Whose the daddy???not really a legal Q

[sixstringdad]

What is the name of your state? VA

I currently have joint custody of my daughter and
have been trying to be in my daughters life since she was born 4/01 much to the dissatisfaction of the mother, since she is married and didn't want me in my daughters life because of that reason.
My problem (though small compared to others here) is that the mother insists on saying that her husband is my daughters "daddy" and reminds me of that whenever they both come to pick her up from visitation with me. I can't stand the remarks the mother makes in front of me about it though I don't care what they say at their home, I just don't want to hear it for the 5 minutes I have to deal with her when I pick my daughter up. I know my daughter will know who I am to her when she gets older but I feel belittled when I hear this mess. Is there anything I can do to or say to her or a judge to maybe persuade the mother from saying that around me??? Fortunatly right now that is my only problem with the whole ordeal. What do you think about the fact that I want to be in my daughters life despite the fact that the mother is married to someone else??? Just would like some opinions, thoughts, and maybe even advise...thanks.

 

[craftymom]

Is there anything I can do to or say to her or a judge to maybe persuade the mother from saying that around me???


***** I don't think so. Hurtful as is may be to you, you are an adult. Just suck up this "little" issue and move on. I don't know the circumstances surrounding the mom having your daughter call her husband "daddy", but perhaps it's being done with what the mom believes are "good intentions"? If she's doing it to taunt you, well, just ignore it. As you said, your daughter will know at some point that you are her bio-daddy.




What do you think about the fact that I want to be in my daughters life despite the fact that the mother is married to someone else???

**** I think it's great. By "stepping up to the plate", you've given your daughter not just her dad---- You've given her the Truth.

 

[kat1963]

If she lives in VA too, you can legally tape the exchanges. That way if anything happens where you wind up in court again, you have proof of her parental alienation (good way to win custody, though the judge would probably just repremand her....but then again you never know). I'd also mention this (via certified letter w/rr, NOT in front of the child, but you know that) to her that words can't change genetics, but they CAN change who the custodial parent is if she does not cease & desist immediately. In order to protect my (your) interest in your daughters life as her BIOLOGICAL father, all exchanges will now be recorded. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. HA! Yes, is somewhat of the threat, but think about what she is doing to the little kid? Geezz, what a great Mom.

Yes, you should be in your childs life, no matter who she is married to. It sounds like this happened from an affair, so biomom is just going to have live with the consequences of her actions & not take it out on the child (and you)

Good Luck, you are a great DAD & roll model for your girl!

KAT

 

[JaneyS4]

Just a story that might help..

You know, this happened to someone I know. THe mom incouraged the child, who was around three at the time to call step dad daddy and bio father by his first name. Then she started making remarks about "daddy" (meaning step dad) in front of bio dad and family. Finally, bio dad got fed up with it, especially when the child started calling him by his name, and he just sat down and explained to her that he was her daddy too. He didn't try to tell her that her step dad wasn't, just told her how lucky she was to have TWO daddies. He never even mentioned it to the mother. One afternoon when he dropped his child off, the mother made some comment to bio dad about step dad in front of the child, calling step dad daddy in the conversation, and the CHILD spoke up and said "I get two daddies mommy, I'm special".

Funny, since then, the bio dad hasn't been getting that particular issue rubbed in his face anymore.

 

[usmcfamily]

I hope no one will take offense to this but why can't "adults" just grow up a little and not get thier panties in a bunch over what are really pretty petty issues.........
I have a daughter who is 6 now - we met her step-dad when she was 3. Her bio-dad is a part of her life but on a much smaller scale than her step-dad..........she calls them both Daddy or Dad (typically step-dad is Daddy and bio-dad is Dad) and neither of them have ever had an issue with it because they are both mature enough to realize that to her they are BOTH "daddy" because they BOTH play that role in her life.
Perhaps rather than being bent out of shape at the fact that she uses that name for him you should be glad that your daughter has someone in her life whom takes such good care of her that she feels he deserves the title "daddy" just like her real daddy---you know how much you mean to her and for her to feel that he is good enough to be put in the same class as you must say a lot for the job he is doing in helping to raise her.......
I am sure it stings but there comes a time when you have to pick the hill you want to die on.........your ex may be being spiteful or she may just be using the term out of habit -- I refer to my husband as "daddy" in front of my ex and it is not to rub anything in his face ---it is just because that is how I refer to him when speaking to my daughter regardless of who is in the room..........as you said yourself--your daughter will someday realize the whole truth of the situation ....... the ? is how do you want her to see you on that day? As a man who was petty about a name or a man who was a big enough person to rise about a little slap in the face and smile through it for the good of all involved?
jmo

 

[kat1963]

I don't agree with it being petty. It's the start of P.A.S., right now it's *who's your Daddy*, and then it slowly progresses into other things as the child gets older. If it isn't stopped now, the biological father could eventually lose his place in this child's life. It's all well and good to say *just grow up*, but some people can't or simply refuse to. Ahh shucks, we’d all like to think we are dealing with mature adults who only have the child’s best interest at heart, but that is not always the case. Studies have clearly shown that if attempts are made to nip this sort of behavior in the bud from the start, the alienated parent has a better chance of a continued relationship with his child. To allow it to continue, to actually be a witness to it and not put an immediate stop to the actions of the active alienator is only setting one’s self up to be shut out entirely, with little or no recourse.
KAT

 

[craftymom]

kat, I understand your point, but at the same time, we don't know what is "driving" the mom. It *could* be that mom is just trying to have the daughter recognize both men as "dad".....after all, our poster is the bio-dad, but the husband is the "day-to-day" dad. Both roles carry significant weight in the child's life, and I see no reason that they shouldn't be recognized as such. That is, of course, if they *are* being mature about it.
'Course, if mom *is* doing it out of spite, anger, and alienation, that's a different ball of wax. Even so, bio-dad could put his foot down with visitation rights etc., and still be "big" enough to recognize the contribution of the husband.

 

[sixstringdad]

Maybe to some people this may seem petty such as your sel..BUT usmc .......You went a little to far...seeing as you really don't know this situation and know that her husband is stepping up to the plate. I knew him for awhile and all he is .....is a drunk and a pothead.....like his father...by the way they live with his family.... usmc, I just think your statements was out of line.....but thanks for your point of view.

 

[sixstringdad]

All I'm saying is why can't I just not hear it during the 3 min exchange......How simple could that be?

 

[dottkanga]

usmcfamily
Have your kids ever called some other person mommy? I don't think you would like it and it would brake your heart. I really don't see a reason for a child to call step dad or step mom mom or dad. I would be so upset if my daughter called someone els mommy. I gave birth to her no one els should have the privilege of being called mommy. It's just a disrespectful for your child to call you by your first name.

 

[usmcfamily]

Yes, actually she has and I am FINE with it -- my ONLY objection to the whole issue is that the woman is not actually married to my daughter's bio-dad yet (I personally feel that there should be some sense of permanency to the relationship before we take on a parent title) BUT my daughter chose to call her "mom" and that was her decision.........but our case seems to be unusual in that all 4 of us (myself and my husband, the bio-dad and his fiancee) see it as okay.........we all play a parental role in her (my daughter's) life and so it is only natural that she identify us with parental names.......
As to my reply to the original post - I do not know the entire situation but you didn't bother to mention what type of role he did or did not play in the child's life only that you were p*ssed that he was being called daddy. I don't assume that people are evil........I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt until there is reason not to.....in this case you didn't give any indication that the man was not a good influence so I had no reason to think he wasn't or word my reply accordingly.......

 

[Whyte Noise]

My kids don't call me by my first name, they call me "mama". My kids don't call their stepmom by her first name either, they call her "mama" as well, although around me they call her "mama Lori". Point is, that she is in the mother role in their lives as well. I can either accept that fact, and deal with it, or I can be petty and bitch about it. I chose the former, and not the latter. What's the point? Other than to make my kids feel like they're stuck in the middle of a "title tug-o-war" when they call her mama too. She's being a mother to them, she takes care of them, and even though I am the one that gave birth to them, I don't think that I should tell them not to call her mama simply because my feelings would get hurt. They call CJ "daddy" too, and he's no more their daddy than she is their mother, and my ex doesn't complain about it either. When we split, I think we were both adult enough to figure out there would come a time when someone else in our respective households would take on that role.

As for our original poster.... I'd ask her why she insists on bringing up that fact at every exchange. It does sound like she's using it to inflict some pain on you. Not just that she's trying to reinforce the fact she has 2 dads. Seems like she's trying to get across to you that her husband is the "only" father your daughter has. And with your daughter only being around 18 months old, she probably doesn't have any understanding at all about what her mom is saying and doing. At 18 months old, she couldn't understand that very well. That's what makes me think she's doing it to spite you. What can you do about it? Tell her to stop the games is about all I can think of. I don't know what else to tell you. Considering your daughter's young age, I don't know if a judge would agree to putting it in the order that "neither parent shall speak ill towards the other". You could always try it though.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Ya know faith.... to me, sometimes you just have to choose your battles, and to me a name isn't one for me to have to fight. Yeah, it did hurt me the first time I heard one of my children call her "mama". I'll admit to that. I've never denied it. But, just because they call her mama too, doesn't take away from the fact that I'm their mother. My kids know who their "real" mom is. My 10 year old has said to me...... "Mama Lori is our step-mom, but you're our REAL mom." And on more than one occassions they've said something along the lines of "we've got 2 moms and 2 dads" (Can you imagine how spoiled they are with 6 sets of grandparents? Yes.... 6. My dad, Rick's mom and her husband, Ricks dad and his wife, Lori's mom, CJ's dad and his wife, and CJ's mom and her husband.) LOL

I just simply look at it like this faith....... I'm an adult. I should act like it. If I let the fact that they call their step-mom Mama bother me and go on a tirade about it each time I hear it, then my children would be acting more adult than I would be. This is just my opinion and the way I deal with my own situation. Not everyone handles it like I do, just like I don't handle things the same way others do. To me, them calling another woman who is in a "mother" role in their life Mama isn't something I need to get worked up over. I knew it would happen. Just like Rick knew it would happen with calling CJ Daddy. To others, it might be a really big deal. They have that right. That's their feelings on the matter. But, to me it's not a really big deal. I lose no respect or love from my children at all simply because they also call another woman Mama, and if that's what makes them comfortable, then I, for one, am not going to get all worked up about it.

 

[sixstringdad]

It was kinda funny when I first started getting my daughter, my family would call me dad around her and she just started saying dady alot to me and to alot of other people. Her mother accused me of trying to drill it in her head. I'm just happy she loves to stay with me and sometimes doesn't want to go back to momma. I would just like more time to bond with her since I was made to miss out on the first year of her life. Everyother weekend and every wendsday for 3 hours may seem fair to some but since her mother isn't working I think I should get more time with her. Though kinda hard when working full time and college full time.

 

[wenwas]

here's an example of how far one parent's pettiness can go. my dad married my step mom when i was 8. my bio mom never let us call her mom in front or any where near her. now almost 20 yrs later my bio mom gets upset if she hears one of her grandkids call step mom grandma. i mean come on dad has been with her for almost 20 yrs naturally our kids are gonna call her grandma and we are gonna call her mom or ma or something like that.