What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York
I think I may have come to the right place! There's a lot to say but I'll try not to make it so long that nobody wants to read it. I'm a 23 year old male by the way.
In November, I had sex with a girl who I had met a few times but didn't have any real connection with. She had told me she was on birth control so I didn't think twice about protection. Big mistake, of course. A month later I got the text that she was pregnant. Naturally, this was Earth shattering news for me. She lives an hour away (we both live in New York State) and we honestly probably didn't expect to ever see each other again. Now of course, the first thing you're probably all thinking is to make sure the baby is mine. She claims that I am the only person she slept with in November. Maybe she's lying, but the dates certainly match up so I have to prepare for the fact that I'm a father until I find out otherwise. After all, I don't want to miss out on anything.
Obviously things were really difficult to swallow, but I knew I had to be there for my child as my parents were for me. I may be a male, but I'm not a stereotypical dead beat dad. My family has owned a daycare for 15 years now so I've been around infants and toddlers for most of my life. I have worked at a major baby product retailer for the past four years so I'm very familiar with all things pregnancy and infancy. I've always contended that having a child is the single most significant impact we can have on this earth and even though I messed things up, I still feel that way.
In talking to the mother, I told her that if we tried to force some sort of relationship, it most likely wouldn't work and then we would be even worse off. I suggested we try to be close friends from the start and support each other however we could, and then do the co-parenting route when the child is born. I did not want to disappear until the child was born and then act like a concerned father because that would certainly make me look like a hypocrite.
For a while, everything was fine. I made the hour drive to go to all of her appointments with her, and took her out to eat after each one. I made a point to meet her mother so she would see what I'm all about. Everyone seemed to assume that I didn't want to be involved so I've been trying to dispel that notion as best as I can. The one thing that her mother was very adamant about was not dragging things to court. She said it would end up costing everyone involved a ton of money and would make things way more stressful and tense. I tended to agree, and hoped we could resolve things amongst ourselves. The 'baby mama' and I got along really well and talked through text messaging pretty much daily. I was always there to listen to her problems and concerns.
But I'm posting on this forum, so things most have taken a turn for the worse, right? Last week we went to find out the gender of the child. I offered to split the cost and she gladly accepted. The day of the appointment, she started out by asking me to pay for the whole thing, which kind of caught me off guard. She then showed up at the appointment with two friends (a guy and a girl) which also blindsided me. It was incredibly awkward for me as I wasn't in the conversation and they just kind of did their own thing. We found out she's having a girl.
Things continued to worsen. She texted me saying she had picked out a name and had no interest in what I thought of it. I tried asking her if something was going on and just got dismissed with lines like, 'I'm not arguing with you right now' and 'my anxiety is too high to deal with you.' Out of nowhere, she seemed annoyed and bothered by me. And then she stopped responding to me for a few days.
Yesterday she finally decided to talk to me again. She said she still wants me involved but things are going to be 'different' now because she has a boyfriend. Who knows where this boyfriend came from or what guy would want to date a girl who is 4 months pregnant, but alas... She also said she decided it would be best if our daughter has her last name instead of mine. This is something I told her was very important to me from day 1 and she was on board with it until just now. 'It's ultimately my decision' was her justification and I guess she is right.
As horrible as it was to find out I impregnated a random girl, it's even more horrible to feel pushed out of her life now. I have done everything I could possibly do to show I care and to support her, and I'm still getting treated like some sort of thorn in her side. I have been searching the internet for advice but it seems my situation is few and far between. Most of the people asking questions like these are mothers, or fathers who have children that are already a couple years old.
Realistically, what should I expect here? I had this vision of having my baby 2-3 days a week starting at 4-6 weeks or so, but suddenly that seems like it might not be realistic. I'm prepared to pay child support and all of that even though I only work part time and go to school. It's honestly about doing whatever it takes to ensure I have as much influence on my child's life as I possibly can. Because I'm an unwed male who lives an hour away, am I pretty much screwed?
Thanks for any and all advice as it pertains to my situation. The extent of support I've gotten to this point has been 'make sure its yours' and 'wear a condom' so I'm really eager for knowledge here.
I think I may have come to the right place! There's a lot to say but I'll try not to make it so long that nobody wants to read it. I'm a 23 year old male by the way.
In November, I had sex with a girl who I had met a few times but didn't have any real connection with. She had told me she was on birth control so I didn't think twice about protection. Big mistake, of course. A month later I got the text that she was pregnant. Naturally, this was Earth shattering news for me. She lives an hour away (we both live in New York State) and we honestly probably didn't expect to ever see each other again. Now of course, the first thing you're probably all thinking is to make sure the baby is mine. She claims that I am the only person she slept with in November. Maybe she's lying, but the dates certainly match up so I have to prepare for the fact that I'm a father until I find out otherwise. After all, I don't want to miss out on anything.
Obviously things were really difficult to swallow, but I knew I had to be there for my child as my parents were for me. I may be a male, but I'm not a stereotypical dead beat dad. My family has owned a daycare for 15 years now so I've been around infants and toddlers for most of my life. I have worked at a major baby product retailer for the past four years so I'm very familiar with all things pregnancy and infancy. I've always contended that having a child is the single most significant impact we can have on this earth and even though I messed things up, I still feel that way.
In talking to the mother, I told her that if we tried to force some sort of relationship, it most likely wouldn't work and then we would be even worse off. I suggested we try to be close friends from the start and support each other however we could, and then do the co-parenting route when the child is born. I did not want to disappear until the child was born and then act like a concerned father because that would certainly make me look like a hypocrite.
For a while, everything was fine. I made the hour drive to go to all of her appointments with her, and took her out to eat after each one. I made a point to meet her mother so she would see what I'm all about. Everyone seemed to assume that I didn't want to be involved so I've been trying to dispel that notion as best as I can. The one thing that her mother was very adamant about was not dragging things to court. She said it would end up costing everyone involved a ton of money and would make things way more stressful and tense. I tended to agree, and hoped we could resolve things amongst ourselves. The 'baby mama' and I got along really well and talked through text messaging pretty much daily. I was always there to listen to her problems and concerns.
But I'm posting on this forum, so things most have taken a turn for the worse, right? Last week we went to find out the gender of the child. I offered to split the cost and she gladly accepted. The day of the appointment, she started out by asking me to pay for the whole thing, which kind of caught me off guard. She then showed up at the appointment with two friends (a guy and a girl) which also blindsided me. It was incredibly awkward for me as I wasn't in the conversation and they just kind of did their own thing. We found out she's having a girl.
Things continued to worsen. She texted me saying she had picked out a name and had no interest in what I thought of it. I tried asking her if something was going on and just got dismissed with lines like, 'I'm not arguing with you right now' and 'my anxiety is too high to deal with you.' Out of nowhere, she seemed annoyed and bothered by me. And then she stopped responding to me for a few days.
Yesterday she finally decided to talk to me again. She said she still wants me involved but things are going to be 'different' now because she has a boyfriend. Who knows where this boyfriend came from or what guy would want to date a girl who is 4 months pregnant, but alas... She also said she decided it would be best if our daughter has her last name instead of mine. This is something I told her was very important to me from day 1 and she was on board with it until just now. 'It's ultimately my decision' was her justification and I guess she is right.
As horrible as it was to find out I impregnated a random girl, it's even more horrible to feel pushed out of her life now. I have done everything I could possibly do to show I care and to support her, and I'm still getting treated like some sort of thorn in her side. I have been searching the internet for advice but it seems my situation is few and far between. Most of the people asking questions like these are mothers, or fathers who have children that are already a couple years old.
Realistically, what should I expect here? I had this vision of having my baby 2-3 days a week starting at 4-6 weeks or so, but suddenly that seems like it might not be realistic. I'm prepared to pay child support and all of that even though I only work part time and go to school. It's honestly about doing whatever it takes to ensure I have as much influence on my child's life as I possibly can. Because I'm an unwed male who lives an hour away, am I pretty much screwed?
Thanks for any and all advice as it pertains to my situation. The extent of support I've gotten to this point has been 'make sure its yours' and 'wear a condom' so I'm really eager for knowledge here.
