What do I do now?

[Ohiogal]

Wait a minute

Originally Posted by passionatemom10
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

I have been divorced for almost 11 years. I have a 12 year old that is dealing me fits because he has decided he wants to go and live with his dad. His dad has recently filed for custody. My son is giving me a very hard time. He is getting in trouble at school and his grades are horrible. I believe his dad has put him up to doing all this to help make it look like I can't control him. He hangs on every word his dad utters although he is not a very nice person. He harasses me with text, voicemail and email messages. I am losing my hair and it is making me physically ill. I have thought about letting my son go stay with his dad until the Christmas break for school with a proposed agreement. I believe that he will find in a very short time after changing schools and staying there a few weeks that the grass is not greener on the other side. Will this kill my custody case if I do it? I can't afford an attorney so I am having to fight this custody thing myself.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

YOU won't let dad visit but you are considering giving him custody because your son is giving you a hard time? You posted this not 10 days ago. Now suddenly dad doesn't deserve ANY TIME with the child.

It is not about winning at all. It is about what is best for my child. I have raised him in a loving Christian environment by myself for the last 11 years. His dad has been in and out of his life the entire time. Now he wants to come in and brain wash my child into thinking because they "have more fun" and "go more places to do things" that living with him will be better. I just know that with the ex I have that if I do something such as let my son go and stay with him for a while to test the waters and I end up losing custody of him because I did this I will be devestated. I love and care for my child very much and I only want what is best for him. I KNOW that living with his dad is not the best thing for him for many reasons and I could go into detail if you would like. I chose not to seem like I was bashing my ex although there are tons of issues as to why it scares me to death and makes me physically ill one of the top being that he kidnapped him Mother's Day weekend this year. I am just trying to find out if this will kill my custody case because if it will help my ex get custody of my son then I certainly don't want to do it because I don't have the money to fight him now and I sure won't have the money to take him back to court.

No we don't even agree on discipline at all. His dad believes that he should not be punished. His father is very permissive. I, on the other hand, believe the crime should fit the punishment.
Yes he is a child but he is also 12 and at this age when I try to punish him I can only do so much and if nothing I do bothers him it makes it that much more difficult. He is as big as I am and I can't physically make him do anything. I never said he could go so no I have not gone back on my word. You took things out of context I was actually asking if I should do this. In the end the final decision would be given by a judge I was just thinking that it could help to let him have some kind of say so in it. I am only trying to be fair with him and not go totally insane.

Thank you for explaining the GoE thing. Although I would greatly appreciate a little more detail or anything else you might could offer. Trust me I feel like I have tried everything and nothing is working.

What you should have said instead of the bolded is that you believe it is okay to spank and dad does not. What crime does spanking fit? You can't physically make him do anything but you can hit him?
I can understand why your child is acting out.

 

[Ohiogal]

you can still offer supervised visits. there are locations in almost every county that offer this type of service for a fee. you can ask that dad be responsible for this fee. suerpervised visitation with a therapist. you can ask for dad to be responsible for this fee.

you have to wrap your head around dad getting SOME type of visitation. to kick dad out of his life is too premature at this point. he hasn't tried killing him, or you would have mentioned this already.

ask for supervised visitation with the venues i suggested, then ask that the visitation becomes unsupervised in a years time such as an all day visitation, then working his way up to overnights, weekends visitation and vacations.

i can't remember your past threads, when dad "kidnapped" the child, did you file for contempt?

Isabella read her other threads. Before answering her at all, read her other threads.

 

[passionatemom10]

You need help. Denying him any visitation is not going to be looked upon favorably by the court. Most likely he will get a standard visitation order. YOU spanked a 12 year old? Good grief. I stand by my assessment -- YOU need help and to learn how to properly parent. You think he would not be good for the child -- neither are you.

Once again, I am denying visitation at this point until he gets counseling which was required by DHR for ALL of us. I complied with the order. My son and I went to the counseling. They and DHR determined that I was not out of line.

I cannot help what happens once we get in front of a judge. If he gets standard visitation then I will comply with that. At this time I am doing what I feel is in the best interest of my child.

Yes I spanked my 12 year old. He was out of line and I had tried several different punishments before I resorted to spanking him. He continued to do the same thing over and over even though he knew it was wrong. I have defended myself and proven myself innocent of the charges brought against me so I see no need to try to defend myself when it is obvious that it really wouldn't matter what I said, some of you just have to play devils advocate and I understand that.

However, I get insulted enough from my ex at least two times daily I do not need insults from someone I am trying to seek advice from. I am seeking advice and would welcome the advice to the questions I have posted.

 

[Isis1]

Isabella read her other threads. Before answering her at all, read her other threads.

oh for pete's sake, that's the third time today.

 

[truebluemd]

You guys are missing the question I am trying to get an answer for. I understand you would like to know more about the situation and I will be happy to provide more information if need be due to the question at hand.

He has filed for CUSTODY of my child that I have basically taken care of by myself for the last 11 years. In his response, to my response and counterclaim...he has asked for temporary VISITATION because as of now I must agree to him seeing him. I do not want him to have any visitation right now because he kidnapped my child. I am scared he will not return him.

I don't allow supervised visits right now because there is no one to supervise the visits. He is from Chicago and does not have any family here. My family has seen all the horrible things he has done to me and wants nothing to do with him.

Once again my questions are...

1. Do I need to file another response to his response or will I be fine until I get a court date?
2. He has asked for a temporary visitation and I do not want that do I need to file anything else so that it does not happen?

Thank you for your help.

then he is right to ask for a standard visitation schedule. The order doesnt mean you can say no to every time he requests visitation. You could at least work with him so that he could graduate to a standard schedule.

 

[truebluemd]

Once again, I am denying visitation at this point until he gets counseling which was required by DHR for ALL of us. I complied with the order. My son and I went to the counseling. They and DHR determined that I was not out of line.

I cannot help what happens once we get in front of a judge. If he gets standard visitation then I will comply with that. At this time I am doing what I feel is in the best interest of my child.

Yes I spanked my 12 year old. He was out of line and I had tried several different punishments before I resorted to spanking him. He continued to do the same thing over and over even though he knew it was wrong. I have defended myself and proven myself innocent of the charges brought against me so I see no need to try to defend myself when it is obvious that it really wouldn't matter what I said, some of you just have to play devils advocate and I understand that.

However, I get insulted enough from my ex at least two times daily I do not need insults from someone I am trying to seek advice from. I am seeking advice and would welcome the advice to the questions I have posted.

maybe i am mising something. is he supposed to do counseling before he does any further visitation? Well teh bottom line is, he will get some visiation when you go back to court, so expect that.

 

[wileybunch]

Once again, I am denying visitation at this point until he gets counseling which was required by DHR for ALL of us. I complied with the order.

You complied with the DHR order to get counseling after being reported for spanking 12yo but you are not complying with the order to allow visitation. How is it that you have all rights and say so as to when Dad sees child? Then when you don't want him to see child, you can say "Nope, too bad" and then call it kidnapping? Wow. Just wow.

 

[passionatemom10]

you can still offer supervised visits. there are locations in almost every county that offer this type of service for a fee. you can ask that dad be responsible for this fee. suerpervised visitation with a therapist. you can ask for dad to be responsible for this fee.

you have to wrap your head around dad getting SOME type of visitation. to kick dad out of his life is too premature at this point. he hasn't tried killing him, or you would have mentioned this already.

ask for supervised visitation with the venues i suggested, then ask that the visitation becomes unsupervised in a years time such as an all day visitation, then working his way up to overnights, weekends visitation and vacations.

i can't remember your past threads, when dad "kidnapped" the child, did you file for contempt?

His dad will not even agree to family counseling so I know he is not going to pay for anything extra. He has not had overnight visits with my son since May when he called DHR and kidnapped my son. I have let him come to my home and see him for a couple of hours at a time but it always ends in a fight.

I am not trying to kick dad out of his life. I am just trying to get dad to follow the same rules I am required to follow. I have put up with much more than I could possibly write in these forums.

His dad was abusive while we were married. Thus, the reason we are divorced. He has not done anything abusive to me since that time because I have not allowed him to get that close to me without someone else in the picture. Once again, my family now hates him because of what all he has done to me over the last 11 years we have been divorced and now want nothing to do with him. He has made threats in the past to run me off the road and some other things. Like I said those issues happened in the past and as of now are not relevant to the questions I asked.

When he kidnapped my son I did not file contempt. It was a very emotional day. There was a statewide Amber alert out for my son. When I finally got him back he was so upset and traumatized that I chose not to have his dad arrested. My bad judgment because my life has become nothing but a nightmare since that time in May.

I do appreciate the questions being answered.

 

[TheGeekess]

you can still offer supervised visits. there are locations in almost every county that offer this type of service for a fee. you can ask that dad be responsible for this fee. suerpervised visitation with a therapist. you can ask for dad to be responsible for this fee.

Isabella, remember, this is Alabama: the "Thank God for Mississippi" state (because we're not last on every list, Mississippi is).

We don't have all the niceties that you guys on the Left Coast enjoy. Heck, we can't even get a mass transit system that can keep buses running on time, much less without catching on fire!

 

[wileybunch]

His dad will not even agree to family counseling so I know he is not going to pay for anything extra. He has not had overnight visits with my son since May when he called DHR and kidnapped my son. I have let him come to my home and see him for a couple of hours at a time but it always ends in a fight.

I am not trying to kick dad out of his life. I am just trying to get dad to follow the same rules I am required to follow. I have put up with much more than I could possibly write in these forums.

His dad was abusive while we were married. Thus, the reason we are divorced. He has not done anything abusive to me since that time because I have not allowed him to get that close to me without someone else in the picture. Once again, my family now hates him because of what all he has done to me over the last 11 years we have been divorced and now want nothing to do with him. He has made threats in the past to run me off the road and some other things. Like I said those issues happened in the past and as of now are not relevant to the questions I asked.

When he kidnapped my son I did not file contempt. It was a very emotional day. There was a statewide Amber alert out for my son. When I finally got him back he was so upset and traumatized that I chose not to have his dad arrested. My bad judgment because my life has become nothing but a nightmare since that time in May.

I do appreciate the questions being answered.

Stop calling what Dad did kidnapping. He felt within his rights to both see his child and protect him from abuse since he felt your spanking was abusive. Not saying he's right to withhold child from you, just saying that would be his defense. Your not letting him have child since mid-May is retaliation under the guise of protecting child. You can't do that. Your son is having issues living with you, you've considered sending him to live with his dad, and yet you're playing Solomon's child with him. Dad hasn't been found to be abusive, right? And, you say you haven't been either, but were ordered to counseling because of the report.

You could have handled the situation back in May much differently. You admit you spanked the 12yo, what Dad was protecting him from, though you 2 disagree on whether spanking a 12yo is appropriate or not, Dad says "no", you say "yes". DHR told you to get counseling. What right did you have to tie up law enforcement resources to say your child was kidnapped? IMO, you are every bit or more to blame for any trauma the child experienced as a result.

 

[wnbama]

Hopefully I will not get bashed for trying to help you out. (I've dealt with DHR in Alabama for a while now.)

Is DHR involved at this point?

Then there is a case plan and ISP, Correct? If not then the case is CLOSED.

Do you have a copy of the DHR's policies for ISP's and closing cases?

Was the response from the X's atty something along this line: My clinet denies all and please provide proof thereof? Then asked for TEMP. visitation? The burden of proof is on him (if I'm not mistaken) he will need to meet the "Mclendon Stardard" according to what I have heard here in Alabama. Can you meet it? If not STOP WORRYING yourself to death.

Alabama does not have ALOT of supervised visitation "centers" I know of only about 3 in the state. Most are around $40/hr-$75/hr. Not sure what county you are in, I know one is in Montgomery, one is in Hunstville, one is in Anniston.

Please see these links:

McClendon standard:
Ex Parte: McLendon

DHR's ISP Policy:
http://www.alabamaadministrativecode.state.al.us/docs/hres/Microsoft Word - 5HRES47.pdf

DHR's Policy:
http://www.alabamaadministrativecode.state.al.us/docs/hres/MWrdHRES34.pdf

 

[Ohiogal]

Once again, I am denying visitation at this point until he gets counseling which was required by DHR for ALL of us. I complied with the order. My son and I went to the counseling. They and DHR determined that I was not out of line.

I cannot help what happens once we get in front of a judge. If he gets standard visitation then I will comply with that. At this time I am doing what I feel is in the best interest of my child.

Yes I spanked my 12 year old. He was out of line and I had tried several different punishments before I resorted to spanking him. He continued to do the same thing over and over even though he knew it was wrong. I have defended myself and proven myself innocent of the charges brought against me so I see no need to try to defend myself when it is obvious that it really wouldn't matter what I said, some of you just have to play devils advocate and I understand that.

However, I get insulted enough from my ex at least two times daily I do not need insults from someone I am trying to seek advice from. I am seeking advice and would welcome the advice to the questions I have posted.

You were out of line. You are now out of line. Dad's attorney is GOING TO DESTROY YOU due to your actions and your attitude. Word for word what is DHR's order that the court signed off on? What court is enforcing DHR's order? When was dad served with the order?

 

[wnbama]

Isabella, remember, this is Alabama: the "Thank God for Mississippi" state (because we're not last on every list, Mississippi is).

We don't have all the niceties that you guys on the Left Coast enjoy. Heck, we can't even get a mass transit system that can keep buses running on time, much less without catching on fire!

This is so true...The bus thing is so funny!! Becuase it's so true!! Remember we are the idiots that thought giving free bus rides for the summer would be a great choice AFTER raising the rate a month BEFORE!

 

[Isis1]

Isabella, remember, this is Alabama: the "Thank God for Mississippi" state (because we're not last on every list, Mississippi is).

We don't have all the niceties that you guys on the Left Coast enjoy. Heck, we can't even get a mass transit system that can keep buses running on time, much less without catching on fire!

well, that part is true. gawd, i am reminded of how spoiled i am. i may never move from CA afterall.

but i did find some Alabama locations. if they are in OP's city or county, maybe it might be of some help.

Marshall County Visitation and Family Center Guntersville, AL
Leslie Powell Lacey Springs, AL
Laurie Mattson Shoemaker, MS, LPC Montgomery AL
The Exchange Club Family Center Mobile AL
Administrative Office of the Courts Montgomery, AL

just in case someone else could use the info. even using a local church might be an option. or there is still a therapist.

 

[wileybunch]

Isabella, remember, this is Alabama: the "Thank God for Mississippi" state (because we're not last on every list, Mississippi is).

We don't have all the niceties that you guys on the Left Coast enjoy. Heck, we can't even get a mass transit system that can keep buses running on time, much less without catching on fire!

You're lucky then b/c the rest of us get stuck paying for a mass transit system only a tiny fraction of the population uses.