Trying to divorce husband w/ mental issues-keep him away from son?

[stealth2]

The problem remains that she wants to claim that he's a danger to the child, yet she admits that she has left him with Dad as a caretaker. One can't have it both ways.

 

[howamidoing]

I don't understand how the husband is protecting the child by waking him at 2am and removing him from his own home and his own crib. How is the mother hurting the child by going out to relieve stress instead of coming home to be argued at by the husband? And for your info, I didn't know the husband was becoming a psycho until that very night. He always watched our son when I went to work. It must be all men who are responding in this negative, "mom's a whore" way. Because if the father were to come home late nothing would be said, I'm sure. I thought society had evolved by now. Well, at least now I see what kind of sexist thinking I am up against. And suddenly I am some druggie/alcoholic bad mother because I went out one time? Jesus, I'm done pleading my case here. It's a losing battle. Can you all say that you never go out to have fun? Everyone needs a break. It helps them to be better parents and better people. At least I didn't hire some strange babysitter, our son was with his father. I have never hired a babysitter. Can you all say that? Our son is always with me, his father or his grandparents. I am a stay at home mom who also works 20-40 hours at night. When am I allowed to blow off steam? You just let me know what would be acceptable. Thanks for nothing from all of you who responded negatively. And thanks for all your helpful responses who I know came from women.

I'm a woman, If you wanted "days-off" and breaks maybe you should have done that before you had kids.Or thought of that before you had kids.You know in this day and age one little "day-off" can make you lose your children. Next time think about the worth of a day off. I have kids and I never get a "day-off" they are a responsibilty and a privelage...Not a job where you need time off.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

The problem remains that she wants to claim that he's a danger to the child, yet she admits that she has left him with Dad as a caretaker. One can't have it both ways.

I'm sure she will claim that is not fair either!

 

[stealth2]

I really don't think it's reasonable to expect parents to never go out or to have some downtime. We do all need it now and again. But one can't choose a caregiver for the child, continue having that person as the caregiver, and then also turn around and say that that person is unfit to be the caregiver.

Nor is it reasonable to expect a spouse NOT to have a poor reaction to being told that a divorce is in the works. A lot of people do flip out when they're first told.

Taking the child (his child, too) out of the home at the time he did it was perfectly legal. Mom could have done the same. In fact, she has effectively done so by moving out of the marital home with the child. Also perfectly legal. What IS somewhat unconscionable is to now say he's not fit to see the kid, since she says that he always watched the kid while she was working. I've read and reread OPs posts, and nowhere is there any indication that, apart from the episodes following her declaration that she wants a divorce, he has ever been any danger to her OR the child. Both parents (absent some very serious issues) have the right to parent their child(ren) even if they can't (or don't want to) remain married.

 

[howamidoing]

I really don't think it's reasonable to expect parents to never go out or to have some downtime. We do all need it now and again. But one can't choose a caregiver for the child, continue having that person as the caregiver, and then also turn around and say that that person is unfit to be the caregiver.

Nor is it reasonable to expect a spouse NOT to have a poor reaction to being told that a divorce is in the works. A lot of people do flip out when they're first told.

Taking the child (his child, too) out of the home at the time he did it was perfectly legal. Mom could have done the same. In fact, she has effectively done so by moving out of the marital home with the child. Also perfectly legal. What IS somewhat unconscionable is to now say he's not fit to see the kid, since she says that he always watched the kid while she was working. I've read and reread OPs posts, and nowhere is there any indication that, apart from the episodes following her declaration that she wants a divorce, he has ever been any danger to her OR the child. Both parents (absent some very serious issues) have the right to parent their child(ren) even if they can't (or don't want to) remain married.

I totally agree. Just for my personal reasons, working at DFS I see too many parents "overkill" their downtime, or nights away. Im saying its what you do during that downtime that you bring home to the kids. Thats neither here nor there. I have my downtime in the evenings when kids go to bed (at home). Im a mother, student, full time employment. I'm just saying we dont have to go out with friends in the wee hours of the morning to take a break.Then suddenly say the one WE CHOSE to watch that child is suddenly unfit.

 

[casa]

to OP and worriedmomof4:
You are missing an important fact. No one is saying a parent can't have down time or go out. BUT when *I* go out I make sure my children are in capable hands- I do not leave them with a "psycho husband". WHAT she did while gone is less important as the decision she made in terms of making sure the children were cared for WHILE she went out.

ie; she's demonstrating through her actions the father is fit to parent when it suits her needs to get away, but not when it comes down to custody/visitation. That makes no sense. A 'concerned' mother would have bigger plans aside from going out- when confronted with a truly dangerous spouse.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

to OP and worriedmomof4:
You are missing an important fact. No one is saying a parent can't have down time or go out. BUT when *I* go out I make sure my children are in capable hands- I do not leave them with a "psycho husband". WHAT she did while gone is less important as the decision she made in terms of making sure the children were cared for WHILE she went out.

ie; she's demonstrating through her actions the father is fit to parent when it suits her needs to get away, but not when it comes down to custody/visitation. That makes no sense. A 'concerned' mother would have bigger plans aside from going out- when confronted with a truly dangerous spouse.

Remember, he wasn't psycho until she failed to come home after work and stayed out late at night/early in the morning partying withfriends, and only then did he become "psycho", she is just looking for excuses to deny visitation and custody and control the situation.

 

[andria1973]

The problem remains that she wants to claim that he's a danger to the child, yet she admits that she has left him with Dad as a caretaker. One can't have it both ways.

Maybe you can't comprehend what you read, but I clearly stated that the father didn't show any signs of "craziness" until he kidnapped our child that night. I had absolutey no idea that he was capable of such things until then. And the "craziness" just keeps escalating. As I stated he terrorized me for 2 hours one night - a different night-. He "wanted to talk" one night when I came home from work and I tried, but he was in the arguing kind of mood. So I just became silent and said that I don't want to talk tonight while you are in this kind of mood. So he keeps in my face and keeps yelling, while our son is asleep. So I said one of us has got to leave. He wouldn't and he parked his car blocking the drive way so that I couldn't leave either. I went to bed and he turned the lights on and pulled the blankets off of me. I left the room. He followed. I went outside. He followed. He stepped in front of the door and would not let me back inside. Finally I threatened to call the police and he let me in. Then I went to take a piss and he followed and opened the door and watched. I went back in the bed. Same. This went on for 2 hours. I did not want to call the police because I did not want to get him into trouble. I went out on the couch. He's acting so strangely. Not in any kind of way that I have seen before. I am afraid that he will try to kill me in my sleep. Now he brings out a flashlight and shines in 3 inches from my face. I am crying by now. I call my father. Finally he goes to bed. The next day I moved out. And no I wasn't drunk. Then 4 days later he's in the garage with the door closed and the car on calling me telling me what he's doing. Then I am there for him while he's in the mental hospital. I visit him all the visiting hours I am allowed. I bring our son to see him. Then he gets out and starts doing crazy **** again. We agree to get a $300 'uncontested divorce.' We agree on everything. I mail the check. The next day I get a certified letter saying that he hired a lawyer. And he won't come to see his son. And he won't talk to me. He does more crazy ****. Now just today, he called to say that he took our cat to the pound. So up yours. You don't know me. And this is only a fraction of my story. So why don't you ease up on everyone. Maybe you don't feel important enough in your own life, you have to bring everyone else down to feel big and bad.

 

[andria1973]

I'm a woman, If you wanted "days-off" and breaks maybe you should have done that before you had kids.Or thought of that before you had kids.You know in this day and age one little "day-off" can make you lose your children. Next time think about the worth of a day off. I have kids and I never get a "day-off" they are a responsibilty and a privelage...Not a job where you need time off.

Okay.
Number 1 you are jealous, because no one must allow you any time off.
Number 2 I said that I wanted a break from my husband, not my son.

 

[andria1973]

I totally agree. Just for my personal reasons, working at DFS I see too many parents "overkill" their downtime, or nights away. Im saying its what you do during that downtime that you bring home to the kids. Thats neither here nor there. I have my downtime in the evenings when kids go to bed (at home). Im a mother, student, full time employment. I'm just saying we dont have to go out with friends in the wee hours of the morning to take a break.Then suddenly say the one WE CHOSE to watch that child is suddenly unfit.

How do you have time to "mother" anything if you work full time and are a student? The daycare provider is "mothering" your child/ren. Mothers who work full time are escaping the duties of motherhood. I worked full time before I became a mother, then I went to part time so that I could mother my child, and not let the daycares or babysitters raise my child. I can honestly say that working full time is far easier than being a stay at home mom. And I can go out with friends whenever I feel like it. It is not harming my son. When I did go out he was already asleep by the time I was off of work. There was no reason for me to go home. Go home to argue with husband. No.

 

[andria1973]

Would you like to guess who the one with sexist thinking REALLY is, dear?

Yes, all those who say that men can do it but women can't.

 

[andria1973]

Hey, the judge will see through you in no time at all, so don't even play the sextist card, BTW, most if not all the members who have responded to you are women Obviously you withheld important facts because you wanted people to give you certain advice, you didn't like what you received. 1 time or 100 times, obviously your husband felt that your behavior jeopardized your child in some way and it is not him that is suddenly going psycho, but him standing up to you abusing your role as a parent. As you stated, you had your husband and grandparents to watch your child so you had plenty of opportunities to get a break without going out in the middle of the night, partying.

Yeah, my husband watched the child so that I could work. So he basically gave him a bath and put him to bed. And my parents watched the child when they asked to see him, which was 1 or 2 times a month. So other that that it was good old me raising my son. And again, I wanted a break from the husband, not the son. Try to remember what you read.

 

[LdiJ]

Maybe you can't comprehend what you read, but I clearly stated that the father didn't show any signs of "craziness" until he kidnapped our child that night. I had absolutey no idea that he was capable of such things until then. And the "craziness" just keeps escalating. As I stated he terrorized me for 2 hours one night - a different night-. He "wanted to talk" one night when I came home from work and I tried, but he was in the arguing kind of mood. So I just became silent and said that I don't want to talk tonight while you are in this kind of mood. So he keeps in my face and keeps yelling, while our son is asleep. So I said one of us has got to leave. He wouldn't and he parked his car blocking the drive way so that I couldn't leave either. I went to bed and he turned the lights on and pulled the blankets off of me. I left the room. He followed. I went outside. He followed. He stepped in front of the door and would not let me back inside. Finally I threatened to call the police and he let me in. Then I went to take a piss and he followed and opened the door and watched. I went back in the bed. Same. This went on for 2 hours. I did not want to call the police because I did not want to get him into trouble. I went out on the couch. He's acting so strangely. Not in any kind of way that I have seen before. I am afraid that he will try to kill me in my sleep. Now he brings out a flashlight and shines in 3 inches from my face. I am crying by now. I call my father. Finally he goes to bed. The next day I moved out. And no I wasn't drunk. Then 4 days later he's in the garage with the door closed and the car on calling me telling me what he's doing. Then I am there for him while he's in the mental hospital. I visit him all the visiting hours I am allowed. I bring our son to see him. Then he gets out and starts doing crazy **** again. We agree to get a $300 'uncontested divorce.' We agree on everything. I mail the check. The next day I get a certified letter saying that he hired a lawyer. And he won't come to see his son. And he won't talk to me. He does more crazy ****. Now just today, he called to say that he took our cat to the pound. So up yours. You don't know me. And this is only a fraction of my story. So why don't you ease up on everyone. Maybe you don't feel important enough in your own life, you have to bring everyone else down to feel big and bad.

After reading this entire thread I have to say that I do very much agree that you have cause to be concerned. His behavior isn't rational. However, its highly possible that its due mostly to the divorce and that in time he will revert to his normal self. Its also possible that he has always been a ticking bomb..and the divorce was the catalyst that set him off. Unfortunately you don't know which is correct, and neither does anyone else here.

Since he has hired an attorney, it would be best if you get one too. You need the things regarding his irrational behavior to be properly presented in court.....and yes, despite its legality it was also irrational for him to remove your child from the home in the middle of the night and hide the child from you.

Now, on the other hand. I agree that its perfectly ok for a parent to go out after work with friends. Even having a few drinks. Particularly in a situation where the child is cared for and is undisturbed by the parent going out. However, if you did that frequently, or had a habit of coming home drunk, then its likely that your husband will try to characterize you as either an alcoholic or a party girl. You have to be prepared to defend yourself in court on that issue. If it was a one-time deal because you were avoiding him then that can be presented.

The bottom line is that his suicide attempt and the stay in the mental hospital is probably enough by itself to ensure that you can get visitation ordered as supervised, for at least a period of time. He certainly won't get custody with that being so recent.

Go to the pound and get your cat back. The poor thing must be scared to death.

 

[andria1973]

In a country where you are innocent before proven guilty you have a better chance for a fair trial. This site obviously is design as a power trip for those with very little information to pass judgement. I have been a mother for 20 years. In that time I have went out and stayed out passed 2am, so I must be a drunken whore as well. I did it a total of 5 times in those 20 years, had I asked advice and gave the same situation I am sure that I would have had the same response. What a shame, I have seen some advice that was direct to the point an sometimes not exactly what the person requesting the advice wanted to hear, none the less, the forum looks to be a site where judgements may be handed down by members instead of God or a judge.
Good luck with your situation and maybe once the shock of the divorce has been accepted by the father he will return back to himself, you both have a lot of issues that need to be identified with such a tramatic change in life about to occur.

Thank you.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

We are not getting an accurate account from OP, only an emotional string of half truths, without the background facts. OP is trying to get those on this forum to endorse her behaviors and tactics. She gives us excuses for her inappropriate behaviors and then blames everything on her husband, who showed no signs of mental instability until after she returned home late at night/early in the morning after partying with her friends.

We don't know her history of alcohol and/or substance abuse.
We don't know how long she has been comming home late.
We don't know if she told her husband to expect her late because she was out with friends or who these friends were.
We do know that she will split hairs to make her point and will beat a dead horse to try to prove her point as she has demonstrated on this forum.
We don't know if these episodes of her husband wanting to talk after she got home from work were about those issues and that was why she refused to speak with him in a civilized manner.
It sounds as if she provoked some of this by not dealing with the problems.
It also sounds as if she provoked frustration in her husband.
He did not kidnap the child and if you look at all of OP's posts, it seems to have a theme of manipulation, of trying to deny custody and visitation to her husband with whom she felt safe enough to leave her child while she went out partying.
There are not reports to the police for any type of abuse.
OP also goes on about her rights.
Here is OP's first post for which there were no responses, please note that there is no mention of the child, only her worries about being financially responsible for his doctor bills after she got him comitted to a mental hospital in her effort to make her custody case stronger, the title to this thread is self apparent.

Indiana
I moved out of our home because I wanted a divorce. My husband tried to commit suicide 4 days later and went to the ER and had to be committed for 5 days. Am I going to be responsible for the resulting debt of the treatment he received? I had moved out with the intent of divorce, but nothing had been filed at that point. Now I received papers that my husband has filed. During this time he also quit his job (don't know if this sways it one way or the other.)

Her point of being here looking for support is to build her case now that he has served her with divorce papers, a very strong reaction to them and perhaps a response to his grounds or allegations?
OP would be wrong to assume that she will prevail just because she is the mom or because she is currently denying him access to his child.
If OP would give us the facts and be honest we might be able to give more appropriate advice as it is now our best advice is to retain an attorney and be honest.