What do I do?

[rey4061]

What is the name of your state? Iowa

My situation is this... I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 2.5 years and we are currently engaged. However, I am seriously wanting to call off the engagement for several reasons, mainly I just don't really love her enough to marry her anymore. Anyway, from time to time we have had arguments and fights as I'm sure every couple does. On one occassion she started throwing my clothes and personal items around. I rushed in and held her arms down kind of in a bear hug but did not hurt her. I just stopped her from continuing her psychotic behavior.

This was about 3-4 months ago and no she is threatening me. She is telling me that if I leave her, she is going to call the police and have me arrested for something that happened long ago.

My question is this... Can she do that? I've read several posts stating that if she considered this to be abusive (which she has not mentioned anything until now) she should have called the police immediately. That is, if she felt threatened. She did not. So, can we logically assume that since she did not feel threatened by it, that she has no leg to stand on in this matter?

By the way, she is a person who bruises very easily and I did not bruise her in holding her arms.

Please help or give me any advice you can.

Thanks!

 

[dequeendistress]

Yes, she can file a complaint, and if it is a false complaint she can be charged with such.

 

[JETX]

"My question is this... Can she do that?"
*** Of course she can call the police. However, they will not do anything on such an old complaint.... and absent any evidence of injury or violence.

Presuming you live together, there are lots of issues you would have to resolve to 'release' you from this ticking time bomb (and that is what she is!).

Property:
At this point, your best option is to wait until she is out and pack ALL of your personal belongings and remove them from the premises. Do NOT take anything of hers, or anything that she can claim as hers. If you have any common owned items (furniture, etc.) leave her a note that you will contact her to negotiate a resolution to those items (keep a copy). Then follow up in a few days and negotiate. Don't be greedy or vindictive.

Lease: (if one)
If you have any lease obligation (to landlord, her or others), you need to be prepared to 'pay-out' the remaining portion of your lease.... or to try to negotiate an early termination of your obligation.

As for actually breaking up.....
Be sure you do this is a neutral public place (to protect you from further claims).

 

[dequeendistress]

Not to step on Jetx's extremely complete response:

But if you and her "get into it" Do NOT touch her (grab her arms-etc) simply do not participate in the argument in this manner...if you must leave to keep from grabbing her~do so.

I feel that your question was based on the fact that these "fights" are continuous. As Jetx stated, and I did not clarify, No the police are not going to arrest you on the spot based on a complaint originating from 'months ago', but who knows what she may say...looks to me like it is an idle threat for you to do what she requests or it is an immenent threat that she will follow thru with and you need to cut your ties to this relationship.

Not legal advice, just advice.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

The thing with domestic violence is that she can make a complaint and even if it is false or at least in your mind false depending on the court an order may be issued anyway. You both may be operating on two different sets of rules as to what will happen. Whether or not you two stay together I suggest that you two get some counseling at least around the issue of anger management, throwing things around is not an appropriate response in an argument. If you had called the police you know she would have claimed that you hurt her when you restrained her or she was acting in self defense and usually people will believe the woman.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) they can give you referrals to help in your area and another source of information for domestic violence for men is National Domestic Violence Helpline for Men, Battered Men's Helpline. As a non profit organization we offer phone support, information, resources and referrals to (primarily but not exclusively) male victims of intimate partner/spousal abuse and to those who care about them. Our toll free number is available 24/7. We hold a yearly conference on male victims of domestic abuse., PO Box 252, Harmony, ME 04942 www.batteredmenshelpline.org or help@batteredmenshelpline.org or 207-683-2515 and alternatives to violence resources for men Men's Alternatives to Violence, http://www.menstuff.org/resources/resourcefiles/alttoviolence.html

It is important if you are the victim of abuse, is important to establish you are the victim before you are identified as the abuser, geting some specific assistance will help you.

You say that your gf bruises easily and that she didn't bruse when you gave her the bear hug, you believe this means that it wasn't hard enough to hurt her. Actually if she has a hisotry of bruising easily she could have one of several bleeding disorders, these often are tricky to diagnose because during times of stress, as in an argument, cortisol may inhibit the bleeding/bruise while at other times bruise for no apparent reason or long after the injury. So she might not have a bruise from a significant injury and you get blamed because she suddenly develops significant ugly bruises. Your gf should consult her doctor about the bruising problems for her own wellbeing, even if it isn't diagnosed at least it is documented that she has the problem, so that you don't find yourself defending pictures of bruises you didn't inflict. It can take years to get a diagnosis via lab tests and could possibly be a problem durig pregnancy/childbirth. Send me a pm if you want more informaiton on this issue.

 

[JETX]

The thing with domestic violence is that she can make a complaint and even if it is false or at least in your mind false depending on the court an order may be issued anyway.

And of course, NONE of that has anything to do with the issues or concerns raised by the OP. Clearly you are confused as to the subject being 'discussed'.

Your assumption that a complaint (your word) would lead somehow to a court (again, YOUR words) is simply ludicrous. There are only two ways that this months old complaint could see a court.
1) By the 'victim' filing a complaint with the police and the OP being arrested. Based on the fact that this happened months ago and no CURRENT (if ever) evidence of violence, no arrest.
and
2) The 'victim' filing a PETITION (not a complaint) with her local courts for a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order). And though a court could hear her comments, again without any current evidence of violence, I doubt a court would grant the petition.... though it could be possible if the petitioner can show the court that there HAS been violence in the past with a continuing THREAT of violence.
And of course, we have nothing to support that either of the above is true.

As for the suggestion that they call some 'Domestic Hotline', that might be well and good if the OP were planning to remain involved, but it is clear that is not the case.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Some DV petitions have stated timelines during which the abuse may have occured, IOWA doesn't state a specific window or that it need be immediate but instead qualifies the relationship, so it doesn't have to be immediate and may include acts other than physical violance. IF SHE HAS THREATENED, HE SHOULD KNOW ALL HIS OPTIONS AND CONSULT LOCALLY.
"Abuse. Abuse may take many forms. Among the types of conduct which constitute abuse under (IOWA) Chapter 236 are the following:
* hitting
* slapping
* pushing
* pulling hair
* dragging or throwing someone around
* kicking
* poking with an object or with hands
* throwing something AT a person
* pointing or firing a gun at someone
* forcing unwanted sex or sexual activity
* showing a knife or other weapon while making threats to the person’s safety
* stabbing/shooting/beating with an object
* threatening to cause physical injury and being able to do it"

He actually might be wise to apply for a protective order before leaving, that is one resason I referred him to the DV #'s

Some statutes allow for a Domestic Violence window of 5 years when[Ca FC3040-3048], fleeing with children to avoid DV [18USC1204(C)(2). That is not to say that they have children but to show that there is a broad interpretation to claims of DV and caution, in addition to assumptions on who the victim is. In fact, Iowa has some fairly stringent enforcement when the petitioner violates the order. Obtaining an order is one thing, proving it is another.

He stated that his gf was threatening to have him arrested if he broke up with her. Yes, she can, that is what I responded to. "On one occassion she started throwing my clothes and personal items around. I rushed in and held her arms down kind of in a bear hug but did not hurt her. I just stopped her from continuing her psychotic behavior.
This was about 3-4 months ago and no she is threatening me. She is telling me that if I leave her, she is going to call the police and have me arrested for something that happened long ago.
My question is this... Can she do that?"

The answer is still, YES! According to Iowa law:
1. What are the legal requirements for a domestic abuse protective order?
Domestic abuse takes many forms. However, not all domestic abuse fits under the legal definitions included in Iowa's domestic abuse law, Chapter 236, Section 236.2. You must know what must be proven to get a protective order or other help under Chapter 236.
The legal requirements you must prove are these:
1. Relationship:
You must show that you and the abuser meet ONE of the following:
* Presently married, even if you are not living together.
* Divorced or separated, whether or not living together.
* Living together (co-habitating) in an intimate relationship with the abuser at the time of the abuse.
* Living together and related by blood (such as parents) or by affinity (such as adoption or marriage).
* You and the abuser are parents of the same child who is under 18 years of age.
* You and the abuser lived together at some time during the past year and were in an intimate relationship.
* You and the abuser lived together at some time during the past year and were related by blood or affinity.
* You and the abuser are dating.
* You and the abuser were dating and have had contact within one year of the assault.
2. Abuse and present threat of harm:
You must show that an assault, as defined in Iowa Code section 708.1, has occurred. Assault means ONE of the following must have happened:
* Someone physically abused you; OR
* Someone pointed a gun at you or displayed a dangerous weapon (such as a knife) toward you in a threatening manner; OR
* Someone threatened you with physical contact which would cause pain or injury; AND
o The threat put you in fear, AND
o The threat could be carried out immediately.
and:
* Law enforcement response – The role of the peace officer is to enforce the law and protect the victim. When a peace officer investigates and finds “probable cause” to believe a domestic abuse assault has been committed, the officer must arrest when
o The assault resulted in bodily injury to a victim, or
o The assault was committed by someone intended to seriously injure the victim, or
o A dangerous weapon was used or displayed in connection with the assault, or
o The abuser is in violation of an order issued under the domestic abuse statute, a divorce action, or a criminal action.
A peace officer may arrest if the officer investigates and has probable cause to believe that domestic abuse assault was committed, although no injury resulted to the victim.
* County attorney response – After charges are filed by a victim or by a police officer, the case is referred to the county attorney in the county where the assault is said to have occurred. The county attorney will review the case and make a decision about whether or not the case will go to court and what charges will be used. Because domestic abuse can range from simple assault to murder, the criminal charges that result will vary. Charges can include various levels of misdemeanor assault, willful injury, sexual abuse in the third degree, terrorism, stalking, harassment, or going armed with intent. Chapter 236 has some domestic abuse assault criminal penalties. More penalties are found in Chapter 708 of the Code of Iowa.

Sorry if I wasn't clear enough, I thought giving the referals to the DV numbers might help him in assessing his options in Iowa which has no resources for male victime.