Concerned about friend (restraining order)

[california owne]

What is the name of your state? California

(sorry if this is long)

I have a concern about a friend of mine. She is 30 years old. She has a 3 year old son. My friend is on SSI and has a learning disability and I guess it would count as mentally slow (she is able to take care of her self), but cannot really make good decisions or even keep a job. She doesn't drive or work. She's not mentally retarded, but is considered 'slow'.

In 2001, she was in a abusive relationship with the guy who is the 3 year olds father. During the physical abuse, this guy would also tell her if she left him, he'd take the child. My friend has NEVER called the cops on this guy (if he was abusing her or the child). In 2003, a neighbor heard my friend being thrown into a wall and called the police. The was a temporary restarining order, but the case was closed after my friend did not want to press charges.

There was more abuse in 2004, and her mom witnessed the boyfriend pick up the child by its neck. These two have been going back and forth in court about custody for almost 2 years now. They have restraining orders against each other (good till 2008). In 2003, social workers became involed and told my friend if she ever went back to the guy they would take the child. My friend had been living on her own up until two weeks ago.

I learned that she is now living with this guy (both violating the restaining orders). They are living in a really bad area (industrial area). The boyfriend has a shop and behind it there is one single trailer, with a gate around it. There are weeds everywhere. I am livid at my friend for putting her child in this situation, but I know this guy is threatening her. She will not call the cops no matter what in fear they will take the child away. I talked to my friends mother two days ago and she said she hadn't seen her daughter in 3 weeks and that her daughter did call last Saturday to say she was OK, but wanted her mom to come over and pick her up and visit. They planned to meet accross the street and then a few minutes later my friend called her mom back and said she 'couldn't go' because there was a security gate around the place and the boyfriend would have to open it.

While I am concerned about my friend, I am terrified for the child involved. My friend does not have the mental knowlege to call police if there is any abuse. I called the Adult Protective Services and made a report. I was told by them if they go over there and my friend says everything is OK, they will close the case. When I called child protective services, I was asked only about current abuse (do they feed the kid? does he have clothes? are there any bruises?) They wouldn't even take my report even though there is past history in the child protective services system about these two.

I do not know what to do. I was told by both services that my friend has to be the one to ask for help. I don't see how she could when she is being controlled. When my friends mom reminded her of all the abuse she told her mom to 'stop bringing up the past'. She is sticking up for this guy (who has been conviced for abusing other women). It scares me that my friend wouldn't report the guy for abuse.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I also tried to go to the police and they said because both parties 'agree' to live together, the restraining orders become invalid. That's all good an dandy, but does not help the situation with the child.

 

[ceara19]

Do you have the name of the social worker that warned her not to get back together with the boyfriend? Does her mom have the name? If they have previously threatened to take the child away and she still went back to the guy, it sounds like her mental deficiencies are seriously impairing her ability to be a fit parent. Has your friend's mother contact the authorities? If your friend is MENTALLY unable to hold down even a simple job, I would have serious concerns about her ability to parent a young child.

 

[california owne]

thank you!

I completely agree with you, but her mother has asked me to not call the police. On Wednesday morning, I did call adult protective services who said they would check it out. I also wanted to make a report to child protective services, but they would only check it out if there was abuse at the time (child not being fed, bruises, etc..). The evening after I called the adult protective agency, I got a phone call from my friend AND her mom (not angry), but I have not called back because I know they are going to ask if I reported the situation. Today (on Thanksgiving) I bumped into a friend of my friends mom who told me my friend called her mom and said cops came out. So, I think something happened.

I would really like the child protecive services to at least go out, because the couple (with the child) are living behind a shop in a very secluded industrial area. There are no neighbors around and that is what scares me.

I am not sure of who the social worker is, but I don't know how to call one directly. Is there a number for them? Everytime I look for a social worker, I end up at child protection services and always thought that was the same thing. I wish I could just call a social worker who could go over and investigate. My friend called me twice this morning (on Thanksgiving) asking what I was doing today. Weird. I wasn't home when she called though..

I am really more concerned about the child.

 

[ceara19]

I completely agree with you, but her mother has asked me to not call the police. On Wednesday morning, I did call adult protective services who said they would check it out. I also wanted to make a report to child protective services, but they would only check it out if there was abuse at the time (child not being fed, bruises, etc..). The evening after I called the adult protective agency, I got a phone call from my friend AND her mom (not angry), but I have not called back because I know they are going to ask if I reported the situation. Today (on Thanksgiving) I bumped into a friend of my friends mom who told me my friend called her mom and said cops came out. So, I think something happened.

I would really like the child protecive services to at least go out, because the couple (with the child) are living behind a shop in a very secluded industrial area. There are no neighbors around and that is what scares me.

I am not sure of who the social worker is, but I don't know how to call one directly. Is there a number for them? Everytime I look for a social worker, I end up at child protection services and always thought that was the same thing. I wish I could just call a social worker who could go over and investigate. My friend called me twice this morning (on Thanksgiving) asking what I was doing today. Weird. I wasn't home when she called though..

I am really more concerned about the child.

They can ask who filed the report if they want, but they won't get an answer. Even if you give your name, which isn't required, it's confidential. If you haven't seen the child, you don't really KNOW if she is being abused or neglect or not. If your really worried, call CPS and explain the situation honestly. There has been abuse and neglect in the past and the fact that the mom and child are being basically locked up in the middle of no where you don't know if the child is okay or even alive. If your friend and her mother get angry, so be it. Personally, I would rather lose a friend then put a child at risk.

 

[ConcerndStepmom]

Not sure if this applies with other states... Although CPS will not release the identity of who placed the call. In Florida I do know filing a report with CPS almost always when they go to investigate the allegations especially where child abuse is alleged to have occured CPS is accumpanied by law enforcement who in return also makes their own report which a copy of that can be gotten with the contact persons name along with the suspected allegations.

To add to that.. a call can be placed anonymous and the law enforcement report will state a report was recieved and then state the allegations. Although if there was truth to the allegations and more information was needed then CPS would not know who to contact in regards to getting more information if an anonymous call is placed.

 

[CdwJava]

Today (on Thanksgiving) I bumped into a friend of my friends mom who told me my friend called her mom and said cops came out. So, I think something happened.

Unless they witnessed something on their arrival, nothing happened and the matter was likely closed out by the police and CPS.

I would really like the child protecive services to at least go out, because the couple (with the child) are living behind a shop in a very secluded industrial area. There are no neighbors around and that is what scares me.

Very often they ask the police to do a welfare check and the result of that visit will determine if there is any follow-up by CPS. It really depends on how busy the local CPS agency is, and how much they want to dig into this.

I am not sure of who the social worker is, but I don't know how to call one directly. Is there a number for them? Everytime I look for a social worker, I end up at child protection services and always thought that was the same thing. I wish I could just call a social worker who could go over and investigate.

CPS caseworkers generally ARE social workers. A "social worker" is a very broad title for a great number of positions at a social services agency.

- Carl

 

[california owne]

Thank you! The Adult Protective Services said they would go out next week, so I was suprised to learn something happened the same day as my phone call. I did call the police station in that city and the only thing they could confirm was someone was sent to the home.

When I called the CPS, they said to wait and see what the outcome is with the APS. It's kind of stupid in my opinion because this guy (my friends ex) would be ready for them now.

Here is the STRANGE thing, when my friend was with this guy a couple of years ago, she would only see his family maybe once or twice a year (they lived 45 minutes away). But during the court hearing, his mother and sister got on the stand and said they witnessed my friend hit this guy (lies of course).

So, now that she is living behind this guys dad shop, it seems like all the family has to do is go to court saying they saw her abuse the child and she will completely lose all rights. THis guy's mother has spent thousdands of dollars on a lawyer and she would be livid if my friend really moved back in. Since day 1, this guy has gone to court saying he wants my friend to have monitored visits. The judge has said he did not see any reason why she should only have that and denied it.

When the abuse first started 3 years ago, my friends mom and I both asked her why she wouldn't leave him and she said he told her if she ever left, he would take the child. It seems he is trying to do that.

 

[california owne]

Another thing about the CPS, I was told BY them that they need to SEE that the child is being abused (bruises, not fed, not clothed, etc...) I was told "We don't take the child out of the house for emotional abuse." I don't want the child taken away, I just asked what they could do in a case like this.

 

[ceara19]

Another thing about the CPS, I was told BY them that they need to SEE that the child is being abused (bruises, not fed, not clothed, etc...) I was told "We don't take the child out of the house for emotional abuse." I don't want the child taken away, I just asked what they could do in a case like this.

CPS caseworkers are generally stretched very thin, which is why they usually don't get involved without at least a witness to the abuse or it's result. However, if CPS has had previous dealings with them and went so far as to tell her that they would take the child away if she ever got back together with the guy, you need to try and get someone at CPS to pull up the old case. If the information you were given is true, the previous records should be more then enough to get CPS to at least check into things.

 

[CdwJava]

CPS offices statewide - indeed, nationwide - are connected by a very extensive database that allows them to reference any and all reports entered by ANY office almost anywhere in the country. It is almost scary how much info they have at their fingertips when they need it.

If there is a prior history to point to, they will find it.

- Carl

 

[ceara19]

CPS offices statewide - indeed, nationwide - are connected by a very extensive database that allows them to reference any and all reports entered by ANY office almost anywhere in the country. It is almost scary how much info they have at their fingertips when they need it.

If there is a prior history to point to, they will find it.

- Carl

Unfortunately, most CPS workers are so overloaded that sometimes one needs to push instead of point. However, I'm surprised that the police went out for a welfare check and were unaware of the RO's against both parties.

 

[CdwJava]

I, too, would be surprised if the police were unaware of the mutual TROs. Thus, I would presume that the ROs were either lifted or were good for "peaceful contact". Either that, or there is an exception for visitation and they managed to spin a convincing tale of being together only for visitation.

- Carl

 

[california owne]

Here is how this current case started... About a year and a half ago, my friend went back with this guy after having him arrested for abuse in 2003. I wasn't that worried because they were living with HER mother. The grandmother of the child (her mother) witnessed this boyfriend pick up the child by it's neck and blow in his face and the grandmother told the guy he needed to leave. His exact words were "If I am leaving, I am taking the child". He did, my friend had to call the cops and get court papers from 2003 proving she had custody. The cops went to this boyfriends house to get the child, they told my friend she would still have to follow the court documents and allow the boyfriend to see the child on the weekends. That weekend, my friend brought the child to a police station to hand him over, and instead of bringing the baby back on Sunday, the boyfriend had someone SERVE my friend court papers (from another county) and included a restraining order.

My friend, who did not understand called him and said "You were supposed to bring my son back today". Because the restraining order, SHE got introuble for calling and now has a criminal restraining order against her. (They both have family law restraining orders against each other as well).

So, it's a mess and this guy can get her in trouble at any time with the criminal restraining order. That is why I called the Adult Protective Services.

I am kind of angry that the cops went to the place of residents before the social worker, because this guy is ready for them now. I was basically told by the cops, that even if there was a restraining order, it would be invaild if the two agreed to meet.

At this point, my friend needs to make her own decisions. I am concerned more for the child.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

How can this woman know how to call the cops to get him arrested, but not know how how to call CPS? You claim she does not have the mental capacity to do that, yet she knows how to call the cops?

 

[LdiJ]

How can this woman know how to call the cops to get him arrested, but not know how how to call CPS? You claim she does not have the mental capacity to do that, yet she knows how to call the cops?

Even small children are often taught how to dial 911 in an emergency....I would suspect that, that is basically training for the mentally challenged.