Who is right here?

[big girls mommy]

I failed to say, which is my fault, that I work every other Saturday & Sunday. And yes, when it comes to planning lives around my child, I expect her father to do so as I do. Just becuase he doesn't live here with her doesn't mean his plans should not work around his time with her. I work every other weekend that he is supposed to have her and I am off on my weekends with her. And no, this hasn't been just one weekend, as I said before, this was at least once a month. The problem started last month when I put my foot down and told him no, I couldn't switch anymore becuase I have things scheduled accordingly. He is paying no attention to that and that is where we ran into these problems.

 

[tigger22472]

I failed to say, which is my fault, that I work every other Saturday & Sunday. And yes, when it comes to planning lives around my child, I expect her father to do so as I do. Just becuase he doesn't live here with her doesn't mean his plans should not work around his time with her. I work every other weekend that he is supposed to have her and I am off on my weekends with her.

EXACTLY and Dad although he had ONE make-up weekend is keeping with the schedule.. If YOU changed your work schedule based on this one weekend it is now YOUR issue and not his. He did as he was allowed. If this is what you did you did so on the 'presumption' of the law before knowing for sure!

 

[tigger22472]

Ok.. you've edited... if this is an on going problem you do realize that the judge could change it to where HE has two weekends in a row at it satisfies his schedule.

 

[big girls mommy]

Anything at this point that would SPECIFY what weekends are who's would make me happy. The problem is still, every other weekend he calls and says he isn't picking her up and I tell him, that is fine that you aren't picking her up but don't show up to take her next weekend, yet he does, with the sherriff. So becuase he hasn't shown up on his last 3 weekends to get her, she has came to work with me. My issue is bottom line, your visitation says every other weekend, don't call me and tell me on your weekend that you can't get her and then show up next weekend. This happens every weekend. How are we supposed to plan anything when we don't know what the heck he is going to do. I am the legal parent here and I don't feel that she and I need to accomodate him. I am tired of doing that. Just as he always has, he is treating this like a convenience to him. She has a schedule and he needs to follow it. Don't call me and tell me that you can't pick her up every time and then show up out of no where the next weekend. Whether it is 2 weeks in a row or every other weekend, as long as it is stated in dates. I have no problem with him having her at all, just not when it is convenient for him.

 

[adonahee]

So you already have a solution...

Your ex-MIL typed up an informal calendar for you, remember? Why don't you uses that, take it, have it signed by a judge, and get your problem behind you? IF your so interested in having this problem solved, and don't care what the order says as long as there's dates involved, that's what you would have already done.

 

[big girls mommy]

Is it as easy as going to the judge to sign it or do I have to hire a lawyer to do so? I have a calendar that we have followed for quite a while until recently he decided he didn't have to. This is the whole problem. For 4 years, I have let him tell me when and practically call the shots. I am not going to let him tell me when he is getting her. He will pick her up on his weekends and that is that. He doesn't like it and that is why this is happening. He wants to be able to tell me when he is getting her and expects me to say ok. And when I say no, he runs to the sherriff with this calendar his mommy printed up and of course, it does not coinside with the calender we have had. I will be happy to settle this but on my terms. He is done telling me when he will see her. He has visitation on wed and alternate wknds, not when he isn't busy on the wknds. I am tired of not getting any financial help from him yet he thinks he can tell me when and where. All I want to know is who is suppose to put a stop to this me or him? I basically don't know what as sole legal custodian, rights I have. I follow our guidelines but he skips out on his time and then wants her on mine. I am done with that.

 

[LdiJ]

Is it as easy as going to the judge to sign it or do I have to hire a lawyer to do so? I have a calendar that we have followed for quite a while until recently he decided he didn't have to. This is the whole problem. For 4 years, I have let him tell me when and practically call the shots. I am not going to let him tell me when he is getting her. He will pick her up on his weekends and that is that. He doesn't like it and that is why this is happening. He wants to be able to tell me when he is getting her and expects me to say ok. And when I say no, he runs to the sherriff with this calendar his mommy printed up and of course, it does not coinside with the calender we have had. I will be happy to settle this but on my terms. He is done telling me when he will see her. He has visitation on wed and alternate wknds, not when he isn't busy on the wknds. I am tired of not getting any financial help from him yet he thinks he can tell me when and where. All I want to know is who is suppose to put a stop to this me or him? I basically don't know what as sole legal custodian, rights I have. I follow our guidelines but he skips out on his time and then wants her on mine. I am done with that.

If you are arranging your work schedule based on his parenting/visitation time then you are entitled to something consistant and a judge would agree with that....HOWEVER...you have to make provisions/agreements on how to deal with makeup time.

I know of specific cases where a judge has actually found an ncp in contempt for not exercising their visitation/parenting time when the cp's work scedule is arranged around that.

As I said in my previous response...you really need to take this back to court and get something specified more exactly....your circumstances reasonably require that. I still recommend defining the specific weekends and outlining proceedures for makeup time.

 

[kidoday]

I agree with Ldij

you really need to take this back to court and get something specified more exactly....your circumstances reasonably require that. I still recommend defining the specific weekends and outlining proceedures for makeup time.

This will stop the I want to change weekends when it suits me best type thing.

And no, if your order was written up and did not note any make up time, your order will be adhered to as written and you will not be held in contempt. However, like Ldij stated it will be in your best interest to include this in a modification. It will show that you are willing to work around all schedules, but the original schedule will resume as noted in the order.

I know Michigan and Indiana have standard parenting rules regarding all aspects of rights and rules that can just be adopted. However, if the parties agree you can write anything you want regarding your parenting time, and if it doesn't say make up time or that you must alternate Christmas, but Hannukah then it will be ordered as so.

 

[tigger2two]

when you look at your original order does it have a date that it was entered? (i'm postive it does but bare with me) After that date does it say who is to get the first weekend visitation? Or do you remember who had it? If so then you can go from there and back track to find out whose weekend is whose. Problem solved!

If it doesn't then you are going to have to listen to all the other posters who have responded and go back to court to get something set in stone. Plain and simple that is the only way!

 

[big girls mommy]

Thanks for all your advice. The lawyer I talked to wants a $1200 deposit to start. It will take me a while but I will come up with that and get this settled. I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this. My guess is that he has been so accomidated with me being so lenient and now that I have put a stop to it, he is giving me a hard time. As long as weekends are specified and he can't keep bringing the law to my house trying to say it is his weekend I will be happy. I just want something that says this is my weekend and this is his.

 

[cookie57]

What happens if say...you are in a car accident or something beyond your control prevents you from picking up your daughter from preschool? If you are the only one allowed to pick her up, what happens to her?

Secondly, child support and custody are two very different issues. If he is not paying support then you need to start a case with CSE. Don't think you are doing him a huge favor by "allowing" him to see her even though he has not paid. Two very different issues.

From your posts, it sounds more like you are arguing over a car, rather than a child. Be grateful for your daughter's sake, that her father wants to be a part of her life. This smacks more of control issues than anything. And BTW, you are calling the police right along with your ex. I say, leave our officers alone and let them deal with the crime in this state. Communicate, it's not that hard. Work out a calendar together and vow to stick by it. Give each other a minimum of 1 week notice to change (now, sometimes that is not always possible!). It's been said before..there is going to be a time when you want to switch with him. He can make it just as difficult if not more so. This is just one big pissing match between parents, and the children are often left standing on the side lines of life.

 

[big girls mommy]

First of all let me say that in her 5 years here, I have never received a whole months worth of child support from him yet that has never kept me from letting him see her so where you get that I am doing him a favor, you are wrong. Do you have any clue how hard it is to pay $100 a week for preschool, a mortgage & car payment and support her alone? I am doing him a favor of saving his ass by providing her with everything she wants by myself while he is to busy spending his money on his "toys". Just becuase I mentioned that he doesnt pay doesn't mean anything regarding visitation. The only reason he does see her now is becuase I have forced him to be there and now he realizes what he would have missed out on if I didn't.

Second- there is nothing wrong with asking for a set schedule. He gets pissed becuase I am not going to convenience him with my daughters time. He has a schedule and all I am saying here is what do I need to do to make sure he sticks to it. NO more of this calling off his weekends and suddenly showing up on mine to take her. NO notice period. And yes, if someone showed up and took your child from school without your permission, whether it be her dad whom only has visitation time or not, when they weren't supposed to, wouldn't you call the police also? He calls the sherriff when he shows up at my house says he wants her becuase he didnt' get her the weekend before becuase he called it off. Do you really seriously think I am going to let him just take her from school and me do nothing about it. NO. He has permission to see her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. NOT whenever he wants. It is to bad for him that he wants to see her every day and he can't. He gave up that right a long time ago when the bars were more important than her. I have raised this child alone from the time she was born and I am not going to have him say when he wants her and when he doesn't. My child is happy and healthy regardless of whether she sees him or not. I do not try to keep him from her at all, I want him to stick with a schedule. Communicate? He doesn't know what that is. You can't talk to that man. He knows everything and nothing I do or say can change that. Usually when I need something I call his mom becuase she doesn't start screaming at me as soon as I say hello.

 

[TNBSMommy]

Do you have any clue how hard it is to pay $100 a week for preschool, a mortgage & car payment and support her alone? . And yes, if someone showed up and took your child from school without your permission, whether it be her dad whom only has visitation time or not, when they weren't supposed to, wouldn't you call the police also? .

I have a clue, I raised two children with no support, working full time for years before I met and married my husband. I don't keep the kids from him, and only threatened to when he had a warrant out for his arrest for non payment of support.

I am very lenient with my ex even though we now have a set schedule, and even though he has such an issue with paying his CS, why? b/c the kids don't care what he pays, they don't care at all. They care about seeing thier dad. And I am confident that they are starting to see what kind of person he is without my ever opening my mouth. They are seeing through his lies, and stories, and have recently quit making up excuses for him when he doesn't show. You can't make someone be a father. You will only exhaust yourself in the process. I don't even bother going out of my way anymore. If and when he wants them, he knows where they are. I plan like he won't be there, and if he is great, I get a free weekend. I have gone out of my way in the past and I refuse to do it. I just let him dig his own hole deeper and deeper with every move he makes. And I don't deny him visitation no matter what weekend he wants them. I let my kids see me try, and him screw up. It has actually done alot for my relationship with my children.

As far as him picking her up, you do need to watch it, I know here they can only legally withhold the father from picking the child up if there is a court order that says he has no visitation and no legal right to pick them up. So you do need to be careful with that one.

 

[tammy8]

I totally understand your frustration however can you not be the bigger person and show your child that she has a father who loves her as much as you do? Yes bars may have been a bigger part at one time but obiviously that is changing. So why can't you change with it.

One thing I have learned in stepping and divorce is to be flexible to a point. A switched weekend is being flexible. A court battle over stupid crap is not.

I know I will hear the SOS of "you don't understand, father is such and such, etc" and it is stuff we older users have all heard; however holding your child hostiage is not making this any easier and your child will realize one day what is going on and one day ONLY your child can chose to forgive her father or YOU for what she was put through growing up because 2 parents can't be grown up enough to work through a simple weekend!

Good luck.

 

[cookie57]

I am tired of not getting any financial help from him yet he thinks he can tell me when and where. .

And Who.... oh sorry, I have watched too much of Pretty Woman!

Again, what does one have to do with the other? And yes, I know what it is like not to receive child support, pay 230$ a week in daycare, in addition to rent, car payment, car insurance, diapers, baby food, etc. I did it. I was very hard, but I did it.
The daycare called me to tell me to pick up my daughter because she had a fever. Keep in mind, she was only 8 months old at the time. I get there, she is gone. My ex picked her up. I called his house to make sure he had her, and had time to run to the store to get her some Tylenol and other stuff. I was relieved. And no, I didn't call the cops.

My ex lived in a bar before and after we were divorced. He was never drunk around her, and as long as he wasn't, it was not my business what he did in his personal life. I stopped trying to control him. I used to guilt him into seeing her and spending time with her. Once I stopped, because I had better things to do, he disappeared. He is gone. 2 1/2 years no contact no support, no nothing. And when threatened with TPR, still nothing. My husband just adopted her a few months ago.
I know all the ups and downs of dealing with an ex. Just telling you from experience, try and work out the little stuff because you will wear yourself out. Just like with my kids, you have to choose your battles.

you said, "it's too bad that he wants to see her every day and can't." He gave up that right..

Now that, that right there is good parenting, I don't care who you are! (rolling eyes!!)