At what age can a child decide they don't want to visit

[slnb73]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My sons father rarely gets him on his scheduled weekends. My son is old enough now that he is starting to put it all together. He had a talk with me last night and told me lots I did NOT know. He doesn't have anything of his own at his fathers house. The toys he gets are not really his, after he leaves they get given to the other children in the home. He has no clothes of his own there, not even underwear, they make him wear his 'step brothers' clothes. He doesn't even have a bed. If he doesn't share a bed with the 'step brother' he has to sleep on the floor. And evidently this year he has decided to no longer work and is bouncing between his parents homes and the other children get to sleep on beds or couches and they make him sleep on a box spring. I myself would love to be able to say NO he can't ever go again but there is court ordered visitation and without proof I can't have it ended.

After yesterday's realization that his father had once again not called or texted to say he wasn't getting him, my son realized they didn't take his for their Christmas visit either. And that they didn't even call to wish him a merry Christmas. His heart is breaking right now and he says he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't want to feel like this. I know I can't let him make a decision out of emotional anguish but I do not look for these patterns to change in the coming years and one day my son is going to have had enough of being made to feel he is not wanted. (I'd love to just keep him here so he doesn't have to feel that way)
So as the title says, at what age can they decide they don't want to go.
He is currently 8, almost 9.
Please no negative comments.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My sons father rarely gets him on his scheduled weekends. My son is old enough now that he is starting to put it all together. He had a talk with me last night and told me lots I did NOT know. He doesn't have anything of his own at his fathers house. The toys he gets are not really his, after he leaves they get given to the other children in the home. He has no clothes of his own there, not even underwear, they make him wear his 'step brothers' clothes. He doesn't even have a bed. If he doesn't share a bed with the 'step brother' he has to sleep on the floor. And evidently this year he has decided to no longer work and is bouncing between his parents homes and the other children get to sleep on beds or couches and they make him sleep on a box spring. I myself would love to be able to say NO he can't ever go again but there is court ordered visitation and without proof I can't have it ended.

After yesterday's realization that his father had once again not called or texted to say he wasn't getting him, my son realized they didn't take his for their Christmas visit either. And that they didn't even call to wish him a merry Christmas. His heart is breaking right now and he says he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't want to feel like this. I know I can't let him make a decision out of emotional anguish but I do not look for these patterns to change in the coming years and one day my son is going to have had enough of being made to feel he is not wanted. (I'd love to just keep him here so he doesn't have to feel that way)
So as the title says, at what age can they decide they don't want to go.
He is currently 8, almost 9.
Please no negative comments.

Children don't get to decide until they are age 18.

 

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My sons father rarely gets him on his scheduled weekends. My son is old enough now that he is starting to put it all together. He had a talk with me last night and told me lots I did NOT know. He doesn't have anything of his own at his fathers house. The toys he gets are not really his, after he leaves they get given to the other children in the home. He has no clothes of his own there, not even underwear, they make him wear his 'step brothers' clothes. He doesn't even have a bed. If he doesn't share a bed with the 'step brother' he has to sleep on the floor. And evidently this year he has decided to no longer work and is bouncing between his parents homes and the other children get to sleep on beds or couches and they make him sleep on a box spring. I myself would love to be able to say NO he can't ever go again but there is court ordered visitation and without proof I can't have it ended.

After yesterday's realization that his father had once again not called or texted to say he wasn't getting him, my son realized they didn't take his for their Christmas visit either. And that they didn't even call to wish him a merry Christmas. His heart is breaking right now and he says he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't want to feel like this. I know I can't let him make a decision out of emotional anguish but I do not look for these patterns to change in the coming years and one day my son is going to have had enough of being made to feel he is not wanted. (I'd love to just keep him here so he doesn't have to feel that way)
So as the title says, at what age can they decide they don't want to go.
He is currently 8, almost 9.
Please no negative comments.

Junior has no choice but to follow the court order as you do until he ages out. Counseling for Junior would be helpful.

 

[Eekamouse]

Hand me downs are common and nothing you've mentioned would in any way be considered abusive. I hope you are making it clear to your child that he doesn't get any say on whether he goes or not. You should be encouraging him in his relationship with his father.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My sons father rarely gets him on his scheduled weekends. My son is old enough now that he is starting to put it all together. He had a talk with me last night and told me lots I did NOT know. He doesn't have anything of his own at his fathers house. The toys he gets are not really his, after he leaves they get given to the other children in the home. He has no clothes of his own there, not even underwear, they make him wear his 'step brothers' clothes. He doesn't even have a bed. If he doesn't share a bed with the 'step brother' he has to sleep on the floor. And evidently this year he has decided to no longer work and is bouncing between his parents homes and the other children get to sleep on beds or couches and they make him sleep on a box spring. I myself would love to be able to say NO he can't ever go again but there is court ordered visitation and without proof I can't have it ended.

You'd love to be able to thwart Dad's visitation? Based on an 8 year old's whims?

Sure, as long as you'll let him go and live with Dad if he wants to.

After yesterday's realization that his father had once again not called or texted to say he wasn't getting him, my son realized they didn't take his for their Christmas visit either. And that they didn't even call to wish him a merry Christmas. His heart is breaking right now and he says he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't want to feel like this. I know I can't let him make a decision out of emotional anguish but I do not look for these patterns to change in the coming years and one day my son is going to have had enough of being made to feel he is not wanted. (I'd love to just keep him here so he doesn't have to feel that way)
So as the title says, at what age can they decide they don't want to go.
He is currently 8, almost 9.
Please no negative comments.

See here's your problem.

For whatever reason, you've actually enabled your son's feelings. Even if it's subconsciously, you've added to his stress. There shouldn't be any sort of catering to his whims without a REALLY good reason - and hand-me-downs, toy issues and not liking the sleeping arrangements don't even come close.

Out of sheer curiosity, why "step-brother" instead of step-brother? Is that not perhaps showing your disdain?

 

[stealth2]

8/9? He is too young to choose. sorry.

 

[Proserpina]

8/9? He is too young to choose. sorry.

Meh. I'm going to get yelled at, aren't I?

 

[Ladyback1]

Hand me downs are common

I don't have an issue with hand-me-downs in general. Most of my clothes are bought at 2nd Hand Stores. I do however, draw the line at 2nd hand underwear.

OP--why can't/don't you send clothes with the child? I don't care if the parenting plan says Dad has to supply clothes, send the kid with underwear at least!

As adults, (some of us older than others) it's hard to imagine sleeping on the floor. But, kids are resilient and can manage a night or two on the floor. Send him to Dad's with his own sleeping bag and pillow.

as to the toys? The kiddo has to learn how to share to make it in the world as an adult.

He's 8/9. He does not get to choose at this point. And you don't get to dictate what goes on during Dad's time (as long as the child is not being abused, is being fed, roof over his head, etc.)

 

[dannyt]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My sons father rarely gets him on his scheduled weekends. My son is old enough now that he is starting to put it all together. He had a talk with me last night and told me lots I did NOT know. He doesn't have anything of his own at his fathers house. The toys he gets are not really his, after he leaves they get given to the other children in the home. He has no clothes of his own there, not even underwear, they make him wear his 'step brothers' clothes. He doesn't even have a bed. If he doesn't share a bed with the 'step brother' he has to sleep on the floor. And evidently this year he has decided to no longer work and is bouncing between his parents homes and the other children get to sleep on beds or couches and they make him sleep on a box spring. I myself would love to be able to say NO he can't ever go again but there is court ordered visitation and without proof I can't have it ended.

After yesterday's realization that his father had once again not called or texted to say he wasn't getting him, my son realized they didn't take his for their Christmas visit either. And that they didn't even call to wish him a merry Christmas. His heart is breaking right now and he says he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't want to feel like this. I know I can't let him make a decision out of emotional anguish but I do not look for these patterns to change in the coming years and one day my son is going to have had enough of being made to feel he is not wanted. (I'd love to just keep him here so he doesn't have to feel that way)
So as the title says, at what age can they decide they don't want to go.
He is currently 8, almost 9.
Please no negative comments.

do you let him decide he isnt going to school? how do you know what goes on at his dad's you are not there. bottom line for the next 9 yrs he doesnt have a choice. unless of course you want to be hauled into court for contempt and done enough times lose custody

 

[stealth2]

Meh. I'm going to get yelled at, aren't I?

Not by me...

 

[justalayman]

Junior has no choice but to follow the court order as you do until he ages out. :

actually, (and this is just me being picky) but junior is not obligated to follow a court order that is not directed to him. It is an order involving the parents actions. Sonny, of course, is required to comply with his parent's directives and since the parent's are required to comply with the order, it appears the child is required to comply with the order but in fact, it is not an accurate statement.

 

[Proserpina]

Gosh, dannyt! it's been awhile.

We've missed you lots.

(But I'm sure our aim will improve with some practice)

 

[LdiJ]

Even though I agree with the responses to this thread, I also have to add that whether or not something is harmful to a child greatly depends on the child. If a child doesn't feel welcome, or feel an equal part of the family, it can really do a number on some children.

However, as someone else already pointed out. The solution to that is counseling to help the child deal with the issues.

 

[justalayman]

OP--why can't/don't you send clothes with the child? I don't care if the parenting plan says Dad has to supply clothes, send the kid with underwear at least!

I do not know what county in Ohio OP is in. This is an excerpt from the Jefferson County parenting guidelines:

17. a. Clothing: The parents shall cooperate in the exchange of the child(ren)’s clothing prior to and following parenting time with said child(ren).

b. The residential parent shall send with the child(ren) sufficient clothing and outerwear appropriate to the season to last the period of the parenting time with the non-residential parent. Said clothing shall also be clean and otherwise wearable. In the case of infants, the residential parent shall send with the child(ren) sufficient bottles, formula and diapers necessary to last during the period of parenting time, as well as provide whatever necessary information the non-residential parent requires to property care for said infant.

I believe many of the counties have the same guidelines.


so, what county are you in slnb73? If you claim dad has to supply clothes per the county parenting guidelines, apparently it isn't Jefferson county but given I know several others do include this statement (above), I am curious what county you are in that does not include the above statement.

 

[stealth2]

I don't quite get not sending the kid with tighty whiteys, but.... given our experience with "items of necessity"... perhaps I do...