We give up!

[Theresia]

Then I would suggest you get counseling for yourself, 'cause this is an unhealthy situation for you AND your children. Hopefully he'll see (at some point) that it could help him as well to find a way to let go of the anger and hatred. It's bad for his son, and it's bad for him.

My ex is exactly like your husband. We're not friends by any stretch, but I'm willing to be civil at the very least. He won't even respond to an email from me because it's "best for the kids if we have no communication." Huh? How is it best for the kids if he doesn't know that our son made his personal best time in track? Or that our daughter is singing a solo in an upcoming concert (as well as the date/time of it)? Etc. I email him regardless (otherwise I'll be accused of not keeping him in the loop), and I have no doubt that he makes life hell for his new wife and her kids over it.

I'm not the one who needs counseling, but my husband could us some. He has so much hate in his system. I even was nice to his ex until she would call me and try to get me mad at my husband, telling me how he was in their marriage, etc. etc. I told her that was them and this is now and known to be a pathelogical liar told her I didn't believe everything she said. Made her mad. I really, really tried. My ex, although coming through financially, does not attend any of our son's basketball games, he just was nominated last year into the Who's Who Sport Edition. Even last week I told him I would give him a schedule but he wouldn't go, he said he wouldn't. That part of my ex I've given up on. Being a "dad" part. Never was, but never will be. I do like you and give report card info to him, whatever. That's the way my kids know their dad unfortunately. Why some parents don't want involvement in their kids' lives is beyond me.

 

[Theresia]

The bottom line is no one should have to pay $750 a month in child support without having the other parent having to prove that money is for the child! It is free money to the CP plain and simple and the legal system is a joke! And no, I'm not a NCP who has to pay CS, I'm a CP that only gets $104 a month from my ex. It doesn't come close to paying for what my son's needs and then they have the nerve to send him back to my house with a message to me that he needs new shoes and they tell him that is what they pay CS for! And while I don't intend to sit back and take it without a fight I know that my son loves his "step" DAD and me and knows that WE provide for him what he needs. We all know what my ex is missing out on because he's an ass, and my son knows it too. So until the court system changes and the liars and the cheats are stopped, I will keep my firm belief that my ex and his new wife (and all the other greedy parents out there) will get what's coming to them later in this life and from a higher being in the after life!

Finally, someone that agrees with me that is a CP. I think if they get a substantial amount, they should have to show a breakdown of it all, and what they cover in their home. Obviously with what you and I get from our ex's is definitely for food and necessaties. Do you know how much a 17 year old boy eats a month? No, he doesn't need clothes every month. We all know how much water bills generally run so why can't the high-paying NCPs be able to have it broke down to them by the CP. I totally agree with you about one day everyone who has done wrong to any other person in ANY way will have to answer to a higher power. Then they will have to travel that journey all alone. I always put any situation I'm having trouble dealing with in God's hands and trust him.

 

[AHA]

So, bottomline, the system sucks and always has, so it most likely will suck for a while longer.
Fine, now let's move on.

 

[haegrrl]

Originally Posted by cmorris
Then get custody and become the CP. Seems obvious to me!

Originally Posted by Theresia
Tried that, the kid is scared to death of his mom, so he won't leave her house.

Theresia, if your husband wants custody of his son, why hasn't he really fought for it? If the son is expressing unhappiness and abuse in the home, all he has to do is request that he wants to live with is father and in court state why. It also seems like you and your husband can provide a better loving and financially environment.

My boyfriend who is in the military visits his daughter like once every year (which is whole another story in itself). Anyway his daughter told him in January of this year that she was unhappy and afraid of her mother because of the verbal abuse and she never got to have new clothes or join any activities at school like cheerleading because the mom was living off of the child support. He is a Lieutenant in the Air Force and makes pretty decent money. They have been divorced for 12 years. She has never worked. She has always lived off his child support and the welfare system.

Anyway, he got an attorney and the hearing was setup for June and he stated to the judge why he wanted her and the daughter said she would rather live with her father (even though they barely knew each other) and he walked out of that courtroom with her that day!! She had just turned 15 the day before. I was stunned! We are in Texas. Non Custodials parents who are men, are having their voices heard more in court these days (as they should). If you and your husband want him, fight for him.

 

[Theresia]

I wish it was that simple for us. My step-son loves his mother and his father very much. He knows they would be in financial trouble if she didn't get his support. He has alot on his young shoulders. I will say, though, that lately he has told his dad that he's been thinking more and more about coming to live with us. He would never be able to go to court and tell a judge that his mom is the way she is. He's a very soft-spoken, loving boy. He is unhappy, but dealing with it. Next August, when he's 16, he can make the decision by himself. Also, once he gets his driver's license, he will be able to come over more on his own. He told his dad that the older he gets, the more he sees and understands. So I guess it's a waiting game. You can prove physical abuse in court, but the mental abuse issue will have to come straight from the boy and I really can't see him bringing that up. Of course, we want him here with us, but he would never say anything against his mom. He's one of those rare kids that does "Honor thy Father and thy Mother". It breaks our hearts and causing us great concern, but what can we do if he won't go against his mom. She doesn't physically abuse him, but he said he hears non-stop about how no good we are and he knows better. He told his dad that he lets it go in one ear and out the other. From previous experience of my own, that beats a person down just as bad as physical abuse. Thanks for your concern, we'll just have to see what happens down the road.

 

[stealth2]

Next August, when he's 16, he can make the decision by himself.

You'd best check on this. As far as I know, only GA allows a child to make this decision (at 14).

 

[haegrrl]

Well, if your husband's son wants to stick it out with his mother, then he is actually more stronger than what he shows.
It's really sad though because in the end his mother will lose him. They will never be able to have a close mother and son relationship because he will never forget the things she has said.

When he does decide to leave, even if it's until he graduates make sure your husband talks to him about being taken advantage of by women. Young men who grow up with dominating uncoth mothers tend to get involve with women just like that. They don't even realize it.

My neighbor's son sounds just like your step-son. Very loving, caring, tries to see the good in everyone and again doesn't like confrontations. He went to college to become a border patrol officer. He began dating a woman who already had two children. When she found out he was wanting to leave Austin after he graduated from college, she all of a sudden became pregnant and has insisted that he forget about that career. He nows is a security guard at a bank. She runs all over him because his mother ran all over his father and him. He never wanted to disappoint his mother and now he is involved with someone he doesn't want to disappoint either. It's really hurts just to see him with her. He is so unhappy.

I hope everything works out for your family. Take Care

 

[Theresia]

You'd best check on this. As far as I know, only GA allows a child to make this decision (at 14).

I have checked, but will recheck on the age in Illinois, thanks.

 

[Theresia]

Well, if your husband's son wants to stick it out with his mother, then he is actually more stronger than what he shows.
It's really sad though because in the end his mother will lose him. They will never be able to have a close mother and son relationship because he will never forget the things she has said.

When he does decide to leave, even if it's until he graduates make sure your husband talks to him about being taken advantage of by women. Young men who grow up with dominating uncoth mothers tend to get involve with women just like that. They don't even realize it.

My neighbor's son sounds just like your step-son. Very loving, caring, tries to see the good in everyone and again doesn't like confrontations. He went to college to become a border patrol officer. He began dating a woman who already had two children. When she found out he was wanting to leave Austin after he graduated from college, she all of a sudden became pregnant and has insisted that he forget about that career. He nows is a security guard at a bank. She runs all over him because his mother ran all over his father and him. He never wanted to disappoint his mother and now he is involved with someone he doesn't want to disappoint either. It's really hurts just to see him with her. He is so unhappy.

I hope everything works out for your family. Take Care

Thanks....my husband has talked to his son about this, and let's hope he still doesn't go down that road. I've also talked to my 17 year old son, who has seen what has gone on with his step-brother. My son can't understand because no matter what, I always work with his dad's family on making sure he sees them on holiday. My stepson was upset yesterday because he told his mom he wanted to spend some time with his dad's family (we live four miles from him, and never gets to see this side of the family for Thanksgiving, he always has to go to his step-dad's relatives house) and when his dad picked him up, he said his mom threw another fit because they wanted him with them. His dad is off today so he told his mom he wanted to stay with us and spend time with his dad. "No!" of course was her response because she wanted him to babysit his little sister so she could go shopping. So he was picked up at twelve and had to be driven to where they were by two. He was obviously upset and told his dad he's getting so tired of everything that's going on with his mom keeping his dad away. Well, remember I mentioned that his son was desparately needing a haircut? He told us yesterday that he kept telling his mom, but.....just like I said she wanted his dad to pay for one..$10. Well, we decided we were getting it done. Our sister in law is a licensed hairdresser and we drove to her house and he got his haircut, she didn't charge us Well, by the time we got him back to his mother, came in the house, there were two messages. One from his step-dad, one from his mom basically telling him that he was supposed to be with them! My husband got him there about 15 minutes late. Now my husband is worried about how she will be on that boy, all because of a haircut. Can't win.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I didn't even look at this thread until today.
You have not really asked a legal question, you came here to complain and vent, that is not the purpose of this forum, in fact initially misrepresented the facts claiming it was YOUR child support and YOUR ex not your husband's which is a typical tactic of angry steparents.

If you want more money, get a different job or work more hours, the money you earn is not child support, no matter what your husband says. When you marry a man with child support obligations, you know going in there will be financial consequences. WOuld you have married him if you knew he was a dead beat dad?

You need counseling and you and your husband need counseling. You left an abusive marriage, I take it your child who died was from that union? I'm sorry for your loss and lossess, but these are not the fault of the ex wife, but you seem to have unresolved grief/guilt issues which fuel your sense of entitlement and misdirected anger. Few marriages survive the loss of a child and if it was abusive, you are likely to repeat the pattern, because you get somehting out of it. In your case, it gives you someone else to blame rather than work on your problems.

You are in abusive marriage marriage with your husband breaking telephones in anger and being so controllong although he is right, you need to stay out of the child support issue, did you ever consider that your being in the middle of the support issue might be making things worse? Please step back as everyone has advised you in the past and get counseling. Furthermore, your husband's faliure to disclose the 401K opened him up to more legal consequences than when the calculation for childsupport was done, the 20% should be before the 401K, don't blame her for the law, your husband could have been charged with contempt and served jail time.

You live 4 miles from the step son, your husband should be able to have a relationship with his son, it may take some creativity, celebrate a holiday when he has his normal visitation or get a court order to allow him to have certain holidays on a schedule, he should go to his son's games if he is able, but if the strife between you and his ex is so bad, he might want to avoid it until all the parents can act like adults. Your step son is not starving and neither are you, both families are able to afford to pay a mortgage rather than rent, things could be a lot worse. Step back and get some counseling then ask your legal question, because until you work through your other issues, I don't believe you can actually formulate a legal question or consider any advice.

 

[Theresia]

I didn't even look at this thread until today.
You have not really asked a legal question, you came here to complain and vent, that is not the purpose of this forum, in fact initially misrepresented the facts claiming it was YOUR child support and YOUR ex not your husband's which is a typical tactic of angry steparents.

If you want more money, get a different job or work more hours, the money you earn is not child support, no matter what your husband says. When you marry a man with child support obligations, you know going in there will be financial consequences. WOuld you have married him if you knew he was a dead beat dad?

You need counseling and you and your husband need counseling. You left an abusive marriage, I take it your child who died was from that union? I'm sorry for your loss and lossess, but these are not the fault of the ex wife, but you seem to have unresolved grief/guilt issues which fuel your sense of entitlement and misdirected anger. Few marriages survive the loss of a child and if it was abusive, you are likely to repeat the pattern, because you get somehting out of it. In your case, it gives you someone else to blame rather than work on your problems.

You are in abusive marriage marriage with your husband breaking telephones in anger and being so controllong although he is right, you need to stay out of the child support issue, did you ever consider that your being in the middle of the support issue might be making things worse? Please step back as everyone has advised you in the past and get counseling. Furthermore, your husband's faliure to disclose the 401K opened him up to more legal consequences than when the calculation for childsupport was done, the 20% should be before the 401K, don't blame her for the law, your husband could have been charged with contempt and served jail time.

You live 4 miles from the step son, your husband should be able to have a relationship with his son, it may take some creativity, celebrate a holiday when he has his normal visitation or get a court order to allow him to have certain holidays on a schedule, he should go to his son's games if he is able, but if the strife between you and his ex is so bad, he might want to avoid it until all the parents can act like adults. Your step son is not starving and neither are you, both families are able to afford to pay a mortgage rather than rent, things could be a lot worse. Step back and get some counseling then ask your legal question, because until you work through your other issues, I don't believe you can actually formulate a legal question or consider any advice.

For YOUR information, my husband just started this 401K with his new job four years ago, they've been divorced for over ten years, she was never entitled to his 401K then because he didn't have one until this job. You bet I can vent and I cannot believe that you said I left and abusive marriage and get something out of my husband's anger. You have opened up a can of worms, my friend with your thoughtless comments to other abused or formally abused women. I was in a marriage with three children, I tried to believe in better or for worse til I couldn't take it anymore. Don't you dare judge me on my past marriage. You don't know me, keep your frickin personal thoughts to yourself, don't post them. If this is a legal forum where do you get off attacking me personally?!! I hope all you other formally abused women that have come a long way in their life, speak up to this person. I do not complain about the support anymore, I learned law is the law, I'm worried about the mental well-being of my step-son. I could care less anymore about the money. My world does not revolve around this woman and what she's entitled to. I only care about the boy now.Oh, yes, sounds easy to try and have a holiday when the boy is here, he never is!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Not matter what you say, you need counseling. YOU and your husband are abusive and I don't appreciate you cursing at me or anyone just because you don't like the response you get. You have continually lied on this forum and/or misrepresented the facts, such as inferring the the mother and current husband live of the child support $600-750 per month and that both the current husband and ex don't work whereas the current husband makes $70K per year according to your other thread, maybe that is where the new vehicles come from. Legally, neither your income or the current husband of the ex have any bearing on the issue and you have yet to ask a legal question which is the purpose of this forum.

Here is some of what you have said.

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?Illinois.

Well, update on my situation....the ex now will get to up HER child support to $750 a month from $600. She doesn't work at all, and now makes in child support as much as I do working with handicapped children in a school system five days a week, seven hours a day.... My husband brought up to his lawyer that she doesn't work, spent her son's personal savings for her own personal gain, AND spent her own child's college savings his dad started for him when he was five ($5000), he is now 15, to put a down payment on a Jeep she was leasing. Made absolutely no difference in our court system. Then complain to the court system.
My husband took $2700 out of his 401K to purchase a used truck for his son (with the intent that his son will pay him back) Who's intent? Was there a contract? A contract with a minor?
and once she found out he had a 401K, told her lawyer to make sure he took 20% out of his paycheck BEFORE his contribution. So now he has to lower his 401K to a measly 5%. Yeh for the system! Your husband is supposed to fully disclose his finances, this affects the available income for the calculation of child support as it was, it sheltered $150 that was available for his son's support, if he has been doing that for 4 years, let me calculate how much money he deprived his son and YOU instead had access to, 48 months times $150 = $7,200, hummm that's more than the college funds, good thing the court didn't assess arrears with interest or put him in jail, no wonder he is not protesting.
I'm all for child support, mind you, but come on! That's right, your husband shouldn't attempt to shelter or hide money that is contempt of court.
In the meantime she and her husband drive their frickin new cars around and my husband and I drive our ten year old vehicles. Both with over 150,000 miles on both of them.
Together you have different incomes, the ex's husband makes $70K per year and supports his family. It is possible to live in IL on $70K and be a stay at home mom, and as you said, they have a child together so that child is what, less than 10 yo? Again, your and his incomes are not the issue, if you want more money get a job that pays more than $750 per month or work full time.
I'm totally disgusted that something cannot be done about these non-working CP's! How can they get away with not providing any support whatsoever? She is providing car for her son, that is how. Is this child doing poorly in school or in trouble with the law? No you describe a well behaved child, who excells in sports, like it or not, he is getting adequate care and mom is making a contribution to his support, you have no say whether or not she works.

For YOUR information, my husband just started this 401K with his new job four years ago, they've been divorced for over ten years, she was never entitled to his 401K then because he didn't have one until this job.
I never said she was entitled to the 401K, your stepson's support is to be calculated before this money is taken out, that is why your husband now owes $750 per month, anytime there is a significant change in income, up or down, child support can be modified, your husband got caught sheltering income.

You bet I can vent and I cannot believe that you said I left and abusive marriage and get something out of my husband's anger.
Sorry, this forum is NOT for venting, it is for asking legal questions which you refuse to do, nor do you really understand the advice you are given because of your uncontrollable hostility. You did say you had left an abusive marriage and here is exactly what you said:" No, it is not my life mission to make it my problem, I would give anything to have a peaceful life. I have had so much tragedy in my life emotionally in the last eight years, that you have no idea. My son was killed eight years ago, his best friend was killed in an accident nine months later, my mother died from cancer ten months after my son passed and I finally got the courage to leave an abusive marriage after 18 years. You have no idea the emotional turmoil I've had to endure and thought I could finally have a happy life and now I have to deal with some people. I get along fantastically with my ex's wife. We have an excellent relationship. I just don't understand someone that takes, takes, takes. I probably won't post anymore, so that should make some of you happy. I'm emotionally spent. For those of you that understand, thank you, those that chose to use harsh words with me, try to understand. I just want to finally be happy for once in my life, and not have so much turmoil." It pretty much says it all. Were you lying again or just trying to manipulate our sympathies?

You have opened up a can of worms, my friend with your thoughtless comments to other abused or formally abused women. I quoted your thoughtless and abusive comments, they are your words and threats never to post here again, it has nothing to do with my being thoughtless about abused women or people suffering grief, the only one doing that is you and misrepresenting the facts to gain more sympathy and excuse for your anger.

I was in a marriage with three children, I tried to believe in better or for worse til I couldn't take it anymore. Don't you dare judge me on my past marriage. You don't know me, keep your frickin personal thoughts to yourself, don't post them.
They are your own words and thoughts, you need to own up to them and quit trying to make others responsible for your issues, please get some counseling.

If this is a legal forum where do you get off attacking me personally?!!
I didn't attack you personally, YOU attacked me and everyone who didn't agree with you, you were the one swearing, I merely used your own words and the little truth that you posted in response to your legal question which mostly meant explaining two times why your husband owes more child support and that you need to step back and get some counseling, in fact, I won't suggest or use the words, "closure" because you will never have closure re your son's death, hopefully counseling can help you adjust to your situation so your relationships will improve.
I hope all you other formally abused women that have come a long way in their life, speak up to this person. I do not complain about the support anymore, I learned law is the law, I'm worried about the mental well-being of my step-son. I could care less anymore about the money.

That was not the issue you brought up in your question, it was about child support being unfair, you are only raising the issue of your stepson's mental health now that you have to admit that according to the law, your husband owes the child support and you need to step back.

My world does not revolve around this woman and what she's entitled to. I only care about the boy now.Oh, yes, sounds easy to try and have a holiday when the boy is here, he never is!!!!!!!!!!!

Please get some counseling.

 

[stealth2]

Most of the time CS is calculated BEFORE voluntary deductions. Such as pension funds.

 

[tigger22472]

Most of the time CS is calculated BEFORE voluntary deductions. Such as pension funds.

And even before non-voluntary deductions including Taxes cuz I'll tell ya what, if I had a choice I wouldn't pay them..

 

[Theresia]

Not matter what you say, you need counseling. YOU and your husband are abusive and I don't appreciate you cursing at me or anyone just because you don't like the response you get. You have continually lied on this forum and/or misrepresented the facts, such as inferring the the mother and current husband live of the child support $600-750 per month and that both the current husband and ex don't work whereas the current husband makes $70K per year according to your other thread, maybe that is where the new vehicles come from. Legally, neither your income or the current husband of the ex have any bearing on the issue and you have yet to ask a legal question which is the purpose of this forum.

Here is some of what you have said.


Please get some counseling.

You need to get glasses. I never said that her current husband didn't work. He quit a job making $12 an hour to go to another job that he said (told step-son) that would net him $70,000 a year. The job didn't pan out as they thought it would. Bought two new cars (he was driving the company car at his old job) and discovered that in order for him to make big money would have to try to advance in the company over a period of several years. He obviously didn't get all his information correct before accepting this job. So now they have bills they can't cover. I have not lied about one thing that was posted. Also if you go back far enough, you'll see I did ask a legal question from the get go. "Does it matter if the CP doesn't work at all?" Question to the forum. How was I abusing you after you criticized me? If you can't take it, don't dish it out. I don't need couseling thank you.