Attorney or no?

[CJane]

Spend that $100 on those supervised visits, get to know your child and then appear without an atty, show the court you are in compliance and request a graduated parenting plan. Ask the the judge to outline the plan 's duration, then stick to it like glue. Follow said plan and step up to unsupervised and then longer periods of time. It will most likely take you at least 6 months before you will get unsupervised overnights.

Voila!
You get what you want and don;t have to pay an attorney.

You do have to commit to building a relationship with this child, though. Which in my opinion, ins much harder worker, but worth way more in the long run.

Exactly. OP "can't afford" the visits, but CAN afford to pay an attorney $1000?

If OP is having a hard time paying for visits because he's paying child support, he can well-imagine how difficult of a time Mom was having trying to house/clothe/feed the child while he WASN'T paying child support.

 

[dolfan82]

CJane, an assumption is really a bad way to go in giving advice, let's try to get some facts straight, please.

The visitation center has has no payment plans for their fees; either pay a week before the visitations or I they will be cancelled. On the other hand, the attorney told me that he could work me on paying him, and that if he can't do anything for me in court that I would only pay he a portion of his fees.

Not my make excuses, I am well aware of my irresponsibilities these past 3 years. But I am lucky and glad she actually did not have to struggle with taking care of our son. She has a good job, lived at home with parents and didn't have her pay rent. The mom tool her of our son while she worked. So again, no excuses but it wasn't as bad as one assumes.

Good thing is that even though I was absent all this time, it relieves me that from now on I will be paying her back for all this lost time.

 

[CJane]

CJane, an assumption is really a bad way to go in giving advice, let's try to get some facts straight, please.

The visitation center has has no payment plans for their fees; either pay a week before the visitations or I they will be cancelled.

Really? Because on their website, they have a handy "pay online" feature that seems to allow you to pay any amount at all towards an account.

On the other hand, the attorney told me that he could work me on paying him, and that if he can't do anything for me in court that I would only pay he a portion of his fees.

Of course. Why don't you ask him what his plan is if you don't pay him before your court date. Attorneys don't take family law cases on contingency. I've NEVER heard of one that said "Pay me some money now, we'll see what happens in court, and if we lose, you won't have to pay me all of my fees". Doesn't work that way. Ever.

And aren't you a little curious about the ethics of an attorney who is willing to take money from you so that you can fight the idea of paying a visitation center to see your child AFTER a judge has determined that supervised visits are in the child's best interests?

Did you ask the attorney what the definition of "anything" is? As in "What do you mean, if you can't do "anything" for me in court?"

Not my make excuses, I am well aware of my irresponsibilities these past 3 years. But I am lucky and glad she actually did not have to struggle with taking care of our son. She has a good job, lived at home with parents and didn't have her pay rent. The mom tool her of our son while she worked. So again, no excuses but it wasn't as bad as one assumes.

It wasn't as bad as one assumes because OTHER PEOPLE were providing for YOUR CHILD so you could go do whatever it is you were doing for the past few years.

Good thing is that even though I was absent all this time, it relieves me that from now on I will be paying her back for all this lost time.

The sad thing is, you can't EVER pay the CHILD back for deciding not to be involved in his life up to this point. You can maybe build a relationship going forward, if you can rearrange your priorities enough to make that work. But you can't ever get those years back.

Did you know that the bulk of a child's personality - their whole 'self' that will shape them throughout life - is developed by age 3? Your child's 'self' was built around the idea that he didn't HAVE a daddy. How do you intend to 'pay that back' or prove that it's NOT in the child's best interests to have some supervision and guided relationship establishment?

 

[stealth2]

CJane, an assumption is really a bad way to go in giving advice, let's try to get some facts straight, please.

The visitation center has has no payment plans for their fees; either pay a week before the visitations or I they will be cancelled. On the other hand, the attorney told me that he could work me on paying him, and that if he can't do anything for me in court that I would only pay he a portion of his fees.

Uuuhhh... 10 weeks of visitation time = 10 installments to an attorney. So it's not much different than the payment plan your attorney is willing to work.

Reality is that you will not go from supervised visitation (which has yet to be started) to unsupervised in a month. Not gonna happen. Not at once a week. I don't think a lawyer will be able to help you change that at this point in time. Your son is young and doesn't know you. HE needs time to get comfortable with you, and the court has decided that this is the best way to have that happen. So, you need to work the program if you want to get to the next step.

And honestly? I'm not sure *I* would want to be the supervisor of visitation between my ex and our child. Nor would I be comfortable foisting that responsibility on family.

 

[dolfan82]

Yes you're correct, the website does have a "pay now" but it's more of a convenience feature for people to make required payments, not payment arrangements. You are more than glad to call them up and ask for yourself, ma'am.

When speaking of the attorney I consulted, I think you took the words too literal. He informed me of the action plan for now, June's court date, and the future that he felt would help me the most. He never advised for me to get out of paying the visitation fees, that is my personal preference. He also never offered for me to pay him $100 today and some more later type of deals. He told me that he could set me up on a 2 and a half month payment plan. The deal where he told me that he would take a cut if he didn't represent me well in court was just a comment/joke he said to reassure me that he will get things done in the next hearing for me.

No excuses, but very bad depression and drug use its what made me be absent all this time. I am now more content with my life and drug free, because I decided to make a change and live my life to the fullest.

You are right, money can take care of so much things, but not love. All I can do moving forward is give him all my love one day at a time

Though I respect your opinion on Nature vs Nurture, I don't totally agree with it. After reading Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence I believe when he said that everyone is not hardwired from when we are born. Our minds are capable or modying how we feel, and think if we want.

 

[CSO286]

So start making the payments toward the appointments for the supervised time.

Honestly, it really sounds as though you are making excuses for not creating this relationship with your child. And you are trying to blame the ex or the system for these problems.

At some point you need to cowboy up and take ownership of what has happened and what is happening. Even though you may be "Straightening your life out" now, you still have consequences for bad choices you've made in the past.

If I were a thief who robbed a store ten years ago, but have since turned my life around, should I--once caught--not have to be brought to justice for the crinmes committed a decade ago?

You have not been involved in you child's life to the point that it is NOT in your child's best interest to suddenly have unsupervised visits with a person who is esstentially a stranger to him/her (I know--you're the Father--but the child doesn't know you from Adam.). You have to grow the relationship and build trust and prove that you are capable of caring adequately for the child before you will be permitted unfettered access....

This is the world we live in. If you wanted unsupervised parenting time, you should have either A--been married to mom, or B--been an active and involved parent all along.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

Just my two cents:

If, after 5 (FIVE) years, my ex decides that he wants to have something to do with my child and I'd been caring for this child without help (which, in my case is true), being the only one to have to give anything up for the previous 5 years, no matter what my ex's attitude towards me, I don't think I could supervise visitation in a healthy environment. I honestly don't think that a member of my family could either. They've each said as much.


Since you're out of luck there, start putting money away for visitation. Its not incredibly difficult to cut out ONE thing that you really don't NEED, IF you're committed to being a part of your childs life. Really.

Paying an attorney to change the supervised to unsupervised within even 3 months is asking quite a lot and I can't see a judge, who so recently ordered the supervised for an "introductory" period to reconsider that drastically.

Put your big boy pants on and go see your child.

 

[dolfan82]

CSO286, for everyone's information, I was the one that requested an expedited hearing to start getting parenting time through court, so I don't see the reason why I would do that to prevent starting a relationship with my son. Right?

I feel and think that I am more than capable of raising him with no problems. Growing up I took the responsibilty of being the father figure for my younger brother since ours passed away when I was 10. He seems to be doing pretty good now, I don't know how much of my influence that had to do with it.

Though I do agree with you that one month to start a relationship with my son is not enough, I am upset that the judge ordered to have a supervised site for parenting time, just because the mother stated that she didn't want to do it. In my opinion, she would be the best option, especially now, to supervise these visits to get a good idea of my parenting skills. Eventually for the best interest of our child she is going to have to work with me on raising our son, don't you agree? At least she should share the costs for these fees, since she requested it.

At the end it is what it is, I will find a way to make it happen to matter what. So back to my original question, at this point, would it be really necessary for me to hire this attorney?

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

CSO286, for everyone's information, I was the one that requested an expedited hearing to start getting parenting time through court, so I don't see the reason why I would do that to prevent starting a relationship with my son. Right?

I feel and think that I am more than capable of raising him with no problems. Growing up I took the responsibilty of being the father figure for my younger brother since ours passed away when I was 10. He seems to be doing pretty good now, I don't know how much of my influence that had to do with it.

Though I do agree with you that one month to start a relationship with my son is not enough, I am upset that the judge ordered to have a supervised site for parenting time, just because the mother stated that she didn't want to do it. In my opinion, she would be the best option, especially now, to supervise these visits to get a good idea of my parenting skills. Eventually for the best interest of our child she is going to have to work with me on raising our son, don't you agree? At least she should share the costs for these fees, since she requested it.

At the end it is what it is, I will find a way to make it happen to matter what. So back to my original question, at this point, would it be really necessary for me to hire this attorney?

IMHO, no. Unless I'm reading this wrong, the judge asked if she would be the supervisor, she said no. Not that she requested that the supervison be at a center. I'm sorry, but I can't fault her for that.

 

[CSO286]

CSO286, for everyone's information, I was the one that requested an expedited hearing to start getting parenting time through court, so I don't see the reason why I would do that to prevent starting a relationship with my son. Right?

I feel and think that I am more than capable of raising him with no problems. Growing up I took the responsibilty of being the father figure for my younger brother since ours passed away when I was 10. He seems to be doing pretty good now, I don't know how much of my influence that had to do with it.

Though I do agree with you that one month to start a relationship with my son is not enough, I am upset that the judge ordered to have a supervised site for parenting time, just because the mother stated that she didn't want to do it. In my opinion, she would be the best option, especially now, to supervise these visits to get a good idea of my parenting skills. Eventually for the best interest of our child she is going to have to work with me on raising our son, don't you agree? At least she should share the costs for these fees, since she requested it.

At the end it is what it is, I will find a way to make it happen to matter what. So back to my original question, at this point, would it be really necessary for me to hire this attorney?

Mom probably feels that her animosity toward you would unduly influence your [mutual] child, thereby making your visits with him counterproductive.

Ex: Mom and you and junior are all at the park. Junionr picks up on mom's cues that she is stressed and somethings's not normal, Junior interprets this as you not being a safe person (since you are the new variable, therefore it must be you who is the danger) and then child clings to mom and refuses to engage with you.

A parenting center, when supervised by a person whose goal is to encourage the child's relationship with the absent parent is a much better alternative in this situation. Child will be led in to meet to superivsor with Mom, Mom puts child at ease, Mom leaves. Child is comfortable with supervisor, supervisor introduces Dad and supervisor engages positively with Dad. Child sees that Dad is a safe person and is able to interact positively with Dad.

See how that works?

You have been absent so long that Mom's got strong negative emotions toward you, and you need to also give her time to adjust to you becoming involved in the child's life.

You have as much to prove to Mom as you do to the child, if not more. Mom knows your history and worries about things like you walking into this child's life to hang out and play Daddy for a while nad then walking right back out if things don't go your way or get tough. (Not saying you will--but this is where Mom could be coming from.)

Do the superivsed parenting time, prove to the court and Junior and Mom that you've got staying power and you might find all of them approaching you and the situation with a far more positive attitude.



To answer your question: Hire the attorney or not. I still don't see you winning this race.

 

[CJane]

I feel and think that I am more than capable of raising him with no problems. Growing up I took the responsibilty of being the father figure for my younger brother since ours passed away when I was 10. He seems to be doing pretty good now, I don't know how much of my influence that had to do with it.

And that has nothing to do with raising your SON whom you ABANDONED in favor of DRUGS for the past several years.

I am upset that the judge ordered to have a supervised site for parenting time, just because the mother stated that she didn't want to do it. In my opinion, she would be the best option, especially now, to supervise these visits to get a good idea of my parenting skills.

The judge ordered THERAPEUTIC visitation. Mom can't offer that. And believe me, if Mom was ordered to supervise until she thought your parenting skills were adequate, it'd be EVEN LONGER before you saw your kid unsupervised.

Eventually for the best interest of our child she is going to have to work with me on raising our son, don't you agree?

No. Because Mom is probably assuming (not without merit) that you won't bother to stick around long enough to coparent. She's assuming that you'll balk at the amount of money it'll cost to visit the child and you'll balk at the inconvenience, and you'll disappear again.

At least she should share the costs for these fees, since she requested it.

YOU requested visitation. Mom just requested that the visits be supervised by a NEUTRAL party.

At the end it is what it is, I will find a way to make it happen to matter what. So back to my original question, at this point, would it be really necessary for me to hire this attorney?

I don't think there's anything at all that an attorney could do for you at this point. And I think the $1000 he's asking for could be better spent on your CHILD.

 

[dolfan82]

Gracias to all, you have very valid points, I do appreciate it.

So what if the mother had agreed to supervise us? The judge would have ordered that. After reading CSO286 example, I. Am worried on the judges abilities at this point.

CJane, I take full responsiblity on trying the drug for the first time. After that it was over for me, it drastically changed me, made me not care about anything else. So yes I was gone, but it was out of my control. A year ago I decided to start a relationship with my God, and have been clean ever since. Little by little I started to regain my feelings and thougths that truly made me before using the drug. I got help, and now I am on a mission to do everything right without a struggle.

 

[CSO286]

Gracias to all, you have very valid points, I do appreciate it.

So what if the mother had agreed to supervise us? The judge would have ordered that. After reading CSO286 example, I. Am worried on the judges abilities at this point.

CJane, I take full responsiblity on trying the drug for the first time. After that it was over for me, it drastically changed me, made me not care about anything else. So yes I was gone, but it was out of my control. A year ago I decided to start a relationship with my God, and have been clean ever since. Little by little I started to regain my feelings and thougths that truly made me before using the drug. I got help, and now I am on a mission to do everything right without a struggle.

How does my example make you doubt the Judge's abilities? It seems to me that the Judge was making the decision that most benefitted the child.

 

[CJane]

CJane, I take full responsiblity

I'm sorry. I don't see that you've taken responsibility for ANYTHING.

You'll take responsibility for taking the drug the first time, but after that... well, it's the drug's fault.

Every post contains the following "Not to make excuses, but - excuse follows -..."

MAN.
UP.

God can't do THAT for you.

 

[Proserpina]

How does my example make you doubt the Judge's abilities? It seems to me that the Judge was making the decision that most benefitted the child.

No idea, because that's not what I took from your post either!

It sounds like the Judge is actually pretty decently able to see what's best for the child...