Are there any people on the fathers side

[haiku]

The point is this is a LEGAL board not a support board. like it or not step parents have no legal rights. So if you ask a question what your rights as a step parent are you are going to be told you have none! sometimes more "colorfully" than you expect, but the 'net is like that.

I spend some free time here precisely because I am a step parent, and I have researched alot for my husband, and I was also a CP so I like to share some things I have learned with others. Legally I know where "I" stand, always did. (it is just easier for me to navigate the web and research then my DH) but I feel it is important to remind stepparents that at least in thier own home they do have rights! (so many here put up with stuff in thier own home, because the NCP is "afraid" of angering the CP)

there are times this board turns into a support board, but ultimately, if you want support for your position, you need to go to a "support" board. there are lots out there where yo ucan talk to folks in the same boat you are in, and learn to cope.

 

[Sara_1970]

So why are steps not allowed to ask LEGAL based questions?

No different from Mother's, Father's, or Grandparents who come here to ask for legal advice for their child.

 

[haiku]

who said you couldn't?

 

[JaneyS4]

Hey! I'm all for fathers!

I originally came to this board looking for help for my brother. Also asked for advise for a male friend of mine.

I think most of the posters here are for the kids. Its just how you go about things. Some people come on and make complaints about money, not even mentioning the kids, and make it seem more like they are out for themselves, and don't care about the kids. No one who has a child should complain about paying child support. When you bring a life into this world, you are both legally and morally responible for helping to raise that child physically and financially. It doesn't matter if the other parent makes enough to do it alone, its half your responsiblity, period. It doesn't matter if the ex is a *()&&^&, what matters is if your child is being taken care of.

Now, if the CP is refusing visitation, is deliberately trying to alienate your child from you, then you definately ought to do something about it. IF the child is not taken care of properly, the NCP should try everything possible to get that rectified. The problem is that most NCPs and steps (I said most, not all) don't want to spend the money it takes to make the CPs tow the line on things like that. They want to moan and complain, and want someone to give them a magic word to make it right. Unfortunately, it costs money to take someone back to court for contempt. I agree that money is definately hard to come by, but it comes down to how much is your child worth.

It is really a shame that kids get used as pawns and weapons of revenge in divorce cases so much. Ideally, a child from a divorced home should have two parents who love them enough to look past their personal differences for the sake of the kids and possibly two step parents that can help to love, care and support them , but it just doesn't happen too much anymore. People just don't seem to love their kids enough these days.

 

[ktarra617]

we can ask all the legal questions we want, but when we ask what "rights" we as stepparents have we will be told that we don't have any, some will tell us politely and some will tell us rather colorfully.

What some stepparents don't realize is that the courts don't care about what we think or feel or say until we become a detriment to the children. Then we can become an "issue" in court.

the problem is that there are so many step parents that make the situation more difficult than it has to be. Usually over the money.

But yes we can ask all the LEGAL questions we want, just try to keep to the pertinent legal facts not the he said she said soap opera that tends to go along with some of these situations.

just my 2 cents.

 

[LisaB]

Just want to say this....

This is just my 2 cents..... We all have to agree alot of men, and yes women also, dont pay there child support, and yes men do tend to get bashed more. What about all those women who do not receive their child support, who end up on welfare? Women are also bashed for being on welfare. I feel that if more men would pay their child support, so many women and children would not be on welfare. I must say it is the children who suffer!!

 

[efcoco]

I will say...

diff strokes for diff folks.

I dont like to hear that anybody is being bashed for being on welfare....especially a parent..regardless of whether it is a man or woman.
I will disagree with anybody that is on welfare that is able to work..but would rather stay at home with the kids and draw welfare....I personally would like to work part time...but I cant..so be it.
I say...that there are alot of people on welfare..."because" their childs other parent does not pay cs..but there are alot of people out there that dont get child support and do work....and go on.

I know ..here nor there...
My ex has made the comment several times...until he felt that surely I was not buying the line....He says...that I should be lucky he pays child support..because there are alot of deadbeats that dont. WELLLLLLLL...........My comment to him was....THAT HE should be lucky he does pay "child support" because if he did not..his lucky ass would be in jail.......AND..I know this sounds harsh...but as I have told him...I dont care If I won the lotto...He would still pay "child support"! because (I didnt tell him this) he thinks it is a bill.
Anyway...

 

[Esimon1]

(I'm applauding everyone who wrote to this thread)
Each person has a valid point, all but who wrote that these posts should only serve legal questions. The facts are: More often than not, attorneys who either deal with NCPs, or CPs, are "thrown" into the emotional sides of their cases, and alot of the posters that come here often need to disclose certain (details) as to what kind of a person they have to deal with in their case/situation.
This helps to form the "big picture" and usually helps in getting the best possible advice. Example: A man, (NCP of son), states that he needs to lower his child support. Immediate Respose: "You should be ashamed of yourself", You're a Deadbeat, etc.' Details: He lives in his car, still works to pay CS, wants visitation, but can't afford to file because his CS obligation is set so outrageously high. What he needs is advice on how to go about it with little to no income for himself. (That was just a general example). Bottom Line: No matter how you look at it, It's ALWAYS the child(ren) that pay the price.

 

[Cookie97128]

I agree that fathers' should be able to visit with the kids.

Just keep the step-mothers out of it!!!!!! Lovingwife is the bitchiest person I've seen on this board. I tried to bury the hatchet and yet, she just won't stop.

I am the cp. I have two wonderful kids with DH. He can be a butt at times, I can be a bitch at times. That's life. BUT when he hooked up with her, all hell broke loose.
I know that he tries to do right by the kids, she just makes it so damn impossible. When DH and I discuss the kids', for whatever reason, it all comes back to byte me in the a** when SM finds out about it. Especially if we happen to agree on something. (DH AND I).
I have always tried to keep in touch with DH, even when he didn't want to be kept in touch with. I made sure he knew where we were, the phone number and address. Usually had to leave a message with his parents as he couldn't be reached. We've gotten past that. He now has visitation and sm just keeps going on and on. NOW, I will tell me side!!! She thinks she knows my whole life story. Of course, she only knows what DH tells her and we all know DH's side isn't the whole truth. I am willing to fess to my mistakes. Of course, DH is an angel.

I think this will make it all so much easier... At least until DH gets me kicked off of Yahoo again!!!!!!
All because I said that SM is a bitch and she best watch out... WHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! BBBBOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Esimon1]

We ALL have our opinions/experiences with SMs, EXs, CPs, etc.

But you and Lovingwife give us the PRIME example of what we're talking about. Believe me, I live this too, but IM the one that wants everyone to get along. You don't have to become best friends, but DAMN- DO IT FOR THE KIDS!!!! Love your kids enough to REFUSE to fight or let the other "enemy" get your panties in a knot! If you two go at it like this on these threads, I would HATE to be the child, or children actually seeing/hearing all this crap!!!!
Somebody STAND UP AND BE THE BETTER PERSON.

 

[Cookie97128]

If you were here last week,

You'd had seen that I asked a legit question, then LW starts in on me. Saying that I'm lying and DH and I didn't get along.
Well, for the 45 minutes that we talked, we got along pretty well. THEN she got involved... We bashed. She restated that she had to deal with her sick mother and she wouldn't be around the kids much. I posted that I would remove my posts that may have upset her in anyway. AND I did. Only to get bashed some more. THEN to read even more *crap* from her, after being offline for a few days, enjoying my freedom (for a whole month.) (Missing my kids like crazy!!!)
I won't idlely (sp?) stand by and watch her degrade me. My kids are with DH right now and can imagine what she's asking them and telling them right now. She's posted in the past how she wants to *confront* a 13 year old.

 

[Esimon1]

Well, as an "outsider" looking in, It does seem to me that she is just plain threatened by you. I can see that she seems insecure, just by reading the post(s). For some reason, some steps act this way, when what they should be doing is encouraging a good relationship with their child's other parent, AND step-parent. After all, you would want your child(ren) to love your spouse too, right?
Take my sister's ex, (father of my nephew), for example, he is the dirtiest, rottenest son-of-a-b i t ch to ever walk the earth, but my sister, along with our family, will never speak a bad word about him to his son. I can honestly say that I hate the a_ _ hole, but my nephew will never know it. It's just wrong, beings that IS his dad, and as much as I hate to admit it, he is a good dad. His wife is the fuel behind his fire, and we all can't stand her either, but, as long as she treats my nephew right, which she does, that's all that matters. In the long run, they all grow up, and make their own decisions on who they love, and respect.

 

[qtpie]

I agree with Cookie on her point that the father's should visit their children, but leave the SM's out of it! YES! Please!

I'm only speaking from MY experience here, OK?

When I met my DH, NEVER and I mean NEVER, did I want any rights to his daughter and never did I want involved with his ex. As a matter of fact, I refused to talk to her whenever she would call our apt. 4 times a day. However, SHE expected ME to babysit whenever she wanted to go out and party and my DH had to work. She never stuck to the visitation schedule. She dumped the kid off on us whether it was DH's time to have them or not-- Whenever she wanted to get rid of the kid. And because of my DH's hectic work schedule, I got stuck watching SD most of the time. I didn't like that. Why? She's not MY kid. I'm a SM. I have no legal rights OR obligations, remember?

But BM's, if you don't want the SM involved, don't expect us to be a free babysitter or a taxi cab. Don't expect us to do their laundry, or take them shopping, or out to dinner. Don't expect anything, really. You can't have it both ways. And SOME BM's do. Some BM's think that SM's should cater to their children just because we married the father. Then, the BM's bitch when they feel the SM crossed the line. (I said, SOME BM's. If you're not one of those BM's, don't take offense.)

If it's DH's turn for visitation, and his work schedule does not permit him to exercise it in the standard way, then BM's need to work with him so the SM doesn't have to care for the kids while he's at work. And he's got to work to pay CS, right? If some BM's would cooperate when asked to deviate a little, it would make things easier on the father and keep the SM out of the loop at the same time. Isn't that what's best?

If the father has custody, then yes, the SM is going to be more involved. But, if the father does not have custody, the SM's should keep to themselves as much as possible.

Again, this is JMHO and I'm speaking from my experience.

 

[MindyT]

Reply to all the posts

You have all made some excellent points. YES, instead of bashing fathers who NEED to lower their support obligation, ASK them why. ANd I don't agree that no matter how little a father (or if the father is the cp, then the mother)makes, that the child support should be EXACTLY half and half. When involved in a divorce, the parent who attains custody should automatically expect that hey, it WON'T be even always. When they fight to keep custody of the kids, then they are automatically assuming most of the responsibility, and that isn't just a bash--it's a simple fact. A father or mother living on an $8/hour job, and perhaps supporting a new family, should not have to pay an ex that makes $20/hour a third of their income. I know that courts don't see it this way, but they should. A cp should provide the maximum amount of support thay can HANDLE and still have money for their own lives. And there ARE some BM's who are very easy to get along with, and some are b*****s, just like some of us SM's are. But I agree with every word qtpie said--we AREN'T the kids' mothers so don't pile them on us to act as such. My husband's ex USED to do this until she found out i wasn't enjoying it. Thanks for all of your insights--at least no one's bickering, yet!

 

[karma1]

My, my-ASSuming too much again...

just because I post things on here does not mean any of this goes to the kids.....both DH and I are not like that.
I believe I have been threatend again but that is the typical MO-Hmmmmmm, care to mention why Yahoo deleted that account? Threats, and using my husbands personal info to open another account???
What's the most important thing here? Kids and dad (and paternal family) having a wonderful visit and that is all that counts-the past is over with including any misrepresentations of the past.
Off to the beach