"Will the evidence that he was fraudulently collecting welfare using our child have an impact? Will his federal student grant fraud? He applied for motorcycle loans several places using his father's personal info. He uses his older children's personal info to gain services & goods."
> It may help lower his child support obligations to you due to him being in jail or due to his income being significantly lowered since he no longer can earn income via fraud. As for his frauds, they don't seem directly related to how he interacts with his kid. You might be thinking, dad is a crook due to frauds so he should not be around his kid. The courts will look at how dad interacts with the kid and defrauding others isn't how dad interacts with the kid.
"My train of thought is this:"This man will manipulate & exploit anyone, including his own children, to get what he wants". Then, " I'm clearly giving him information, trying to involve him, trying to keep him abreast"
> Why are you trying to involve someone who will manipulate & exploit anyone. Is that in the best interest of your child and representative of good parenting skills. Do you think it represents good parenting judgment? It's not your job to actively push dad into being a dad.
"I have been actively trying to engage Dad for 3 years." and "Seeing as there isn't a legal custody agreement between us ..."
> You are about 2 years and nine months late for a temporary court order on custody/visitation.
"I am conflicted. If I absolutely have to deal with Grandma, I guess I will. However, it's been extremely unsuccessful in the past. Any suggestions"
> Court order, court order, court order. You are not the first person to go through child custody and the courts have a order to cover everything that can happen. You just need to request them from the court. The court orders will instruct you and dad on how to act in all situations without a need for Grandma's intervention. Dad can choose to follow the court order or not. If he doesn't follow them, then it's not your job to force him to.
"Leaving my son without either of his parents for a week"
> Consider getting a right of first option of childcare court order to where if dad plans to leave the kid with grandma or someone else for four (4) hours or more while the child is in his custody, he has to give you a first opportunity to care for the child before letting grandma or that other person take care of him (but the order should exclude regular childcare needed when a parent is working.)
"He smelled of smoke when I picked him up today"
> Consider getting a no exposure to tobacco smoke order to where the child will not be exposed to secondhand cigarette smoke while in the home, car, or other confined area of the other parent.
"He also did not administer any of the antibiotic my son was prescribed last week"
> Consider getting a health care order to where both parents are required to administer any prescribed medications for the child.
"Grandma called me tonight freaking out that I only packed one diaper for my son."
> Consider getting a child's clothing and belongings order to where each parent will maintain clothing and belongings (diapers, toothpaste, toothbrush, hairbrush, shampoo, etc.) for the child so that the child does not have to participate in the time share exchanges with additional clothing or belongings and where the child will be returned to the other parent with the clothing and other belongings the child had when the child arrived.
"His attorney told me that he will not communicate with me in regard to our son:
> Consider getting a communications order between parents order to where the parents will communicate directly with each other on matters concerning the child and may not use the child or the grandparents as a messenger between them.
"I think she should have to do all the driving cause I don't have gas to drive to her house"
> Consider getting a transportation and exchanges order to where transportation shall be shared equally by the parents in that the party receiving physical custody of the child or a third party of mutual agreement is to provide the transportation for the visit where drop-off/pickup of the child will be at the place of the residence of the parent relinquishing custody and where the child will be driven only by a licensed and insured driver in a lawful vehicle that includes legal child restraint devices.
There's a whole bunch more of these typical court orders in the Family Law Group forms at
http://www.courts.ca.gov/forms.htm
Look through those forms and figure out which orders might be good in your situation and then consider using the language of those orders for your situation.
Grandma won't let you speak with the kid on the phone? Consider getting a telephone/mail/email communications with the child order. Dad telling the kids all about the divorce proceedings? Consider getting a no inappropriate discussions or exposure to family law matter court order. Dad making negative comments about you to kid? Consider getting a neither parent will make or allow others to make negative, disparaging, or derogatory comments about the other parent within hearing distance of the child. Dad moved and won't tell you where he lives? Consider getting notification of parent's current address court order. Dad not showing up for visitation? Consider getting a missed regularly scheduled physical custody time. Dad canceling visitation on hour before the visitation time? Consider getting a canceled parenting time court order requiring at least 24 hours notice of any change in the physical time share schedule. Dad scheduling kids soccer during your custody time? Consider getting a scheduled activities court order. Dad drinking or druggin around kid? Consider getting a no alcohol or substance abuse within four (4) hours prior to or during the child custody. Dad's got guns? Consider getting a firearms court order requiring him to put the guns in a locked container when the kids is around.
