Update and need prognostications

[wikdogg]

Round and round

Ok you 2 are going in circles here. Me i can just state my opinion on this. I am 24 going through Custody battles w/ my X- girl (not married) Recently i was awarded supervised visitation because of my horrible mistake of breaking an Order of Protection and having a previous domestic violence charge. As a father, i know i may need some anger management counseling. My emotions sometimes turn into anger and hate, and i know i need to learn how to contol and react differently to anger. I love my 4 month old to death, i would do anything for here. Now in your case, this guy seems worthless, Has there been any previous convictions or police statements about his bad anger / violence? It sounds like to me w/ a lawyer you can fight sole custody. It seems in the child best interest to be w/ you. I dont think the father has proved himself to anyone yet, not even himself. My advice fight for sole custody, tell the judge, you want move time and evidence that the childs father is gonna in fact change for good. Best of Luck to ya

 

[childrenRpeople]

Not worthless

Ok you 2 are going in circles here. Me i can just state my opinion on this. I am 24 going through Custody battles w/ my X- girl (not married) Recently i was awarded supervised visitation because of my horrible mistake of breaking an Order of Protection and having a previous domestic violence charge. As a father, i know i may need some anger management counseling. My emotions sometimes turn into anger and hate, and i know i need to learn how to contol and react differently to anger. I love my 4 month old to death, i would do anything for here. Now in your case, this guy seems worthless, Has there been any previous convictions or police statements about his bad anger / violence? It sounds like to me w/ a lawyer you can fight sole custody. It seems in the child best interest to be w/ you. I dont think the father has proved himself to anyone yet, not even himself. My advice fight for sole custody, tell the judge, you want move time and evidence that the childs father is gonna in fact change for good. Best of Luck to ya

The man is not worthless...he needs help. He loves his child and my son loves him. He is a great dad when he off of drugs, mentally stable and not behaving aggressively.

I would not wish this downward spiral of a life that he lives on anyone, not even him.

I called the police twice on him. The first time, they asked me to leave with our child for the night since he was very drunk and couldn't drive. No arrests for his threats that time.
The second time, I called when he called and threatened me at work. There is a police report on file and I got a restraining order.

I am glad that he is appearing to rehabilitate from drugs, willing to get psychological help and enter anger managment therapy.

But I am terrified that he is doing this temporarily out of fear. Fear is a great motivator..I think a fire under our butts gets us going sometimes.

But what happens when the fire goes away? Will he go back to his destructive lifestyle as he has before?

That is why I'm asking for sole custodies right now, perhaps even monitored visits.

Perhaps it's best to stick it out now just in case.

CRP

 

[childrenRpeople]

Update

I'm in CA.

I have been advised that a judge is likely to order unmonitored visits based on my ex's recent sobreity, apparent mental health recovery and anger management therapy. I was told that joint legal custody is pretty much guaranteed to a visiting parent who meets the criteria that my ex is meeting.
So, it comes down to physical custody and I was told that physical custody is a label and that there are no additional legal rights associated with "sole physical custody." A joint physical custody arrangement could still contain diproportionate parenting time.

So the way I see it, there is no point in me continuing my legal battle currently. I should probably settle. If he returns to his former lifestyle and habits, I can ask for modifications then, is that right?

Now here is the thing. My ex earns less than me. He is convinced he's entitled to spousal support for half the length of our 2 yr. 7 mo marriage. He is working now but earns less than me.

There is also this issue...since I am the high earner and he wants 50/50 custody, might I have to pay him child support?

Whew..that would be a blow considering everything that's happened the last year.

 

[adonahee]

I say Follow your Gut-instinct about it!

Since there's no way to predict WHAT a judge will do, or not do, or how he will evaluate the entirety of the situation - I think you should follow you conscience, follow your gut-instinct, and follow your heart. You sound like a very reasonable and responsible mom. Everything you stated makes sense to me, and for the love of your child, continue to protect the child. There's nothing "mean" about making sure he stays clean long enough to prove he won't endanger the child - so I would go for sole custody with a provision to revisit the situation at a later date, and ease into a joint arrangement. It's not a money issue - not when it's for your baby.

 

[snostar]

Not sure how I missed this post, but wanted to add...

An advantage of settling is that not only do you save money, the court time, but you also get to include stipulations that you both can agree upon. In cases like yours this “safety net” option in the court order can be very beneficial for future concerns:

”The mother shall be entitled to request that he (father) submit to a drug/alcohol test within twenty-four hours of her demand. Said demand will be made by the Mother contacting GAL. The GAL will then contact the Father to advise him that he must submit to a drug/alcohol test within 24hrs. Said test may be urine, blood or hair follicle test based upon the Mother’s request. However, should the results be negative, then the Mother will pay 100% of the cost of the test. Should the test be positive, then the Father she’ll pay 100% of the cost of the test.”

If the GAL does not wish to be involved or there is not one assigned to your case, a certified letter to the father and court can be another option.

If the father were to test positive, you would have grounds for immediate temporary custody.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

And if I were to receive such a stipulation I'd simply write back "Kiss my ass."

Unless, of course, our poster would submit to an alcohol test upon demand of the father. Or a sperm test. Or any other such test.

The points have been made. She knew and accepted his drug use. Now it's either work things out on a level field with dad, or go before a judge who will TELL you how it's going to be.

And before you start throwing stones in court, remember, they come back twice as fast and twice as painful.

 

[snostar]

And if I were to receive such a stipulation I'd simply write back "Kiss my ass."

You're 20+ years sober, NOT under 6 months, there IS a difference! Perhaps you can tell this poster EXACTLY how such a stipulation would NOT be in the child's best interest. My point, in case you missed it, was that there are ways to compromise and alleviate future concerns while protecting the best interest of the child in a settlement.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

The point is, SHE can't do a damn thing about his drinking. Just as HE can't do a thing about her 'pulling a train' when the kid isn't home. Or popping a few Xanax and downing them with Jack Daniels.

That is up to the judge. And by putting the language such as you proposed, in the parenting plan, especially this sentence; "The mother shall be entitled to request that he (father) submit to a drug/alcohol test within twenty-four hours of her demand.", I don't know of a competent judge who would NOT tell the woman it's not up to her.

Keep the specific language out of the petition and request the court order quarterly drug screenings to include reports from his rehab program. Then it's up to the court to monitor the situation.

Or would this woman be comfortable having someone in her bedroom, bathroom or other place to 'monitor' her alcohol, drug and sex use?

 

[snostar]

I don't know of a competent judge who would NOT tell the woman it's not up to her.

I have seen this exact stipulation (or close to it) included in numerous court orders as a result of a settlement, in an event to compromise for the child's best interest. I have to admit incompetent judges may have been a factor but, I simply don't agree with keeping specific language out - imagine that!

 

[haiku]

I have seen this exact stipulation (or close to it) included in numerous court orders as a result of a settlement, in an event to compromise for the child's best interest. I have to admit incompetent judges may have been a factor but, I simply don't agree with keeping specific language out - imagine that!

yeah, but if the other person is not "dumb" enough to settle, your 'specific language' is likely to end up in the trash can.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I'm going to let you two discuss this. My tanks are charged and the boat is about to leave without me.

 

[snostar]

Hmm, I wonder what percent of our population is considered "dumb."

Enjoy yourself BlzBrz!

 

[childrenRpeople]

Provisions

Yes, I like the idea of provisions and understand both arguments by belizebreeze and snostar.
My ex says "no" to provisions. He says he will drug test once more, randomly in 6 months and then basically, I have to butt out...his lifestyle is his business. He won't agree to anything that says he will talk respectfully of me(using no degrading language) in the presence of our child either. I will agree to all provisions that I am requesting of him...including drug/alcohol tests.
I don't think the "pulling a train" analogy works...and think it is hilarious because it's so far removed from my lifestyle that it IS funny.
If a mom has the whole football team come over while her kid is away, she can still drive to pick up her kid. She is physically capable of transporting the child and parenting with a clear head (I'm leaving out judgements of the type of parenting such a mom might do).
If someone such as my ex decides to go back to smoking pot everyday and drinking the way he was drinking, I don't see how he can parent or drive with a clear head.
I don't think there is anything in the law that indicates that recuperating from vigorous sex counts as being "Under the Influence" where clearly, caring for a child, driving or operating machinery is affected by drug/alcohol use.
For the rec, Belizebreeze...I never accepted my ex's drug use. I knew he had battled drugs in the past, but people change. He lied and went back to his use. Perhaps I did make a mistake by being too optimistic, too hopeful and too trusting in this man but I never "accepted" his drugs/alcohol, especially in the context of parenthood. And as proof, there are a million conversations between me and his doctors documented that will prove that I was trying to get someone to help him all along...problem was, he didn't want to help himself.

 

[snostar]

He says he will drug test once more, randomly in 6 months and then basically, I have to butt out.

IMO, this is reasonable. The stipulation I posted was not intended to be long term (I should have included that).

 

[childrenRpeople]

Yes...snostar...

Yes, I guess it is reasonable.
I'm terrified, I guess....that he'll return to his former lifestyle (the one we moved away from...he was horrible aggressive during that stage too...straight out told me that if I didn't leave, there was going to be worse violence).
But I can't chase the man with a pee cup the next 50 years...and I don't want to.
I just want so badly to protect my little boy but I guess this is a situation where we can get precautionary provisions in place and hope for the best.
My ex doesn't want to agree to "easing" into joint custodies either.
Visits have been monitored for almost a year and he wants to jump to 50/50 time with our son.
I told him that IMO, it needs to be a transition...for his benefit (acclimating to parenting on that level again) and for our little boy who frankly, is used to me and my home being his stability.