Tough Step Mom Situation

[swtwilma]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arizona

I will try to explain this short and sweet, so please ask for clarification if needed.

Ex husband and I have 3 children together. Ex is remarried to a very difficult woman that pretty much runs the show with ex and has 3 more children with him.

Custody is joint with me having 2/3's the time. Summer he has two extra weeks so we split the summer months in half so the kids could have just one big switch in the summer. The first half they were with me and now they are with their dad.

Step mom took her children and my children to Utah to see her family...and arranged to see my sister that lives there. My three kids are staying with my sister for 3 days and nights. Ex husband is not with kids but stayed home to work until July 5. I was not thrilled about this but the kids were excited to see my sister and her kids and to go on vacation. Ex husband will be meeting them in Utah July 1 or so.

My sister called me when my kids arrived at her house to clarify medication that my son is supposed to get for ADHD. My sister told me that she was given two medications and told to give whatever she thought he needed. Ex husband and I have joint medical decisions and had decided with the doctors approval that we would do a medication vacation this summer to see how my son was doing without, but if it was needed he could go back on the medication. My son only has one medication but step mom gave her two. One was an herbal supplement which my ex husband and i disgussed a while back and we decided based on studies to go with just regular medication and no herbs.

Come to find out he has just been giving my son the herbs and not his regular medication without talking to me about it nor telling the dr.

I am a registered nurse and know the dangers of herbal medications. I called my ex husband and expressed my concerns about him not discussing this with me or our dr. He said it was his time and could do what he wanted. I reminded him that we had joint medical decisions and that he needed to talk to me prior to treating any of our children. I give him that respect. He again told me that he would do what he wanted. I read him what our parenting plan stated and he still said it was his right to give them what he wanted on his time. I then told him that if he did this again, because this involves the saftey of our children that I would do what I could legally to make sure it didnt happend again. He then said that he would not give any medication to my son for the summer and he would let me know in the future. (I know that this was said so he would be off the hook, but I know that he will continue to do what he wants.)

After the phone conversation he called his new wife and my childrens step mom. She proceded to call my sister and scream at her for telling me (my childrens mother) what medication they were giving my son and that she was causing contention. My sister was so upset because my children are only enjoying this vacation because they get to see my sister and her kids. My sister let her vent and got off the phone leaving with give him what you think he needs. She then proceded to call my sister again this morning, say she was sorry and the this wasnt her fault and then tell her again that my sister could medicate my son how ever she saw fit. I told my sister that my ex and I had determined that this would be a medication break for my son and to not give him anything. My sister of course will do what is best for my son and will follow what I and my ex have said, but what is wrong with this step mom woman. She also added to my sister again that this was their time and they can do what they want.

My sister is just trying to keep the peace for my kids and I am just trying to do what is best for my kids but it is obvious that this woman is running my childrens lives in every aspect. I have told my ex time and time again that she needs to know her boundries but he has no backbone and lets her run the show. They feel that legally they can give my kids what they want on their time.

Does anyone know what actions I can take to make this stop happening. I have tried everything that I can think of to make this work with counceling etc. but legally is this enforcable or am I wasting my time. Help!

 

[bononos again]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arizona

I will try to explain this short and sweet, so please ask for clarification if needed.

Ex husband and I have 3 children together. Ex is remarried to a very difficult woman that pretty much runs the show with ex and has 3 more children with him.

Custody is joint with me having 2/3's the time. Summer he has two extra weeks so we split the summer months in half so the kids could have just one big switch in the summer. The first half they were with me and now they are with their dad.

Step mom took her children and my children to Utah to see her family...and arranged to see my sister that lives there. My three kids are staying with my sister for 3 days and nights. Ex husband is not with kids but stayed home to work until July 5. I was not thrilled about this but the kids were excited to see my sister and her kids and to go on vacation. Ex husband will be meeting them in Utah July 1 or so.

My sister called me when my kids arrived at her house to clarify medication that my son is supposed to get for ADHD. My sister told me that she was given two medications and told to give whatever she thought he needed. Ex husband and I have joint medical decisions and had decided with the doctors approval that we would do a medication vacation this summer to see how my son was doing without, but if it was needed he could go back on the medication. My son only has one medication but step mom gave her two. One was an herbal supplement which my ex husband and i disgussed a while back and we decided based on studies to go with just regular medication and no herbs.

Come to find out he has just been giving my son the herbs and not his regular medication without talking to me about it nor telling the dr.

I am a registered nurse and know the dangers of herbal medications. I called my ex husband and expressed my concerns about him not discussing this with me or our dr. He said it was his time and could do what he wanted. I reminded him that we had joint medical decisions and that he needed to talk to me prior to treating any of our children. I give him that respect. He again told me that he would do what he wanted. I read him what our parenting plan stated and he still said it was his right to give them what he wanted on his time. I then told him that if he did this again, because this involves the saftey of our children that I would do what I could legally to make sure it didnt happend again. He then said that he would not give any medication to my son for the summer and he would let me know in the future. (I know that this was said so he would be off the hook, but I know that he will continue to do what he wants.)

After the phone conversation he called his new wife and my childrens step mom. She proceded to call my sister and scream at her for telling me (my childrens mother) what medication they were giving my son and that she was causing contention. My sister was so upset because my children are only enjoying this vacation because they get to see my sister and her kids. My sister let her vent and got off the phone leaving with give him what you think he needs. She then proceded to call my sister again this morning, say she was sorry and the this wasnt her fault and then tell her again that my sister could medicate my son how ever she saw fit. I told my sister that my ex and I had determined that this would be a medication break for my son and to not give him anything. My sister of course will do what is best for my son and will follow what I and my ex have said, but what is wrong with this step mom woman. She also added to my sister again that this was their time and they can do what they want.

My sister is just trying to keep the peace for my kids and I am just trying to do what is best for my kids but it is obvious that this woman is running my childrens lives in every aspect. I have told my ex time and time again that she needs to know her boundries but he has no backbone and lets her run the show. They feel that legally they can give my kids what they want on their time.

Does anyone know what actions I can take to make this stop happening. I have tried everything that I can think of to make this work with counceling etc. but legally is this enforcable or am I wasting my time. Help!

Ummm...
Why are you so PO'd at Step?
She was nice enough to take the kiddos to visit YOUR sister.
She is being shoved in the middle of this just like your sister is.
It's your ex you need to deal with, not her.
She is probably going by HIS instructions.

 

[swtwilma]

Ummm...
Why are you so PO'd at Step?
She was nice enough to take the kiddos to visit YOUR sister.
She is being shoved in the middle of this just like your sister is.
It's your ex you need to deal with, not her.
She is probably going by HIS instructions.

Ok hard to explain the history. She let my sister see them yes that was great we don't disagree on that.

She isnt shoved in the middle, she causes the problems. She does what she wants regardless of what my ex says or what I say and has done so since she married him.

I only spoke to my ex husband regarding all of this. I refuse to speak to her about anything to do with parenting my children. That is the problem. She is calling my sister and yelling at her and instructing her what to do. My ex husband did not call my sister I did to tell her want my ex and I agreed upon. I did not call step mom. Step mom called my sister and made her feel like crap for making sure that my son got the right medication. My sister did nothing wrong.

This lays is out. Step mom took kids to my sister...gave my sister two medications and said give him what you think he needs.

My sister called me and said I have two medications, and was told to give him what he needs what do I do.

I told her to not give him anything and that I needed to clarify with dad what my son is getting.

I called dad and asked what he is giving my son. By the end of the conversation we decided that he was to get nothing this summer and that would continue.

I called my sister and told her that ex and I decided to give him nothing this summer so to not give medication.

Step mom had already called my sister and yelled at her telling her how dare she tell me anything...this is their time and they do what they please and my sister needs to do what she says so give him the meds (my ex had already called the step mom and told her of our converstaion).

I did not talk to step mom. My sister did not call step mom. My sister called me, mom for clarification, I called dad for clarification, I called sister to tell of plan. Never did step mom have reason to call my sister. The only one that is causing problems is step mom.

 

[ray25]

Isn't it hard to REALLY know though when you aren't in the situation? You think it's all stepmom but she very well could be doing what your ex wants. Therefore abiding by his wishes.

She told your sister (nice for her to take them to visit) to give them what she thought he needed. I would guess here that stepmom knows that you don't want kid to get meds but dad said something different to stepmom. Stepmom trying to stay out of the middle tells you sister to give him what she thinks in an effort not to make you mad (since this your sister and she'll tell on her). Stepmom probably called yelling because her husband called her giving her issue for not following HIS instructions. Stepmom did call to apologize. That would be my ASSumption so take it with a grain.

My wife is blamed for everything under the sun from my ex. Ex thinks wife carries my sack around in her purse. I really AM a big boy capable of controlling my life and decisions but ex can't fathom that because she is a control freak.

Could that be a possiblity? Could you be misplacing your anger on the easy target?

 

[bononos again]

Ok hard to explain the history. She let my sister see them yes that was great we don't disagree on that.

She isnt shoved in the middle, she causes the problems. She does what she wants regardless of what my ex says or what I say and has done so since she married him.

I only spoke to my ex husband regarding all of this. I refuse to speak to her about anything to do with parenting my children. That is the problem. She is calling my sister and yelling at her and instructing her what to do. My ex husband did not call my sister I did to tell her want my ex and I agreed upon. I did not call step mom. Step mom called my sister and made her feel like crap for making sure that my son got the right medication. My sister did nothing wrong.

This lays is out. Step mom took kids to my sister...gave my sister two medications and said give him what you think he needs.

My sister called me and said I have two medications, and was told to give him what he needs what do I do.

I told her to not give him anything and that I needed to clarify with dad what my son is getting.

I called dad and asked what he is giving my son. By the end of the conversation we decided that he was to get nothing this summer and that would continue.

I called my sister and told her that ex and I decided to give him nothing this summer so to not give medication.

Step mom had already called my sister and yelled at her telling her how dare she tell me anything...this is their time and they do what they please and my sister needs to do what she says so give him the meds (my ex had already called the step mom and told her of our converstaion).

I did not talk to step mom. My sister did not call step mom. My sister called me, mom for clarification, I called dad for clarification, I called sister to tell of plan. Never did step mom have reason to call my sister. The only one that is causing problems is step mom.

Above you said he just agreed to get off the hook and he would do what he wanted too anyway. HE not HER.

The way I see it, your ex then called her to complain about the call he had with you. Step was pissy she's put in the middle and took in wrongly out on your sister.
Then, the next day, she realized she took it out on the wrong person and called back to apologize. Probably cause she realized that neither she nor your sis should be in the middle.
Maybe Step got a dose of it from your ex.
The only one causing a problem is your ex. The two of you have a CO and he is not abiding by it in regards to medical decisions. He's a big boy. He can make decisions and he is without consulting with you.
You and your ex discussed the herbs, so obviously he was the one to get them.
Legally, your battle is with ex. Not Step.
Trust me. I hate to see Step's who don't mind their own business, but, from your account of the events, Step is not the one to be mad at.

 

[bononos again]

Isn't it hard to REALLY know though when you aren't in the situation? You think it's all stepmom but she very well could be doing what your ex wants. Therefore abiding by his wishes.

She told your sister (nice for her to take them to visit) to give them what she thought he needed. I would guess here that stepmom knows that you don't want kid to get meds but dad said something different to stepmom. Stepmom trying to stay out of the middle tells you sister to give him what she thinks in an effort not to make you mad (since this your sister and she'll tell on her). Stepmom probably called yelling because her husband called her giving her issue for not following HIS instructions. Stepmom did call to apologize. That would be my ASSumption so take it with a grain.

My wife is blamed for everything under the sun from my ex. Ex thinks wife carries my sack around in her purse. I really AM a big boy capable of controlling my life and decisions but ex can't fathom that because she is a control freak.

Could that be a possiblity? Could you be misplacing your anger on the easy target?

Were we twins in a former life?
Our ASSumptions are exact even down to the "Big Boy" wording.
Creepy!

 

[LdiJ]

When a parent violates the parenting plan, the solution to the problem is to file for contempt. If you and dad agreed that your son would be medication free this summer, then dad's wife has no right to decide elsewise...or dad for that matter, either, without discussing it with you again first. So you either let this one go and see if dad honors the agreement, or you file for contempt.

 

[swtwilma]

Ok I really didn't post this to talk about her. Just know that he is not a big boy. That is the problem. And I know that the fault lies with him not being the big boy. I am not blaming her yet but trust me she will do what she wants regardless of what my ex says. She is wrong for calling my sister and yelling at her and I didn't post the half of what she said. My ex is wrong for not putting his foot down.

I wanted to know what I could do to stop him from medicating my child without my permission legally. That is it. I just wanted to give background.

 

[ray25]

Were we twins in a former life?
Our ASSumptions are exact even down to the "Big Boy" wording.
Creepy!

I just saw that. Very strange indeed!

 

[swtwilma]

When a parent violates the parenting plan, the solution to the problem is to file for contempt. If you and dad agreed that your son would be medication free this summer, then dad's wife has no right to decide elsewise...or dad for that matter, either, without discussing it with you again first. So you either let this one go and see if dad honors the agreement, or you file for contempt.

That is what I was looking for. Thank you. He has already not honered it by his wife telling my sister this morning to give him the herbs. I will be filing contempt thank you.

 

[bononos again]

Ok I really didn't post this to talk about her. Just know that he is not a big boy. That is the problem. And I know that the fault lies with him not being the big boy. I am not blaming her yet but trust me she will do what she wants regardless of what my ex says. She is wrong for calling my sister and yelling at her and I didn't post the half of what she said. My ex is wrong for not putting his foot down.

I wanted to know what I could do to stop him from medicating my child without my permission legally. That is it. I just wanted to give background.

You titled it "Tough Step Mom Situation".
You did post it to talk about her.

Again, no matter what, this battle must be fought against your ex. You can only file contempt against him.

 

[ray25]

Ok I really didn't post this to talk about her. Just know that he is not a big boy. That is the problem. And I know that the fault lies with him not being the big boy. I am not blaming her yet but trust me she will do what she wants regardless of what my ex says. She is wrong for calling my sister and yelling at her and I didn't post the half of what she said. My ex is wrong for not putting his foot down.

I wanted to know what I could do to stop him from medicating my child without my permission legally. That is it. I just wanted to give background.

People change. This is not an attack on you in at all just a different side of things. I wasn't a big boy with my ex. I let her do whatever she wanted and let her control situations that I shouldn't have. I let her make the decisions. I gave in because it was easier than dealing with the wrath.

I am not that same person. It took getting out to see I was not a big boy and all the places I was messing up. I changed all of that and stopped allowing others to control MY life. When I met my wife all the blame went to her because ex can't fathom that I don't need to be controlled.

I agree she was out of line for calling your sister but she knows that because she tried to make it right by calling her and apologizing. Your beef is with dad here and it should be. If he's going against what you have agreed to then that is the problem. Step can't enforce your agreements between him and you. You have to do that.

 

[bononos again]

Also to think about. Maybe they just can't handle kiddo when he's not on the meds. and your ex poorly decided to medicate without consulting you.
Seeings as he's the NCP, maybe he wanted kiddo on the meds. for the time he gets to spend with him.
Again, your ex is so wrong for doing this, but, sometimes you need to step back and look at the whole picture.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

Definately not leagal advice, because I'm illegaliterate. Having dealt with my two boys who are both ADHD, I can see where you are coming from regarding medications. That said, communication between all adults dealing with ADHD children, no matter if they are parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, and yes even step is essential. Its time to put on your big girl panties and talk to step mom on how to deal with medications for the summer. Not to mention, ADHD meds are considered a controlled substance which should only be changed under a doctor's advice, not a whim of a step mom or aunt.

 

[swtwilma]

Thank you everyone. I did speak with dad. I unfortunatly can not talk to step mom based on what everyone else has said, she isn't the problem, their dad is. I understand the other side too because I am a step mom as well and that is probably why I become upset when these things happen (as they often do). I respect my step kids mother and have a very honest and wonderful relationship with her. Unfortunatly all I can do is make my feelings known.