Uneccessary Medication

[rmet4nzkx]

Please note, the child was throwing "fits" and beating up her sister, the child is violent, that is a far cry from meltdown into tears or being a bi**h.

 

[stealth2]

Perhaps your daughter understands that acting out like this would not be tolerated in your home but thinks she can get away with it in her mother's home. My kids would throw severe tantrums over candy in the grocery store with their mother because they knew they could get away with it and were also likely to get their way. They never had one tantrum like this with us because they knew we would not tolerate it.

This is an important point from several different angles. The one Boyington presents is one. Sometimes, however, it's not a question of knowing that they can "get away" with poor behavior, but needing to have a meltdown and knowing that it will not be tolerated in one home or the other. Realistically, we all have our days. And we sometimes just can't contain the emotions, unhappiness, anger, whatever, and it all comes spilling out. Different parents handle those situations differently, and kids do know where they can let the hair down and where they can't. And..... kiddo may feel more comfortable being "emotional" around her Mom if she realizes why she's being all goofy.

 

[casa]

What if it has nothing to do with the fact that she started menstruating?

Perhaps there are differences in her two homes that she is rebelling against at this time. My daughters began acting up because their mother did not impose bedtimes on them and we did use bedtimes, we didn't let them watch R rated movies and made them do chores and things were different in their mother's home (they were 9&11 when this started)

Maybe your daughter doesn't feel like she gets enough privacy or quiet time in her mother's home and since she is physically maturing this could be more important to her than ever.

Could she feel like another child or person always gets the 'spot light' in her mother's home? Could she get the 'spot light' in your home and not understand why she isn't the star of the show in her mom's home?

Maybe at this time in her life both of her parents are treating her differently and she is acting out because of that. Perhaps one of you is treating her more like a child and the other is treating her in a more grown up manner. Your daughter could be rightfully or wrongly upset with the way one of you treats her and acting out because of it.

Perhaps your daughter understands that acting out like this would not be tolerated in your home but thinks she can get away with it in her mother's home. My kids would throw severe tantrums over candy in the grocery store with their mother because they knew they could get away with it and were also likely to get their way. They never had one tantrum like this with us because they knew we would not tolerate it.

There are just so many things to consider, it could be due to a multiple of problems. Perhaps her mother is stricter than you are or visa versa. Maybe she is wanting her mom to have more lax rules like you do, or want her mom to take more control in her house like you do in your home? There could be several things both of you could change in your homes that could help.

Is she having any problems with her friends? Does she have equal access to her friends and other activities in both homes?

Perhaps her mother cannot control her because her mother tries to argue with her or spend time calming her down rather than just being blunt and saying 'no', or 'go to your room until you are calm and then we can talk about what is happening after everyone is calm'. How can a child learn to calm themselves down and control their own emmotions if they always have an adult trying to do it for them or not giving them the time to do it themselves?

I personally do not see how counseling could hurt. And if it can't hurt and stands a chance to help a little then why not do it? Perhaps several doctors would recommend medication but counseling could help with other things going on her life that otherwise would have gone unnoticed?

I would attend any appointment your wife schedules for her so that the doctor will be aware of your concerns and have access to important information that peraphs only you could provide. I would also seriously consider counseling. Perhaps counseling just for your daughter, for your daughter and mother together, joint sessions for your daughter and her syblings, for the entire family together..or a combination of sessions that include different individuals..ect..

I would just consider that there could be other culprits other than the fact that she began menstruating, especially since she behaves differently in the two homes.

Several good points there...One of my children is ADHD and was having extreme problems in the NCPs home. We went to Dr. to check her medications etc. and then went to counseling to get to the bottom of it. Turned out there were so many differences between the homes that she didn't know what to do at the other home. And, in 'our' case (not saying it's true for your case) my child acted out at MY home when she returned from visitations- her therapist said it was the only place she had 'permission' to have feelings/input...having difficulty "keeping it all together" for the duration of the visits and returns home resulted in aftershocks. NCP was strict disciplinarian who used corporal punishment- had no specific daily schedule(disaster with ADHD kids), just dragged all the kids -step & bio alike- to whatever/whenever and expected them to behave like little robots.

We worked on behavior/expectation contracts- including chores, rules etc. We posted it in both homes, adhered to a schedule (or gave ample notice of changes) and did a positive reinforcement program for compliance. Voi La! It worked like magic This, of course, only works if BOTH parents are willing to cooperate.

 

[stealth2]

Please note, the child was throwing "fits" and beating up her sister, the child is violent, that is a far cry from meltdown into tears or being a bi**h.

Note also that the above description is third-hand. Dad, I suspect, doesn't even know what the girl did or the context in which she did it. I maintain that a check-up with her regular doctor is the place to start and then see where it goes. I really do think you're over-reacting on this one, rmet. I could be wrong. (It's happened before! )

 

[olikolik]

You have hit on a few things. My household is more strict then her other house. She also has 2 sisters at her other house, that are struggling in school and require more attention from her Mom.Her Mom also watches a baby for a girl she works with. She lives in a duplex next to her Aunt and her cousins, and she is babysat by her Aunt as well. She has told us that her Aunt calls her spoiled and other names, because she gets to come to our house. We are a bit more financially sound, and have a large enough house to fit all our kids. Her Mom has one room for 3 girls. They have moved more times then I can remember. There are a lot of issues she has with her Mom, but her Mom is one of those people who is too proud to admit any wrongdoing. I think a real Mom to daughter talk would do wonders, but I dont think it will happen. I am afraid a doctor will throw her on some drugs when all she needs is her Mom.

I am glad to see all these responses, as it makes me feel a bit better about the situation. I can see now where the use of meds may be necessary, when before all I could picture was all these things you see about kids being overmedicated for little things.

 

[stealth2]

LOL I bet you never expected to get a debate about hormonal preteens! But your thread did remind me of an email exchange I had last spring with my ex's wife regarding our daughter. It was........... interesting.

 

[tigger22472]

You have hit on a few things. My household is more strict then her other house. She also has 2 sisters at her other house, that are struggling in school and require more attention from her Mom.Her Mom also watches a baby for a girl she works with. She lives in a duplex next to her Aunt and her cousins, and she is babysat by her Aunt as well. She has told us that her Aunt calls her spoiled and other names, because she gets to come to our house. We are a bit more financially sound, and have a large enough house to fit all our kids. Her Mom has one room for 3 girls. They have moved more times then I can remember. There are a lot of issues she has with her Mom, but her Mom is one of those people who is too proud to admit any wrongdoing. I think a real Mom to daughter talk would do wonders, but I dont think it will happen. I am afraid a doctor will throw her on some drugs when all she needs is her Mom.

I am glad to see all these responses, as it makes me feel a bit better about the situation. I can see now where the use of meds may be necessary, when before all I could picture was all these things you see about kids being overmedicated for little things.

Ok.. this opens up a whole new area that I might be able to help you with here to help with your daughter. We have always tried to have a very open communication with my step-daughter.. Much like your daughter, my step-daughter spends two weeks with mom and two weeks with Dad. We continually stress that when there is a problem or she has ANY question she can come to us and talk about it. We also express that when a situation comes up at mom's that she should talk to her also about these things. The problem is, like your ex, my husband's ex refused to talk about or admit to anything that might slightly put her in a bad light. Mom recently got divorced and no one knew it, including step-daughter. This man had been in her life for nearly 5 years and she came home one day to find them taking her step-sisters bed apart. When asked why they were doing it all she was told was that step-dad was moving and step-daughter wouldn't be back. The husband moved out 2 months after the divorce (again no one had a clue they were divorced) and LITERALLY the next day a guy moved in. So, not only does step-daughter not understand what went on in that situation she doesn't know this guy very well and he's living in the house. He takes care of step-daughter and her brother when she's there and her mom's at work. We've tried talking to mom about things that step-daughter says bothers her. We've even had step-daughter call mom from here (mom being warned before hand) because she said she's scared to talk to her (which personally bothers me more then the issues at hand, in a few years she will be little Miss Drama Queen). Even with all of this mom isn't open with her daughter. She comes to us with questions we CAN'T answer and one's mom WON'T answer. We have had to tell her that she needs to take these as lessons learned and remember when she's older how it's made her feel. She will just have to accept these things as best she can and she can always come talk to us about things.

Point is this. You can't control your ex and how she parents your child (BTW, our home is the more stricter home also). Just be there for your child and let her know you're there. I do a lot of the talking with my step-daughter as I understand it and can explain it a lot better then my husband. Mom might be upset if she knew it but the thing she doesn't get is I'm trying to help her daughter have a better relationship with her... it's up to her to do the rest.

 

[casa]

You have hit on a few things. My household is more strict then her other house. She also has 2 sisters at her other house, that are struggling in school and require more attention from her Mom.Her Mom also watches a baby for a girl she works with. She lives in a duplex next to her Aunt and her cousins, and she is babysat by her Aunt as well. She has told us that her Aunt calls her spoiled and other names, because she gets to come to our house. We are a bit more financially sound, and have a large enough house to fit all our kids. Her Mom has one room for 3 girls. They have moved more times then I can remember. There are a lot of issues she has with her Mom, but her Mom is one of those people who is too proud to admit any wrongdoing. I think a real Mom to daughter talk would do wonders, but I dont think it will happen. I am afraid a doctor will throw her on some drugs when all she needs is her Mom.

I am glad to see all these responses, as it makes me feel a bit better about the situation. I can see now where the use of meds may be necessary, when before all I could picture was all these things you see about kids being overmedicated for little things.

It's unlikely a Dr. will prescribe medication a child does not need. If the mother is taking her to be evaluated for a chemical imbalance- she'll either have one or not.

If her other siblings are close in age to her- the fighting (though not being condoned, and seriously needing to be addressed) can happen in the most 'normal' families. My neices wrestled down the stairs over a hairbrush last month

Contact the Dr., try to make the appt and if you can't- call afterwards and talk about the appt. and what the Dr. thinks/recommends.

What can help is reinforce for your daughter that she needs to at least 'try' to be a part of the family unit at Mom's house, which means sharing space/things even when she doesn't want to. Reinforce violence won't be condoned by EITHER of you parents. Sometimes we have to support our kids through difficult times even when they are not with us. I understand you are concerned that the child doesn't have 'all' that she has at your house- when at Mom's, but in the end the STUFF wont matter.
I would, though, tell Mom what daughter has described in the way her aunt is treating her. Hopefully she'll address the issue.

Good Luck with your family.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

When a child has a sudden change in behavior, it is best to look at medical reasons, particularly since she is so young. She will most likely need to see her PCP first and then possibly one or both of the specialists I suggested. It might be easier to allow the pcp to treat, however there are special considerations for a child her age that are best addressed by the specialist who knows the tests to run and how medications act on a child her age. You didn't report a history of ADD/ADHD and this seems more than normal hormonal swings.

 

[olikolik]

I am hoping this will work out so that she can feel better at her Mom's house. We never put her down for the stuff she has, but as my daughter gets older it is more apparent to her. It is hard to miss seeing her stepdad that does not work and sleeps all day. She is getting to an age where she sees this and it makes her unhappy, add to that she feels that she does not get enought attention and an Aunt that taunts her, and I understand the problems they have.

My ex, was raised by a Mother who took her kids to the doctor habitually and made up things so she could collect SS and other government funds for her "chemically imbalanced kids". I dont think that my ex is this way, and my overrecation may come from a fear of this happening to my child. I saw how much it made my ex have emotional problems, and with the situation the way it is, the last thing I need was someone turning her into a project. These responses have helped me see that this is not an unusual thing.