Whose the daddy???not really a legal Q

[karma1]

I agree with choosing your battles....

but I kind of disagree with craftmom-the mom in this situation was not posting so no, we dont know what motivates her-
he, however, did post and is upset about this-
and rightly so-
he should try talking to the mom and explain his feelings-if nothing else, explain to the child that it's okay to love others, but he is her dad and will love her no matter what....she is a part of him and that part can never go away...simple kids words..

 

[craftymom]

just shedding light.....

about my previous posts....I was coming from the same direction with my responses as usmc....giving all parties the benefit of the doubt since there was no negative information previously given.

All the "adults" in Sixstringdads situation have been in this child's life from the beginning. IF this were a case of "my child is ten years old and mom is making her call her new husband dad", then my answer would most likely be completely different. But this is a case of "two men involved in child's life from date of birth". In which case (hopefully) both dad's will be around for an awfully long time---why not go with the "you're special b/c you have TWO daddies" message.

Having said that, yes, it DOES seem that mom is doing it just to "get his goat". BUT at this incredibly early stage of parenting this child I just feel that in this one circumstance (I'm sure there are/will be others), that the ball is presently in sixstringdad's court, and where he goes with his reactions, is going to set the "tone" for years to come. Why not *ask* mom what her thinking is behind it? Perhaps be the "bigger" person and say something like "hey, I'm not thrilled about this all, but I'm willing to concede that this man DOES have a role in our daughter's life, why don't we (all three of us adults) come up with a name that would be reasonable and send the most positive message to the child?"

Or am I just living in a fantasy-land thinking that it's possible for the parents in these types of situations actually act like grown-ups?

 

[haiku]

As a step mom and a mom, I do think that no matter WHEN the step parent came into the childs life took on a big role etc...that step parent should always use the first name, I think over time if the CHILD wants to honor the step parent and call them a mom or dad name then I think that the actual parents should step aside and accept the fact that this person has made a positive impact in thier lives.

 

[usmcfamily]

Sixstring~~
If you truly want to pursue more time with her I would suggest you bear with things as they are for now to establish the relationship (give it say a year fromt he first visitation order)......and in that time also beging arranging your life so that there is room for her to be with you more (may mean forgoing your education or hurrying to finish it). One thing that may impede you pursuing more time with her is if the judge looks at your schedule and sees that with work and school (as you yourself pointed out) there isn't really time for you to have her more.........but by making the effort on your own to make time for her you will be showing the initiative and that will go a long way with a lot of judges. I would also suggest that if legal fees are an issue for you that you consider seeking assistance (whether only in the form of emotional support, information or actual legal assistance) from a Father's Rights advocacy group. Many have attorneys on their "list" who work with them on cases where a father is seeking equal time with their children (or even all out custody).......the advantage of these attorneys is that most work at reduced rate for clients referred to them by the groups.......just a thought....................
I am sorry if you took my previous replies as a way of saying you are wrong for wanting to be part of your daughter's life because that isn't what I was saying at all. I come to these situations from a "best case" scenario where we have all been able to get past personal issues and deal in terms of what is best for our daughter but I know that a lot of times that isn't possible because the personal issues are too deep and painful........

 

[sixstringdad]

Its all good. I'm kinda new to all of this as far as my circumstance goes. I didn't really mean to take any offense to what you said. I didn't really tell all details in original post..........just not used to that kind of feedback,except from my girls mom. I'm open to all opinions I suppose.....lol

 

[vindictive X]

haiku & MG

I just wish for five minutes my husbands x could think along your tracks. I am the step mom to 2 girls (I am also a bio mom.) Their mom constantly drills them that she is their only mom, she is the only one that can brush their hair, give meds, etc... and I might go away someday so its not a very good idea to call me mom so on and so on i am sure you can imagine (PAS). To me it doesn't matter if they call me by my 1st name or mom, momma, mommy. As long as they respect me. Well the kicker is bio mom has a step dad (calls him by his 1st name but children are allowed to call him Grandpa Allyn) and a step mom (she calls mom and kids call her Grandma Karen.) I have a step dad and it took me about a year for me to call him dad. I had to feel comfortable enough and when I did I made the choice. The baby 2 years old calls me mommy and bio mom doesnt know about it. 5 year old says I can't tell my mom that my sister calls you mom because she will be very upset and cry. 5 year old has recently asked me if it was ok to call me mom? I said of course you can call me Brook or Mom which ever you like, I will love you the same. Bio mom has actually called me in the past and asked if I make the girls call me mom, when I told her no she didn't believe me, come on make the girls call me mom can you imagine? Some people usually Bio moms are very anal about this, from what i have seen please no affense intended.

As for sixstringdad, I would tell her its ok with you that she (daughter) calls step dad daddy. So there is no need to mention it everytime you see eachother. Kill her with kindness. Thats my trick!

 

[sixstringdad]

Thats a great idea! My little issue is just that.....I just think she says it everytime cause it gets on my nerves.........She actuallt brought that up at court today....lol I had already told my lawyer that it wasnt a big deal to me and that I just didn't appreciate her saying it everytime I dropped my daughter off. Luckily we didnt have to go before the judge and settled it between our lawyers and ourselves.....She was taking me back to court because she didn't agree with the visitation order or with the support order, mainly because I agreed to pay her more before we went to court than what the state guidline said I should pay. She also didn't want me to have her for half the summer. Both the lawyers agreed that it was a bunch of bull. Her lawyer and my lawyer slammed her when she said that she thinks that jaelynn should only have 1 mother and one father........Thats my problem because I'm hopeing this doesn't carry over year after year. Because this situation started out as an affair....which I honestly tried to get away from....... she thinks that I shouldn't have a part in my daughters life.....thats why the daddy thing is a little issue with me I guess. I wonder how other mothers feel about this siuation.......

 

[craftymom]

Did I read that right? You were ordered to pay less than what you offered, AND retained the half of summer visitation??

 

[sixstringdad]

yup thats right...........I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself but..........I know I'll be goin back to court eventually so I can't relish in it for too long. The mother doesn't really know what shes doing.She just knows she doesn't want me in my daughters life.....and that reflects in the courtroom.....without my help....lol. Thank god for the laws they have now.

 

[djohnson]

Out of curiosity if she was a product of an affair whos name is on the birth certificate? Not that it matters but might to her.

I have a friend that I thought handled this situation extremely well. She was always the first name and after a while as they got closer and he accidently called her mom a couple of times she sat down with him one day and they talked about moms and dads and steps and such and he felt like he the first name wasn't special enough but mom was his mom so they decided to come up with special names for each other to show they were closer than just married to a parent and settled for momma R and she calls him big Sam. It may not be much but its not offensive to anyone and they know it has this special meaning. Bio mom was so impressed at the way she handled it when she remarried and they had time to bond he now calls step dad papa Bill. I think its a great thing and also the talk about being special and having special names went along way with it.

I think in posters case though mom is just being petty. To have her husband stay with her after an affair has had to take a toll on both of them and their marriage and she is being petty and maybe even trying to play up to him. I would explain to her how when the child gets older she is to see mom as being the vindictive and petty one. It may take awhile but it will come around.

 

[sunshyne_828]

Re: Just a story that might help..

You know, this happened to someone I know. THe mom incouraged the child, who was around three at the time to call step dad daddy and bio father by his first name. Then she started making remarks about "daddy" (meaning step dad) in front of bio dad and family. Finally, bio dad got fed up with it, especially when the child started calling him by his name, and he just sat down and explained to her that he was her daddy too. He didn't try to tell her that her step dad wasn't, just told her how lucky she was to have TWO daddies. He never even mentioned it to the mother. One afternoon when he dropped his child off, the mother made some comment to bio dad about step dad in front of the child, calling step dad daddy in the conversation, and the CHILD spoke up and said "I get two daddies mommy, I'm special".

Funny, since then, the bio dad hasn't been getting that particular issue rubbed in his face anymore.

--- I have been on both sides of this issue. I have a son from a previous marriage and he calls his new step mom "mom" and he also calls me mom. I have never felt threatened by this because we all know who is the bio mom. In fact when we divorced when my son was 6 we explained to him that he would one day have two sets of moms and two sets of dads and how lucky he would be to have double the love. He is now 13 and the step mom has come and gone. However, me, the bio mom is still here and my son is very well adjusted to this whole divorce issue. -----the other side of this is that my new husband has two girls from a prior marriage and the ex-wife has done the same thing as the mother of your child. I see it as the mother having a low self esteem problem and not thinking of the child but thinking of herself. The children know the real story, they are smarter than we give them credit for. Hang in there and if she is like my husbands ex, the child will have 4 or 5 different Daddys before your child is 10. The ex-wife told my husband's kids not to call me "mom" since they didnt attend our wedding, but she insists that the kids call the husband of the year or boyfriend of the month "Daddy". Quite the double standard. We just tell the children they are loved and to call me whatever they feel comfortable calling me. The mom will never understand - afterall she thinks its about her, not about the best interest of your child.

 

[craftymom]

Did I read that right? You were ordered to pay less than what you offered, AND retained the half of summer visitation??

yup thats right...........I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself but..........I know I'll be goin back to court eventually so I can't relish in it for too long. The mother doesn't really know what shes doing.She just knows she doesn't want me in my daughters life.....and that reflects in the courtroom.....without my help....lol. Thank god for the laws they have now.


***** That's great news! Congratulations Dad!