when can children decide who to live with

[Valerie351w]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?NY Hi..I have been devorced for 8 years.I have 2 boys ages 11 and 13 now...thier father and I have joint custody , he has 40% and I 60%...We live within walking distance from each other ..this has always seemed to work out well for the boys but now I believe.. their father has manipulated them into thinking they would have more fun living with him all the time... He hasn't worked since 1999 ..so called work related injury....he buys the boys anything they want and from what i can see lets them do as they please...In their eyes he's daddy-do-all....though he can't seem to pay his bills , he has had the phone shut off numeruos times and has back property taxes due..ect. I work and don't always have the time to "do-all"...I think the boys have got the idea that you don't have to work to get anything and i have tried to show them the real world...my 13 year old won't even make a grilled cheese sandwich for himself....anyhow the ex says he will take me to court if I don't allow them to come live with him...will he be able to get total custody if the children say they want to live with him??

 

[sirxamiel]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?NY Hi..I have been devorced for 8 years.I have 2 boys ages 11 and 13 now...thier father and I have joint custody , he has 40% and I 60%...We live within walking distance from each other ..this has always seemed to work out well for the boys but now I believe.. their father has manipulated them into thinking they would have more fun living with him all the time... He hasn't worked since 1999 ..so called work related injury....he buys the boys anything they want and from what i can see lets them do as they please...In their eyes he's daddy-do-all....though he can't seem to pay his bills , he has had the phone shut off numeruos times and has back property taxes due..ect. I work and don't always have the time to "do-all"...I think the boys have got the idea that you don't have to work to get anything and i have tried to show them the real world...my 13 year old won't even make a grilled cheese sandwich for himself....anyhow the ex says he will take me to court if I don't allow them to come live with him...will he be able to get total custody if the children say they want to live with him??

The courts will look at both living situations. They will also look at the interests of the children. They can call the children in to speak with them, and the judge may or may not consider thier statements, but it all boils down to the judges decision. My advice to you would be to let them go live with them. You say they think the grass is greener on the other side. Id let them go, since they live within walking distance. Let the children decide for themselves. This situation really doesnt have to go to court. Once they figure out that they cant have a telephone, or they have to do things thierselves, and once daddy figures out that he has to take ALL of his money to take care of them, then most likely, hell send them back. Fight fire with fire. Is daddy going to fix cheese sandwiches for them everyday? The children are at the age where they think they know everything. So prove it to them. Trust me, when they need something badly, most children come running back to mommy. And if they start coming to your house for things they need and want, such as a phone or food, deny them. Most people would cuss me for saying that, but you have to teach them. They are obviously trying to rebel against you, so you have to stand firm and let them know that you have raised them for most of thier life, and you will help them in any way you can, but you will not stand for them playing you against him.If they want to go live with him, then they will have to get used to the way he lives, and that they cant come running for mommy every single day when they want a cheese sandwich or want to use the phone. Once they figure out that the reason the grass is greener on the other side is because there is more **** over there, then they will reconsider what they have done, and come RUNNING back to you.

 

[Valerie351w]

Thanks for the advise.. I've always been the one to take them to the doctors and dentist...and maybe the kids won't thinks it's so cool to go without internet...It will be hard to deny them things though...My one fear is that they will run wild...they both do very well in school now...Will they understand tough love??

 

[stealth2]

So how is it that at 11 & 13, with you having them a bit more than half the time for 8 years, they're not able to do for themselves? Do not put it all on Dad - you are also responsible if you haven't been teaching them these things. And don't give me "he's the fun parent". BTDT and my response to my kids is "yeah, well, I'm not your Dad." Mine are the same ages as yours. Quit putting up with their crap and quit being their maid.

 

[SITLYNNE]

I totally agree with "tough love". I was in the exact same situation less than 1 year ago and fought until I was out of money to retain joint custody of my 14 and 9 year olds. The arrangement was this way for 5 years. It worked great until dad convinced the boy all the same, more fun, more money if he didn't pay me support, and so on. They even got cell phones, a playstation 2, four wheelers, and an inground pool for agreeing to live with him. In the end I accepted their choice and made them understand it was their decision, not mine. They are still enjoying all the "extra" money dad has from not paying support and in return getting support from me. Eventually I am hoping they will see the grass is not greener. In the meantime, I pray everyday they will one day need mom again. For now, they call stepmom "mom" and don't come to visit me. I am looking in to fighting this custody order for my visitation rights. I will be messy. It always hurts the kids more than the parents. In the meantime, always take the high road and never degrade their father in front of them. Also, and most importantly, never bribe them as mine were bribed. Good Luck and if you lose custody, keep communicating with them as best you can and make sure they know you love them. Let them know because this was their choice, you now need to move on with your life. Don't let it consume you. You just let them know when they need you again, you'll be there for them, ALWAYS. Take care.
Edited to add: In Pennsylvania, there is no age limit to deciding who to live with. Each situation is heard by the judge and decided from there. In my case, my 14 year old did all the talking, my 9 year old wouldn't speak to anyone. The court decided not to split them up. Father has full physical custody, I have partial with liberal visitation as decided upon by both parents. As to which, never happens because dad doesn't want them to see me.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?NY Hi..I have been devorced for 8 years.I have 2 boys ages 11 and 13 now...thier father and I have joint custody , he has 40% and I 60%...We live within walking distance from each other ..this has always seemed to work out well for the boys but now I believe.. their father has manipulated them into thinking they would have more fun living with him all the time... He hasn't worked since 1999 ..so called work related injury....he buys the boys anything they want and from what i can see lets them do as they please...In their eyes he's daddy-do-all....though he can't seem to pay his bills , he has had the phone shut off numeruos times and has back property taxes due..ect. I work and don't always have the time to "do-all"...I think the boys have got the idea that you don't have to work to get anything and i have tried to show them the real world...my 13 year old won't even make a grilled cheese sandwich for himself....anyhow the ex says he will take me to court if I don't allow them to come live with him...will he be able to get total custody if the children say they want to live with him??

My 5th grader can make her own sandwiches And she has chores around the house, takes care of her pets, does her homework- and in turn she gets allowance, which she can spend on what she likes (within reason) otherwise she doesn't 'earn' it and she goes without the extras.