Trying to get more involved in medical for kids

[AbbaDabba730]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law) Illinois?

My ex and I have 50/50 split physical custody; joint legal. Ex has been taking daughter to doctor visits with me going as often as I can. However, these doctor visits have been during her months with her making the appointments since she has the medical insurance and works with the doctor that writes the referral. If I try to make appointments for her my ex cancels them and makes her own. I think she's trying to set it up as she's the good mother who always makes the appointments and I'm the bad father who doesn't care. The most recent appointment is scheduled during my custodial time and she says she will take our daughter to the appointment. Also, I usually never hear about the initial visit that results in the referral (again she works with the doctor(s) who just write it up for her) so there's no way to be involved in that appointment (if there is one and not just a verbal consult w/ mother). I've asked mother repeatedly for me to be involved in all aspects of medical care including initial consult; haven't had much luck there. Anyhow, I want to know if there's any advice on there how I can get into initial consults (when not told about them) and if I should just tell her I'm taking the children to their appointments during my custodial time. I know it will cause an argument with her but I also want to be involved in the medical decisions and feel like I'm being pushed out. Thanks in advance.

I have requested records before and have seen some "appointments" I wasn't told about. However, if she just goes up to a doctor (since she works in the doctor's office) and asks for a referral they give it to her since she knows them instead of the formal method. And all the record states is talked to mother... recommend such and such referral. Doesn't mean an actual appointment was made, which is what I suspect happens a lot.

I will ask the doctor's office to notify me when an appointment is made but I kind of doubt I will get it for the pseudo-appointments.

I just finished a custody modification with the judgment entered at the end of last year. However, if I understand my lawyer right Illinois only lets you modify custody once every 2 years unless there's some pretty significant event. I know this wouldn't be modifying custody just asking that current orders be enforced but I'm a little weary right now from court But yeah if it continues, I'll have to... Not everything should be this difficult *sigh*

And that's kind of what I was thinking. But I can ask the doctor's office and at least maybe they'll tell me if there's a physical visit. I just feel like I'm in a catch 22. I look bad because I don't know about a medical referral but I'm not told about it except when there's an appointment with a specialist. So I'm missing the whole family doctor discussion about what lead to specialist referral... if that makes sense.

Sorry, I should back up some I do have a daughter and son with ex. Daughter was on my mind because that's the appt coming up. I sometimes forget I have to fill in the blanks for people who haven't heard my story before

The months come from us alternating months to arrive at our custody split and she had been making the appointments during her custodial time only until fairly recently. My son is autistic which is why he sees so many specialists. This coming appointment just happens to be for my daughter this time.

I figure that during her time she should take the kids to appointments with me attending. But during my time I should take the kids. She would argue that since she set it up she should take them but I don't think that's right.

I'm trying not to get worked up... I just don't want it to appear I don't care when I do but am not kept in the loop or am not driving them when I have my parenting time with them. I want to do my best for them so they can grow up with both parents around and learn from us both. I do worry too much that we'll loose what we have now.

We had considered other arrangements such as week to week or every two weeks and all the variations. But decided that it would be simpler for the kids not to bounce around as much but still have both parents in their lives. We both get one weekend on the opposite month and volunteer at the schools so it's not like it's a whole month without the other parent.

To recap the basics of my situation:

2 children with ex (son & daughter). Son is autistic and so has been receiving speech, occupational/sensory, and ABA therapy. Joint Legal and Physical 50/50 split, alternating months.

So, I exchange the kids yesterday and ex approaches me and says that she thinks it "would be best for [son's] stability" if we had him every 6 months so that she could make sure all his new therapy could take place because he "only has a limited amount of time to get this fixed [before 7 years old]". Then suggested 4 months when she saw my facial expression. The new therapy is for additional sensory therapy and aquatic therapy. She seems to believe that if she crams as much therapy into his first 7 years that he will be cured. It should be noted that he is high functioning on the autism scale and his diagnosing physician's test barely placed him on the autism spectrum. Except for a few quirks most outsiders wouldn't know he was autistic.

My thoughts are that 6 months (or 4) alternating would be a very bad schedule - I would think it would be harder on him because of his condition. All of a sudden he wouldn't see his father and sister (and stepsiblings) for half the year except for one weekend a month (and vice versa). His sister and him are very close as well so I could see it affecting her greatly. I also don't see how 6 months straight would make his therapy go any better.

Well, those are my thoughts and I may be off base but wanted to know what everyone here thinks?

Out of your posts all you are concerned about is how you will be viewed. Seriously you said yourself that you have been to appointments, you have records, you know what is going on.

You are upset if mom gets a referral when an appointment wasn't even made.

What do you want to accomplish? Do you want the Dr's office to call you every time your children are talked about, whether it is an appointment or not?

You seem like you are involved. Mom seems like she is involved. At the end of the day are the kids taken care of? Do you both spend time wit the children? Are they happy? These are the important things. Wanting in on every single aspect of the children's lives...get over it. I am sure mom doesn't know every single detail of who you talk to, what you do etc when kids are with you.

Let it go.

 

[reportermom]

That is a terrible idea! I would not ever consider that for any child. I think that right now your month long custody switches are awful also, but it is working so far.

6 months would mean that you would have no idea about any of his therapies and how his day to day routine has changed. At his age, his routines will change as he grows.

 

[randolph76]

Out of your posts all you are concerned about is how you will be viewed. Seriously you said yourself that you have been to appointments, you have records, you know what is going on.

You are upset if mom gets a referral when an appointment wasn't even made.

What do you want to accomplish? Do you want the Dr's office to call you every time your children are talked about, whether it is an appointment or not?

You seem like you are involved. Mom seems like she is involved. At the end of the day are the kids taken care of? Do you both spend time wit the children? Are they happy? These are the important things. Wanting in on every single aspect of the children's lives...get over it. I am sure mom doesn't know every single detail of who you talk to, what you do etc when kids are with you.

Let it go.

I got Abbadabba. This is an update to that thread. Sometimes things look different through one's own eyes than everyone else's. So it's been a reality check for me and appreciate the responses. I shouldn't worry so much

 

[CSO286]

To recap the basics of my situation:

2 children with ex (son & daughter). Son is autistic and so has been receiving speech, occupational/sensory, and ABA therapy. Joint Legal and Physical 50/50 split, alternating months.

So, I exchange the kids yesterday and ex approaches me and says that she thinks it "would be best for [son's] stability" if we had him every 6 months so that she could make sure all his new therapy could take place because he "only has a limited amount of time to get this fixed [before 7 years old]". Then suggested 4 months when she saw my facial expression. The new therapy is for additional sensory therapy and aquatic therapy. She seems to believe that if she crams as much therapy into his first 7 years that he will be cured. It should be noted that he is high functioning on the autism scale and his diagnosing physician's test barely placed him on the autism spectrum. Except for a few quirks most outsiders wouldn't know he was autistic.

My thoughts are that 6 months (or 4) alternating would be a very bad schedule - I would think it would be harder on him because of his condition. All of a sudden he wouldn't see his father and sister (and stepsiblings) for half the year except for one weekend a month (and vice versa). His sister and him are very close as well so I could see it affecting her greatly. I also don't see how 6 months straight would make his therapy go any better.

Well, those are my thoughts and I may be off base but wanted to know what everyone here thinks?

Rotating a special needs child every six months would be extremely detrimental to the child's progress. Spend six months with mom and develop a routine and a new "normal" only to be uprooted in six months to do it all again at Dad's? Major badness.
Alternating weeks might be somewhat better, or some form of a 5-2-2-5....how far apart are you and mom? Make the exchanges part of the routine. This will help the child gain a sense of stability.

 

[randolph76]

We are approximately 8 miles apart. The way we arrived a monthly exchanges is because we felt alternating weekly or bi-weekly (which are the other options we were considering) would be too disruptive to kids. Sure, I know it's not perfect but it's working right now and the kids are doing well in school. And with the 6 months, I agree I think it's a bad idea but needed an outside perspective.

 

[SESmama]

My child is on the Autism spectrum (called SPD). The one thing that has remained consistent with ALL of his therapists/doctors/research/etc is that a schedule, be it one home or multiple homes, is vitally important. It doesn't matter how it is set up as long as it is consistent. Every 6 months would be disruptive since it really does not give the child a constant schedule but a flipping one half way through the year which will throw him at school.

All parties are best to not only know the at home therapy but to be involved in the in office therapy and be in communication with the therapists.

You cannot cram a whole process of learning such skills in 6 months as it took 6 years for him to learn what he does know. It will take time to teach him how to "re-wire" his world so he can function.

 

[randolph76]

My child is on the Autism spectrum (called SPD). The one thing that has remained consistent with ALL of his therapists/doctors/research/etc is that a schedule, be it one home or multiple homes, is vitally important. It doesn't matter how it is set up as long as it is consistent. Every 6 months would be disruptive since it really does not give the child a constant schedule but a flipping one half way through the year which will throw him at school.

All parties are best to not only know the at home therapy but to be involved in the in office therapy and be in communication with the therapists.

You cannot cram a whole process of learning such skills in 6 months as it took 6 years for him to learn what he does know. It will take time to teach him how to "re-wire" his world so he can function.[/B

Yes, you're right. I think that he'll be dealing with it in some form for the rest of his life. Far as I know there's no cure for autism and those who claim it I believe to be quacks.

I also thought about that because at 6 months he'll really be used to one household which would make exchanges much more traumatic. Although, she didn't say it directly I assume she wants the first 6 months but according to her logic me having the first 6 months would work as well. Somehow I don't see her agreeing to that

 

[PQN]

Yes, you're right. I think that he'll be dealing with it in some form for the rest of his life. Far as I know there's no cure for autism and those who claim it I believe to be quacks.

I also thought about that because at 6 months he'll really be used to one household which would make exchanges much more traumatic. Although, she didn't say it directly I assume she wants the first 6 months but according to her logic me having the first 6 months would work as well. Somehow I don't see her agreeing to that

In some jurisdictions, 6 months is long enough to establish status quo...just saying.

 

[randolph76]

I try not to be cynical. But yes, I had thought of that too. But even if going from honest intentions I think that her proposal would make thinks worse for our son.

 

[CJane]

a schedule, be it one home or multiple homes, is vitally important. It doesn't matter how it is set up as long as it is consistent.

This is actually true for all children. Consistency is far more important emotionally than is frequency.

As an extreme example, it's far better for a child to know that he sees Dad every 4th of July and Christmas Eve without fail than for a child to try to adjust to "I see dad once a month or so, sometimes once a week, and sometimes not for a month or two".

I'm not sure "the children are doing well in school" is the marker for whether or not a schedule is working. My oldest actually does BETTER in school, the more chaotic the outside of her life is - because school is her escape.

 

[mistoffolees]

This is actually true for all children. Consistency is far more important emotionally than is frequency.

I'm not sure that's true. Most kids would be better off seeing the other parent frequently at random intervals than once a year at consistent intervals.

And for a toddler, 6 months without seeing the other parent is a disaster - even if they make it 6 months on the dot every time.

 

[CSO286]

And for a toddler or a special needs child, 6 months without seeing the other parent is a disaster - even if they make it 6 months on the dot every time.

Fixed it for ya.....

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, you're right. I think that he'll be dealing with it in some form for the rest of his life. Far as I know there's no cure for autism and those who claim it I believe to be quacks.

I also thought about that because at 6 months he'll really be used to one household which would make exchanges much more traumatic. Although, she didn't say it directly I assume she wants the first 6 months but according to her logic me having the first 6 months would work as well. Somehow I don't see her agreeing to that

I agree with everyone else that the 6 months idea is a horrible one. However, I also think that your every other month schedule is equally bad. Every other week would be far better for your children.

 

[CJane]

I'm not sure that's true. Most kids would be better off seeing the other parent frequently at random intervals than once a year at consistent intervals.

Frequent CONSISTENT visits are, of course, preferable. However, if one must choose between consistent and frequent, consistent is better emotionally. At least, according to all of the texts I read on the subject while my sister was writing her dissertation on parenting in 'detached' families.

And for a toddler, 6 months without seeing the other parent is a disaster - even if they make it 6 months on the dot every time.

I'm NOT agreeing that a 6 month rotation is a good idea. ESPECIALLY for a special needs child. In fact, I think their one month rotation sucks rocks. It is its own inconsistency. Just about the time kiddo is 'settled', kiddo is uprooted to 'settle' elsewhere.

This child (and most children) need a stable 'home base' from which to operate. And absences from that home base need to be as consistent and anticipatable (which should be a word) as possible.

That's why, incidentally, I dislike the rotating schedules even when they're 5225 or something of that nature. "This week, I'm with Dad on Tues/Wed and Friday. Next week, I'll be with him on Mon/Thurs" or whatever. Kids need to be able to look at a schedule and figure it out easily.

 

[randolph76]

I'm not sure I understand the preference for alternating by weeks. It would seem to me that it would be harder on the children. I understand it's much more common. I just don't get how it's necessarily better.