What is my obligation?

[escape2paradise]

I am really kind of leaning towards your attorney's point of view on this. I honestly think that you are going to need at least a short term pattern of dad being a no show (and without you knowing in advance so that you don't have to show either) before you are going to really be justified in taking it back. Its unfortunate that your attorney didn't try to get some notification period included in the order....since everyone knew that grandma would not always be available, so that would have been the "excuse". However, that didn't happen, so now I do think its better, legally, to wait.

I understand that what is better legally is not necessarily what is better for your daughter, but ultimately, what is better legally is going to protect your daughter more.

She also isn't a baby anymore, and everything is out in the open now, so you and she can talk. Its also an emormous lesson to your daughter about the evils of drugs. You can point out to her that if she avoids them now, she is less likely to repeat the mistakes of her father.

The order has not been signed yet, thus it may not be too late to add some verbiage in there to cover it. Which is what I had asked my attorney about when he was drafting it. I didn't think about wording or presenting it as necessary for Grandma.

 

[escape2paradise]

I'm a bit surprised that no one seems concerned about this. I, for one, am very concerned. Is this person capable of pulling this off? Where would dd go if this did happen? Is there any way to document the fact that he is saying this?

~Christina

We are concerned, however, there isn't much we can do about it at this point. DD told me this stuff after the trial was over. She has told her counselor about it as well. The thought or hope is that dad is unlikely to complete the steps necessary to move beyond supervised visits. If he does then I'll have to open this can of worms at that time.

In the meantime we are more cautious. I have no doubt that the X is capable of murder and that is no exageration.

If something were to happen DD would be taken care of financially (and evidentally X has asked her many questions about my life insurance) and there is plenty of family to take her in. X would not get custody I am confident of that.

 

[escape2paradise]

Unless grandma officially agreed in court to be the supervisor, grandma can put any rules she wants on sonnyboy. She doesn't HAVE to be available.

GM did not agree in court, only verbally to myself and the GAL. She does not have to be available, it is up to her.

 

[LdiJ]

We are concerned, however, there isn't much we can do about it at this point. DD told me this stuff after the trial was over. She has told her counselor about it as well. The thought or hope is that dad is unlikely to complete the steps necessary to move beyond supervised visits. If he does then I'll have to open this can of worms at that time.

In the meantime we are more cautious. I have no doubt that the X is capable of murder and that is no exageration.

If something were to happen DD would be taken care of financially (and evidentally X has asked her many questions about my life insurance) and there is plenty of family to take her in. X would not get custody I am confident of that.

Based on that, I have a very strong recommendation for you. I recommend that you go to an estate attorney and establish a trust with your daughter as the beneficiary. Name two people that you utterly trust to act as trustees, and put some stringent wording in the trust documents directing how the trust money may be used. Make sure that your daughter doesn't receive any kind of lump sum until she is at least 25 or 30. Then, name the trust as the beneficiary of your life insurance, rather than your daughter.

Then, make a will, and direct that upon your death, that all of your assets are to revert to the trust as well.

Once that is all done, find some clever way to make sure that the information filters back to your ex...so that he utterly knows that there is no possible way that he could ever get his hands on any of your daughter's inheritance.

That will protect your daughter, and might protect you as well.

 

[escape2paradise]

Based on that, I have a very strong recommendation for you. I recommend that you go to an estate attorney and establish a trust with your daughter as the beneficiary. Name two people that you utterly trust to act as trustees, and put some stringent wording in the trust documents directing how the trust money may be used. Make sure that your daughter doesn't receive any kind of lump sum until she is at least 25 or 30. Then, name the trust as the beneficiary of your life insurance, rather than your daughter.

Then, make a will, and direct that upon your death, that all of your assets are to revert to the trust as well.

Once that is all done, find some clever way to make sure that the information filters back to your ex...so that he utterly knows that there is no possible way that he could ever get his hands on any of your daughter's inheritance.

That will protect your daughter, and might protect you as well.

Thanks LDiJ, Actually I have thought about this. I used to be a financial advisor so am familiar with the process, just didn't figure is was necessary at the time we purchased our policies. I never thought about having it filter back to the X. That is a good idea. Though I'm not so certain that money is the main motivator.

I'm certain his motivation is revenge for the perceived wrongs I've committed against him. Funny, he is the one who initiated our case and a came out of the gate accusing me of abuse. I didn't accuse him of anything, just let the GAL, that he requested, investigate and I somehow am the one to blame for all of this.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks LDiJ, Actually I have thought about this. I used to be a financial advisor so am familiar with the process, just didn't figure is was necessary at the time we purchased our policies. I never thought about having it filter back to the X. That is a good idea. Though I'm not so certain that money is the main motivator.

I'm certain his motivation is revenge for the perceived wrongs I've committed against him. Funny, he is the one who initiated our case and a came out of the gate accusing me of abuse. I didn't accuse him of anything, just let the GAL, that he requested, investigate and I somehow am the one to blame for all of this.

Money may not be the main motivator, but money may be the thing that sends him over the top...the thing that tempts him to act upon his hatred, or the lack of money, may be the thing that makes him think twice about taking the risks. Its really disturbing that he asked your child about that. I would like to see you as protected as possible.

 

[escape2paradise]

Money may not be the main motivator, but money may be the thing that sends him over the top...the thing that tempts him to act upon his hatred, or the lack of money, may be the thing that makes him think twice about taking the risks. Its really disturbing that he asked your child about that. I would like to see you as protected as possible.

Thanks again LDiJ. Yes, I couldn't believe he would say those things to her either. According to her, when he was still having regular visitation, he would tell her almost every visit, that she shouldn't be surprised to wake up and find my husband and myself dead. Why he would think she would want to hear such things is beyond me. I think he must really believes that DD hates me as he does.

I've always known X had violent and irrational tendencies. I just didn't know why until all the mental health records surfaced. I think that he has really gone off the deep end in the last two years. It's just really scary!

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Do you have a "letter to be opened upon my death" stashed with anyone outside your home? If not, might suggest it. Have in it all the details that you can remember.

 

[escape2paradise]

Do you have a "letter to be opened upon my death" stashed with anyone outside your home? If not, might suggest it. Have in it all the details that you can remember.

No, I hadn't really thought of that since my whole family and my close friends know the details. I think X would be the first person they looked at if something were to happen to me. It probably wouldn't hurt to do the letter anyway, it might help speed things up for the authorities and even though others know my situation, they can't possibly know the details like I do.

It's kind of bizarre sitting here talking about my own demise. I don't think one can ever really fully believe that something like that will happen to them. However, I'm certain that others who were threatened and then later killed, also felt that the situation was surreal and though possible, unlikely. I'm really hoping for the unlikely part!

 

[mmmagique]

I'd do a video. And if you feel that she is strong enough to handle it, have your dd testify on tape as well.
She could casually mention sometime to her "loving father" that you all made the tape and that it is locked in a safe deposit box to be opened upon your death...
Ldij gave you some terrific advice, btw!

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I would not involve the daughter in the video taping. Definitely mention how it came to be found out, and where corroborating evidence can be found.

 

[Isis1]

this really took a morbid turn.
i'd put it in a safety deposit box and give the key to a relative. and me being me, i'd start taking self defense classes along with some gun training.

 

[escape2paradise]

Yeah, I'm not keen on the video tape thing. I don't want DD anymore involved than she has already been. When she told me these things, we talked a bit and then I told her it would probably be a good idea to talk to the counselor. She did tell the counselor and then told me a bit about the discussion. I guess she told X's mom too or at least she said she did. I have not talked to GM about it.

I have had some gun training, safety etc...I could definitely use some target practice.