WWYD about this, if anything?

[wileybunch]

What is the name of your state? Nevada

Recap: My husband just went through a contempt motion late August against his ex for alienation and contempt of the CO with visitation. He ultimately waived the evidentiary hearing if she would get back in line w/CO, make up visits be done, and other things such as bimonthly updates about activities that she always withheld from him, a cooperative parenting class, and she had to pay $3K in attorney's fees. Husband had let it go on "too long" really and the hearing would have been a bloodbath at that point, but if contempt happens again, he would not make an agreement again, he will let the full force of the consequences fall on her. It is very expensive to do this, though. His legal bill was $8K for 2 months as it was but luckily attorney reduced it to $5K, $3K of which she is paying back over 2.5 yrs.

It is 3 weeks since those things were presented to the judge as an agreement and her alienation hasn't changed and it's likely they will go to court again. One of her issues is that the 12yo should never had to stay all weekend because she should be able to go to church at home. We are LDS and the church's lessons and format are standardized worldwide though I understand there is a social aspect. Regardless, the judge wasn't swayed and my husband actually had *3* weekends/month vs. 2 for the next 6 months to make up for some of the contempt. She has told the daughter that even the prophet said xyz ... things that are completely untrue, but to bolster her position that she already wasn't successful with legally. Mother is a lukewarm member of the church, it's more about appearances and social stuff for her, keeping up with Joneses, etc. So not having her kids w/her in church is a big deal to her. Husband is not "forcing" visitation at this point with 17yo and trying to focus efforts on healing the alienation with 12yo (incl counseling), but it's an uphill battle b/c it's not just for past actions by mom, they are ongoing.

A little more background related to current question ...
Before the contempt hearing there was a weekend the daughter said she had to go to a bishop's youth meeting at 1PM on Sunday which is really unheard of, they are always at 7PM. My husband called her advisor the day before and was told as far as she knew, it was at 7PM unless something changed. Someone else in the ward confirmed it was at 7PM. So it was a lie. The advisor seemed to be friendly and cordial.

Husband received an email from ex this morning that included:

If you and {father} actually discussed anything, you would know he has call {advisor}
on 3 occasions. She is very protective of {daughter} and is disgusted with your
behavior. As I asked earlier, she would prefer to be left out of this nonsense.

*****

How I characterized his previous conversation with the advisor is not at all how she characterizes it so either she is lying (most likely) and perhaps also has fed the advisor "information" that she would be "disgusted". The only thing husband is doing is trying to see his daughter, not be cut out of her life as his ex is determined to do.

(BTW, she has started to address her emails to me because she doesn't like that he's taking a stand and not backing down so this is another intimidation tactic b/c she knows I help him and he's told her to not contact me again)

Now for the question ....
Should he do anything about the advisor to see if there is an issue with her and make sure that there isn't? Should he see if there is any clear the air or PR work that needs to be done there?

 

[CJane]

Now for the question ....
Should he do anything about the advisor to see if there is an issue with her and make sure that there isn't? Should he see if there is any clear the air or PR work that needs to be done there?

The only thing I would do, and not because it's necessarily 'legally correct' but because I really like to make things easy for me and for the kids, is provide the Advisor with a calendar/list of dates that shows very clearly when the child is supposed to be with dad, and then nicely request that Dad be kept in the loop about any activities the child will need to attend while on Dad's time.

Make sure the advisor has Dad's phone number and email address for last minute issues, etc.

Dad needs to get better at taking Mom out of the equation for stuff that happens on his time.

 

[casa]

The only thing I would do, and not because it's necessarily 'legally correct' but because I really like to make things easy for me and for the kids, is provide the Advisor with a calendar/list of dates that shows very clearly when the child is supposed to be with dad, and then nicely request that Dad be kept in the loop about any activities the child will need to attend while on Dad's time.

Make sure the advisor has Dad's phone number and email address for last minute issues, etc.

Dad needs to get better at taking Mom out of the equation for stuff that happens on his time.

I agree. And re; the e-mails... Just have Dad respond to them briefly & cordially, with his name at the bottom. Period. Disregard who they are addressed to. There may come a time when you'll be filing them ~ and it will be interesting to note she addresses them to you & yet Dad continues to respond. (you two at least are trying to keep it between the parents)

 

[wileybunch]

The only thing I would do, and not because it's necessarily 'legally correct' but because I really like to make things easy for me and for the kids, is provide the Advisor with a calendar/list of dates that shows very clearly when the child is supposed to be with dad, and then nicely request that Dad be kept in the loop about any activities the child will need to attend while on Dad's time.

Make sure the advisor has Dad's phone number and email address for last minute issues, etc.

Dad needs to get better at taking Mom out of the equation for stuff that happens on his time.

Thank you. I agree with this. And, I agree that's all that needed (along with that he told her again to stay out of the middle of things). We used to live in the same area and knew the same ppl and my advice to him was always that he could never do enough PR to undo damage she does talking to others b/c she puts so much energy into it. So my encouragement was always to hold his head high and not worry what others might think. I was feeling like he should try to clear the air with her now, too, but I can see that it's still the case that he can't worry about that and that just doing what he needs to do (ie. the info sharing to make life easier you suggested) so he doesn't get off track with what matters most.

Thanks again.

 

[wileybunch]

I agree. And re; the e-mails... Just have Dad respond to them briefly & cordially, with his name at the bottom. Period. Disregard who they are addressed to. There may come a time when you'll be filing them ~ and it will be interesting to note she addresses them to you & yet Dad continues to respond. (you two at least are trying to keep it between the parents)

OK, thanks. Husband's attorney commented on how reasoned and direct his emails were (that were attached to the motion) and how hers were harassing and contemptuous and blocking. I do help him with them. If I didn't, I don't think he'd be quite so level headed about them b/c he is so incredibly fed up with her and quite frankly, still grieving the loss of his kids and in disbelief at how life with her ended up. He's been through a lot of counseling to "get over it", but it's a work in progress especially b/c she's got horrendous boundary issues.

 

[wileybunch]

Dad needs to get better at taking Mom out of the equation for stuff that happens on his time.

OK, I know he's going to ask me what exactly he should do to make this happen. They have had emails going back/forth. Nothing is easy so it's never simple, always has to be multiple on a subject and she'll keep loading things into the emails to keep them going. He has reminded her several times in the past week or so to stay out of the middle and he's been careful not to sound accountable to her. She was just told by a judge w/in the past month to stay out of the middle. And, to cover his bases, he said even if the KIDS come to her and PUT her in the middle, she is to stay out of the middle. According to mother, daughter's supposed to participate in the annual program kids in the church do. She's just older than the age of kids participating, but the 12-13yos were asked to come sing to help the younger kids. Her mother is part of the group that's currently responsible for planning this program so no doubt she generated this hoopla in the first place, but he hasn't said for sure she is going. She said either he brings her or she will come pick her up and bring her. He already told her he didn't need her help when she offered to come pick her up Sat night. She just won't let it go trying to cut off his weekends w/her. Obviously she has no legal right to do that, but that's how brazen she is and daughter will likely be told a bunch of stuff and get in the car tonight with husband and be sulking and pouting, refuse to sit in the front seat, refuse to talk, etc. (they have a counseling session first thing, though, so they can air out there). He has also tried to reiterate that if something is important to daughter, she should talk to him about it. Mom always acts as the agent, but she's manipulative and she lies easily and often and she's not one to act in the child's best interests, she would prefer to keep stirring the pot in hopes husband will go away.