Visitaion ?'s..looking for answers..

[cifn99]

undefinedWhat is the name of your state? IL.. My ex and I were divorced 11 yrs ago. We have never had any type of modification in all these years. I've never stood in the way of his relationship with our son, I encourage it. My ex and I used to always get along, friends that never should have married. My ? is, now that our son is 13, he is getting into sports and doing things with his friends,he doesn't want to spend 8 wks in the summer at his dads house. He still wants to go, just not for 8 wks. He will turn 14 in March. When he is at his dads, his dad and his step mother both work 2 jobs, leaving our son alone for up to 10 hrs a day. They had him in a DAY CARE up until this past summer when I threw a fit about it. He was then able to stay home alone, but here were we live he has family friends he could have been spending time with. He has a few cousins near his dad's house but his dad wouldn't let him see them over the summer because of various reasons. I just want to know if I can get a modification done where my son can go visit, just not where it is enterferring with his friends and sports activities. Thanks in advance for any help...

 

[stealth2]

Have you talked to Dad about this? How far away does Dad live?

 

[nextwife]

And out of curiousity, who moved away? Seems dad only gets him for summer because of a distance between the households.

Also, discuss summer camp for at least part of the summer. It would be way more fun for your son during the day.

 

[cifn99]

Visitation ?'s

His dad only lives 2 hrs away. His dad moved 5 times each time farther away, and this last time when he moved 2 hrs away from us which isn't that bad. We have met each other 1/2 way for the past 11 yrs. I talked to his dad about this b4, and he simply said, he doesn't care what our son wants. Like I said, our son still wants to see him throughout the summer, just not for a total of 8 wks with no coming home to see his friends. I just want to know if I would be able to get some type of modification. Thanks!

 

[cifn99]

Oh yeah....

Also, he gets to see our son every other weekend which is no problem for anyof us. It's just the summer vacations that are in question...thanks again...

 

[VeronicaGia]

undefinedWhat is the name of your state? IL.. My ex and I were divorced 11 yrs ago. We have never had any type of modification in all these years. I've never stood in the way of his relationship with our son, I encourage it. My ex and I used to always get along, friends that never should have married. My ? is, now that our son is 13, he is getting into sports and doing things with his friends,he doesn't want to spend 8 wks in the summer at his dads house. He still wants to go, just not for 8 wks. He will turn 14 in March. When he is at his dads, his dad and his step mother both work 2 jobs, leaving our son alone for up to 10 hrs a day. They had him in a DAY CARE up until this past summer when I threw a fit about it. He was then able to stay home alone, but here were we live he has family friends he could have been spending time with. He has a few cousins near his dad's house but his dad wouldn't let him see them over the summer because of various reasons. I just want to know if I can get a modification done where my son can go visit, just not where it is enterferring with his friends and sports activities. Thanks in advance for any help...

So his friends and sports activities are more important than his dad? Are they more important than you too? If you were the one getting the child during the summer and e/o weekend, would you let the child decide what's best? Or would you want to wait until the child was an adult to make these kinds of decisions? What if when the child turns 14 he no longer wants to go to school, or no longer wants to live with you AND no longer wants to see dad. Will you just let him?

Until the court order is changed, nothing can be done. And "because I don't want to" isn't going to be a good enough reason for the judge.

 

[nextwife]

Son can talk to dad about maybe asking some or one of his buddies up to Dad's for the weekend so they can spend time together. Sonny should explain to dad that he'd like it if he and dad to work out a way so he can also see his friends at times during his summer with Dad.

 

[cifn99]

Ok, never mind. All I was asking is if it could be MODIFIED,not STOPPED altogether like you assume. Don't worry about it, I'll look elsewhere for answers. thanks for the time here, I'm finished. I am too busy to argue over the internet with people I don't even know or to be cut down. Thank You.

 

[LdiJ]

While I appreciate the importance of ncps spending time with their children I do not believe that it is realistic not to expect some rebellion regarding summer visitation in particular, at about 13-14. I also think that the wise parent uses some flexibility during the teenage years. Their friends and their social lives often ARE more important to them during those years, and its been that way since the dawn of time.

Sports are often important to kids as well. Often those sports are a ticket to a possible college scholarship or for the really lucky ones, a career.

A parent who refuses to be flexible takes a huge risk in my opinion. They risk their teenagers seeing age 18 as "freedom day" and cutting them out of their lives completely....particularly if they are resentful because of missing things that are important to them. It only gets worse as they get older. What happens when this boy wants to have a summer job or has a girlfriend? We must not forget that we have many more years of an adult relationship with our children than we do a childhood one. While discipline must be maintained, we also have to look towards those adult relationships as well.

There are lots of ways that this dad can spend time with his son, without it being as structured and formal as it has been until now. He can invite his son's friends to visit, he can maybe take just six weeks in the summer instead of 8 and alternate them (one week with him, one week with mom), he can drive down to his son's community now and then just to have dinner with him or spend a day with he and his friends. There are options for flexibility.

 

[glowgirl]

I would also have to agree. I believe some individuals here jumped the gun while jumping on the poster. I think the best advice was already given, talk to the fatehr and if that doesn't work speak with a lawyer to see about any possible modifications. It was mentioned that you wouldn't let a 14 year old say I don't want to go to school and then not have to but I don't think that this comment relates to the situation. The child is just wanting a social life instead of staying home alone while visiting. The day camp idea was great and perhaps that is something the child may be interested in. Has anyone asked him? The father should indeed have the best interests of his child in mind and that is not saying that he has to give up his time, but he does have to compromise and set that one example of parenting. The father and son need to be encouraged to work this out together or the next summer may not be as positive as the last.

 

[BL]

I don't believe it was stated if the father was entitled to every other holiday or not.

Maybe that's why the 8 week summer vacation .

Also , I noticed the poster stated DAD don't allow son around certain people . There must be good reason.

One poster had an excellent idea. Summer camp . Also depending on what kinds of other activities are in the neighborhood , the kid could get involved in them .

It was suggested if the child rebells , the child might cut off contact after 18.
What is the difference if his visits and bonding get chipped away at ?

I agree as kids enter their teen years things change .

To answer the original poster, If you think you must, you have to petition the court, however you need to site ' A change of circumstances ". What are they ?

 

[LdiJ]

It was suggested if the child rebells , the child might cut off contact after 18.
What is the difference if his visits and bonding get chipped away at ?

What chips away at the bonding more? A totally resentful teenager that doesn't want to be there?..and who is ready to say "to heck with you" on the day they turn 18? Or a teenager that spends time with an ncp in a more flexible way and is therefore happy to see the parent when he/she does? I am not suggesting allowing the child to not visit at all...I am suggesting being more creative with the way that time is spent with the teen. Since the distance is only two hours he has more options than some ncps would have.

My daughter used to see her father on a daily basis. He would stop by every day after work for a couple of hours, and then spent all day with her on Saturdays. (Sunday was my day) Now he lives 4 states away (he moved) and sees her just 4 times a year for a week at a time. (she is 16 now) Their bond is STILL strong. Had she been younger when he moved that might have eroded the bond, but since she was older it didn't.

He could have gotten a court order for her to spend at least half of the summer with him, if not more. He chose not to do that. He came right out and told me that she wouldn't want to be away from her friends for that long, and that he would rather she be happy to see him, than resentful about it. Of course he and I are literally best friends (its almost like having another brother) so he doesn't have to worry about what I am saying to her or me being difficult, so I am sure that helps.