This is long, but please help.....

[sadwifeinNY]

What is the name of your state?NY

I will try to keep this brief, and I will try to keep emotion out of it...but it is very emotional for me, so I am not sure how well I will be able to do that...

I have been married for 3 and a half years (we've been together for 7) to what I thought was a wonderful guy, and I love him with all my heart. However, in the past few months things have gotten scary. My husband has turned from a wonderful, loving man...into a man who denies me affection (not sex - but hand-holding, kissing...even just sitting near each other...). Then...he turned into a man who calls me vile names, says I'm worthless, and pushes, shoves, and hits me (and then an hour later, is all sad and apologetic and says he's sorry and wishes I would stop making him so mad) - seriously...it is almost as thought he has 2 completely separate personalities (and he does NOT remember what he did).

He ONLY does this when we are alone. When we are with other people, he acts as though things are just peachy. However, no one would ever suspect anything, because I do not buise easily, and the few times I HAVE bruised, the bruises are in places where they appear as though I merely bumped into something and gave it to myself.

The other day, 2 things happened that really scared me. First, I told him that if he hit me again, I was going to call 911 (he needs Top Secret Clearance for his job, so he would risk losing his clearance - and thus his job). This only served to make him even madder. So I tried to call 911. He ripped the phone from my hands. I went for my cell phone - he got to it before I did. I tried to get my car keys to leave - he took them from me. I then put up my hands to defend myself, and since I have long fingernails, ended up scratching him (completely unintentional). This enraged him...and he said that if I ever did that again, that he would get a knife and cut himself, and then beat the crap out of me, call the police and say that it was in self-defense because *I* went crazy and went after him with a knife.

I don't really have a lot of friends (I'm more of a homebody - I'd much prefer to stay home and sew than go out to a bar)...and those that I do have, I would be embarrassed to say anything to. My family is not really close enough to be able to help me (and again, I am embarrassed to say anything). I am an over-achiever - I've never failed at ANYTHING I've attempted...but I'm failing at my marriage, and I feel helpless.

Sorry...I know this is not "Dear Abby", but I've never actually told anyone any of this before, and needed to get it out.

My legal questions are:
1. How do I prove DV if I don't have any proof (ie marks or bruises, witnesses, police reports, etc)????
2. How do I get proof, if I can't call the police or have witnesses? Can I tape record him without him knowing??
3. NY is a fault state, so I need cause to file for divorce - how do I prove cruel and unusual treatment? (my husband won't agree to a separation, so I have to have cause) Plus, I don't want to lose the house (I make enough that I could refinance it on my own).

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

My legal questions are:
1. How do I prove DV if I don't have any proof (ie marks or bruises, witnesses, police reports, etc)???? You call 911 when it happens, if you cannot, you get out some way. Why you have not left when he is at work I don't understand.

2. How do I get proof, if I can't call the police or have witnesses? Can I tape record him without him knowing?? The reason you can't call the police is because you are still there allowing this abuse.

3. NY is a fault state, so I need cause to file for divorce - how do I prove cruel and unusual treatment? (my husband won't agree to a separation, so I have to have cause) Plus, I don't want to lose the house (I make enough that I could refinance it on my own). You can file for a divorce in any state. A (No Fault State), does not keep you from divorcing him.

Your husband seems to be BiPolar, but I am not a doctor. You need help before he does, ie@----Get out now.

 

[sadwifeinNY]

My legal questions are:
1. How do I prove DV if I don't have any proof (ie marks or bruises, witnesses, police reports, etc)???? You call 911 when it happens, if you cannot, you get out some way. Why you have not left when he is at work I don't understand.

2. How do I get proof, if I can't call the police or have witnesses? Can I tape record him without him knowing?? The reason you can't call the police is because you are still there allowing this abuse.

3. NY is a fault state, so I need cause to file for divorce - how do I prove cruel and unusual treatment? (my husband won't agree to a separation, so I have to have cause) Plus, I don't want to lose the house (I make enough that I could refinance it on my own). You can file for a divorce in any state. A (No Fault State), does not keep you from divorcing him.

Your husband seems to be BiPolar, but I am not a doctor. You need help before he does, ie@----Get out now.

Thank you for your replies.

1. I haven't left because when he is at work, I am at work....and also, I have NOWHERE to go. We don't have extra money for me to stay in a hotel, and our CC are nearly maxed because I had been consolidating our debt (most of which was his from his college days), and paid off and closed all but 2 cards that are near their limit (but at 1.9% interest).
2. See above
3. I was under the impression that you needed to be a resident of a state in order to file for divorce there. We are both residents of NYS. Hence, I need to be able to show cause.
4. I had actually been thinking he may be BiPolar or something...but he would NEVER go to a shrink...

 

[stealth2]

The best thing you can do is contact the Nat'l Domestic Violence Hotline - the 800 phone number is on their website at www.ndvh.org . They can help you find local help, a place to stay, attorney, etc.

Tomorrow morning, when you go in to work, go speak with either your direct supervisor or HR and let them know that you're in a situation like this. They'll then be aware if your husband shows up at work that you're not safe.

Good luck - but make that call. Also - read the section they have on the site how to clear history off the computer so he can't track where you've been. Stay safe.

 

[LadyRose]

If I may

I don't really have a lot of friends (I'm more of a homebody - I'd much prefer to stay home and sew than go out to a bar)...and those that I do have, I would be embarrassed to say anything to. My family is not really close enough to be able to help me (and again, I am embarrassed to say anything). I am an over-achiever - I've never failed at ANYTHING I've attempted...but I'm failing at my marriage, and I feel helpless.

Regular posters, please forgive a newbie for posting a "Dear Abby" reply on a legal board. I only do it in the hopes that the OP is posting from work, and am afraid to send an email to her (if that option is enabled). Her husband could have all her passwords and check on her that way.

Sadwife
Eons ago, I was in an abusive relationship. Emotionally, and ultimately, every aspect of physically. The part of your post that I quoted above sounds *precisely* like I was thinking when it was all happening. I, too, was (am) an over-achiever/perfectionist. My family thought this of me as well, making the pressure to admit my failure that much worse. After all, how could someone so brilliant find herself in such a predicament, right?

Flash forward a few 'arguments':

Finally, after the last beating where he left me bleeding and unconscious on the floor--it had never been that bad before (sound familiar?)--I got myself out of there. Just winged it. NOTHING mattered but my safety. Not money, not the house, nothing. I left with the clothes on my back, and my bank statements (the ones only in my name--without much in them I might add).

What I have since learned is this:

It was not *my* failure, but my SO's failure. Please don't wait until you find yourself bleeding and unconscious on the floor. You might not wake up.

 

[VeronicaGia]

I can't figure out why our poster is so worried about the house. Poster, if you're dead or permanently disabled, how much will the house mean to you? Is the house worth more to you than your life, your sanity, and your health?