very unobtrusive about it, just as tammy's h was.

 

[FJ1200guy]

Clarify, Tammy

So Tammy... you are saying he should NOT go to his childrens activities? Or go, but stay as far away as possible? The prior was ECs prefered method.

 

[KCMR]

oh ok...I've read enough!! To say the father should not be able to attend his childs games is absolutely absurd! I can't imagine why a court wouldn't think so.
To the father (the original poster):
I would definitely keep the courts involved and document each and every time you attend the childrens functions and she leaves with them. I would also take a video camera with me. Don't you dare back down to her. They are your children. She needs to have them taken off of her.

To the rest of you:
There is absolutely no way in hell this father should not be able to attend a childs football, baseball, gymnastics, or SCHOOL function for HIS children. I suppose he should just quietly go away? and have his children completely resent him as an adult? Where do some of you come up with these brainy ideas?

Good bye

 

[tammy8]

Yes I am saying either not go or go and stay out of sight of bm. Tell the kids while they are with you that you saw them. To keep the kids from living through the embarrassment and humilation of facing 2 fighting parents will be worth it in the end. I feel sure that when the bitterness the bm feels toward the Dad gets less, then the Dad can go and be seen. Soon enough bm will realize that she can't humilate the Dad in front of people and can't play the poor victim forever and she will usually tire of doing just that. Hopefully both the parents will grow up and figure out what is best for the kids.

My point was, keep the kids out of the fighting, especially public fighting. Have I mentioned that my SS was not asked to play Allstars until 2 yrs ago (although he was wanted) due to the fact that the coaches did not want the conflict of bm showing her tail. How sad that a parent's actions are held against a child but that is the way it is.

So bomb me away, just found out after monthes and monthes of fighting for control, this worked best.

 

[ellencee]

tammy8
Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say and for understanding why the children need to be relieved of suffering the effects of the parents' behavior. I was beginning to think that only one other poster and I had any concern for the children.
It makes me feel so much better to know that at least there are some parents out there who still are able to put self last and children first. I'm sure your stepchildren will always appreciate the kind acts and mature, responsible behavior of your husband and you.
I am truly relieved to know there are still parents like you and your husband.
EC

 

[stealth2]

We had a period of time when the ex would show up for games/activities only to pick them up. If it looked like I was staying - he pulled them and they left. So I started waiting 'til he got there, and would leave so the kids could stay. Until my son told me that he'd rather I stayed to watch as long as he was playing - even if it meant he was pulled from the game by his Dad - than to have me leave midgame. And so I stayed. Even when they were pulled off the field - I stayed 'til the end so I could cheer on their teams and tell them what the final outcome was. His Dad decided he'd rather wait til the end of the game to show up. His loss.

 

[happynow]

BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Telling the Dad to stay away beacuse mom is a bitch?????? No F@#@ing way!!! I would never let my Ex dictate to me what functions I can and cannot go to. I am the father,the children need me there just as much as her. This is her problem, not his. She needs to grow up.If it was reversed, you guys would be all over Dad for not letting BM be involved. Here's a father who pays support on time, wants to be a big part of his children's lives, and you guys cut him down. Help my kids, tell her to go back to hell where she came from and grow up!! You need to be there for your childern, not in the background.

 

[nextwife]

I'm really troubled by the idea of empowering the mom for acting this way.

First, WHAT does it teach our kids if this behaviour is ALLOWED to dictate their father's presence and participation? It teaches and reinforces to them that a person should only care about what THEY want and that if you make a big enough hissy fit, often enough, you get what you want even if you are WRONG. It shows that thinking ONLY about one's own personal feelings about someone is more important anyone elses needs (like a child's responsibility to be there for their team!). It reinforces the worst kind of selfishness andf shows that it is ok and that if you do it enough you get what you want.

What kind of principals is that showing our kids?

Additionally, being involved in anything is hollow if mom is keeping Dad from seeing you doing it. The "doing" whatever was always only part of the reason for being involved, a big part was HAVING DAD SEE ME! If one loses that,the whole point of doing it is obscured.

 

[jez51]

My 2 Cents

Ok guys...everybody's right....no the kids shouldn't be publicly humiliated, and I suspect mom does this whether dad is around or not, home life for these kids is probably pure hell.
For the OP, you shouldn't have to do this, but Tammy8 gave good advice on how to see the kids games without the mom knowing you are there. I know it sucks, but at least it will spare the kids from their idiot mother, yet it will give them the security of knowing you are watching from nearby. If ever a family needs counseling, your's is screaming for it. If mom won't go, take the kids, this nonsense is not healthy for them.
Good Luck!