Stepmom at school

[Silverplum]

I can't believe we've had to try so hard to inform a woman in her 40s: she seems much more like the young girlfriends in their 20s.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm sorry, but where in my response did I ever indicate such a thing?!

This board is practically overrun with stepparents who DO know their places and who DO know how to act in the correct manner when dealing with legalities. You chose to not avail yourself of that fantastic resource.

Bless your heart.

 

[SESmama]

I'm sorry, but where in my response did I ever indicate such a thing?!

This board is practically overrun with stepparents who DO know their places and who DO know how to act in the correct manner when dealing with legalities. You chose to not avail yourself of that fantastic resource.

Bless your heart.

Oh honey, I heard that with a true Georgian southern drawl...

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

Yowza, lots of passion here.

It's been a busy day on my end - work, plus making the lawyer appointment, plus discussion of whether or not we are going to file for restraining order against the ex-wife, who is in full attack mode today (nothing to do with me this time, believe it or not).

This fun stuff never ends.

Like I said, I WILL come back when I've talked to an OR lawyer, just to share what I learn. I don't have the time to engage with everyone here: I had a specific question, I'm not confident in the answer, end of story. That said, I would like to leave a little unsolicited advice for other stepparents in my position.

My spouse's ex has borderline personality, is alcoholic, and uses drugs. (I know, everyone feels like their partner's ex is nuts, but some of them really sincerely are.) If you're a stepparent in this position please check out the book "Splitting" by Eddy and Kreger. Very useful advice. The key component is to avoid all arguing: know your legal standing, make your decisions as a couple, and not engage in any bickering. Research "parallel parenting" as well. (That's why a site that offers "Free Legal Advice" seems like a great resource, right?)

I'm not lying when I say I've found ALL these responses helpful. It clarifies that my family and myself just have to accept the societal assumption by strangers – The step is always wrong. That's kinda hard. But, hey, remarrying is hard; having a special needs child in the house is hard; dealing incessantly with a high conflict personality is hard. Getting all three at once is really hard. The thought I keep in mind is: the kids will hopefully be out of the house in 10 years, but my partner and I have maybe 40, maybe 50 years together if we can get through this. Keeping my eyes on that long term prize puts it all in perspective. I'm a mother too, and it's sometimes emotionally really hard to know that her dad's girlfriend is involved in my daughter's life, but it's given me helpful perspective. Anyone reading so far, I wish you good luck with whatever your struggle is.

(Oh, and I also do get that forums like this get their own culture and long-term posters understand each other's shorthand. I'm new here, plain and simple, I'm not part of your culture ... there have been no deliberate misunderstandings.)

 

[Proserpina]

Yowza, lots of passion here.

It's been a busy day on my end - work, plus making the lawyer appointment, plus discussion of whether or not we are going to file for restraining order against the ex-wife, who is in full attack mode today (nothing to do with me this time, believe it or not).

This fun stuff never ends.

Like I said, I WILL come back when I've talked to an OR lawyer, just to share what I learn. I don't have the time to engage with everyone here: I had a specific question, I'm not confident in the answer, end of story. That said, I would like to leave a little unsolicited advice for other stepparents in my position.

My spouse's ex has borderline personality, is alcoholic, and uses drugs. (I know, everyone feels like their partner's ex is nuts, but some of them really sincerely are.) If you're a stepparent in this position please check out the book "Splitting" by Eddy and Kreger. Very useful advice. The key component is to avoid all arguing: know your legal standing, make your decisions as a couple, and not engage in any bickering. Research "parallel parenting" as well. (That's why a site that offers "Free Legal Advice" seems like a great resource, right?)

I'm not lying when I say I've found ALL these responses helpful. It clarifies that my family and myself just have to accept the societal assumption by strangers – The step is always wrong. That's kinda hard. But, hey, remarrying is hard; having a special needs child in the house is hard; dealing incessantly with a high conflict personality is hard. Getting all three at once is really hard. The thought I keep in mind is: the kids will hopefully be out of the house in 10 years, but my partner and I have maybe 40, maybe 50 years together if we can get through this. Keeping my eyes on that long term prize puts it all in perspective. I'm a mother too, and it's sometimes emotionally really hard to know that her dad's girlfriend is involved in my daughter's life, but it's given me helpful perspective. Anyone reading so far, I wish you good luck with whatever your struggle is.

(Oh, and I also do get that forums like this get their own culture and long-term posters understand each other's shorthand. I'm new here, plain and simple, I'm not part of your culture ... there have been no deliberate misunderstandings.)

Dude, I couldn't have been any clearer. At least I thought I couldn't have been any clearer. There was no shorthand, no longermember-itis (oh I'm sure I'll regret writing that ...). Nothing. But hey, whatever floats your particular boat. Mine floats on water. Pretty plain, simple stuff.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[Limbs_of_a_Pine]

Proserpina: when I read "Yes, she has the legal right to ask for ALL of those things. But asking isn't getting, and that's really what we're talking about here" I interpreted: she has legal standing to ask that I be barred, though there was no guarantee that her request would be granted

 

[Zigner]

Proserpina: when I read "Yes, she has the legal right to ask for ALL of those things. But asking isn't getting, and that's really what we're talking about here" I interpreted: she has legal standing to ask that I be barred, though there was no guarantee that her request would be granted

Yes, that's what you are being told.

 

[Silverplum]

Proserpina: when I read "Yes, she has the legal right to ask for ALL of those things. But asking isn't getting, and that's really what we're talking about here" I interpreted: she has legal standing to ask that I be barred, though there was no guarantee that her request would be granted

Yes, Mom has legal standing to request anything she finds best regarding her child. Why wouldn't she?

Again, I find you to be willfully obtuse.

 

[Ohiogal]

I swear there is an FA drinking game. If we imbibe every time seniors back one another up and are correct on legalities, we can be drunk within 20 minutes. Maybe quicker depending on how much one needs.

 

[Just Blue]

Dude, I couldn't have been any clearer. At least I thought I couldn't have been any clearer. There was no shorthand, no longermember-itis (oh I'm sure I'll regret writing that ...). Nothing. But hey, whatever floats your particular boat. Mine floats on water. Pretty plain, simple stuff.

Thanks for the advice.

Ummm...yeah.

 

[mommyanme]

Yowza, lots of passion here.


My spouse's ex has borderline personality, is alcoholic, and uses drugs. please check out the book "Splitting" by Eddy and Kreger. Very useful advice. The key component is to avoid all arguing: know your legal standing, make your decisions as a couple, and not engage in any bickering. Research "parallel parenting" as well. (That's why a site that offers "Free Legal Advice" seems like a great resource, right?)

And according to my ex I'm a sociopath/stalker and obsessed with him, while he demands a complete accounting of my finances and tells me he has a right to know every aspect of my life and that my older children are his business because our son lives with me.

And apparently Mom is fit enough to share 50/50 with so cut the crap.

While were on the "legalities" keep pushing it and the desire to "be right" and you may find yourself with a "No Third Party" interference added to a modified order, seems thing were fine till you "stepped" in.

 

[stealth2]

I swear there is an FA drinking game. If we imbibe every time seniors back one another up and are correct on legalities, we can be drunk within 20 minutes. Maybe quicker depending on how much one needs.

I'm there. Double shots for reading longermember-itis.

 

[LdiJ]

My spouse's ex has borderline personality,

You know this how?

is alcoholic,

You know this how?

and uses drugs.

You know this how?

(I know, everyone feels like their partner's ex is nuts, but some of them really sincerely are.)

Yes, a certain percentage of the population really is nuts. However, that percentage is no where near the percentage of people who believe/claim that their ex is nuts. No behavior that you have specifically mentioned about his ex indicates that she is in any way "nuts". Of course you trot this out after we tell you that you are part of the problem.

If you're a stepparent in this position please check out the book "Splitting" by Eddy and Kreger. Very useful advice. The key component is to avoid all arguing: know your legal standing, make your decisions as a couple, and not engage in any bickering. Research "parallel parenting" as well. (That's why a site that offers "Free Legal Advice" seems like a great resource, right?)

The bolded is horrendous advice. The very best stepparents refuse to participate in the decision making process regarding their stepchild because it is utter disrespectful to the actual parent of the child. In addition, parallel parenting is only wise in the most extreme conflict situations. It is truly horrible for the child and therefore is only a good idea if trying to co-parent is infinitely worse.

You need to understand something here. These two parents have a 50/50 timeshare. That means that at the time the order was made, both parents agreed that the other parent was a good parent. That is almost impossible to undo without hard cold evidence that the other parent is seriously endangering, neglecting, or abusing the child.

Please understand that most of us have been volunteering on forums like these from anywhere from 15-20 years. We have heard it all and seen it all. If I had a dollar for every stepparent I have seen who has wrecked a previously workable co-parenting relationship I would be a very wealthy woman. You are coming across as that kind of stepparent...not as bad as some, but still coming across that way.

I bet you would be surprised at what your ex's new girlfriend/spouse/significant other thinks about what she has heard about you.

 

[Proserpina]

I bet you would be surprised at what your ex's new girlfriend/spouse/significant other thinks about what she has heard about you.

She might be. I wouldn't.



I really wish we could have a popcorn emoji here. Le sigh.

 

[CJane]

My husband is an OR attorney. He would give you the exact same advice - just because your husband CAN do these things doesn't mean that YOU SHOULD engage. It is, of course, up to you. But asserting your "rights" as another adult in the child's life while KNOWING IN ADVANCE that it's gonna be an issue is just asking for a spanking.

Also. Remember that the "Crazy Ex" was once his dream girl, just like you are now. It's probably not all her.